Sons best friend, what to do

[Chemist]

Very different situation, but...

My youngest sister has Down's Syndrome. My family was offered respite care through the state, a few weekends a year.

My parents used it ONCE, to take us two older girls away on a Scout weekend where my younger sister just couldn't keep up.

Even though she was very young at the time, and excited about her own sitter, she knew she was being left behind and it really hurt her feelings.

 

[SG131]

Honestly I think we will have them for over a year, maybe even forever. Their parents are in a real bad place and they have volunteered giving up the boys and have no desire to make any changes.

I’m fine with taking all 3, maybe I’ll talk with our mother and she will let my sister know she is going to help (sorry I’ve cruised with my nephew lol we didn’t see him or my son much) this was my mother will actually something to help with

Your heart is definitely in the right place and hopefully your sister comes around. Though the fact that she wants to take the cruise with just her son and not this girl so that she can relax could indicate other issues so you may want to dig a little deeper with your sister about her thoughts, especially if these are kids that may stay forever.

 

[mevelandry]

My sister, her family along with our mother and my family have a Merrytime cruise planned, this will be her and her hubbys 1st cruise along with my mothers.
We live a block apart and we recently added to our families. We took in two boys and their little sister between the two of us. The boys are our kids best friends, their life has been very hard. We will have them for at least a year.

Our ship is pretty full already so here is our options
1) find respite care for all 3 kids and go without them ( non family respite care)
2) we can only add 2, so it would be only the 2 boys and the little girl can stay with her Grandma for a week

Without adding another 1 bedroom these are our only options, we can’t afford to add another 1 bedroom, there is no more concierge family suites.
We will not have to pay for the kids, the funds will be 100% covered.

My sister wants to just relax and enjoy her 1st cruise so she is struggling with the choices. I know cruises and we won’t see the kids much lol. I really want to take the boys, however feel guilty not taking their sister. BTW we booked through DCL and I haven’t called to see if there is other options.
Ages are 11, 10 and 5. What’s your opinions? And thx for your input

Argh. Tough one because the situation is delicate.

Not gonna lie, your question makes me a bit emotional because I've been in a similar situation for a little less than a year when I was young... I can easily put myself in their shoes.

It would be impossible for me not to bring the "new" kids with us if my (imaginary) kids were coming. And the 5 year old is way too old not to feel left out.

From what I understand, you had planned to sail concierge. Would it be possible NOT to sail concierge in order to include all of the kids?

I'm sure they need a little magic in their life.

p.s.: "Thank you" for what you are doing. My aunt and uncle took me with them for a while as my parents were going through an ugly divorce mixed with a very bad environment on both part and I'll always be grateful.

 

[Disneyhenry]

Take them all even if it means changing room type.

Thanks!! Working on it

 

[Disneyhenry]

I would do everything in my power to take them along or cancel/postpone the trip. By the end of the year they will feel much more a part of the family and would feel the rejection of being left out even more. I don’t know the details of their situation, but having done foster care for a few years, these children often are in the system for two years or more before situations are resolved. I know many people treat foster children as just that, temporary, and do not include them on vacations and other major family events, but I believe they should be treated as you would your other children. It sounds like that is your feeling, as well, so I would encourage you to make it happen and bring some Disney magic into the lives of these children.

I do too, love these kids as if they were my own <3

 

[Anchors Away 2016]

p.s.: "Thank you" for what you are doing. My aunt and uncle took me with them for a while as my parents were going through an ugly divorce mixed with a very bad environment on both part and I'll always be grateful.

I want to echo this in spades!

I know that people are just trying to look out for the kids and give helpful advice, but what we have to remember is that whatever OP manages to do about this cruise, they are doing an amazing thing. Something that many of us could never manage to do for three other people. If in a worst case, that meant they couldn't take them along on this already planned trip, the OP would STILL be doing an amazing thing.

I hope it works out. I know I'll be rooting for you, @Disneyhenry!

