Serious Dating question

[DaisyJ]

Lord. As I've admitted, I'm far from perfect and I listen to advice.

I do want a ltr. This is not a guy I'd leave online dating for at this point, this morning I was almost out the door. I'm going to keep an open mind and admit I've been too far in my head...and I do throw guys away. I've literally never met someone organically, so online dating it is and I can keep hoping and trying. I would love to meet someone at my favorite coffee shop, but I'm not going to start hanging at the bars to find a man.

I don't know what kind of impression I've given that I'm desperate. I would love to fall in love again! Of course, that's what I'm seeking, but I'm never going to lower my standards. That'd just land me with someone I didn't respect and I'd much prefer to be alone and usually happy than to settle...but I do have my days that dating just sucks...I bet even ya'll with great relationships, and I've had that, have those days that being single looks flipping great



If speed dating was still around in a more meaningful way, I would TOTALLY do it. I've never heard much of it locally, but I've spent wide swaths of life either being involved/married or decidedly NOT dating. It would so be up my alley. I have 0 interest in talking to people in the wild - I want to be able to sort for some basic things - but I understand speed dating would be putting like mindedish people in a room and having mini dates. I just looked it up though and there is an event in a month or so, I may well try. Thanks for getting me to reconsider.

I just needed a day to be disappointed. There's interesting stuff out there. I'll be great and with Dis advice, I'll be even better!

So using online dating/apps isn't working and hasn't been for a long time, but you're not willing to do something different. I'm out.

 

[amberpi]

I've never once gotten the impression that you're desperate. I do see the other posters here maybe thinking along those lines. I have gotten quite the opposite impression of you from this and other posts - you've been through a heck of a lot with your health and you're going strong, you're intelligent, funny, friendly, kind.... I just see it as you're simply in the dating pool, not just sticking your toe in. You might as well jump right in

Yep, I tend to do that, I'm either dating, or I'm just taking some me time. But good lord, thank you for saying this this morning! Some days it doesn't matter how strong or nice you are, dating is just the pits. Thanks for thinking of me, Belle, between this and a new personal record for walking - darn near running - a mile this morning in PT, I'm ready to go out and fight any number of dating dragons.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Lord. As I've admitted, I'm far from perfect and I listen to advice.

I do want a ltr. This is not a guy I'd leave online dating for at this point, this morning I was almost out the door. I'm going to keep an open mind and admit I've been too far in my head...and I do throw guys away. I've literally never met someone organically, so online dating it is and I can keep hoping and trying. I would love to meet someone at my favorite coffee shop, but I'm not going to start hanging at the bars to find a man.

I don't know what kind of impression I've given that I'm desperate. I would love to fall in love again! Of course, that's what I'm seeking, but I'm never going to lower my standards. That'd just land me with someone I didn't respect and I'd much prefer to be alone and usually happy than to settle...but I do have my days that dating just sucks...I bet even ya'll with great relationships, and I've had that, have those days that being single looks flipping great



If speed dating was still around in a more meaningful way, I would TOTALLY do it. I've never heard much of it locally, but I've spent wide swaths of life either being involved/married or decidedly NOT dating. It would so be up my alley. I have 0 interest in talking to people in the wild - I want to be able to sort for some basic things - but I understand speed dating would be putting like mindedish people in a room and having mini dates. I just looked it up though and there is an event in a month or so, I may well try. Thanks for getting me to reconsider.

I just needed a day to be disappointed. There's interesting stuff out there. I'll be great and with Dis advice, I'll be even better!

I've never seen you as desperate. I do think you should lay off some of the online dating. It seems like you're searching for "the perfect partner" and when you meet people in other venues and face to face it's more like you're getting to know someone for any reason and if there's a spark you may decide to date.

You kind of remind me of a guy (I've just seen it more in guys) who looks at women in terms of good, better, best, instead of just relaxing and not worrying if they can do better. Usually those guys end up alone because no woman is good enough.

 

[StraightToDumbo]

If it was concerning enough to pop a red flag for you, it's probably worth noting. One red flag leads to another, which leads to another. It's inevitable. I'd move on and find someone that only wields green flags

 

[gryffindors]

I mean, from the sounds of the examples you gave in your original post, you could easily tell those stories without including your ex. It doesn't seem like they are an integral part of the narrative. If someone doesn't want to hear about my exes I just take it at face value and respect their wishes. that is really not a dealbreaker or a red flag in my books.

