Serious Dating question

[Pea-n-Me]

I just saw on another thread (a current one on the CB, did not go searching!) you mentioned your former husband was "controlling". (And from here, I didn't realize you were divorced twice.) I don't know what happened there, but I'd think it would be natural if that was your experience to sort of "react" badly to your impression of someone trying to control you or the conversation, etc. Only mentioning that as another thing to maybe have insight into about yourself. We all do that in one way or another, I'd say, based on what our own experiences in life are. So in other words it's not necessarily that every man is trying to control you, but it might feel that way to you if it's been upsetting to you in the past. I'd think it would take some time in a relationship to really know whether someone was really trying to control you or not. What happens in the first initial dates may not be really what people are like. It's just sort of that getting-to-know-you game. And it does seem really confusing today. I feel for you. Hang in there. And yes, be yourself. Maybe with a little tweaking here and there. Maybe don't try so hard.

 

[quandrea]

And, honestly, dating is just...HARD. Or it is for me. Its like every date and every new person is taking a test and I don't have all the answers and it just sucks, but I want a partner and to really be committed again - so, you just gotta keep trying no matter what. Ugh, I'm just being an emotional stupidhead today because I'm disappointed again. I was just really hoping to get off this terrible merry-go-round soon, but I'm not going to continue to date someone who makes me fundamentally uncomfortable. Of course, I'm flawed, but as I've mentioned, I definitely appreciate that you guys have all listened when I'm really pretty down about this aspect of my life today. Getting all the thoughts out I guess helped. I will be amending my language in retelling stories though.

Just keep trying. Try not to internalise it. When the right one comes along he will celebrate your quirks and weirdness. It will be EASY. Sounds corny, but it's true.

Edit to add: when I say keep trying, I mean just keep dating.

 

[amberpi]

I just saw on another thread (a current one on the CB, did not go searching!) you mentioned your former husband was "controlling". (And from here, I didn't realize you were divorced twice.) I don't know what happened there, but I'd think it would be natural if that was your experience to sort of "react" badly to your impression of someone trying to control you or the conversation, etc. Only mentioning that as another thing to maybe have insight into about yourself. We all do that in one way or another, I'd say, based on what our own experiences in life are. So in other words it's not necessarily that every man is trying to control you, but it might feel that way to you if it's been upsetting to you in the past. I'd think it would take some time in a relationship to really know whether someone was really trying to control you or not. What happens in the first initial dates may not be really what people are like. It's just sort of that getting-to-know-you game. And it does seem really confusing today. I feel for you. Hang in there. And yes, be yourself. Maybe with a little tweaking here and there. Maybe don't try so hard.

Thanks - I'm a big girl and usually LOVE dating, like I go on a first date at LEAST once a week. Even when they're boring, whatever, I just enjoy meeting people without having to approach them at a coffee shop. That scares the crap out of me. Today, and hearing all you guys talk about long term relationships and hanging with my folks - make me want that so much!!! Its like just one of those days your hearts a little. I'm getting over it.

And yep, I know controlling is an issue for me, which is why internet strangers help me with a gut check , like is this a thing, or is this an Amber thing? - and my therapist of course helps, but I don't see her until tomorrow. So, when I say I'm not perfect and looking for advice, I am. Maybe I should listen to "someday my prince will come" a few times.

 

[ronandannette]

Thanks - I'm a big girl and usually LOVE dating, like I go on a first date at LEAST once a week. Even when they're boring, whatever, I just enjoy meeting people without having to approach them at a coffee shop. That scares the crap out of me. Today, and hearing all you guys talk about long term relationships and hanging with my folks - make me want that so much!!! Its like just one of those days your hearts a little. I'm getting over it.

And yep, I know controlling is an issue for me, which is why internet strangers help me with a gut check , like is this a thing, or is this an Amber thing? - and my therapist of course helps, but I don't see her until tomorrow. So, when I say I'm not perfect and looking for advice, I am. Maybe I should listen to "someday my prince will come" a few times.

