Upset with my mom

[IRLdisneyprincess]

This is just a rant. I love my mom, but she really hurt my feelings recently and I'm not sure how to handle similar comments from other family members.

I'm 27. I have been in college for nine years. I wanted to finish long ago, but it's just been a money issue. I have always had to rely on loans, grants, scholarships, and paying out of pocket. Then I decided to switch majors a few years ago. I knew I'd have to retake some courses to satisfy the degree requirements, and that's what I've been doing. Every semester, I pay out of pocket at a community college and I also work full-time. Some semesters I haven't been able to take classes due to money. I hope to transfer into an actual local university next year to complete my Bachelors. At the moment I'm just trying to get my pre-reqs done as cheaply as possible.

Anyway, today my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her that honestly the only thing I wanted was an access code for one of my classes. She made a comment about me being a "career student". Ugh. She knows I'm sensitive about being called that. Her and other family members have made remarks like that too. "You STILL aren't done with school?" "You'll be 90 by the time you finish." "Why don't you have twenty degrees by now?". It's just SO incredibly annoying.

It's more disappointing coming from my mom because she knows that it's something that I struggle with. Yet she just makes unnecessary comments and then laughs it off. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't have to struggle so much had she and my dad saved money for me to go, but I didn't. And I know that's a horrible way to think. Going to college is a privilege, not a right but I still couldn't help but think it. I'm just trying to earn a degree so I can get a better job and live a more comfortable life. (and hopefully add in more Disney vacations!)

This is just a rant. I have no idea what to say when my family says things like this.

 

[BrinkofSunshine]

This is just a rant. I love my mom, but she really hurt my feelings recently and I'm not sure how to handle similar comments from other family members.

I'm 27. I have been in college for nine years. I wanted to finish long ago, but it's just been a money issue. I have always had to rely on loans, grants, scholarships, and paying out of pocket. Then I decided to switch majors a few years ago. I knew I'd have to retake some courses to satisfy the degree requirements, and that's what I've been doing. Every semester, I pay out of pocket at a community college and I also work full-time. Some semesters I haven't been able to take classes due to money. I hope to transfer into an actual local university next year to complete my Bachelors. At the moment I'm just trying to get my pre-reqs done as cheaply as possible.

Anyway, today my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her that honestly the only thing I wanted was an access code for one of my classes. She made a comment about me being a "career student". Ugh. She knows I'm sensitive about being called that. Her and other family members have made remarks like that too. "You STILL aren't done with school?" "You'll be 90 by the time you finish." "Why don't you have twenty degrees by now?". It's just SO incredibly annoying.

It's more disappointing coming from my mom because she knows that it's something that I struggle with. Yet she just makes unnecessary comments and then laughs it off. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't have to struggle so much had she and my dad saved money for me to go, but I didn't. And I know that's a horrible way to think. Going to college is a privilege, not a right but I still couldn't help but think it. I'm just trying to earn a degree so I can get a better job and live a more comfortable life. (and hopefully add in more Disney vacations!)

This is just a rant. I have no idea what to say when my family says things like this.

I think you either have to be upfront with your feelings or learn to live with the comments. Tell them you understand they’re joking but it hurts your feelings.

 

[IRLdisneyprincess]

I think you either have to be upfront with your feelings or learn to live with the comments. Tell them you understand they’re joking but it hurts your feelings.

I've asked them politely not to say that and I've been firm, but it still happens. I normally just avoid talking about school but when they say things like, "Are you going to work at a gas station for the rest of your life?" my normal response is "no" and then I mention, once again, that I'm still in school.

I just wish I understand why they were like this.

 

[BrinkofSunshine]

I've asked them politely not to say that and I've been firm, but it still happens. I normally just avoid talking about school but when they say things like, "Are you going to work at a gas station for the rest of your life?" my normal response is "no" and then I mention, once again, that I'm still in school.

I just wish I understand why they were like this.

I’m sorry that they’re like that. If I were you I’d just get good at clapping back. I was in college for longer than I wanted and got some of those comments too, soon enough it’ll be over.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Success is the best revenge!

If they know it bothers you, it has more power.

Try to just ignore it, and keep your eyes on the prize.

Big hugs. Hang in there and eventually you will have your degree in hand. You have stuck with it this far and for that you are to be commended.

