WWYD: elementary school harassment/assault

[brockash]

Seeking suggestions on a matter regarding DD is in 1st grade in a public school.

TLDR version: DD in 1st grade was harassed by a 1st grade boy. The same boy sexually assaulted another girl one week later and DD was a witness to the whole incident. I am concerned about DD's safety now and am seeking advice about how to communicate with school.

Here is the long story:
About a week ago, I got a phone call from the principal. I was told that during lunch that day, a boy pulled down his pants and flashed himself to DD and two of her friends. I would say the school dealt with that incident properly. The boy was immediately pulled to the principal's office. DD and her friends were counseled by teachers and told the proper way to deal with incidents like this. (Informing the adults, not letting other people touching them, etc. etc.). All parents were notified. I specifically asked both the principal and DD if anyone did anything to provoke that behavior. The answer was no. DD was upset after the incident, but that night, we had a talk. We assured her that she did nothing wrong and reemphasized what she was told at school. We thought that was the end of it.

Yesterday, I got a phone call from the mom of a very good friend of DD. The girls are in the same 1st grade class and are really tight. The mom told me that she wanted to thank me for teaching DD the proper way of handling things. She told me a boy sexually assaulted her daughter at school. (Note: The mom did not use the words of sexual assault, but I am not comfortable sharing what the boy did in specifics on a public forum. I am 100% certain if an adult did that, it would be sexual assault without any doubt. ) Anyway, while that happened, no adult saw it and the friend was rather scared and confused. DD was the one who helped stopping the assault and insisted on telling the teacher about it. So the mom wanted to thank me for that. From the mom's description, I thought the school handled the incident again properly and the mom said she would have a follow up call with the principal today.

I had a bad hunch so I asked DD when I picked her up yesterday and indeed it was the same boy from last week. So we went into a little details about this boy. Based on what DD told me, which may not be 100% correct: he was newly transferred to the school. He in general likes to bother her and her friends. He has poked her with a pen at class, pushed her stuff out of her desk space and put his own stuff on it, etc etc. But the two incidents I mentioned here are the only two that landed him in principal office so far. DD is deeply annoyed by him and makes an effort to avoid him. She said she tried to stay away from him as much as possible when it was floor time and they all had to sit on a carpet. About the assault case, she said her friend did nothing wrong and "he was trying to act as if he likes XXXX, but that's not the right way to like someone".

I praised her for doing the right thing protecting herself and her friend. We also discussed what to do if something like that happens to her: trying to get away, immediately getting adult's attention, fight with all her can if she can get away, etc. etc.

End of story.

Here are couple things that concern me deeply:
1) Same boy sexually harassed and assaulted his classmates twice in one week time.
2) The things he did to DD's friends, I don't think a six year old would just came up with the idea on his own and find it fun to try.
3) I was not notified about the incident yesterday by the school. I guess that's because DD was not a victim, but she was witness to the whole thing and she notified the teacher.
4) The same boy is still in the same class with my daughter.

I have no intention of shunning that boy from society forever, but I need to know that my daughter goes to school to a safe environment. I don't want her to make an effort to avoid someone on a daily base. I am giving the friend's mom some space and time to communicate with the school so I don't want to press her for all details.

My questions is what can I do? I plan to send an email to school, but what are some of the reasonable questions I can ask and requirements I can make? It may vary from school to school, but what are standard procedures of dealing with sexual harassment/assault at elementary school and how repeated offenders are treated?

This is new territory to me. Again, my biggest concern is not to punish the boy, but to make sure everything has been done to protect my daughter and I want to be reasonable. So, WWYD?

Thanks for any suggestions.

I work at an elementary school and honestly, unfortunately there's not a lot the school is going to be able to do. If it were me I would insist my daughter be moved to a different class. - I know that is not the ideal answer and it's not fair - to anyone involved, however in my experience it's not going to magically get better and while they try to do what they can and get that kid the help he needs it will take a LONG time, if at all and in the meantime your dd will spend her 1st grade yr dealing with it. - At the very least I would insist they're desks to never be in close proximity.

ETA: I will also say that while not appropriate...a 6 year old pulling their pants down and exposing themselves is not nearly as uncommon as you may think. It, by itself is also very unlikely to be an indicator of a victim of sexual abuse.

 

[brockash]

There is no way the school will talk to you about an incident with a different student. Bringing up "I was told little Johnny assaulted Susie" will get no response because they are legally not allowed to talk about it.

