18 year olds, sigh

[firefly_ris]

And I realize as I post this, I'm opening myself to lots of criticism because as we all know, 99% of the DisKids are total overachievers with a 5.5 GPA, go to church every Sunday, happily do all their chores, and volunteer 50 hours a week lol.

Only 50???

 

[mefordis]

Only 50???

My daughter did about 5. Total slacker.

 

[luvsvacation]

This is why I feel like it is so important for them to move out at 18. If they continue living with you those lines between child and adult blur. I understand you said she’s still in high school so understandably still lives with you. My DD is also 18 and is in her freshman year of college. Moving out on her own has been great. We are still paying for a good chunk of her college but she works and covers all of her other expenses and money. By her living in her own we don’t ever feel like we need to step in and tell her what she can and can’t do. She’s an adult and we treat her as such. If she was living at home that would be FAR harder to do as we would naturally still see her as our child. She and I talk quite a bit and she asks for my advice in things. We have transitioned to the friend/advisor relationship and it works really well.

Now my son is 17 1/2 and being so close in age they have always been treated pretty much the same. They were always allowed to do new things at the same time. This has been a little rough as he sees himself as an adult and wants to move to that friendship role with me also. I’m like hey we’ve got another 6 months that we’re responsible for you!! He is a workaholic and has well more than enough money that he could get his own apartment, he’s thinking of doing that next year for his senior year of high school, and I actually think it would be a pretty good idea.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Maybe this is how it makes shipping them off to college a little easier?

Absolutely!

And I realize as I post this, I'm opening myself to lots of criticism because as we all know, 99% of the DisKids are total overachievers with a 5.5 GPA, go to church every Sunday, happily do all their chores, and volunteer 50 hours a week lol.

Not mine! (But we love him!)

I think kids go through a period like that at some point or another between 15 and 25. Some much earlier, some much later.

That's a really good point! Mine was so easy for so long, and then hit the rough patch around 18 (20 now and still in it). I almost wish it had come earlier (before he was an "adult").

 

[AndreaDM]

Yes, I think it will be better for all of us when she moves into her dorm. She is going to college only an hour away but I definitely want her to live on campus to be able to transition to living on her own.

I also have a 29 year who went through an "I hate everyone" stage from about 14-20. We are now very, very close and she calls me for advice almost daily. So, I know it will pass, but I think I'm kind of taken aback because she has always been such an easy going, never get in trouble kind of kid. The older one was in the principal's office all the time!

 

[NYCgrrl]

Anyone else have a kid who thought the moment they turned 18 they could do whatever they wanted to and not have any rules because they're now an "adult"? Just venting, but my very sweet girl who was my little BFF for years is now acting an angry, entitled, negative brat. Not all the time of course, but whenever I say no to anything she says, "I don't know why you have to be like that, I'm 18 now, blah blah blah". Ugh, if you want to be an adult, pay your own darn bills! FYI, she's a high school senior and I know it's been a rough year and I'm trying to be understanding of all the things she's missed out on, etc., but there is still no reason to be rude and disrespectful to me. Maybe this is how it makes shipping them off to college a little easier?

I’m lucky. The almost 16 y/o girl child spends a lot of time muttering to herself of late. Not worrying about it as I’ve still a use when her earrings hurt and must be removed. Also when she needs someone to proof her geometry problems. That‘s the end of it for me and yeah I worry.....

 

[mom2rtk]

We went through that with each of our kids. I just reminded them that 18 was the age at which we were no longer required to provide them a home and financial support without getting in trouble from the authorities.

 

[mumto3girls]

DD20 did a bit of that. Turned off her location so I couldn’t see where she was when she went off to college, not telling me where she was going and when she was coming back, not wanting to discuss medical appointments (until she needed $ or insurance info) and more stuff like that. I tried to ride it out without being too heavy handed when I really wanted to say “my car, my insurance, my rules” and “fine, figure out the insurance yourself and make your own appointments”, but after she was away at school for a while she settled down. She went on a spring break service trip her freshman year to Mexico and Guatemala and I asked her to turn on her location so that I could just see where in this big world she was at any given moment and she did. And she never turned it back off even though she’s aware that she hasn’t. And she was really good about respecting our house rules about COVID when she was sent home from school last year—asking permission to do things/see people. Sometimes I think they just need a little distance and space to figure things out.

