My sister who is joining us on our cruise in 3 months, LOST her husband of 40 yrs. BAD update

[Disney1fan2002]

My BIL was dx'd with lung cancer back in February. He was struggling with shingles pain that he got in December. My sister had a stroke in March that she thankfully recovered from. To say their life has been HELL these past 7 months is a gross understatement. The shingles pain was so unbearable, that my BIL...a rough, tough man of construction for 50 years was reduced to tears on a daily basis. He went to more than one pain clinic and was maxed out on every drug they thought would help him , but nothing touched the pain. He even smoked some marijuana, and that barely took the edge off. 7 months of non-stop pain, plus the stress of a cancer dx, plus the stress of my sister's stroke.

Last week they found the cancer had metastasized to his brain and colon. After only 6 weeks of radiation and chemo (treatment was delayed because of his pain).

They put him in hospice house last Tuesday and gave him a week. I got an update from my sister this afternoon, and they are saying within 72 hours he will be gone.

My sister married him at the age of 21 years old. They have their 40th anniversary coming up in October. She is a strong, independent woman, but I think this may break her. He was never part of the cruise plans, it is her and my 30 yo niece that are joining us.

I want her to enjoy the cruise, but I don't want to seem like I am telling her to forget him. In 3 months, the loss is still going to be fresh.

If you have cruised or know someone who has cruised shortly after losing a loved one, what did you do to help make the cruise about enjoying life again? I know I won't be able to make anything happen for her, she will grieve in her own way and in her own time. I just want to be able to make suggestions that she can either accept or forget.

 

[darnheather]

Just let her do what she needs to do. Encourage her to join you for dinner but don't force it. Encourage her to help you plan an excursion but don't force it. May you all find peace.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

First, I can’t express how very sorry I am for everything you are all going through. I really hope for peace & comfort for your family.
Many years ago, my mom & I had planned a trip to Disney & we were taking my then 4 year old son.
My father died unexpectedly a few months before the trip. We still went, because we both wanted to go & I believe we had a good time because all the pictures look like we did.
Neither of us actually remember very many details about being there. Really the entire first year after he was gone is a major blur.
I think what you can do & what I’m sure you will do is be there to support her & respect how she is feeling. She will have ups & downs, there is no way around it & there is no timetable or rule book for when & how she finds her new normal.

 

[jerseygal]

Very very sorry for your sister and brother in law and for your family. So much suffering that they have endured. I wish for moments of peace during the cruise and I hope that your sister can get a respite from so much emotional pain and stress. May you all be blessed.

 

[danielocha30]

I’m sorry...for sure it will give your sister something to look forward and help while she mourn. It won’t be easy to adjust to his absence, but having this vacation already plan will do good to her.

 

[southerngirl528]

So sorry to hear about your sister's husband, and all he and she have been through. My prayers are with your sister, brother in law and the family.

I agree very much with the other posters. Grief is a strange journey, and it looks so different from person to person, and day to day. We had dear friends many years ago that had one beloved DD, and we had vacationed together several times. We had booked our first ever cruise, just the grown-ups, no kids, and soon after their precious daughter (a young teen), was killed in a horrific car accident. One of the things she said to me a few days after they lost their sweet daughter was that they were still going to go on the cruise. She felt it would give them something positive to look forward to. They did go. We had as good a time as one could expect just a few months after their dreadful loss, but their pain was palpable. In their case, it seemed to help even if just a little. Everyone is different in what helps.

 

[Pens Fan]

I lost my Mom in the middle of a fairly significant vacation for our family. It was the trip our son had planned for his graduation - 2 weeks of fishing and jeeping in Colorado. While it was a difficult and emotional journey for me, I will have to say that just being in a place that I love dearly - the Rocky Mountains - was incredibly soothing to my soul. I look back on it now - 2 years later - and I think of the little things - the amazing dinner we had the night I got the phone call that she was gone and the wonderful waitress who had no clue what had transpired but yet gave us an incredible night. The owner of our B & B had no idea what was going on until we left early for the funeral, but gave us one of the most amazing hotel experience we've ever had. It was as if someone was looking over us and sending all of the vacation angels to make things better.

As awful as those two weeks were, they are also an incredible memory. I agree with the others that you can't force these things. Yet, somehow, at least for me, the best things just transpired on their own. Your sister will find her own way. Just be there to support her and love her. Vacations have a knack for healing our pain if you let them.

 

[Lynne M]

what did you do to help make the cruise about enjoying life again? I know I won't be able to make anything happen for her, she will grieve in her own way and in her own time. I just want to be able to make suggestions that she can either accept or forget.

To be honest, I wouldn't make any "enjoy life again" suggestions or plans. Just make the plans you would have made anyway, and let her choose what she wants to participate in when the time comes.