You should talk to @Kathryn Merteuil. The two of you have a lot in common.

 

[justussix]

Maybe you shouldn't be looking for a "prince"? Maybe you shouldn't think it will be "easy" if it's right.

Easy is what you make of it. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's the most difficult thing ever. Sticking with it is a choice and a confidence in knowing that the hard times won't be forever, and the easy times will come again and they'll be great when they do. In my marriage, I think both of our lives are much better than they would be without each other, but that doesn't mean everyday is rainbows and unicorns. We don't like all the same things and don't react the same in various social situations - but over the years I think our combined strengths have been better for us.

 

[quandrea]

Maybe you shouldn't be looking for a "prince"? Maybe you shouldn't think it will be "easy" if it's right.

Easy is what you make of it. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's the most difficult thing ever. Sticking with it is a choice and a confidence in knowing that the hard times won't be forever, and the easy times will come again and they'll be great when they do. In my marriage, I think both of our lives are much better than they would be without each other, but that doesn't mean everyday is rainbows and unicorns. We don't like all the same things and don't react the same in various social situations - but over the years I think our combined strengths have been better for us.

I agree I hope when I say easy that amperpi doesn't think that means perfect. I was trying to say that a good adult relationship doesn't have drama. People communicate, forgive, commit. You do that though, because you are a good fit.

 

[amberpi]

Maybe you shouldn't be looking for a "prince"? Maybe you shouldn't think it will be "easy" if it's right.

Easy is what you make of it. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's the most difficult thing ever. Sticking with it is a choice and a confidence in knowing that the hard times won't be forever, and the easy times will come again and they'll be great when they do.

I'm not actually looking for a prince or a knight, just feeling a bit sorry for myself today.

That bolded bit? Ugh, that's all I can hope for and really what I want. I'll just keep kissing frogs!

 

[Cloudy]

I'm a big girl and usually LOVE dating, like I go on a first date at LEAST once a week.

That is a lot of dating. I never had that much opportunity. I am worried you are not giving this man enough of a chance. He is as close to perfect as you have dated recently. His faults are he does not like you mentioning your ex and he tells some not funny/stupid stories? I do not find that a deal breaker. Maybe you are both a little nervous. You have only been dating a few weeks. It takes time to feel comfortable with someone. It takes time to know their likes and dislikes. I would keep dating him. What do you have to lose? Some more bad first dates? This man seems to have a lot of positives and over time you may find his negatives are something you can live with. No one is perfect.

My spouse and I both say the same thing about why we married each other: I thought he/she was the best I could do. Not that either of us settled, but that if I got out my list of what I wanted in a spouse, my husband checked off most of the boxes. Neither of us thought we could find someone closer to perfect for us. We have been married for 26 years. It has not always been easy. We have a disabled child. We are committed to making it work. I would have never married him if I walked away the first time he told a stupid story.

 

[Kitty 34]

Amberpi, nothing at all against you, but reading your dating experiences makes me sooooooo glad I don't date anymore. DH could drop dead tomorrow but I'm good. I have my sons, grandkids and many friends including many DISers to fill my needs. Good luck to you and maybe just don't try so hard!!!

 

[amberpi]

That is a lot of dating. I never had that much opportunity. I am worried you are not giving this man enough of a chance. He is as close to perfect as you have dated recently. His faults are he does not like you mentioning your ex and he tells some not funny/stupid stories? I do not find that a deal breaker. Maybe you are both a little nervous. You have only been dating a few weeks. It takes time to feel comfortable with someone. It takes time to know their likes and dislikes. I would keep dating him. What do you have to lose? Some more bad first dates? This man seems to have a lot of positives and over time you may find his negatives are something you can live with. No one is perfect.