 

[china mom]

You can't control other people, you can only control your reactions to them.

You won't get her (and other family members) to stop saying things like that - and especially not thinking that but you can control how you let it affect you.

Decide right now that her comment is not important to you and move on.

BTW, you are a rookie. I am turning 54 and have been going to school off and on. ONLY TEN CLASSES TO GO!

 

[VandVsmama]

This is just a rant. I love my mom, but she really hurt my feelings recently and I'm not sure how to handle similar comments from other family members.

I'm 27. I have been in college for nine years. I wanted to finish long ago, but it's just been a money issue. I have always had to rely on loans, grants, scholarships, and paying out of pocket. Then I decided to switch majors a few years ago. I knew I'd have to retake some courses to satisfy the degree requirements, and that's what I've been doing. Every semester, I pay out of pocket at a community college and I also work full-time. Some semesters I haven't been able to take classes due to money. I hope to transfer into an actual local university next year to complete my Bachelors. At the moment I'm just trying to get my pre-reqs done as cheaply as possible.

Anyway, today my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her that honestly the only thing I wanted was an access code for one of my classes. She made a comment about me being a "career student". Ugh. She knows I'm sensitive about being called that. Her and other family members have made remarks like that too. "You STILL aren't done with school?" "You'll be 90 by the time you finish." "Why don't you have twenty degrees by now?". It's just SO incredibly annoying.

It's more disappointing coming from my mom because she knows that it's something that I struggle with. Yet she just makes unnecessary comments and then laughs it off. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't have to struggle so much had she and my dad saved money for me to go, but I didn't. And I know that's a horrible way to think. Going to college is a privilege, not a right but I still couldn't help but think it. I'm just trying to earn a degree so I can get a better job and live a more comfortable life. (and hopefully add in more Disney vacations!)

This is just a rant. I have no idea what to say when my family says things like this.

My DH has been there, done that. Story time...

DH was in a similar situation. Parent's didn't save a dime for his college education & from when he was 18, he had to pay his own way for everything. He made some mistakes, took an entire year off of school when he was burned out & decided he didn't want to do it anymore, then got back on the college train again.

In total, it took him 10 years start to finish. He picked a pretty hard major. He flunked a few classes twice before eventually passing them...and, of course, those were classes only offered once a year, so that dragged things out, too. ALL of our extended family members (ESPECIALLY his parents) were nay-sayers. Stuff like:
- "Oh here comes the professional student."
- "Don't you feel bad that your wife has to support you?"
- "Go out and get a real job and be a man"
- "Why don't you just pick something easier? Like switch to a business major or something."
- "Hurry up and finish college so you can have kids and give me grandchildren."

He went the community college route, too. Same situation as you. Doing your pre-reqs on the cheap is very wise. Besides, when you finish the degree, it's not going to have the community college on the diploma. It'll be "University of ___" or wherever the 4-yr institution is that you'll be transferring to.

If this is something you really want to do, then DON'T GIVE UP! Just ignore them! What do you say to them? Whatever the heck you want. DH's mom was the biggest naysayer about it all because, frankly, he was doing what she had always wanted to do...finish college. She got married when she was still in college and when she got married, she dropped out and then had kids right away. She always wanted to go back, but didn't. So basically, she was jealous & she was angry at herself. Instead of handling it in a healthy way, she tried to squash DH's dreams.

Sometimes the best way to make the biggest statement is to just get up, not say a word, and walk out of the room. Try it some time. It's very effective.

I'm in my mid-40s. A high school classmate of mine is in her junior year of a 4-year bachelor's degree. She's been taking 1 class a semester for ages. She started a few years ago. She's been frustrated with how long it's taking. But she has to support herself in the meantime...working full time, paying her rent, all of that normal life stuff. You know what she'll have once she's finally done? A college education. She's about 3/4 of the way finished. If she hadn't started on this path, what would she be now? Older.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

Anyway, today my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her that honestly the only thing I wanted was an access code for one of my classes. She made a comment about me being a "career student". Ugh. She knows I'm sensitive about being called that. Her and other family members have made remarks like that too. "You STILL aren't done with school?"

"Sigh. I know. All of my friends that graduated in 4 years didn't have to struggle like me because their parents paid for their education."

That should shut her up.