Now it’s DD17. Still has 7 months before she’s 18, but she’s already asserting her independence and not always in ways I find acceptable. This too shall pass.

 

[cabanafrau]

Yep, they do sometimes leave you alternating between feeling like you want to hold the door open for them, urging them to fly, be free or let them head off to sleep at night under a blanket of bills an adult needs to be responsible for to cover the expenses of daily living. I do believe it is nature's way of preparing the parent's mindset to accept that the time has come to stand down from 24/7 parental duties.

Honestly, once I tried it, I found out I really, really enjoyed re expanding my horizons of my own interests into a lot of the hours I had been putting into parental supportive activities for a lot of years. Nature knew best.

 

[AndreaDM]

DD20 did a bit of that. Turned off her location so I couldn’t see where she was when she went off to college, not telling me where she was going and when she was coming back, not wanting to discuss medical appointments (until she needed $ or insurance info) and more stuff like that. I tried to ride it out without being too heavy handed when I really wanted to say “my car, my insurance, my rules” and “fine, figure out the insurance yourself and make your own appointments”, but after she was away at school for a while she settled down. She went on a spring break service trip her freshman year to Mexico and Guatemala and I asked her to turn on her location so that I could just see where in this big world she was at any given moment and she did. And she never turned it back off even though she’s aware that she hasn’t. And she was really good about respecting our house rules about COVID when she was sent home from school last year—asking permission to do things/see people. Sometimes I think they just need a little distance and space to figure things out.

Now it’s DD17. Still has 7 months before she’s 18, but she’s already asserting her independence and not always in ways I find acceptable. This too shall pass.

Yes, that's another thing she did, turned off her location the second she turned 18. I joke about volunteering, but she and I used to do some at a soup kitchen type place back before Covid, and I think it would do her some good again. She's convinced she has it so much worse than anyone else, I'm so over the "woe is me" attitude!

 

[PrincessShmoo]

I think kids go through a period like that at some point or another between 15 and 25. Some much earlier, some much later.

Good luck!

Our 2 youngest (boys) are both past 25 and really no drama/issues with independence.

Not so with our oldest (daughter). But she didn't get the "you can't make me...." attitude until she was in her late 20s. Same with her 35 year old boyfriend.

 

[BlueStarryHat]

I pulled this, or at least I tried to. There was no cell phone back when I was 18 to cut off, no laptop to take away, etc. Instead, the next day at the dinner table I was given the Want Ads section of the newspaper with several jobs circled in red. Emphatically. I don't know how my Mom made a red circle yell at me, but it did. Next thing I knew, I was selling hot dogs in the supermarket parking lot and paying her board money out of my check.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think it's normal to feel that way for both parties growing pains between wanting independence and yet not really being there at that point either.

I also think it depends on the type of parenting situation before. It can be a sudden switch for either party meaning either the parent suddenly buckles down or doesn't bend a bit on some freedoms accounting for their age or the kid thinks that 18 is a magic day where now the world is your oyster.

I guess I would wonder just what things you were saying no to and if that comes across as honestly reasonable for you to say no or unreasonable for her to act out.

 

[GoingSince1990]

Oh yes, I forgot to add Olympic athletes as well!

Also, they stopped needing strollers at the age of 4, at which point they happily would spend 12-hour days in Disney parks carrying their own backpacks.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

not wanting to discuss medical appointments (until she needed $ or insurance info)

I don't get this. What did you want her to discuss with you? Her private medical information?

 

[AndreaDM]

I think it's normal to feel that way for both parties growing pains between wanting independence and yet not really being there at that point either.

