Lack of Everything

[Luv0fDisney]

Today I received my magic bands for my upcoming trip in 20+ days... one should be excited right? right, but I'm not. I lack emotion, lack of perception, and perspective... I lack everything. I lack emotion...did I say that already?

My mind feels empty, especially the frontal lobe. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to look at life...how I'm supposed to look at other people or feel about anything or anyone. I feel empty. I feel like a zombie. Nothing feels the same. There's no emotion what-so ever. It's like I don't care. It's like I'm just waiting for the end to come.

I don't sleep. Well I do only because I take advil pm for the past 3+ years. I don't know how sleep is supposed to feel...if that makes any sense. I have no friends and live with my parents. I feel like a failure. I have no motivation. I just...don't care. who cares? I don't have any friends. I'm not out going. I have tried groups dedicated to Disney in person like pin trading and what - not. I even tried a dog group.

I feel like I waste time and $$. I feel like I'm a waste of space. Like an object. I ache from head to toe. i don't see the point of life any more if we are all just supposed to die.

I am not sure if any one watches the Jesse Stone movies but I compare myself to Jesse Stone, except I don't drink.. I just feel empty.I just feel like I'm an expense to my parents who just complain about $$ to pay for life insurance. I ask them to do stuff with me like going to the malls (to window shop and walk around). They just keep saying no.

i don't trust people. Never really have but at the same time I used to get excited to see certain people...like my cousin. But I have had many disappointments, and feel like I'm just tired of them. Tired of being disappointed all the time...getting my hopes up (in the past) so I just don't care any more. Some say this is depression, but I don't think it is. I don't know what it is and I don't know how to get people to listen. I just feel confused...and brain dead.

I used to get excited when I talked to people about Disney but then I just started to think that no one really cared about what I had to say. To me nothing has a purpose..

 

[Christine]

It's hard to say what this might be. It certainly sounds like depression but it could be something more. Have you always felt this way, even as a child or is this something that came later?

Have you ever made an appointment with a counselor or therapist? I ask this only because a person like that may have some insight into this lack of emotion you feel and if there are others that feel as you do. Sometimes it helps just to know you aren't the only one.

 

[mommasita]

Hi Luv, haven't seen you in a while..

It does sound like depression, but agree it could be so much more. Are you in counseling still?

 

[Luv0fDisney]

no more counseling... i find it not to be helpful because i honestly don't see what someone can tell me how to feel.
i always feel angry even when I'm not.

 

[mommasita]

no more counseling... i find it not to be helpful because i honestly don't see what someone can tell me how to feel.
i always feel angry even when I'm not.

Sorry to hear that. I know for myself, when I was going through that rough time, it was about finding the right fit. I had two counselors who I didn't feel right with, and I could not open up to, and so it just didn't work. When finally I did feel it was the right fit (at least for me) it wasn't about telling me how to feel, it was about me just getting it off my chest, and when I did that, primarily listening to myself, and the counselor asking the right questions, it just worked.

Maybe you could try another counselor, or another avenue for some help?

So sorry you are hurting.

 

[smiths02]

It does sound like depression or depression coupled with something else?
I know you said you aren't in counseling right now. Maybe do as mommasita suggested and look for another counselor?
Also, have you seen a psychiatrist? Advil PM and counseling might not be enough to deal with possible chemical imbalances. Advil PM might also possibly cause health problems.

 

[Pookles]

I don't know you or your situation. But I do know that staying in our own heads too much can be rough. And we're our own worst critics. Rarely a great combo if you are depressed. And if you arent, it can turn you.

My aunt is a therapist and we've had more than one conversation about finding the right one. You might have to visit several. It seems a cumbersome task, but worth it in the end if you find what you need.

As for the Tylenol PM, maybe try a guided meditation and no electronics an hour before bed? It really has been helping my insomnia. I just couldn't turn my brain off. I found free guided meditations online. Best of luck to you.

 

[danny1649]

I'm sorry to hear your lack of excitement. I will say I have felt the same way. When I got to park I felt much better. Please in no way am I saying you will have same experience . Still try going on trip and see if you feel better or no difference at least you will know does anything to lift your spirit.