I get it. Not every parent can pay for college for their child. But then you sit back and never comment on the fact that your child is struggling financially. Frankly, I think it's cruel to make such comments towards a child you didn't help send to college.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would not take those comments as a joke.
Such comments are not positive, normal, healthy.
I am seeing what is described here as a problem.
I wonder if there are other similar 'toxic' comments and actions coming from these loved ones. And, then to 'laugh it off...'

I am SO sorry that you are going thru this!!!!
I do think that you have to realize that people are who they are.
You have to see the reality, and THEN choose how you will handle that reality.

From what I know, and from personal experience...
Asking people not to 'hurt' you is an exercise in futility.
I will even bold this....

As one prev. poster mentioned... usually if they see that what they do bothers you, it only satisfies and emboldens them.

It occurs to me that you kind of walked right into this one, with your answer to your mother's question. And perhaps some unrealistic expectations that she would react with respect.

The old adage applies.
You can't change or control others actions and attitudes.
But, you must take responsibility for you own.. (how you handle it, or re-act)

Maintaining healthy boundaries with those who simply do not respect one's boundaries can be VERY difficult. But, remember, you alone decide what treatment you will accept from others.

 

[okeydokey]

I know it’s hard but you have to stay matter of fact and not engage. Tell them that the next time they bring up this subject, that the conversation is over and you will not discuss it.

If it happens on the phone, say, I am going to hang up now, goodbye” then do, every time. The same phrase every time. Same action.

If it is in person, you stand up, say “I am going now”. And walk out of the room, same phrase every time. The trick is to do it with no emotion, and consistently. They will learn that if they want to converse with you, the school topic is off the table.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I think the post just above shows some examples of how to NOT-engage and remove or deflect.
It can be very hard!!!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't have to struggle so much had she and my dad saved money for me to go, but I didn't.

No I wouldn't say anything like that.

Your parents don't 'owe' you college and you even said it yourself that college was a privilage.

Many many individuals go to college and earn degrees and without parental assistance.

I've asked them politely not to say that and I've been firm, but it still happens. I normally just avoid talking about school but when they say things like, "Are you going to work at a gas station for the rest of your life?" my normal response is "no" and then I mention, once again, that I'm still in school.

I just wish I understand why they were like this.

Now onto your mom's comments. I completely understand being hurt by them. It's not polite at all to make comments like she has nor for anyone else to do so. It's rude and more disrespectful when someone has already said they don't like those comments plus adding in things like where you work (or could work don't know for sure if you're working at a gas station or not by your comment) and that you should have X number of degrees by now.

I would say maybe now you might need to just be more firm. Even something like "Mom it really hurts me when you said offhanded comments like this. I may be doing college at a slower pace but I'm trying to do it without taking on debt while working full time to do so. I realize that changing my majors extended my time but I'm willing to put in the hard work to make X degree and to further my career. I would appreciate it if you would't say any more comments regarding my time as a college student." Just thinking out loud of ways to say it.

For a while I joked off the "when are you going to have kids" questions/comments I would get from my mom, my father-in-law, my step-father-in-law and random people. Eventually I decided enough was enough and I had a firm but respectful way of saying "stop asking me that" Sometimes people don't truly know how hurtful things can be until you let them really see how it impacts you.

 

[ramee]

There has been some good insight from PPs. You could try to approach the comments as if they don’t affect you. Live your life. You know what’s best for you. They’ll lose interest in trying to break you down if they see you’re in control.

You could engage and turn the tables. Act like you would be sincerely grateful for their involvement. Ask them “Oh. What do you think I should be doing with my time? Can you write me a step by step guide on how to live my life? Can you turn it in at the end of the week, please? That would be so helpful!”

“I don’t know why I didn’t think to ask your opinion sooner. I could have saved 9 years of my life! Gosh, I could be a big company CEO by now. Life is just the craziest. What would I do without you? You’ve been such a pillar of encouragement this far. Let’s work on my 5 year plan on Tuesday. You free at 4pm? I’ll bring the cake. You make the coffee”

“Oh. You don’t have time to live my life for me? Oh ok. Thanks anyway. You enjoy your life, though! I’ll just get back to it then.”

Lol. Sorry. Just thinking of a more light hearted approach to help you let things roll off your back. I don’t know if that would work with your dynamics. It is what it is. Like people have said, it’s all in how you react. You can’t change them.