 

[OpieDoodle]

Personally, I couldn't go on such a magical vacation and leave anyone behind. I agree with others, I would upgrade your room so there is more space or I would reschedule the vacation when they're no longer with you. I have a 5 year old son and he's just old enough to understand and I would imagine his feelings would be SO HURT if he found out we went on a big vacation like that without him. Plus then you'd have to tiptoe around talking about it for months to keep her from feeling upset.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

If you leave any of them behind, it is going to feel like a bigfat slap in the face reminder that they aren't your bio kids, and will likely make them feel as though they aren't valued family members.

 

[LittleMissMagic]

Don't trust playing around on the website - call DCL and see what can be done. You never know. They might be able to "upgrade" another family to a different room and give you the family suite you need (this happened to me once on a RCCL cruise - we were 'upgraded'/relocated to a different suite to accommodate another family, with our permission).

What if you leave your sister and your mother in concierge and downgrade your family to adjoining verandah staterooms? Or, like someone else mentioned, you could book a lower category stateroom somewhere else on the ship, put an adult in that room, but everyone sleeps where they sleep. If you're worried about not all of the family having concierge perks - I have no experience with concierge on DCL, but on RCCL, we were booked in concierge and my sister (18 at the time) was not, and concierge was super welcoming and let her go to the concierge lounge and whatnot.... and in your case, the kids probably won't even be interested in concierge amenities.

 

[bcwife76]

It sounds like you're doing your best to make it work so they all can come along. Please update us when you've figured it all out. And bless you for taking these kids in, I'm sure it's not an easy road for anyone

 

[braysmommy]

I just want to say thank you for what your family is doing! My brother and sister-in-law became foster parents and a few years later so did I. We have both adopted children out of the foster care system.

 

[bumbershoot]

I know a LOT of foster families. Of adoptive grandparent families. Of incredibly complex where everyone is doing their best families.

And I'm hating, absolutely hating, some of the responses here. Parents do their best. Foster parents do their best. Possible future adoptive families do their best. Sometimes "best" isn't perfect. Sometimes "best" isn't the decision someone else would make. But it doesn't mean it's not their best.

The OP cannot make decisions for her sister. The OP can make decisions for her own family. That's all. If the sister needs to make a different decision, that is her decision to make.

And is there anything about it being an international trip that's an issue here?

I know cruises and we won’t see the kids much lol.

FWIW all kids are different. My cousin thought her kids would be in the kid's club 24/7 and they despised it. Called to get out minutes after getting there. The older one, who was 10ish at the time is autistic, and he called his parents so my son called us, and we came and watched our cousin waiting, standing there at the gate, just waiting for his parents to come (for some reason none of us thought of putting the other adults on the kid's accounts). Not all kids like it. And all kids are unpredictable.

I just want to stick my neck out there and say "let's not judge the OP too harshly." It's an amazing and probably overwhelming (for the adults as well as the kids) thing they did to take in these children and it sounds like they are trying to figure it all out with hearts definitely in the right place.

YES. yes yes yes and more yes.

Either you took them into your home, or you didn't. If your family ...which now includes them...is going on a cruise, then so should they. You can't pick and choose which parts of your family they belong to.

No.

One of my dear friends, a terrific mother and very loving person, fosters. She was able to adopt one child that was with her from his infancy; they finalized the adoption when he was about 3. He's now 9ish. She started fostering again a couple years ago. She's had two young girls, one at a time, in her home, since. With each of them she has had a long-planned trip with her son, and the young one has gone to respite care.

They get home from each trip, there's a big reunion with the little kid and dog and my friend and her son, and it's all wonderful and the world keeps turning and the other 51 weeks of the year are wonderful and splendid and she creates a home like NO ONE ELSE, and it's all good.

THIS case is complicated because there are two families fostering but the foster kids are from one bio-family. But what doesn't change is that the sister has her decisions and the OP has hers.

I don't understand the part I bolded....If you don't have to pay for the kids, why can't you upgrade?

It could be the capacity on the ship.

