Ever Been Kind of Insulted By a Christmas Gift?

[ford91exploder]

We had a thread on here, years ago, about the bad gifting of a MIL. remember it? LOL

I'm going to say I have not been insulted by a gift, but I have been disappointed. One year, at Christmas, I got a flannel nightgown and a 'muumuu' type robe...from Walmart. That's it...nothing but a little bit of candy (seriously, it was a candy cane, a few Kisses, and a couple of those mini Hershey mix bars) and an orange in my stocking. I was 15, but still... That was it. Two presents to unwrap, that cost my dad maybe $20.

My dad's girlfriend's kids lived with us. The younger ones (elementary school age) got a ton of toys and clothes. All sorts of things that kids enjoy. Stockings bulging with toys and candy. I was happy for them, because, hey, kids and Christmas. The oldest (2 years older than me)...she got a dozen new outfits, and a whole bunch of houseware items (pots n pans, dishes,etc) PLUS she got several records, a record player, money, the usual hair/body type gifts, books, and a lot more, including a bulging stocking of candy and gift cards.

It took a good 4 hours to open gifts. I had to sit there and watch them open all their stuff. My dad said he couldn't do much for me that year, and I understood. But having to sit there watching just broke my heart.

My 16th birthday, I received nothing; same with my 17th. Not even a card. My dad wasn't even around (long haul truck driver) on both, and he didn't even try to call to wish me happy birthday. Those kids birthdays that same time frame (2 in August, one in June) had parties and cakes, and cards and presents, and dad and his gf made the effort to come home in time for their birthdays. (She was with him on the road; the oldest kid...senior in hs/college frosh, me a sopho/junior) raised the younger two for 2 years.)

Insulted, no. Disappointed and bitter, yes.


DH's bday is right before Christmas; his siblings would get gifts on his bday so they wouldn't be jealous; and his bday gifts counted as part of his Christmas gifts. His sister's bday is in August, and her bday gift was always school clothes.

Been there, It hurts when a parent takes out their bad feelings for their Ex on the Kids from that Marriage, You grow up feeling unwanted.

 

[AndreaDM]

I have another one - again, not offended because it’s not from somebody who would have gotten us anything normally. But it does make for a fun story.

Spent Christmas Eve at my uncle’s house. My cousin’s godfather was there and was nice enough to also get us something. All the way home, we begged to be able to open one present that night and my dad eventually gave in and said we could open those. I got a baby doll. I was 13. My brother opened a set of 8 white linen napkins

My grandfather always gave me gifts for someone older than myself. One year, I was maybe 10 and he had my name in the family exchange, he gave me a table lamp for my nightstand. Yes, a very useful gift but it wasn't one meant for children, it was a porcelain lamp with 3 different shades of brightness. As disappointed as I may have been as a child, I did use that lamp well into my 20's even after I moved out.

On the other hand, my one aunt & uncle always thought of me as a little kid. At age maybe 13 I'd get a box of crayons or markers lol.

The only one that really offended me was an ex-boyfriend who I'd been dating for at least 1.5 years. For every occasion he'd give me candles. I love candles, but it is such a generic gift, not something that he'd put thought into. I'm sure he walked by an endcap of candles at Walmart and thought, aha, perfect gift! After about the 3rd candle gifting I believe I told him he should probably buy tapers because I was going to shove them you-know-where!

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

Been there, It hurts when a parent takes out their bad feelings for their Ex on the Kids from that Marriage, You grow up feeling unwanted.

Oh, no, my dad wasn't divorced from my mom. She passed away before my 9th birthday, due to cancer. No bad feelings on his part; he missed her every day of their time apart.

Dad was born between WWI and WWII, and so grew up in a very frugal time. He bought gifts for her children, as well as for me, but he didn't take into account that his were the only gifts I would receive. No grandparents around (only Dad's dad, and he was even more frugal than dad); my siblings were all scattered and usually relied on charity for their own kids.

Her kids got gifts from her, her family, her husband (yeah, she was still married, to an Army doc) and her husband's family. And she spent money on her kids...and ONLY her kids....like it was free tap water; she not only had her paycheck but part of her husband's as well, and zero bills to pay except for her car payment/insurance, and stuff for her and her kids, and she chipped in on food. My dad paid all the other bills in the house, and he didn't make a whole lot.

So it was more of me feeling unwanted in my house by her and her kids, and a bit betrayed by my dad since he bought for them. He was always like that with his spending, though. If he didn't have enough for all, no one got anything; if one got something, all did. As a teen, though, I wanted him to spend his money on me, and not on others who got so much from their families. Does that make sense? No, but I was a teenager, and sense is not something very common in that age group, lol.