Its a good bit, loads of folks do much, much more. Serial dating is something I know is inherently flawed with online dating, and I'm absolutely guilty of it. There are always more men to swipe right on. Its makes all of us looking for connection looking for the perfect, exact thing, because we see all of the possibilities. We all bail at the first red flag, because the next guy will be better. I know its a flaw in the system and at some point you have to deal with these things when they come up, but - what about the guy that owns the bar and the tattoo parlor, what about that one lawyer, architect, musician, hot guy, etc., etc., etc. Its the same for men and its epidemic.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Right now, I've decided to do nothing and go out. Maybe I'll find the next ex Mr. Amberpi at trivia tonight

 

[Cloudy]

Its a good bit, loads of folks do much, much more. Serial dating is something I know is inherently flawed with online dating, and I'm absolutely guilty of it. There are always more men to swipe right on. Its makes all of us looking for connection looking for the perfect, exact thing, because we see all of the possibilities. We all bail at the first red flag, because the next guy will be better. I know its a flaw in the system and at some point you have to deal with these things when they come up, but - what about the guy that owns the bar and the tattoo parlor, what about that one lawyer, architect, musician, hot guy, etc., etc., etc. Its the same for men and its epidemic.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Right now, I've decided to do nothing and go out. Maybe I'll find the next ex Mr. Amberpi at trivia tonight

I am all for serial dating if that is what you wish to do, but you gave me the impression you are looking for a long term companion? You have a right to do what you choose, but if it was me I would delete all the dating apps for a couple of months and just give this man a chance.

 

[DaisyJ]

Its a good bit, loads of folks do much, much more. Serial dating is something I know is inherently flawed with online dating, and I'm absolutely guilty of it. There are always more men to swipe right on. Its makes all of us looking for connection looking for the perfect, exact thing, because we see all of the possibilities. We all bail at the first red flag, because the next guy will be better. I know its a flaw in the system and at some point you have to deal with these things when they come up, but - what about the guy that owns the bar and the tattoo parlor, what about that one lawyer, architect, musician, hot guy, etc., etc., etc. Its the same for men and its epidemic.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Right now, I've decided to do nothing and go out. Maybe I'll find the next ex Mr. Amberpi at trivia tonight

So dump the apps and start meeting people in person.

 

[jrmasm]

Its a good bit, loads of folks do much, much more. Serial dating is something I know is inherently flawed with online dating, and I'm absolutely guilty of it. There are always more men to swipe right on. Its makes all of us looking for connection looking for the perfect, exact thing, because we see all of the possibilities. We all bail at the first red flag, because the next guy will be better. I know its a flaw in the system and at some point you have to deal with these things when they come up, but - what about the guy that owns the bar and the tattoo parlor, what about that one lawyer, architect, musician, hot guy, etc., etc., etc. Its the same for men and its epidemic.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Right now, I've decided to do nothing and go out. Maybe I'll find the next ex Mr. Amberpi at trivia tonight

No one is perfect. Including you.

 

[Snap Crackle Pop]

Maybe you need to pull back on going on a lot of dates since you seem to have unreasonable standards imo, it' seems to me you are desperate to be in a relationship and you should probably be comfortable being alone for awhile until you are able to see things a little clearer. Also maybe online dating just isn't for you either.

 

[bellebud]

Just curious Amber, have you ever done that super-fast dating thing? Do they even do that anymore? Speed-dating maybe its called?? I always thought that looked like fun (if I were single). And I don't think it could hurt to stick it out with him a little more, if you really like everything else about him. But like I posted before, I really don't like that type of sense of humor either, so I'm with you there.

 

[Disney Doll]

My DH knows I (obviously) had a life prior to meeting him. But there is no need to dwell on exes or constantly talk about them. My DH was never in competition with an ex, so why would I feel the need to talk about them?

Why would you feel the need to act as if they never existed?

 

[Disney Doll]

After reading this thread and a few others about dating in this new world, I have made the decision that if my DH dies before me (divorce won't happen), I will live happily single for the rest of my life....even if its tomorrow!

