Sorry for the long post, I’ve been having a rough few days (years) and just need to get some things off my mind.
I won’t be running the Half Marathon tomorrow or the Full on Sunday. About two miles into the 10k I started experiencing acute pain in my right knee and, to a slightly lesser degree, my left. I didn’t take any bad steps or have an inciting incident; but I got gradually worse over the course of the run. I’ve never had knee pain before and believe it is only tendonitis but I’m not risking anything. For now, it’s unimportant.
The bigger issue is that I’ve been dreading this Weekend for the last couple months. I’ve been trying to put on as brave a face as I could when I post here. This group is awesome and I didn’t want to dampen any enthusiasm. Signing up for this Dopey was completely aspirational. I have fallen way off the track in the last ~6 years and the last two have been the worst of all. I lost my perfect Dopey in 2020 because of blisters from poor preparation and I’m mortified by how much worse shape I’m in now than I was even then (leave alone when I was fitter). Once upon a time a RunDisney race helped me get healthier and I thought it could work again. Well, it didn’t.
I have spent a lot of time thinking today. I know I can finish the Half tomorrow and have some thought that I could gut out the Marathon if there were any stakes. But that’s the point. There aren’t. Slogging through the miles, ashamed of myself every step, putting myself at risk of injury; there wouldn’t be accomplishment at the end. Those medals are pretty but I don’t think I’d see them as the symbol of accomplishment they will rightfully be for so many others this weekend.
At some point I fell in love with Marathon Weekend, the talk about being a runner, the idea that simply getting it done was proof that I was improving myself. More than once I’ve said this Weekend is my favorite of the year. But, I wanted the celebration without any of the hard work. The decline was gradual but the further I’ve receded from my peak the more difficult it has become to get started back in the right direction.
Anyway, I don’t want this to be a total downer. I’ve had a great couple days at the parks with my niece and nephew and I’m excited about where I’m at mentally. It has long been a given for me that I was just going to run Marathon Weekend (Dopey specifically), but I’m changing things up for myself. I’m not sure when registration will be for Marathon Weekend 2023, but i am setting weight loss and mileage goals for myself that should be achievable as long as the mid-April “traditional” registration date is the earliest we see it. This year I will be earning my registration (rather than registering to try to get back to running). I desperately want to once again finish a Dopey feeling proud of myself and energized, the way I did the first few years. I don’t know the exact numbers I’ll be looking at, but I’m thinking of reviving my long dormant journal when I have the plan crystallized.
Congratulations to everyone who is kicking butt this weekend. I’ll be following along and cheering for all of you.
ETA: Thanks for humoring me to anyone who read everything, I’ve talked a lot with my family today but it felt good to write things out and somewhat organize my thoughts.
TL;DR- I am dropping out of my last two races because I suck. But I don’t want to suck. And I’ve maybe figured out a way that I can stop sucking.