However, this little monster should be suspended just for pulling down his pants. Now he should be expelled entirely. And probably evaluated for all manner of things. He shouldn't have been in school to assault the other girt. Heck, he should have been in detention, if the pen incident was reported.

Hell, get the police involved.

This may be your personal opinion, but OP know that is all it is. This is in NO way how public schools work. Whether you agree or disagree suspending a 1st grader for pulling his pants down would never happen. I agree it sounds like the boy needs therapy and I'm sure the school is working on that and has made the appropriate recommendations, but reality is many things have to line up just for him to qualify for anything more than school counseling in most places.

 

[brockash]

What a terrible thing for your daughter to be going through, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you were able to have a helpful conversation with her right away and that she stopped what was happening to her friend. Personally, if it were my daughter, I would want her as far away from that boy as possible, even if that meant moving her to a different teacher. Her safety is at stake here, I would not hesitate to move her.
Honestly, I would also be calling the police. Your daughter witnessed an assault, regardless of how severe it was, it should be reported. I would not leave it all in the school's hands. They likely don't want this to get out, and if the past several years have taught me anything, a lot of schools will do what they can to hide this sort of thing.
It's hard to say what's going on in his home, he could be being molested, or he might be watching porn and thinks this kind of behavior is acceptable.
When I was in high school, a classmate got expelled for touching a girl's underwear with his pen. He was in the desk behind her, and when she leaned forward her underwear showed, and he flicked them with his pen. He was immediately expelled (which I totally agreed with). It's not something that should be taken lightly IMHO.

High school is very different than elementary school. I'm not sure what you think the school is trying to hide...unfortunately in these types of cases the schools often have their hands tied in what they can do and their rights. OP if you feel a call to the police is needed; I'd say go for it, but again based on experience and his age I highly doubt anything at all would come of it.

 

[tzolkin]

I am shocked at the responses. I would immediately have my daughter moved to another class. Sexual assault is a crime and the police need to be called. The schools do nothing to remove this kid and assault has already happened it will continue to happen. This is going to get much worse. As a mom of 2 daughters this is my worst fear. Something far worse is going to happen behind the eyes of a teacher. On the play ground, in the bathroom and that child is forever changed.

How do you know that the school is doing "nothing"? The kid has had disciplinary action taken and I believe it's very likely that the school has contacted CPS to look into possible sexual abuse at home. If the second incident is as bad as the OP is indicating, I'm sure the teachers were required to report it to the authorities.

This may be your personal opinion, but OP know that is all it is. This is in NO way how public schools work. Whether you agree or disagree suspending a 1st grader for pulling his pants down would never happen. I agree it sounds like the boy needs therapy and I'm sure the school is working on that and has made the appropriate recommendations, but reality is many things have to line up just for him to qualify for anything more than school counseling in most places.

But, the OP already said that the boy was suspended for 5 days for the flashing incident. So it's definitely not something that would "never happen".

 

[eeyoreandtink]

How do you know that the school is doing "nothing"? The kid has had disciplinary action taken and I believe it's very likely that the school has contacted CPS to look into possible sexual abuse at home. If the second incident is as bad as the OP is indicating, I'm sure the teachers were required to report it to the authorities.



But, the OP already said that the boy was suspended for 5 days for the flashing incident. So it's definitely not something that would "never happen".

As I understand it, the suspension was only rumor from another parent. agree with the pp who said the flashing is unlikely to result in suspension. I teach high school, and my sister first grade. No way would her school suspend a 6 year old for that. Posters who have pointed out that the schoolas limited options are also correct. Basically all they can legally do is call CPS and suggest counseling. Calling the police is not going to do much. This is a 6 year old. They aren’t going to charge him, and if they suspect abuse, they are going to defer to CPS to investigate unless there is some kind of compelling physical evidence.

 

[eeyoreandtink]

Thank you for everyone's reply. Here are couple things without multi quoting everyone. I will be writing an email to the school right after submitting this:

4. I do want to keep DD away from the boy if possible. But here is the thing: we love her teacher. I don't think moving DD to a different classroom is fair to us and gives the wrong message. She did nothing wrong. On the other hand, I am not sure if moving the boy is even an option. If it's an option, is it reasonable for me to propose that? Also, would that help? They still share the same lunchroom, play ground, etc. I am not proposing that yet in today's email and need to think it through.

I almost all cases, your child would be the one moved. You cannot control another child's situation, only your own. If you want her away from this child, she would need to be the one to move, at least in every situation like this I have dealt with in the last 15 years. It’s would be muddy legal water for the school to take action on another child based on your request.