 

[Wendy1985]

Oh, no, my dad wasn't divorced from my mom. She passed away before my 9th birthday, due to cancer. No bad feelings on his part; he missed her every day of their time apart.

Dad was born between WWI and WWII, and so grew up in a very frugal time. He bought gifts for her children, as well as for me, but he didn't take into account that his were the only gifts I would receive. No grandparents around (only Dad's dad, and he was even more frugal than dad); my siblings were all scattered and usually relied on charity for their own kids.

Her kids got gifts from her, her family, her husband (yeah, she was still married, to an Army doc) and her husband's family. And she spent money on her kids...and ONLY her kids....like it was free tap water; she not only had her paycheck but part of her husband's as well, and zero bills to pay except for her car payment/insurance, and stuff for her and her kids, and she chipped in on food. My dad paid all the other bills in the house, and he didn't make a whole lot.

So it was more of me feeling unwanted in my house by her and her kids, and a bit betrayed by my dad since he bought for them. He was always like that with his spending, though. If he didn't have enough for all, no one got anything; if one got something, all did. As a teen, though, I wanted him to spend his money on me, and not on others who got so much from their families. Does that make sense? No, but I was a teenager, and sense is not something very common in that age group, lol.

It almost reminds me of Cinderella so sorry you went though this

 

[sailorstitch]

Ok, here's another one.

When I was little my grandma would send my parents a check to buy me Christmas presents from her. That way I got things I wanted instead of what grandma liked. The presents were delivered to my aunt's house where they were wrapped and put under her tree. I don't remember when/how I learned of this process.

The year I was 8 I somehow got my hands on the letter my grandma sent with the check. Maybe I opened the letter when it came. I don't really remember. I remember the letter though. It was a fairly lengthy letter. My grandma had sent $100 that year. In the letter my grandma said that I was getting too old for toys and I had too many already. She said I was only allowed to get one toy that Christmas and it couldn't cost more than $20. The rest was to be spent on clothes, nothing else.

My parents never bought name brand clothes and my growing was starting to slow down. I didn't need $80 worth of Kmart/Wal-Mart clothes. My parents talked my grandma out of that idea. That year I wanted The Heart Family Disneyland set. It was a toy of the Dumbo ride and and four extra cars that were sold separately. Grandma agreed to that because it all worked together as one thing.

Even though I ended up getting what I wanted, I never forgot how my grandma felt she had the right to dictate when I would give up my toys. Even though she never said it, I'm sure my grandma was expecting that to be my last Christmas getting any toys at all.

And here's the real kicker... My grandma was an adult toy collector. She had a collection of over 100 teddy bears, a doll house and many other toys in her house. Yet she felt I needed to get rid of all my toys before I turned 9.

 

[ford91exploder]

Oh, no, my dad wasn't divorced from my mom. She passed away before my 9th birthday, due to cancer. No bad feelings on his part; he missed her every day of their time apart.

Dad was born between WWI and WWII, and so grew up in a very frugal time. He bought gifts for her children, as well as for me, but he didn't take into account that his were the only gifts I would receive. No grandparents around (only Dad's dad, and he was even more frugal than dad); my siblings were all scattered and usually relied on charity for their own kids.

Her kids got gifts from her, her family, her husband (yeah, she was still married, to an Army doc) and her husband's family. And she spent money on her kids...and ONLY her kids....like it was free tap water; she not only had her paycheck but part of her husband's as well, and zero bills to pay except for her car payment/insurance, and stuff for her and her kids, and she chipped in on food. My dad paid all the other bills in the house, and he didn't make a whole lot.

So it was more of me feeling unwanted in my house by her and her kids, and a bit betrayed by my dad since he bought for them. He was always like that with his spending, though. If he didn't have enough for all, no one got anything; if one got something, all did. As a teen, though, I wanted him to spend his money on me, and not on others who got so much from their families. Does that make sense? No, but I was a teenager, and sense is not something very common in that age group, lol.

I understand that feeling as well, as new wife’s kids were royalty and i was the one to do all the unpleasant chores. In ugly divorces the kids are always the casualties of the war between the parents. And then a new wife comes along and the parent wants to put kid from previous relationship out with the dog, out of sight and out of mind.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

I understand that feeling as well, as new wife’s kids were royalty and i was the one to do all the unpleasant chores. In ugly divorces the kids are always the casualties of the war between the parents. And then a new wife comes along and the parent wants to put kid from previous relationship out with the dog, out of sight and out of mind.

Not present related, but I had similar teen years growing up with my dad and stepmom, who had two daughters, both older than me; one of whom lived with us.

