WWYD: elementary school harassment/assault

[serenitynow]

I certainly don't think the OP should ignore this incident, but I really think the bolded is a bit over the top. If a 5 year old flashed my kid (in public at the lunch table) I would not put myself in the category of being a "parent of a (sexual) assault survivor".

There really is no proper language for “the parent of a 5 year old who has been exposed to the sexually inappropriate (and criminal) behavior of having a boy expose his genitals to her at school”

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I agree, this is a six year old boy acting inappropriately

I wouldn't use the world "inappropriate" for sexual assault. But you are both right about my use of the word "monster". In all likelihood he is being abused, or has some kind of mental condition.

 

[mjkacmom]

I wouldn't use the world "inappropriate" for sexual assault. But you are both right about my use of the word "monster". In all likelihood he is being abused, or has some kind of mental condition.

I actually don’t consider a six year old pulling down his pants sexual assault like I would a sixteen year old. Was is deemed inappropriate vs. criminal is also based on age. This is from an article written for parents to watch out for sexual abuse.
chool-Age Children (6 to 12 years)
May include both pre-pubescent children and children who have already entered puberty, when hormonal changes are likely to trigger an increase in sexual awareness and interest.
pre-pubeSCent ChIlDren:
Common: Questions about relationships and sexual behavior, menstruation
and pregnancy. Experimentation with same-age children, often during games, kissing, touching, exhibitionism and role-playing. Private self stimulation.
uncommon: Adult-like sexual interactions, discussing specific sexual acts or public self stimulation.
After puberty begInS:
Common: Increased curiosity about sexual materials and information, questions about relationships and sexual behavior, using sexual words and discussing sexual acts, particularly with peers. Increased experimenting including open-mouthed kissing, body- rubbing, fondling. Masturbating in private.
uncommon: Consistent adult-like sexual behavior, including oral/genital contact and intercourse. Masturbating in public.
Adolescence (13 to 16)
Common: Questions about decision making, social relationships, and sexual customs. ************ in private. Experimenting between adolescents of the same age, including open-mouthed kissing, fondling and body rubbing, oral/genital contact. Also, voyeuristic behaviors are common. Intercourse occurs in approximately on third of this age group.
uncommon: Masturbating in public and sexual interest directed toward much younger children.

 

[KennesawNemo]

Thank you for everyone's reply. Here are couple things without multi quoting everyone. I will be writing an email to the school right after submitting this:

1. I don't categorize my daughter as "sexual assault victim" for being flashed at during lunch. That was the 1st incident. I actually didn't even categorize it as harassment last week. Kids make mistakes. We deal with that and we move on. But trust me, what she witnessed for the 2nd incident definitely is sexual assault. I almost used the term of "attempted rape" but I toned it down. If you have a daughter, you wouldn't want her to witness that, not to say being a victim of it. (ETA: this applies to all child, not just girls. no six year old should witness that or be victim of it.) It's way worse than the "uncommon" behavior given by a post above for any age group.

2. I don't know if the boy has been assaulted/bullied at school or home. I don't intend to find out either because I am sure no one would tell me anything if I do.

3. In both cases, I asked the school and/or DD if she or anyone else did something wrong to provoke the boy's behavior, the answer was no.

4. I do want to keep DD away from the boy if possible. But here is the thing: we love her teacher. I don't think moving DD to a different classroom is fair to us and gives the wrong message. She did nothing wrong. On the other hand, I am not sure if moving the boy is even an option. If it's an option, is it reasonable for me to propose that? Also, would that help? They still share the same lunchroom, play ground, etc. I am not proposing that yet in today's email and need to think it through.

5. I am not calling CPS or Policy yet. I do keep both options open. I want to communicate with the school first and have a better understanding of what has been done to keep my daughter safe.

That's it for now. Off to write my email. Thank you again for all the inputs. You all definitely helped me.

 

[VandVsmama]

Based on your description of what's going on, my bet is on the boy is being abused at home. Or he's being abused by someone else who's close to him who has access to him on a regular basis. The occasional flashing is not outside the realm of normal curiosity at that age. However, the other incident sounds like it's definitely a serious concern. Time to probably have an in person meeting with the teacher and the principal so they know that you're aware of what's going on, that you're monitoring what's going on (well, at least based on what your DD tells you), and that you expect something to be done about this to protect your kid from the other kid.

 

[verleniahall]

Why do you think this boy is being assaulted at school school. The school year just started, if his behavior is due to assault, it most likely happens out of sight, and school children are rarely out of sight.