As other people have mentioned, online dating isn't exactly a pond full of prize winning fish. None of us can really know the full context/tone and at the end of the day, you know yourself best!

 

[StraightToDumbo]

As other people have mentioned, online dating isn't exactly a pond full of prize winning fish.

How true is this? Do you know where all the "good" mates are? They're WITH GOOD MATES. That, or they are out enjoying life, making a living, taking what life throws at them. They're not fishing in the online dating pond.

 

[gryffindors]

How true is this? Do you know where all the "good" mates are? They're WITH GOOD MATES. That, or they are out enjoying life, making a living, taking what life throws at them. They're not fishing in the online dating pond.

In the interest of transparency, I have met... two actually nice guys via online dating. But, then take into account all the awful dates I went on to find two passable options

In all fairness, everyone's experiences are different though! People value different things, and some stuff that are dealbreakers for me might not matter to other people! That's why I vote that at the end of the day, if it actually bothers you, then it is something worth discussing with the guy, or breaking things off if you feel that strongly.

 

[dragonrider2014]

I wonder if you would have better luck if you used something like meet up instead of a dating site. Since meet up is a group situation with people with similar interests, it would be more organic if you met someone without the stress of it being a date or like having to approach a stranger in a coffee shop.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay... I am going to comment on the situation at hand, and not make any personal comments about the OP and her dating!!!!
It would be perfectly okay and normal for many people to not want to hear 'personal' stories about a new relationships Ex's.
Especially so early in the new relationship.
it is fine to give one's personal status... Like, "I am divorced... and have been single for a year/two years... whatever..."
But, Me and my ex John were here and did this and said that... WAY, WAY, W A Y, to much.

The fact that this guy might not be okay with such personal stories about one's Ex would not bother me at all....
I did have one long-term relationship before I met and married DH... Never have mentioned any of these kinds of personal details... Never thought it would be a good idea... and never felt the need to.

What would bother me, enough to not see this guy again, is the 'messing with me' factor.
That, to me, is a huge red-flag. (OMG, people... I actually DID say red-flag this time, since the OP asked and it has been a recurring thing in this thread.)

That is not the personality type, or the kind of relationship, that I would ever choose to be involved with.

 

[amberpi]

I wonder if you would have better luck if you used something like meet up instead of a dating site. Since meet up is a group situation with people with similar interests, it would be more organic if you met someone without the stress of it being a date or like having to approach a stranger in a coffee shop.

I've just been looking into that actually! I had previously thought they were all hiking groups, which I still wouldn't feel 100% confident about uneven surfaces, but I looked and there are a TON more. I just signed up for one on July 12th! Great minds!

 

[amberpi]

What would bother me, enough to not see this guy again, is the 'messing with me' factor'.
That, to me, is a huge red-flag. (OMG, people... I actually DID say red-flag this time, since the OP asked and it has been a recurring thing in this thread.)

That is not the personality type, or the kind of relationship, that I would ever choose to be involved with.

I don't ever give details about an ex, but I do say "so, z and I were here and this is the crazy story." It has nothing to do with "z" but I can easily modify that to be "so, I was here and this is the crazy story," nbd, lesson learned

Today, the fact that its always in front of this one bartender is getting to me. He really wants to go out again though, so I'm going to see if maybe he can not do that and it'll be fine like the "ex" thing was fine when he realized it wasn't about an ex, and *I* learned how to modify my language. If he "messes with me" again - I'm out.

No one is "good" at dating, as my therapist and I discussed just a bit ago. It's just a crappy, weird experience, no matter if you're set up, online, random person at Whole Foods. I'm GREAT in a professional setting, I know what to do, wear and talk about. Personally? Still learning. Just gotta find another guy who gets my particular weirdness.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Just gotta find another guy who gets my particular weirdness.

I think you've just boiled down the key to life here! Whether it's friends, romantic interests, or an on-line community...we're all out there trying to find people who get our brand of weird.

 

[gryffindors]

I don't ever give details about an ex, but I do say "so, z and I were here and this is the crazy story." It has nothing to do with "z" but I can easily modify that to be "so, I was here and this is the crazy story," nbd, lesson learned

Today, the fact that its always in front of this one bartender is getting to me. He really wants to go out again though, so I'm going to see if maybe he can not do that and it'll be fine like the "ex" thing was fine when he realized it wasn't about an ex, and *I* learned how to modify my language. If he "messes with me" again - I'm out.

