VOICE ON BIN LADEN TAPE BELIEVED TO BE RENEE ZELLWEGER
Yet Another Sign of Actress Versatility, Experts Say
The voice on a tape broadcast yesterday by the Al Jazeera network, originally thought to be that of Osama bin Laden, is actually Oscar-nominated actress Renee Zellweger, U.S. government experts said today.
After listening to the tape over and over again, we concluded that something sounded a little off, said government voice expert Douglas Crittenden at a press briefing today. And then, we were like, isnt that the chick from Chicago?
While experts were divided as to Ms. Zellwegers possible motives for recording the chilling tape, some Hollywood insiders speculated that she might have done it as part of a campaign to sew up an Academy Award nomination by further demonstrating her versatility as an actress to Academy voters.
A lot of people didnt think Renee could sing or dance, and she proved them wrong in Chicago, said Buddy Schlantz, a longtime Hollywood talent agent. Now shes shown that she can do a dead-on bin Laden. Id like to see Julianne Moore or Meryl Streep pull that one off.
Ms. Zellwegers performance on the Al Jazeera tape may have had at least one unintended consequence, however, as France, Germany, and Belgium returned to the NATO fold today.
The three renegade nations rejoined the alliance, in the words of French President Jacques Chirac, to stop Renee Zellweger.
There are many in the international community who have been deceiving themselves into thinking that Renee Zellweger could be contained, President Chirac said. This videotape, plus the movie Chicago, proves that she cannot.
***Borowitz Reports****
Yet Another Sign of Actress Versatility, Experts Say
The voice on a tape broadcast yesterday by the Al Jazeera network, originally thought to be that of Osama bin Laden, is actually Oscar-nominated actress Renee Zellweger, U.S. government experts said today.
After listening to the tape over and over again, we concluded that something sounded a little off, said government voice expert Douglas Crittenden at a press briefing today. And then, we were like, isnt that the chick from Chicago?
While experts were divided as to Ms. Zellwegers possible motives for recording the chilling tape, some Hollywood insiders speculated that she might have done it as part of a campaign to sew up an Academy Award nomination by further demonstrating her versatility as an actress to Academy voters.
A lot of people didnt think Renee could sing or dance, and she proved them wrong in Chicago, said Buddy Schlantz, a longtime Hollywood talent agent. Now shes shown that she can do a dead-on bin Laden. Id like to see Julianne Moore or Meryl Streep pull that one off.
Ms. Zellwegers performance on the Al Jazeera tape may have had at least one unintended consequence, however, as France, Germany, and Belgium returned to the NATO fold today.
The three renegade nations rejoined the alliance, in the words of French President Jacques Chirac, to stop Renee Zellweger.
There are many in the international community who have been deceiving themselves into thinking that Renee Zellweger could be contained, President Chirac said. This videotape, plus the movie Chicago, proves that she cannot.
***Borowitz Reports****