Be proud of yourself. Keep it up!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Once you have been around for as long as some us here, and are older than dirt, you realize that there are ALWAYS going to be those people like this. Why be 'hurt' by them??? Why give them that power to affect you.

I would never, in a million years, tell somebody how 'hurt' they made me feel.
Disrespectful, Rude, Judgmental, and inappropriate are some of the words that I would use to describe their actions.
The word 'hurt' wouldn't be the way I would go.

While it is extremely unfortunate that this is your family, it doesn't really change the situation...
The advice and the desired end result is still the same.
Be confident, Be strong, Be committed, Live your own life... And don't let the words of others have that kind of negative affect on you.

You know what they say about the turtles in a bucket...
The minute one makes it almost to the top, the others pull it right back down.

 

[Shanna-like-Banana]

ouch ! wow, that is hurtful. Here you are, just trying to better yourself, and you've got Negative Nancy bugging you.

Some of those codes are expensive, tell her you thought about it, and you'd really like an Amazon gift card, and then buy the code from Amazon yourself

I'm sorry you're going through this, what is it about family that thinks they can just blurt any old thing out that they want to say, with no consequence ?

 

[fauna74]

How about just replying to these comments with “yes, I’m very proud of myself for persevering- even with all the naysayers and roadblocks Ive encountered!” Or “my education is very important to me, I’m determined to get my degree!”
And you SHOULD be proud of yourself!

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Out of curiosity, did your mom go to college? Sometimes a parent just can't be happy for their children doing better than they did, and it comes out in critical and rude remarks.

 

[TheConsciousness]

Being 28, I just graduated a few years ago after completing much more schooling than usual. Switch majors, switched schools, went part time, was on probation - the whole nine yards.

It took me this long to realize that most people who don't go to college are both: (a) usually VERY jealous, people will beat themselves up the entire rest of their lives because they didn't attend college and (b) have no idea the amount of time and dedication it takes to complete these classes. Think about it, after high school, people have their whole lives ahead of them to go to work, come home and watch TV, go to sleep, and then repeat. There is nothing strenuous about their lives, so they have no clue what you're going through.

Keep chugging along. You'll wind up with a great job doing what you love, basking in the good life.

 

[cinnaminny]

Sometimes it is about people not knowing what you're going through. Sometimes its because mothers can actually be the worst. Some mothers can be rather toxic, maybe not enough to cut them out, but enough that you know you have to keep your emotional distance. The rest of your family, I would chalk it up to them being clueless, but your mother *knows* that this bothers you, yet chose to say it anyway. yikes.

 

[LSUmiss]

This is just a rant. I love my mom, but she really hurt my feelings recently and I'm not sure how to handle similar comments from other family members.

I'm 27. I have been in college for nine years. I wanted to finish long ago, but it's just been a money issue. I have always had to rely on loans, grants, scholarships, and paying out of pocket. Then I decided to switch majors a few years ago. I knew I'd have to retake some courses to satisfy the degree requirements, and that's what I've been doing. Every semester, I pay out of pocket at a community college and I also work full-time. Some semesters I haven't been able to take classes due to money. I hope to transfer into an actual local university next year to complete my Bachelors. At the moment I'm just trying to get my pre-reqs done as cheaply as possible.

Anyway, today my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her that honestly the only thing I wanted was an access code for one of my classes. She made a comment about me being a "career student". Ugh. She knows I'm sensitive about being called that. Her and other family members have made remarks like that too. "You STILL aren't done with school?" "You'll be 90 by the time you finish." "Why don't you have twenty degrees by now?". It's just SO incredibly annoying.

It's more disappointing coming from my mom because she knows that it's something that I struggle with. Yet she just makes unnecessary comments and then laughs it off. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't have to struggle so much had she and my dad saved money for me to go, but I didn't. And I know that's a horrible way to think. Going to college is a privilege, not a right but I still couldn't help but think it. I'm just trying to earn a degree so I can get a better job and live a more comfortable life. (and hopefully add in more Disney vacations!)

This is just a rant. I have no idea what to say when my family says things like this.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying that sometimes college takes longer when you have to pay for it yourself. I paid for mine myself & it did take me longer. I was glad to point that out to anyone who made comments. Thankfully it was never my parents but others who had the luxury of their parents having paid their way. It quickly shut them up. I also have an advanced degree now & most of them don’t.