Upset with my mom

[Dan Murphy]

I'm sorry to hear those hurtful things said by you mom and others, IRL. 's Some people's mouths are quicker than their brains. I think some good responses already said. Keep your spirits up, IRL, stay the course and finish in your time that works for you. It will be worth it.

 

[Floridaman999]

Out of curiosity, did your mom go to college? Sometimes a parent just can't be happy for their children doing better than they did, and it comes out in critical and rude remarks.

Dang, I thought it was every parents dream to see their children do better than they did. I can't believe there are people out there who would degrade their own children's success. People sure can be strange.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Dang, I thought it was every parents dream to see their children do better than they did. I can't believe there are people out there who would degrade their own children's success. People sure can be strange.

These type of parents are typically miserable or mentally unhealthy. They can't be happy for anyone because they aren't happy with themselves. Rather than to examine the cause of their poor outlook, they try to drag everyone else down. Misery loves company.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

"I could have finished earlier and had a lifetime of student loan debt. I choose this path and I fully intend to see this through earn my XX degree I certainly hope you will be PROUD of me, when I do"

Best to you! No one can take your education away from you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

THEM: "Hey... are going to just work at a gas station (wherever) for the rest of your life?????
YOU: with a big bright smile on your face... "maybe so!!!!!" Exit room/discussion....

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, I think you are looking at this from a child-adult perspective, and overestimating and putting too much weight on your mother here.
She is just another person... Really... Her issues are there, just like everyone else's!!!

I too had wanted to post the thing about whether your mother went to and completed college before.
I didn't take the time and failed to make that comment. Bit I think it is VERY valid.
I am guessing that either 1. Her parent(s) made no effort to encourage her or help her to pay for college... so she didn't go.
OR, 2. They did, but she made the wrong decision and did not go, or complete her college degree.

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that the above is true, and she also feels very conflicted about her own college, and her inability to help her own children with college. And, maybe this is showing BIG TIME, in a very negative/toxic way.

As mentioned before, when you have been around this long, sometimes you gain some bigger understandings... And you learn that these kinds of issues are bigger and more common that you might think.

Those would be THEIR issues... not yours....
I think that a huge take-away here is to to be able to realize that other people and their issues are what they are... And to not let them have a negative affect on YOU!!!!

 

[Hikergirl]

Being 28, I just graduated a few years ago after completing much more schooling than usual. Switch majors, switched schools, went part time, was on probation - the whole nine yards.

It took me this long to realize that most people who don't go to college are both: (a) usually VERY jealous, people will beat themselves up the entire rest of their lives because they didn't attend college and (b) have no idea the amount of time and dedication it takes to complete these classes. Think about it, after high school, people have their whole lives ahead of them to go to work, come home and watch TV, go to sleep, and then repeat. There is nothing strenuous about their lives, so they have no clue what you're going through.

Keep chugging along. You'll wind up with a great job doing what you love, basking in the good life.

Please don't lump most people who don't go to college in to your world vision of how they feel or how strenuous their life is compared to a student's, that is a pretty narrow view.
I know quite a few people who didn't go or finish college, me being one of them, who would never treat the OP the way her mom and family members do. In fact the biggest supporters of their loved ones who are in college are those same people.
Some people are just miserable and feel the need to bring other people down.

OP, I'm sorry that your mom of all people is treating you that way.
The only advice I have is to just ignore the negativity as best you can and continue to pursue your goals. Be proud of yourself and what you are accomplishing, don't let anyone bring you down.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Being 28, I just graduated a few years ago after completing much more schooling than usual. Switch majors, switched schools, went part time, was on probation - the whole nine yards.

It took me this long to realize that most people who don't go to college are both: (a) usually VERY jealous, people will beat themselves up the entire rest of their lives because they didn't attend college and (b) have no idea the amount of time and dedication it takes to complete these classes. Think about it, after high school, people have their whole lives ahead of them to go to work, come home and watch TV, go to sleep, and then repeat. There is nothing strenuous about their lives, so they have no clue what you're going through.

Keep chugging along. You'll wind up with a great job doing what you love, basking in the good life.

Not all people who don't go to college feel that way, not by a long stretch. But there are some people who are like that.

Conversely there are some people who actually did go to college but for what they consider a more prestigious degree. Honestly, those are the type of people I've seen more out and about. The ones who look down on people who got a college degree in X and that person doesn't feel that's a worthy enough degree.

You sound quite a bit jaded towards people who didn't go to college.

 

[Wishing on a star]

MANY people spend $$$$$$$ going to college, and end up with a degree that they never really use.....
College debt could be one of the next big implosions.
College is not for everybody.
College is not 'mandatory'.
It is not 'better', or 'right', or 'wrong'.
I support the OP's decision, and will make no blanket judgements either way.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

I don't think calling someone a "career student" is a dig or negative. I'd say it's accurate if you are 9 years into completing pre-reqs at a community college as a precursor to enrolling at a university for a Bachelor's.