 

[KennesawNemo]

First of all, thank you again for everyone's input.

I have emailed the school. They invited me to have a face to face discussion with the principal. It should happen either today or tomorrow. I don't plan to do anything before that.

As I understand it, the suspension was only rumor from another parent. agree with the pp who said the flashing is unlikely to result in suspension. I teach high school, and my sister first grade. No way would her school suspend a 6 year old for that. Posters who have pointed out that the schoolas limited options are also correct. Basically all they can legally do is call CPS and suggest counseling. Calling the police is not going to do much. This is a 6 year old. They aren’t going to charge him, and if they suspect abuse, they are going to defer to CPS to investigate unless there is some kind of compelling physical evidence.

As for suspension, I am now certain the boy was not in class for couple days after the first flashing incident. He was not in class again yesterday after the second assault incident. I, however, do not know if it's because the school suspended him or if it was his parents' decision. I don't intend to find out either.

 

[martikus]

Sending hugs for your daughter. In the meeting I’d be asking why I had to hear about incident 2 from your daughter since she was involved at least from a witness/reporting standpoint. And what will change in future communications.

I’d also be insisting the boy be moved from class (because of incident 2). If that did not occur I would escalate above principal. While obviously this kid has issues and I don’t want to label a kid for life no way I’d be ok with him still in class. Teachers can’t be everywhere 24/7. And your daughter shouldn’t have to lose her teacher she likes and move herself.

My reaction would be different if I was the parent of kid assaulted. I’d be involving police as I don’t have confidence in schools handling really severe.

 

[mom2rtk]

And your daughter shouldn’t have to lose her teacher she likes and move herself.

No, she shouldn't. But I doubt they let parents dictate moving other kids around. The most control the OP probably has available to her is where her own daughter is.

 

[DisneyHardin]

I’d also be insisting the boy be moved from class (because of incident 2). If that did not occur I would escalate above principal. While obviously this kid has issues and I don’t want to label a kid for life no way I’d be ok with him still in class. Teachers can’t be everywhere 24/7. And your daughter shouldn’t have to lose her teacher she likes and move herself.

A school is definitely not going to let another parent dictate that a student other than their own be moved.

 

[eeyoreandtink]

No, she shouldn't. But I doubt they let parents dictate moving other kids around. The most control the OP probably has available to her is where her own daughter is.

This it likely the case.

 

[zoo2tycoon]

I used to sub. I was in the last week of school for a teacher. Second grade- second to last day at track and field day. Two girls come up and say a classmate (boy) showed them his privates. Of course schools don’t train subs how to handle much, but I calmly took aside and ask if what they said was true. He said yes. I told him we had to go to the principal, he was upset by that. I explained that it was the rules I had to follow. The girls talked to the counselor, the boy was out of class the rest of the day (do know parents called). I felt so bad for all involved.

It should be remembered (as the mother of boys), that girls can do inappropriate things too. Back in the 70s in second or third grade several “good” girls from my class got in trouble for showing the boys their chests at recess.

Hope all children involved get the help they need in this situation! I’d move my child immediately, not fair but for her safety and well-being I would .

 

[HopperFan]

Been following .... agree with some points, disagree with some points but just some thoughts since you have a meeting.

- You say you believe the boy is a new transfer. Be aware that he might have been sent to your school after being moved out of another school for improper behavior. It is worth knowing because it could be district opted for this for a variety of reasons, and your administration was aware of potential issues. OR the family moved to give him a fresh start. Moving alone never solves the core problem.

- Moving him to another class solves nothing, it just moves him and his behaviors to another group of girls. I had a child in a class with a problem child. Over two years everyone demanded to be moved because the school was being bullied by the parent of this child to keep them in a situation they couldn't succeed. Fortunately she transferred to a new school and that class was repopulated. Sadly sometimes wheels turn slow so to get away, you have to disrupt your child.

- Obviously after the second issue, proper authorities should have been called by the school. They are obligated. If they did not they may be held responsible should another occurrence happen. Make sure the school understands that if your child is the direct or indirect victim a third time, you hold them responsible and will ............... [insert steps you'll take.]

- IF this boy has an IEP, then there might be learning issues. Not to let this go, all children can be taught appropriate behaviors (I have a child with lifelong IEP/ISP). BUT what this does do is allow the school to bring in a permanent full time aide to guide this child through proper behaviors until such time he is able to be on his own.