I haven't cruised with anyone right after a death, but I've been through grieving periods with enough loved ones to know that there's nothing you can do to "fix" someone's grief. You just have to be there with kindness and love as they find their own way through it. It's a different journey for everyone, and it's next to impossible to predict how someone will handle such a terrible loss.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Very very sorry for your sister and brother in law and for your family. So much suffering that they have endured. I wish for moments of peace during the cruise and I hope that your sister can get a respite from so much emotional pain and stress. May you all be blessed.

Could not say it any better..

 

[Lynne M]

Oh, and I just wanted to add: I don't know how Disney's insurance works with a death in the family, or if it would even be possible to get when he's so close to the end. But do look into it. My mother's reaction to my dad's death was heart arrythmias and severe anxiety. There were a lot of ER visits and a couple of hospitalizations to get the arrhythmia under control in the weeks and months after he passed. No way on earth would she have been able to travel.

 

[Tigerlulu]

I cruised with a friend three months after losing her husband. Left her a single mom with theee young kids. She needed to get away, she’d always dreamed of seeing blue water and she spent some time alone early in the mornings or in the evenings looking over the balcony thinking of him. I think it was therapeutic for her to get away for a few days. It didn’t cast a shadow over the trip at all. We just loved her and respected her need for occasional space.

 

[3monkeys4me]

I am sorry for the pain your family is going through right now. I agree with everyone who has stated that people grieve differently and everyone has their own process they need to go through. Follow your sister's lead and be supportive of what she wants/needs. Is it your niece's father that is dying? She will be hurting too.

Three years ago we lost my mother suddenly while she was on vacation. The day after my mom passed my uncle suffered a massive attack and passed 2 weeks later. My grandmother struggled with the loss of 2 of her children within 2 weeks of each other. She had already buried my other uncle 4 years before that and we all felt that the loss of my mom and uncle might be too much for her. Thankfully she is a very strong woman and while she continues to grieve she has been able to move forward. About 2 weeks after the funerals she and my aunt took a weekend away just to relax and get away for a little while. I really think it did them both a world of good.

I hope that with whatever your sister decides to do she finds peace.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Has your sister mentioned wanting to get away? It's probably too soon for her to even think about it. She has so much on her mind and in her heart right now.

When my DFIL passed several years ago in March, DMIL didn't want to spend her first Christmas at home without him, so we did an extended family vacation to Maui, somewhere she and DFIL had not been. It was therapeutic for her, but that was nine months after his passing, so she had had some time to process part of the grief. Death of a loved one is not something you get over -- it's something you learn to cope with.

Best wishes to your family.

 

[Carrie in AZ]

I am very sorry to read this sad news. You are very, very kind and your family is blessed to have you. Sending some hugs your way.

 

[fhtpdw20]

So sorry you are having to go on this journey. Just echoing the above. There is no right way to grieve. Give her some space and don't try to make it better. Tears are a good thing and better than keeping everything bottled up. You never know what will trigger tears. It could be memories from a song or a certain smell or a just he would have loved this moment. Let her know that you are there for her once and then back off so she doesn't feel like she is being watched for a break down if you know what I mean. In time she will find the way that works best for her. Are there going to be any milestones like first birthday, anniversary, holiday during your trip? The best thing to do is let her lead.

 

[verleniahall]

everyone grives differently.

my grandpa passed from cancer, my grand mnka was relieced - jyst f oh r the fact he wasnt in pain anymore.

she writes a letter to him eaxh morning in a journal, but she dudnt grueve long - she told mr shes had grieved him through the process and niw s by e coukd stop.

 

[CamColt]

Just let her do what she needs to do. Encourage her to join you for dinner but don't force it. Encourage her to help you plan an excursion but don't force it. May you all find peace.

This is perfect! ^^^

I am sorry for what your family has been going through. Prayers on the way!

 

[mevelandry]

I feel so bad for your sister. I have lost loved ones from cancer and it is heartbreaking when it happens so fast.

As other have mentioned, you can encourage her to come with you, book excursions, etc... but without forcing her.

Also, for some people, talking about it during vacation and other nice moments will only make them sad. Everybody is different. Examples:

-When I got married, the celebrant suggested that I put a rose on an empty chair to symbolize my mother (which I lost to cancer)... I refused as seeing that empty chair during my wedding would have destroyed me.

-Another example would be the first Christmas after my husband lost his sister. The evening was very nice until my DH's aunt, filled with good intentions, announced that she had bought a symbolic gift destined to my DH's sister (as a tribute to her life). Nobody was expecting it and started crying and it made them really sad for the rest of the evening.

I encourage you to "follow her lead".

 

[All about me]

I would wait and see if she is even going to want to still go on the cruise.

 

[Jess_S]

I don't have any useful advice. Just wanted to say that I am sorry that you and your sister are dealing with your BIL's illness. Like many here, I have gone through similar losses and it is very hard. (I personally was happy to have things to take my mind off my grief, but I know that for others a trip would be salt in the wound).