Perhaps ask her not to discuss school AT ALL with you if it is a touchy subject?

 

[Marchand63]

I've asked them politely not to say that and I've been firm, but it still happens. I normally just avoid talking about school but when they say things like, "Are you going to work at a gas station for the rest of your life?" my normal response is "no" and then I mention, once again, that I'm still in school.

I just wish I understand why they were like this.

My response would be - Are you gonna be an @@@@@@@ all your life? Exit stage right.
Don't engage, if they already know they are hurtful then they are just either ignorant or clueless.

You will never understand why they are like that. Just spend as little time as posiible with them. Keep plugging on & when you get there look back and wave at the idiots.

I cannot even fathom a mother like that. I am so sorry you have to hear that from her.

 

[SharonZ]

I would tell them yes, it is taking longer, but you will graduate essentially debt-free!

 

[disykat]

I'm going to go a different direction here and I could be totally of base, so ignore me if I'm wrong.

I agree mom is being rude and annoying, but I'd encourage you to think about your own feelings too. Sometimes the reason nasty criticism is hard to ignore is because to a certain extent we agree with it.

There is nothing wrong with taking a long time to finish school. You can be really proud of being self supporting while doing so. However, it becomes really problematic if you are postponing your life to do so. It could also be problematic if you are unable to support yourself independently while doing so. Are you happy with your current job? Does it pay for your life? If so, Yay! If not, try to find somewhere else to work while you finish your degree. Work, have friends, take classes, but don't let being a student swallow you whole. You get past a certain number of years and that momentum is hard to sustain. It sounds like you have a few years to go, so find a balance you can live with. Don't try to live like a full time student, embrace being a non-traditional student. My mom was a non-traditional student that took ten years to earn a second bachelor's degree. (She had a BS in chemistry and got a BA in music) She loved it, but it was just a small part of who she was. She worked, she parented, plus she was a student. She started when I started junior high and graduated when I was two years into college.

I know three young people in real life right now who for one reason or another weren't able to finish college as a traditional student. They are all learning to make their way transitioning into finding a way to continue yet start to live their lives - more of an adult worker first and non-traditional student second. School is becoming secondary and having an adult self-supporting lifestyle away from the influence of parents is now coming first. In all cases, there are disappointed parents who wish it had been easier for them learning how to stay out of it as well - learning how to mind their own business and let their now adult children make their own way.

Your mom needs to stay out of it. You also need to stop blaming your mom for not giving you college on a platter. Establishing a happy life independent of your parents and their opinions is first priority. If your parents see you as happy, it will be easier for them to stay out of it. I think making the transition from identifying as a student to an adult who happens to be finishing a degree will help.

 

[focusondisney]

I don't think calling someone a "career student" is a dig or negative. I'd say it's accurate if you are 9 years into completing pre-reqs at a community college as a precursor to enrolling at a university for a Bachelor's.

Perhaps ask her not to discuss school AT ALL with you if it is a touchy subject?

Right. 9 years of prereqs at community college, another how many at university? That will probably be 15 - 20 years of schooling which is essentially a career.

Nothing wrong with trying to better yourself OP. But you lost me with the comment about your parents saving up money to pay for your college. Not every parent can afford to do that. You don’t want them judging you, but you seem to be fine judging them for their financial choices or abilities.

Go to school, work to further your education. But leave your family out of it. Pay your own way as you have been doing. Don’t discuss your classes or financial burdens. They can’t make comments about your business if they don’t know it.

 

[mousefan73]

These type of parents are typically miserable or mentally unhealthy. They can't be happy for anyone because they aren't happy with themselves. Rather than to examine the cause of their poor outlook, they try to drag everyone else down. Misery loves company.

Aint that the truth!! Met too many of those types in my life!

 

[paisleys]

Curious as to how many of the people who are making rude comments have degrees themselves? Probably not many!
I didn't get by BA until I was 37! It always seemed insurmountable. I took classes here and there but was always working two jobs, so sometimes just too burned out. One day I just took really got serious and started chipping away and when I saw the light at the end of the tunnel I really started pushing and it went quickly. Do you have a tuition reimbursement program at work? That is how I eventually graduated. My brother is in his 50's and going for his degree now. He sounded down on himself when I asked about it the other day and I told him to just keep going--one day you will get there and it will all be worth it. I still can't believe I graduated! I'm grateful. Oh and I was first in my family to graduate but no one said a word when I did. I don't think some people understand what an accomplishment it is, especially against seemingly insurmountable odds. Keep going and you'll get there.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Do not be surprised that it is more common than one might think for parents to not really, in some way, not want their kids to end up doing better than they did. There can be many reasons for that! It is a a very true issue and phenomenon.
This just happens to come to mind... There are many parents who are deaf, who will not even consider that their new child who is also born deaf should have cochlear implants.