I meant at home - I was typing ahead of my brain thinking

 

[tzolkin]

4. I do want to keep DD away from the boy if possible. But here is the thing: we love her teacher. I don't think moving DD to a different classroom is fair to us and gives the wrong message. She did nothing wrong. On the other hand, I am not sure if moving the boy is even an option. If it's an option, is it reasonable for me to propose that? Also, would that help? They still share the same lunchroom, play ground, etc. I am not proposing that yet in today's email and need to think it through.

5. I am not calling CPS or Policy yet. I do keep both options open. I want to communicate with the school first and have a better understanding of what has been done to keep my daughter safe.

I definitely think with more than one sexual incident in a matter of a few days plus the other behavior issues you mentioned that the school should already be contacting CPS or whatever else is in your area to investigate if there are issues of abuse at home. These are common things that you look for when a child is exhibiting sexual behavior. The teacher and administrators should report this as suspected abuse.

I also don't think it's fair or necessary to move your daughter to a different class. But, I do think in response to the repeated issues that the appropriate response on the school's part would be to monitor this particular child more closely and ensure that he is never left alone with other kids.

These are both basic safety responses that I think the school should have already initiated, but it's definitely worth having a conversation with the principal/counselor/teacher to make sure that they have been.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I actually don’t consider a six year old pulling down his pants sexual assault

I'm referring to the other incident which was not detailed.

 

[DopeyDame]

Whenever you're dealing with the school, you have to focus on your daughter rather than the other student. "What can be done to keep my child safe?" not "how is the other boy going to be dealt with?"

It's hard to know how I would proceed without knowing what the other incident was, but in general I am very wary of getting police involved in incidents with very young children. As several PPs have said, this could absolutely be a sign that the boy is being abused, so hopefully the school is progressing appropriately. And, depending on the incident, it may not be inappropriate for you to initiate a call to CPS just to be sure it happens.

 

[cabanafrau]

It sounds as if the school either does not have an established procedure to deal with the situation (unlikely), or is not implementing it (unconscionable on several levels, and most likely due to the ages involved). If your understanding of the incident is at all close to the actual events it is simply not okay for the perpetrator to remain in class. It's not fair to anyone, including himself. School administration needs to be explaining precisely what the policies and procedures are for dealing with this type of matter. They don't have to explain precisely what they're doing regarding Student X, nor should they. However, they do need to be explaining how these types of situations are handled.

Hopefully one of the key components will involve seeing to it that psychological professionals are part of the situation, both for treatment and for evaluation purposes. It seems as if what's gone on so far is still minor as relates to impact on victim(s), which can be confirmed through evaluation. Evaluation and treatment will likely be invaluable in regards to the perpetrator. Being removed from class and/or school might seem harsh now, but will no doubt be a small price comparatively. Evaluation can hopefully uncover what risk he presents to his peers, as well as what risks he may be vulnerable to. Exposing those and putting treatment in place will likely change his life for the better.

 

[holden]

Report the incident to the police.

I was going to say the same thing.

 

[eeyoreandtink]

A six year old pulling down his pants is not sexual assault, legally or according to DSM or any other psychological manuals. At 6, kids are naturally curious about their bodies and the bodies of others. They are reaching the end of the stage where this is somewhat normal behavior, and not indicative in and of itself. That incident alone isn't cause for grave concern and was dealt with appropriately by school staff. They did the right thing with counseling of the girls, and he absolutely needed to be counseled that his behavior was inappropriate and violated the boundaries of others, but I don't think it means hes a "monster".

Without knowing the details of the other incident, it is impossible to say how much of a cause for concern it is. As seen here, some people's definitions of what constitutes sexual assault are very different from others. Technically, grabbing a girl's butt is sexual assault and definitely warrants action, but that is very different from some of the other, darker things that we could be talking about as far as impact on the victim and steps that need to be taken there. Don't get me wrong. All of it should be taken very seriously but it covers a LOT of ground and could mean very different things about the safety of the OP's child and others. It's difficult to give advice without knowing the scope of the situation.

 

[cabanafrau]

A six year old pulling down his pants is not sexual assault, legally or according to DSM or any other psychological manuals. At 6, kids are naturally curious about their bodies and the bodies of others. They are reaching the end of the stage where this is somewhat normal behavior, and not indicative in and of itself. That incident alone isn't cause for grave concern and was dealt with appropriately by school staff. They did the right thing with counseling of the girls, and he absolutely needed to be counseled that his behavior was inappropriate and violated the boundaries of others, but I don't think it means hes a "monster".

Without knowing the details of the other incident, it is impossible to say how much of a cause for concern it is. As seen here, some people's definitions of what constitutes sexual assault are very different from others. Technically, grabbing a girl's butt is sexual assault and definitely warrants action, but that is very different from some of the other, darker things that we could be talking about as far as impact on the victim and steps that need to be taken there. Don't get me wrong. All of it should be taken very seriously but it covers a LOT of ground and could mean very different things about the safety of the OP's child and others. It's difficult to give advice without knowing the scope of the situation.