Though the fact that she wants to take the cruise with just her son and not this girl so that she can relax could indicate other issues so you may want to dig a little deeper with your sister about her thoughts, especially if these are kids that may stay forever.

See my friend's story above. There might be nothing there to dig in about. It's the sister's decision.

 

[aggiedog]

I would never mean that what the OP is doing by fostering isn't amazing. I know several foster families as well. And I couldn't really tell in the first post which family has which kids, maybe I'm missing something (entirely possible!) Obviously what the sister does can't really be controlled.

And I'm sure there are plenty of valid reasons from the adult's perspective that make sense to leave them at home. But I just can't find any from the kids' perspective. I'm not necessarily a parent that puts my kids desires above my decisions, but for kids that have been thru what I can only assume are difficult times, being left behind for a holidays cruise seems like that would be hard to understand.

To the OP, I hope you find a solution that works for everyone.

 

[ArtieRyder]

Can I ask how old the little girl is? If she is young enough that she wouldn't really understand, then that changes the situation.

 

[TreeFalls]

Foster parent here, slightly different perspective. I don't think it is a bad idea to put them all in respite. They know they aren't part of your family. The goal of fostering is reunification, so it is actually not bad (at this stage) for things to be different for foster kids. We do a lot of respite/short term placements in that age range, and every kid we have had has been very clear that they are not in our family. We try to treat them like our kids, but there is a difference...they often are in a different school, they have therapy/visits/social workers.

You know the kids themselves, but I think there's a good chance that "we planned this before we knew you'd be here, and we wish you could come but there's not room" will be clear to them.

Also, in our county bio parents need to approve out of state travel (assuming they still have rights), and many times they don't approve it. Is that a consideration??

 

[smmco]

No judgement from me whatever you decide. I think it's an amazing thing that you are doing. 99.99% of us are not selfless enough to undertake parenting and supporting someone else's kids. I think the kids will be fine either way. No kids life is going to be ruined by not taking a Disney cruise. They are very lucky to have you.

 

[Tallis]

No kids life is going to be ruined by not taking a Disney cruise.

Don't be so sure about that. My parents always took my daughters on cruises (and lots of other places,) when they were growing up, but never my sons. Three decades later, everyone is still emotionally scarred, including the daughters who got treated better. If these kids could potentially be lifetime family members, as mentioned, include them as such.

- From someone who knows the long term result of this sort of thing.

 

[smmco]

Don't be so sure about that. My parents always took my daughters on cruises (and lots of other places,) when they were growing up, but never my sons. Three decades later, everyone is still emotionally scarred, including the daughters who got treated better. If these kids could potentially be lifetime family members, as mentioned, include them as such.

- From someone who knows the long term result of this sort of thing.

Oh pleazzz. I'm sorry, but really emotionally scarred.

 

[MomOfDisneyPrincess]

Oh pleazzz. I'm sorry, but really emotionally scarred.

Yes. When you play favorites, you will emotionally scar children. I really don’t think the PP was being flippant or exaggerating with that comment. Not trying to start anything.

 

[Tallis]

Oh pleazzz. I'm sorry, but really emotionally scarred.

Maybe me more so than my sons. But, yeah, they literally have no feelings for their grandparents. Why would they? They go to family get events, but feel like outsiders. They don't even know their grandparents, while my daughters were doted upon, taken on vacations constantly, and showered with every gift they could ever need or want. And meanwhile, my sons got nothing. You don't think that causes emotional harm? Oh pleazzz, yourself!

I shouldn't have let any of it happen. I tried to put a stop to it all on several occasions but ended up giving in after a few months. For all they put into my girls, nobody loves my parents. You can't buy love. They think they are the perfect grandparents, and are totally in denial about what pieces of crap they are. Everyone just waiting on them to die so we can have their money. I thought they were the best parents in the world before my sons were born. Now, I won't shed a tear when they go.

Of course they have their favorites of the great grandchildren as well. It's quite hurtful. Myself, and 3 of my grown children, stay as far away from them as we can get, only seeing them on holidays or when they need something done, even though they live less than 10 miles from us.