This doesn't just apply to parents. In fields of work where one has to 'pay their dues'... and sometimes have done what is now considered what would not be reasonable or 'healthy'... There is often the mindset from the Supervisors and others at the highest levels that, 'We paid our dues, and all those under us should be expected to do the same'.

If it is good enough for me, it should be good enough for you... That is the underlying mindset.

And, how about the old "I walked 5 miles to school every day, thru the snow, with no shoes....."

Also, to change topic... The OP is not thinking of themselves as a 'student', and is not willing to accept the career student comments.
They state that they work full time.

I will agree that, at some point, a decision has to be made.
Priorities and extra efforts and thinking out of the box might be necessary.
I do see it as a possible issue that, even with the OP's situation, that at least the pre-req's at Community College have not been completed.
Even though I know that there seem to be MANY reasons for this... At some point a good hard look is necessary. Which 'reasons' could possibly really be 'excuses'. What personal decisions have been made that in some way been counter to the OP's final objectives.

I do not know what type of full time job the OP has. Gas Station had been thrown out there. But, I don't want to assume that this was not just their way of coming up with 'something' to throw out here on a public chat board.

I also do not know what degree or field of work that the OP wants to go into... But I would just advise that there are things that can be happening to further their objectives. Could the OP find a job that, while in an entry level, or support position, would be related to the position and field of work that they hope to go into in the future. Networking and developing the Resume can mean a LOT. In other words, it would more beneficial to be, for example, a clerk, an assistant, or whatever, related to that field of work, than a waitress or a gas station cashier.

Anyhow, no matter what... The OP's families comments are negative and not helpful in any way. They are like sabotage... And, I think many people here have given good advice on how to deal with that!!!!

 

[disykat]

Also, to change topic... The OP is not thinking of themselves as a 'student', and is not willing to accept the career student comments.
They state that they work full time.

Yes, OP stated she works full time. She has not yet stated whether adult independent living has been accomplished yet. It sounded to me like OP is still very much in student mode with that being her priority, but of course bristles at the implication that she'll never move beyond that. Who wouldn't?

 

[Sabeking]

Being 28, I just graduated a few years ago after completing much more schooling than usual. Switch majors, switched schools, went part time, was on probation - the whole nine yards.

It took me this long to realize that most people who don't go to college are both: (a) usually VERY jealous, people will beat themselves up the entire rest of their lives because they didn't attend college and (b) have no idea the amount of time and dedication it takes to complete these classes. Think about it, after high school, people have their whole lives ahead of them to go to work, come home and watch TV, go to sleep, and then repeat. There is nothing strenuous about their lives, so they have no clue what you're going through.

Keep chugging along. You'll wind up with a great job doing what you love, basking in the good life.

I went to college for 6 years. My husband went one day and quit because he didn’t like the parking. He started his own company and sold it to a huge conglomerate. He is not jealous of anyone and worked extremely hard to accomplish what he did. The above statement makes me shake my head.

To OP keep up the good work!!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I don't think calling someone a "career student" is a dig or negative. I'd say it's accurate if you are 9 years into completing pre-reqs at a community college as a precursor to enrolling at a university for a Bachelor's.

Perhaps ask her not to discuss school AT ALL with you if it is a touchy subject?

If OP wasn't working full time, I might agree with you. But seeing as she is working full time and doing school as best she can in addition to working, then I don't think it's accurate to say she's a career student. I've known people who were in school for years and years but never worked. I think of them more as career students. But if you're trying to get a degree or degrees, it's necessary to go to school and plug away at it; there's no way around that.

This is just a rant. I love my mom, but she really hurt my feelings recently and I'm not sure how to handle similar comments from other family members.

I'm 27. I have been in college for nine years. I wanted to finish long ago, but it's just been a money issue. I have always had to rely on loans, grants, scholarships, and paying out of pocket. Then I decided to switch majors a few years ago. I knew I'd have to retake some courses to satisfy the degree requirements, and that's what I've been doing. Every semester, I pay out of pocket at a community college and I also work full-time. Some semesters I haven't been able to take classes due to money. I hope to transfer into an actual local university next year to complete my Bachelors. At the moment I'm just trying to get my pre-reqs done as cheaply as possible.

Anyway, today my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her that honestly the only thing I wanted was an access code for one of my classes. She made a comment about me being a "career student". Ugh. She knows I'm sensitive about being called that. Her and other family members have made remarks like that too. "You STILL aren't done with school?" "You'll be 90 by the time you finish." "Why don't you have twenty degrees by now?". It's just SO incredibly annoying.

It's more disappointing coming from my mom because she knows that it's something that I struggle with. Yet she just makes unnecessary comments and then laughs it off. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't have to struggle so much had she and my dad saved money for me to go, but I didn't. And I know that's a horrible way to think. Going to college is a privilege, not a right but I still couldn't help but think it. I'm just trying to earn a degree so I can get a better job and live a more comfortable life. (and hopefully add in more Disney vacations!)

This is just a rant. I have no idea what to say when my family says things like this.