I constantly have suicidal thoughts but I am not depressed

[DVCcurious]

I've looked this up online and can't find anything. I went to a psychiatrist in 2006 on an unrelated issue (hatred of Christmas) and brought this up and he kind of said it wasn't a big deal but we were mostly focussed on my hatred of Christmas so this topic didn't really get much time in our discussions. I just noticed this board here on the DIS so I figure I may as well put it out there and see if anyone can relate.

When I was 15-17 I was suicidal. Like actually, really suicidal. I wanted to kill myself, I wished I was dead, I wished I was never born, etc. I never went to a doctor and got diagnosed for depression or anything. A close friend knew but that was about it. Well long story short I transformed from suicidal to not suicidal my senior year of high school when I was 17.

I'm now 39. I can honestly say I have not been depressed (actually I should say "suicidal" instead of depressed because depression is a real thing I was never diagnosed with) in the past 22 years. In fact my life has gone about as well as anybody's life could possibly go. I'm married, have two great kids, a dream job, no money worries, etc. Everything is great.

However, the thing is, not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about killing myself. Now you probably need examples: I'll be doing something (anything really) and all of a sudden a thought will pop in my head of say putting a shotgun in my mouth and shooting it. I live in NYC, so I'll be waiting for the subway and out of nowhere I'll imagine jumping in front of the train. I'll think about going to the ocean and swimming as far out as I can until I can't swim anymore and I'd drown.

These aren't dreams. They happen when I'm wide awake during any possible instance you could imagine. I'll be at a work meeting and there'll be someone doing a presentation and BOOM something pops into my head (hanging myself or something). Just out of nowhere.

Now, to be clear, I don't want to kill myself. I know what it's like to be depressed and suicidal and I'm the exact opposite of how I was when I was a teenager. But I can't stop myself from thinking this stuff. It just pops in there, at the most random times.

I've learned to live with it and ignore it. But after 20 years I kinda realize that this won't go away, and I don't really want to spend the next 50 years I'm alive having these thoughts pop into my head every single day. OK, it may not be every day, but it's at least 300 days a year.

So have you heard of this phenomenon? Any tips to deal with this?

 

[Christine]

Okay, so let me say that I am no expert here. But here's my take on it. I agree that you don't sound truly suicidal. You actually sound like you have some form of OCD and your thoughts tend to hinge on death. This is no different really from the person who is terribly afraid of heights and gets close to an edge and imagines falling or throwing themselves off. I have heard that one and it is an anxiety response to the fear of heights. I think there are people out there who do get these random, uncontrollable thoughts popping into their heads but they might not be about suicide. They might be about hurting others or they might be about disease or something--even though in their head they don't have a disease or really want to hurt anyone.

I don't know what a psychiatrist would say about it but I'm betting that you heard/read something when you were young, probably about suicide or the ways that people have done it, and it bothered you unconsciously more than you ever realized (I could tell you stories about things I heard as a youngster that caused me all sorts of issues--simple things too). You couple that with an anxious/mildly OCD type person and this is what you get. This is really very similar to hypochondria. A person with that has thoughts (awful thoughts) just pop into their head from nowhere and they ruminate and consume them and then it's something else. I have been told that this type of thinking is anxiety/OCD or some type of compulsive thinking. This is one of those areas where I don't overall think talk therapy is the answer because I believe a person is sort of wired to think like that, but there are some mild medications that actually stop your thoughts from getting "odd" like that. I used Buspar once and it totally stopped me from having any sort of compulsive thinking.

 

[mommasita]

It really does sound OCD. Would you think of trying again with a psychiatrist, and/or a therapist? You are so young, and with a family and children, it is amazing what they can pick up on, as well as a quality of life you want to have.

Maybe they can give you the best way to overcome it.

 

[danny1649]

Please see a Doctor he may be able to help you with your condition .

 

[DVCcurious]

I appreciate the comments. It's been a couple weeks and I still have the same thoughts on a daily basis. But now I don't feel so annoyed about it. I just think "that's my obsessive compulsive personality talking" and just move on.

I will mention it to my doctor when I take my physical this year and see what he says about it. But just knowing I'm not alone and I'm not crazy has helped a lot.

 

[T00dles]

I think these thoughts come out sometimes. The truly important thing is that you are not acting on it and are planning on talking to your doc. Be good to yourself

 

[DLgal]

I have similar thoughts. I could have written this entire post. Sounds very much like my own experience although I was diagnosed with depression and got treatment (meds and therapy) to get through it.

Any way, from what I have read, these kinds of thoughts (absent intention of wanting to do it, or seriously contemplating the acts imagined) are completely normal and just the way some brains process different emotions. It is similarly common to imagine terrible things happening to your children, harming your own children, etc. Totally normal. Most people have thoughts like this even if they won't admit it.

As long as you are truly not depressed (and not just in denial), don't worry about these thoughts. The more you worry about it and dwell on them, the more often they will happen.

 

[Domo]

If you are fixating on suicide, I would definitely see a new psychiatrist - not a doctor, but specifically a psychiatrist. It sounds to me like a disorder and something that needs treating, toot sweet.

 

[Asc341]

There's a place on the UES (90th) called Behavioral Associates, where they build your skills for noticing, handling, and eventually, lessening, disconcerting thoughts. They have a few specialists with broad focuses - it may be worth checking out, or scheduling an evaluation to hear what they think of your symptoms. Best of luck!

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

Just sending you good thoughts and prayers that these images will leave your mind so that you can have a more peaceful balance in your life.

 

[Kelsey Lonaberger]

I appreciate the comments. It's been a couple weeks and I still have the same thoughts on a daily basis. But now I don't feel so annoyed about it. I just think "that's my obsessive compulsive personality talking" and just move on.

I will mention it to my doctor when I take my physical this year and see what he says about it. But just knowing I'm not alone and I'm not crazy has helped a lot.

I lost my brother to suicide. Suicide is never the answer. Your not only hurting yourself your hurting others as well. Believe me- I'm not perfect. I made a post earlier and everyone actually ended up picking out my flaws then the support I really needed. Which makes me very depressed and a ****ty human being. We're all human we make mistakes. But I can say that suicide is NOT the answer. My brother committed suicide and I haven't been right ever since. I talk to therapist about my issues and it helps somewhat but your real support is you! Do things for you! No one else! Take care! I will check for replies.

You have so much to live for. Your blessed with a life, some people get it taken from them! Hugs!

 

[Princesca]

OP, I think most people have experienced this, though possibly not with the frequency you have. I liken it to contemplating your mortality, not wanting to end it. It is the very nature of 'I think, therefore I am'... I think it is a natural part of existence to contemplate your non-existence, and subconsciously, the very act of contemplating non-existence reaffirms existence, which is ironic. I went through a rough period working for a truly hellish employer, and I used to visualize driving into the back of semis on my way to work, or off the side of the overpass. I wouldn't have done it in a million years, but... the thoughts would pop into my head.

All this is to say that I don't think this is super abnormal. If it troubles you, definitely talk to someone, but you could also try creating a mantra or something that you say whenever these thoughts occur to you. Like something as simple as: "It's funny that I think of things like this. What a wonderful life I have. How blessed I am." Or whatever works for you.

But do keep tabs on it, keep checking in with yourself, and if you start to actually feel suicidal again, please do seek help.

 

[JediBonas]

I agree with the others that it sounds like OCD, the same thing happens to me (although not quite as frequently) and I do have a diagnoses of OCD/anxiety and have been told it's not uncommon.

 

[Princesca]

Whoops another zombie thread. Seeing so many of these lately!