I say this to my DH all the time.
One and done.

I don't have the time or the inclination to temper every word I say because someone's self esteem is so fragile that they can't bear to hear me talk about people I have known or experiences I have had.

 

[rigs32]

I would think most people, as the age, have shared life experiences with others who they used to be involved with. While I agree that you shouldn't talk about an ex personally early on, to try and wash former partners from your past entirely also seems quite strange. You wouldn't scrub family/friends from the stories of your life even if you've drifted apart.

 

[amberpi]

Lord. As I've admitted, I'm far from perfect and I listen to advice.

I do want a ltr. This is not a guy I'd leave online dating for at this point, this morning I was almost out the door. I'm going to keep an open mind and admit I've been too far in my head...and I do throw guys away. I've literally never met someone organically, so online dating it is and I can keep hoping and trying. I would love to meet someone at my favorite coffee shop, but I'm not going to start hanging at the bars to find a man.

I don't know what kind of impression I've given that I'm desperate. I would love to fall in love again! Of course, that's what I'm seeking, but I'm never going to lower my standards. That'd just land me with someone I didn't respect and I'd much prefer to be alone and usually happy than to settle...but I do have my days that dating just sucks...I bet even ya'll with great relationships, and I've had that, have those days that being single looks flipping great

Just curious Amber, have you ever done that super-fast dating thing? Do they even do that anymore? Speed-dating maybe its called?? I always thought that looked like fun (if I were single). And I don't think it could hurt to stick it out with him a little more, if you really like everything else about him. But like I posted before, I really don't like that type of sense of humor either, so I'm with you there.

If speed dating was still around in a more meaningful way, I would TOTALLY do it. I've never heard much of it locally, but I've spent wide swaths of life either being involved/married or decidedly NOT dating. It would so be up my alley. I have 0 interest in talking to people in the wild - I want to be able to sort for some basic things - but I understand speed dating would be putting like mindedish people in a room and having mini dates. I just looked it up though and there is an event in a month or so, I may well try. Thanks for getting me to reconsider.

I just needed a day to be disappointed. There's interesting stuff out there. I'll be great and with Dis advice, I'll be even better!

 

[bellebud]

Lord. As I've admitted, I'm far from perfect and I listen to advice.

I do want a ltr. This is not a guy I'd leave online dating for at this point, this morning I was almost out the door. I'm going to keep an open mind and admit I've been too far in my head...and I do throw guys away. I've literally never met someone organically, so online dating it is and I can keep hoping and trying. I would love to meet someone at my favorite coffee shop, but I'm not going to start hanging at the bars to find a man.

I don't know what kind of impression I've given that I'm desperate. I would love to fall in love again! Of course, that's what I'm seeking, but I'm never going to lower my standards. That'd just land me with someone I didn't respect and I'd much prefer to be alone and usually happy than to settle...but I do have my days that dating just sucks...I bet even ya'll with great relationships, and I've had that, have those days that being single looks flipping great



If speed dating was still around in a more meaningful way, I would TOTALLY do it. I've never heard much of it locally, but I've spent wide swaths of life either being involved/married or decidedly NOT dating. It would so be up my alley. I have 0 interest in talking to people in the wild - I want to be able to sort for some basic things - but I understand speed dating would be putting like mindedish people in a room and having mini dates. I just looked it up though and there is an event in a month or so, I may well try. Thanks for getting me to reconsider.

I just needed a day to be disappointed. There's interesting stuff out there. I'll be great and with Dis advice, I'll be even better!

I've never once gotten the impression that you're desperate. I do see the other posters here maybe thinking along those lines. I have gotten quite the opposite impression of you from this and other posts - you've been through a heck of a lot with your health and you're going strong, you're intelligent, funny, friendly, kind.... I just see it as you're simply in the dating pool, not just sticking your toe in. You might as well jump right in