- My DD had a boy in her class that struggled with behavior. He lived with Mom & Sis (very nice people) and I wondered if this behavior was due to Dad walking out on him at impressionable age. Anyway, since his behavior could be directed at other kids the best way to handle it was ............ each day at lunch time (when kids are fairly independent in cafeteria with a few monitors) he had to go eat his lunch with his counselor. It kept lunch normal for rest, and gave him a one on one time with a counselor in a relaxed setting where they could talk. WHEN he had enough good days he could bring a friend with him. SCHOOLS do have options to keep others safe while trying to guide a problem child on the right path.

- The key is the other children should never be alone or in reach of this child. The school needs to protect all the other children while doing their best to determine this boys issues and try to help solve them before it gets truly out of control.

- I would make a request of the administration to have an in class session led by either a counselor or outside professional ... to explain to the class what is proper behavior and good/bad touching and what to do if it happens. No fingers pointed at the child, who knows he may have never been taught these things. Perhaps he will learn something in a group settings, at least become aware that the other kids know. And it gives the other kids knowledge going forward.

- I would also keep in close touch with the other Mom, see if there are any other episodes with other children you might not know of, and take detailed notes ... sadly you might need those later. When "entities" have there backs against a wall it is not unusual to take the offense against those who are not willing to sweep issues away.

Best of luck to you and your family. Huge KUDOS for how you've taught your daughter such an important lifelong skill.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

These are situations that can cause anxiety in a child, sometimes without us, as parents, even realizing it. So it's important that it's handled correctly. But it is really hard to know what to do, and who to talk to, when it happens to you, and there may be trial and error before you find the right solution. I agree with the pp's who said your #1 priority is to protect your child, so keep that at the forefront of your mind while dealing with this.

I don't want to go into a lot of detail, but my child was seriously assaulted by another child, and our pediatrician thought it warranted our going to the police, which we did, albeit reluctantly. They also felt it was serious enough to do an investigation. Later, they met with the child's parents, and that was enough to turn things around. Police depts have school resource officers who handle such matters (and deal with all age schoolchildren).

I think it would be very hard, if not impossible, for a teacher to keep your daughter away from this child at all times if they are in the classroom together. I imagine there are probably other parents wanting the same thing already, too. Ous are in college now, but (flame suit on!) looking back there were some very difficult situations that our kids' teachers had to deal with over the years while simultaneously trying to teach the rest of the class. Kids who didn't cause disturbances probably lost out on quite a bit of their teachers' time and attention because they always had to be focused on the attentions that some of these other children required.

I also want to say that, besides there being concerns of abuse at home for the child in the OP's situation, or things like porn, there are also children coming from different cultures integrating into communities and schools, and there can be many other issues that are unknown to you, as well. But that's the school's job to figure out. Parents just may have to stay on them if there are concerns about safety because there may be things unbeknownst to you and others that cause them to not be able to act or to continue to have to keep him in the classroom, etc.

Buy a notebook and start to keep track of everything that has happened, and who you spoke to, on what date, and what was said, etc. Save emails. Things have a way of getting convoluted over time. It's only September! And first grade! Also, if you're not having luck talking to one person, try to find another who is more approachable and/or proactive. I had a different situation that I dealt with for a long time that basically went nowhere. Later I realized there was someone else that would've done things differently but I never thought to go to that person, so I wasted a lot of time. Ultimately it was someone new who came into the system who fixed a long term problem in one hour. So make sure you're talking to the right people.

 

[KennesawNemo]

@HopperFan @Pea-n-Me Thank you both for your replies! They are so helpful!

 

[leebee]

In the school where I used to work, there would have been a temporary plan in place so that this boy is never alone around other kids, until something permanent could be established. There are always options... lunch/recess with the principal or counselor, assigning a paraprofessional/ed tech to the child, being a "helper" in an empty classroom (such as art or library or music) where the teacher is present but other children are not, "visiting" in a resource room (fewer children, more adult attention), etc. It takes a community to protect the other kids, and I was lucky enough to work in a school where the faculty deemed this important, so teachers would go out of their way to help in situations like this.

 

[cabanafrau]

Been following .... agree with some points, disagree with some points but just some thoughts since you have a meeting.

- You say you believe the boy is a new transfer. Be aware that he might have been sent to your school after being moved out of another school for improper behavior. It is worth knowing because it could be district opted for this for a variety of reasons, and your administration was aware of potential issues. OR the family moved to give him a fresh start. Moving alone never solves the core problem.