The person in this discussion who most closely knows the situation described the flashing incident as "harassment", not sexual assault. The confusion happened with others reading the thread. It doesn't seem OP would be overly concerned if it had been just a situation of exposure among six year olds.

Considering OP's very measured response to the first situation I'm prepared to accept from their reaction that the second situation raises cause for concern. No matter what the concern is it's not a bad idea for a parent to understand how the school is prepared to handle a situation. It's also not a bad idea for administration to understand that a parent is inquiring about the policies and procedures just in case there's been a lack of follow through going on for whatever reason.

I would not be approaching the police or Children's Protective Services at this point.

 

[Kellydelly]

I have an acquaintance who has children that are in 3rd and 6th grade this year. She has told me a year or so ago that her son had a porn problem. Yes, at that ripe age (around 10). Now, like a year later she told me she caught her daughter on her smartphone looking at porn (around age 8), after her first day of school. It is crazy what kids are exposed to today. I don't think the little boy in your daughter's class is being assaulted at school, but I bet he's being exposed to inappropriate things or possibly being molested somewhere else. If I were you I would visit the principal and let your concerns be known. Keep your daughter away from him. If there is another class, move her. Kids are growing up way to fast these days, don't let this boy take away her innocence. I get curiosity, but this is awful. You have the right to protect her as much as you can. The school should cooperate.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Report to the police and CPS.
While it is important that the school did suspend the boy, I would not assume that the school, whose staff should be mandatory reporters, has done this.
Report only what your child has experienced and witnessed.
I hear you saying that you want to defer and give this other parent some space. But if this happened in a somewhat public situation and your daughter not only witnessed it but also was involved in reporting the incident, that is already water under the bridge.
As far as how to approach the school, just be very simple and forthright. “My daughter has now been subject to two serious incidents involving this one other child. I request and hope to expect that she will be personally separated and protected from any further such possible incidents “
The second time was enough. The phrase “three strikes your out” comes to mind.
I know this must be very stressful and upsetting!!!! Hope this helps.

 

[2China2009]

I am shocked at the responses. I would immediately have my daughter moved to another class. Sexual assault is a crime and the police need to be called. The schools do nothing to remove this kid and assault has already happened it will continue to happen. This is going to get much worse. As a mom of 2 daughters this is my worst fear. Something far worse is going to happen behind the eyes of a teacher. On the play ground, in the bathroom and that child is forever changed.

 

[HappyDznyCamper]

Whenever you're dealing with the school, you have to focus on your daughter rather than the other student. "What can be done to keep my child safe?" not "how is the other boy going to be dealt with?"

It's hard to know how I would proceed without knowing what the other incident was, but in general I am very wary of getting police involved in incidents with very young children. As several PPs have said, this could absolutely be a sign that the boy is being abused, so hopefully the school is progressing appropriately. And, depending on the incident, it may not be inappropriate for you to initiate a call to CPS just to be sure it happens.

Depending on your state laws(in TN EVERYONE is a mandatory reporter). You may be legally required/expected to report suspicions of abuse and his behavior is suspicious of abuse. I would find out what the process is to make a report and then simply report what you know. You may be able to do so without giving your name and you very well could help save this child.

 

[DisneyHardin]

As someone who works in a school, I would say that most likely the school has already reported their concerns to CPS since schools are mandatory reporters. At least at the school where I work, so much behind the scenes is going on to try and get children the help they need.

 

[Hikergirl]

The only thing I would do is reach out to the teacher and let her know you do not want your child anywhere near that boy, even under supervision.
I would let the school handle the boy, I would not contact anyone.

 

[jaiminee krikit]

What a terrible thing for your daughter to be going through, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you were able to have a helpful conversation with her right away and that she stopped what was happening to her friend. Personally, if it were my daughter, I would want her as far away from that boy as possible, even if that meant moving her to a different teacher. Her safety is at stake here, I would not hesitate to move her.
Honestly, I would also be calling the police. Your daughter witnessed an assault, regardless of how severe it was, it should be reported. I would not leave it all in the school's hands. They likely don't want this to get out, and if the past several years have taught me anything, a lot of schools will do what they can to hide this sort of thing.
It's hard to say what's going on in his home, he could be being molested, or he might be watching porn and thinks this kind of behavior is acceptable.
When I was in high school, a classmate got expelled for touching a girl's underwear with his pen. He was in the desk behind her, and when she leaned forward her underwear showed, and he flicked them with his pen. He was immediately expelled (which I totally agreed with). It's not something that should be taken lightly IMHO.