I also think it depends on the type of parenting situation before. It can be a sudden switch for either party meaning either the parent suddenly buckles down or doesn't bend a bit on some freedoms accounting for their age or the kid thinks that 18 is a magic day where now the world is your oyster.

I guess I would wonder just what things you were saying no to and if that comes across as honestly reasonable for you to say no or unreasonable for her to act out.

Basically things like, no your boyfriend can't come over when no one else is home, and coming home at 3 AM is not appropriate. She's never had a curfew and has generally been reasonable, but now she thinks she can come and go as she pleases.

 

[piglet1979]

This was me. I turned 18 the summer before my senior year. I went from being the good kid. Never talked backed and did as I was told. That year I fought with my mom like crazy. After I graduated I was back to normal. I know I said to her several time "I am 18 I don't need to follow the rules any more". Just know it will get better again.

 

[FQLover]

Omg. The summer between my DD's high school graduation and the start of (away) college 2.5 months later was the worst summer of my entire life. I can't even talk about it in detail because I still have some PTSD about it all. Came out of the blue, like someone else, someone really unpleasant and mean, inhabited her body that summer.

We laugh about it now, not even two years later, and are doing great together, but it was a terrible time. It made me feel better later on when I learned that this is an infamous time for this rebellion. One work colleague who pretty much adored her two teenage sons, told me that she wanted to scream at her firstborn when he left for college, "Don't let the door hit you on your way out!"

It definitely does get better, but it can get pretty bad before that. My DD's personality change lasted about 4-5 months in total.
And there are just the two of us in the household, so I felt pretty alone with no hubby or sibling to roll eyes with. Just our dog.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Basically things like, no your boyfriend can't come over when no one else is home, and coming home at 3 AM is not appropriate. She's never had a curfew and has generally been reasonable, but now she thinks she can come and go as she pleases.

I never had a curfew but I also never came home that late while in high school. I had school in the morning and had to get up for that lol. Most often I just stayed at a friends house if it was the weekend so it wasn't the biggest deal as I wasn't coming in at 3am; I might have stayed up til 3am at the friends house but we weren't out on the town at that time. I also worked in high school and had to go to work. Both work and school were set things you couldn't just miss it because you were tired if you stayed up late.

I don't know how her school has been but if it's been remote at all I could see that adding to the mix of being an extraordinary circumstance where our experiences in our pasts (parents or kids) take on a different feeling. My husband was talking with his coworker. The coworkers's neighbor had a son in college. The classes were all remote and the son decided to go to skiing in CO for 10 days doing classwork for a while, then going skiing, then school and so on. I mean..normally no you can't do that but with the way schooling has been it changed the way things were done. School for a lot of kids is less rigid (even if they are in-person schooling) than it used to be with this pandemic and I could see that interfering with how someone feels about what they can and can't do even if we don't see that as acceptable.

While I think 3am is excessive if it was a here and there thing maybe not the worst of the worst in the grand scheme not that it means she's right you're wrong though just that it may not be the hill to die on if it makes the relationship sour so badly. If it's habitual..that's a different story. Wonder if it would appeal to her that while you don't have a curfew an earlier time is more respectful without trying to switch gears and add a curfew that didn't exist before.

But I would completely agree with you on the boyfriend thing if you had that as a pre-existing rule. That doesn't just change because you turn 18.

But you're not crazy either to feel how you feel

 

[RamblingMad]

Anyone else have a kid who thought the moment they turned 18 they could do whatever they wanted to and not have any rules because they're now an "adult"? Just venting, but my very sweet girl who was my little BFF for years is now acting an angry, entitled, negative brat. Not all the time of course, but whenever I say no to anything she says, "I don't know why you have to be like that, I'm 18 now, blah blah blah". Ugh, if you want to be an adult, pay your own darn bills! FYI, she's a high school senior and I know it's been a rough year and I'm trying to be understanding of all the things she's missed out on, etc., but there is still no reason to be rude and disrespectful to me. Maybe this is how it makes shipping them off to college a little easier?

My parents charged $600/mo rent back in the 90s because I was an adult.