- Moving him to another class solves nothing, it just moves him and his behaviors to another group of girls. I had a child in a class with a problem child. Over two years everyone demanded to be moved because the school was being bullied by the parent of this child to keep them in a situation they couldn't succeed. Fortunately she transferred to a new school and that class was repopulated. Sadly sometimes wheels turn slow so to get away, you have to disrupt your child.

It's shocking how often moving to a new school is the "solution" selected to supposedly resolve the situation. I know of a case involving a cross country move resulting in several assaults and a probationary sentence that was not only violated, but violated with the full consent and cooperation of a parent. Both parent and child currently are serving lengthy prison terms.

This is why it's important to hold the school district's feet to the fire in regard to policies and procedures for addressing these situations. If administration cannot answer with specifics what they have in place to deal with this type of situation, move onto the school board and keep making noise. Ideally the school system will respond with a plan that involves utilizing community resources to address and resolve these types of situations and the specific situation at hand. Applying the appropriate resources can protect the student body overall, and hopefully insure that the six year old perpetrator gets the help he needs so that he does not go on offending, something nobody wants. An eventual move to another school is probably in his best interest as well, however when that does happen it's important that it's truly about a fresh and happy start with a positive outcome for everyone.

 

[Wishing on a star]

About mandatory reporting. Again, I would make no assumption, at all. As mentioned above, I think transfer of students and also teachers is a common way to brush off these problems.
I was involved in a situation once where I made a visit to the counselor and called in the principal. I brought my son in as he was the one who was aware and witness. This involved another child’s parent. I was very careful in my wording, and did specifically use the description ‘abusive situation’. The counselor seemed to be receptive. The principal was annoyed and walked out within 30 seconds. As far as I could determine nothing was done, no mandated reporting to CPS. Nothing.
That is why I would report to authorities such as police and CPS.
OP, I would request that this child be separated from your daughter. There should be options, such as a special situation to deal with this boy. Unfortunately, they will not want to provide for him and might suggest moving your daughter. Insist that they address the situation with this boy,! Not shift around your daughter or other innocent students.

 

[monsterkitty]

About mandatory reporting. Again, I would make no assumption, at all. As mentioned above, I think transfer of students and also teachers is a common way to brush off these problems.
I was involved in a situation once where I made a visit to the counselor and called in the principal. I brought my son in as he was the one who was aware and witness. This involved another child’s parent. I was very careful in my wording, and did specifically use the description ‘abusive situation’. The counselor seemed to be receptive. The principal was annoyed and walked out within 30 seconds. As far as I could determine nothing was done, no mandated reporting to CPS. Nothing.
That is why I would report to authorities such as police and CPS.
OP, I would request that this child be separated from your daughter. There should be options, such as a special situation to deal with this boy. Unfortunately, they will not want to provide for him and might suggest moving your daughter. Insist that they address the situation with this boy,! Not shift around your daughter or other innocent students.

First, you have no idea why the student transferred into this school. The school probably doesn't even know. It's the beginning of the year and it's first grade. Do you know how many people move during the summer? Do you know how many students enroll in a new school at the beginning of the year? Just because the student is new to the school does not mean they were transferred in due to behavior problems.


Second, I'm a teacher. I've called CPS many times in my 31 years. Only once have a had a return call in that they deemed there was something they really needed to investigate. Another time, I had them reach out to me for an abuse case as I had had every child in the family. You have no idea if the situation was reported just as we never hear back from CPS what the outcome is of our report.

 

[eeyoreandtink]

About mandatory reporting. Again, I would make no assumption, at all. As mentioned above, I think transfer of students and also teachers is a common way to brush off these problems.
I was involved in a situation once where I made a visit to the counselor and called in the principal. I brought my son in as he was the one who was aware and witness. This involved another child’s parent. I was very careful in my wording, and did specifically use the description ‘abusive situation’. The counselor seemed to be receptive. The principal was annoyed and walked out within 30 seconds. As far as I could determine nothing was done, no mandated reporting to CPS. Nothing.
That is why I would report to authorities such as police and CPS.
OP, I would request that this child be separated from your daughter. There should be options, such as a special situation to deal with this boy. Unfortunately, they will not want to provide for him and might suggest moving your daughter. Insist that they address the situation with this boy,! Not shift around your daughter or other innocent students.

that's a lot of assumptions to be made about a school and staff you know nothing about.