When I was 14, my dad took me for a walk and told me I was ruining his marriage. Why? Because I was dating somebody and it seemed too serious to my stepmom, who was upset that my stepsister’s bf broke up with her right after graduation, after 4 years together and she thought the same would happen with me. I called my mom and moved out that night.

Over time, things got better with my dad (although we’re no longer speaking now). But the inequity between my stepsister and us was crazy. They bought her first car and paid the insurance. They paid for her to go to college. Their reason - her dad wasn’t in the picture but I had both parents in my life.

Fast forward to when I’m getting married. Stepsister is a bridesmaid. My dad seriously suggests I don’t have a photographer at my wedding because she didn’t have one at hers and it wouldn’t be fair. After I laughed at that, he suggested I just not tell her. Umm, how do I hide the person taking our photos? Anyway, my mom said she’d pay for it after he said he couldn’t put any money towards it because it wasn’t fair - and then had the nerve to ask for copies of the photos.

Sorry for the tangent away from gifts! Back to some crazy stories now.

 

[goofyernmost]

This year the lack of something from one of my grandkids was a little annoying. I have a grandson that will be 21 years old in February. Since he was born I have spent anywhere between $40 and $60 dollars on birthday and Christmas on him. $100. for high school graduation. He lives at home and because of covid he is doing College classes online. That leaves him a whole lot of free time so he has a part time job that earns pretty good money for a kid with no expenses. He is not very social so he doesn't have any close friends and pretty much stays home in his room playing games on his computer. Anyway, I didn't ask what his siblings gave him, but I know that I got nothing, his cousin got nothing nor did his aunt and uncle. Now I don't blame him completely but I do blame his parents for not teaching him the proper way to behave. I know that giving is the whole idea, but receiving makes it all seem more complete. He hasn't been taught that. HIs mother was taught that though. Something slipped though the cracks.

 

[tcufrog]

The fall I got married was a very popular wedding season in our circle of friends and so there were a lot of weddings to attend. One of the couples must have been feeling the financial pinch because they regifted to us a crystal picture frame they got for a wedding gift. How do we know that it was a regift? They forgot to remove the attached card. I wasn't upset that they regifted but I was annoyed that they didn't make the effort to hide that fact.

 

[DisLiss]

Not that I can recall, and honestly, a whole lot of the examples given here wouldn't bother me, either. Perhaps there are some back stories behind the relationships that make these gifts seem extra upsetting to folks, because on the surface, some of them just don't strike me anything I'd view as insulting or hurtful. I do feel for those who are telling the stories, of course, since they obviously do feel badly about them. Hugs!

 

[ford91exploder]

I have a colleague who is noted for sending gag gifts every christmas I admit I look forward to those usually dollar store items but the presentation is usually insanely bizarre. One year he gave us 'Emergency Clown Noses' another year it was a Meteor Detector 'if the pterodactyl stops flying the earth is about to be destroyed by a comet' (it relied on solar cells) another year it was ACE bandages after we did a troubleshoot on a 4 million square meter office complex in Europe.

So I'd agree that it depends on the backstory with the giver, But in this case Christmas is not Christmas without one of these bizarre gifts (all of which I still have...) But it's obvious that each year's gift is carefully selected for impact.

Now I could see how someone new might not understand but I was informed ahead of time that a weird and wonderful thing (emphasis on weird) would be arriving in my mailbox.

 

[disykat]

This year the lack of something from one of my grandkids was a little annoying. I have a grandson that will be 21 years old in February. Since he was born I have spent anywhere between $40 and $60 dollars on birthday and Christmas on him. $100. for high school graduation. He lives at home and because of covid he is doing College classes online. That leaves him a whole lot of free time so he has a part time job that earns pretty good money for a kid with no expenses. He is not very social so he doesn't have any close friends and pretty much stays home in his room playing games on his computer. Anyway, I didn't ask what his siblings gave him, but I know that I got nothing, his cousin got nothing nor did his aunt and uncle. Now I don't blame him completely but I do blame his parents for not teaching him the proper way to behave. I know that giving is the whole idea, but receiving makes it all seem more complete. He hasn't been taught that. HIs mother was taught that though. Something slipped though the cracks.

I honestly don't know ANY college aged students that do a whole lot of gift giving. That expectation seems weird to me.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I honestly don't know ANY college aged students that do a whole lot of gift giving. That expectation seems weird to me.

That’s what I was thinking too.
I’m in my 50s and have never bought a gift for an aunt or uncle.
When I was in college I just bought for my parents and siblings. Maybe a boyfriend.

Any gift I buy for my parents or inlaws is from our family including the college age child. I put all our names on grandma gifts.