No one is "good" at dating, as my therapist and I discussed just a bit ago. It's just a crappy, weird experience, no matter if you're set up, online, random person at Whole Foods. I'm GREAT in a professional setting, I know what to do, wear and talk about. Personally? Still learning. Just gotta find another guy who gets my particular weirdness.

One solution would be to just not say the ex's name and say "a friend" - that is my default term when I don't want to get into nitty gritty details

But it is something that is probably worth talking to him about if he is otherwise a good match. Sometimes once these things are discussed and out in the open both parties have a better understanding of what is expected of one another. It's definitely easier to navigate this stuff when you're all on the same page

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay..... so, I am now curious.
How many dates 'in' are you with this guy?
Who has chosen to visit this particular bar?
Your suggestion or his.

Today, the fact that its always in front of this one bartender is getting to me. He really wants to go out again though, so ...

I think that these are two very important questions before I would consider another date.
I think you might need to pay attention to that intuition (your spidey senses!).

 

[amberpi]

Okay..... so, I am now curious.
How many dates 'in' are you with this guy?
Who has chosen to visit this particular bar? Your suggestion or his.

I think that these are two very important questions, before I would consider another date.

The last was the 7th date.
I'm not sure who suggested it first - I think he did and then I was like, oh I can walk there. It's in my neighborhood, but he doesn't live that far. Its like a $6 Uber between our areas of town. Its a very popular wine bar type place... Lots of singles, professional couples, great patio, but not a BARish type of bar. I really like it because even though its more of a wine bar, its also a restaurant, so no smoking

Another issue - he smokes and I only found that out a few dates ago. With what I've been through physically, he can't smoke around me; he just can't. I don't even care about smoking, but I don't want my lungs to have to deal with that. That may be selfish, but its something I'd have to deal with at some point. He is trying to quit, and I think that's genuine. But that's for much further down the road.

 

[amberpi]

If I did decide to start hanging at bar by myself, that would be the one A lot of the other nearby places allow smoking and after an hour, it kills me.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am very strongly suspecting that he is familiar with this bartender.
The possibility would be a big factor.
It would mean that he not only enjoys 'messing with people'... But that he is doing this with this bartender/friend, without being upfront about any friendly relationship with this person.

OP... date-rape drugs are still a somewhat common and very real thing.

He has also not been upfront about the smoking.

The smoking alone, for me personally, would mean that I crossed him off my list.
The lying (yes, lying by ommission) and not being upfront....
How many people do we all know that have kept saying they are going to 'try to quit' for years and decades.
For me... this would be over... like yesterday.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If I did decide to start hanging at bar by myself, that would be the one

I wonder how often you might see this guy sitting in the bar area with that bartender if you happened to start 'popping by'....

 

[amberpi]

I wonder how often you might see this guy sitting in the bar area with that bartender if you happened to start 'popping by'....

Its a place I go not infrequently, but I'm not really an evening bar person, since I took the summer to finish getting my balance back after a small contract for an ever present client, I'll sometimes wander over mid afternoon for some ipad and a glass of wine time. I've never noticed this suitor (he's a noticeable guy) but I do recognize the bartender and he is sometimes at the coffee shop I enjoy too. I bet he lives nearby as well. It could be that he there later in the evening. I've only been at night with a date or the girls.

I try to always be aware of the drug thing. Its an OLD habit from college. I never leave a unattended drink, etc.

 

[amberpi]

He has also not been upfront about the smoking.

The smoking alone, for me personally, would mean that I crossed him off my list.
The lying (yes, lying by ommission) and not being upfront....
How many people do we all know that have kept saying they are going to 'try to quit' for years and decades.
For me... this would be over... like yesterday.

Ok, we've got the 2 things that were bothering me, the smoking thing, which I didn't feel like was yet my place to discuss besides saying "I'd rather you didn't" and explaining and pointing to my trache scar when he asked if he could smoke, and one more. At this point, no matter how easy it is to talk to him, perhaps that many points of discomfort mean I should walk? I thought maybe I was being unduly hard on him, but maybe my initial feelings are right, for me, right now. He's trying to nail me down on our next date, so gotta figure out if I'm going to continue this or just cut bait. Honestly, I should just decline. That's how I've been feeling. I thought maybe it was me but all this crap combined it just too much for so early on.