 

[pens4821]

When I was a later teen I started buying my own gifts for my parents, brother, and grandmother’s. I never bought for aunts/uncles/cousins (well one cousin who I’m close with I do buy his kids now).

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

I honestly don't know ANY college aged students that do a whole lot of gift giving. That expectation seems weird to me.

I was assuming there was a back story that was missing because I thought the same thing. I guess there were times we bought something for my grandparents, but it was always when we something perfect for them and not just because, so it was not every year. I have never bought for my aunts/uncles/cousins.

 

[Heather07438]

While I wouldn't have had a fit and would have been gracious, I wouldn't have found that an appropriate gift, to be honest. If the giver wanted to donate to a cause, they should have done so in their own name. Those sort of things (unless you know that the recipient would appreciate it) smack of using someone else's money to make yourself look/feel good. Yes, I know that it was the giver's money (unless your office gives people money for secret Santa), but it was "earmarked" gift money for the recipient.

I knew somebody who regifted one of those 3 years ago. Got it from someone at work, regifted to her aunt. Is that allowed?

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I honestly don't know ANY college aged students that do a whole lot of gift giving. That expectation seems weird to me.

My DS is in grad school, but has been buying his own gifts for several years. We aren't exchanging with my family, until we can get a vaccine & feel safe traveling, but we did buy for MIL. He obviously did too, because she told DH today what he sent her. I don't think it's unusual at all.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Never in my teens/adulthood have I ever bought a gift for grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins. Some of those people got gifts from me when I was very young — IOW, my mother picked out some trinket on my behalf and said “This is going to be your birthday gift to your grandfather, okay?” — but that didn’t last past the mid-elementary years. The gifting practices I’m familiar with tend to have gifts that flow down through the generations, not up. We sent my in-laws a Christmas gift from our three year old for the first time this year, just a little craft project he made for them. I expect he’ll continue to send them Christmas gifts for only as long as he can get away with smearing paint and gluing random objects to paper and having people think it’s cute, which probably means it will stop long before college.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Never in my teens/adulthood have I ever bought a gift for grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins. Some of those people got gifts from me when I was very young — IOW, my mother picked out some trinket on my behalf and said “This is going to be your birthday gift to your grandfather, okay?” — but that didn’t last past the mid-elementary years. The gifting practices I’m familiar with tend to have gifts that flow down through the generations, not up. We sent my in-laws a Christmas gift from our three year old for the first time this year, just a little craft project he made for them. I expect he’ll continue to send them Christmas gifts for only as long as he can get away with smearing paint and gluing random objects to paper and having people think it’s cute, which probably means it will stop long before college.

In our family, the younger generations buy for grandparents, aunts, some buy for uncles, first cousins & their spouses, when they become adults & get jobs. DS spends more for his grandmother*, but still buys for all of the others. The older generations buy for everyone & spend a lot more per person. I also bought something for my grandmother*, when I got my first job. Even though we comply, I personally think expecting anyone to buy for a majority or everyone in the family is a big ask, but I also think anyone that works should want to buy something for their parents & grandparents.

*I say grandmother, because MIL is the only grandparent DS has left & my grandmother was the only one alive, when I got my first job.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

This year the lack of something from one of my grandkids was a little annoying. I have a grandson that will be 21 years old in February. Since he was born I have spent anywhere between $40 and $60 dollars on birthday and Christmas on him. $100. for high school graduation. He lives at home and because of covid he is doing College classes online. That leaves him a whole lot of free time so he has a part time job that earns pretty good money for a kid with no expenses. He is not very social so he doesn't have any close friends and pretty much stays home in his room playing games on his computer. Anyway, I didn't ask what his siblings gave him, but I know that I got nothing, his cousin got nothing nor did his aunt and uncle. Now I don't blame him completely but I do blame his parents for not teaching him the proper way to behave. I know that giving is the whole idea, but receiving makes it all seem more complete. He hasn't been taught that. HIs mother was taught that though. Something slipped though the cracks.

Who tallies up the dollars spent on their grandchild in this case? You're like using it against them. Were you expecting each grandkid to spend $40 and $60 on gifts for your birthday and Christmas? Or more to compensate for you giving them more for graduation" Who pours over their grandchild's life to make the point that they have time AND the funds?

Gosh I'm sure glad my grandparents, god rest their souls, even as bitter as my grandmother was in her later years never did that to their grandkids. My grandmother had no problem vocalizing things especially in her later years but heavens she never acted like that basically saying "...and where's MY gift???"

Perhaps in different cultures it works in different ways but I agree with another poster IME generally speaking gifts flow down not up. Appreciation and acknowledgement of gifts given is usually the only expectation for the up direction.