Abusive Relationships - info needed

[chell]

A friend at work is in an abusive dating relationship and seems to keep thinking that "he will get better over time", "he would NEVER hit me", "he would never try to kill me", ... I know there are tons of stories out there from people who have been in abusive relationships where they thought the exact same things as my friend. I want copies of these to print out and take to her. The problem is that I can't find them because I keep getting all caught up in statistics and stuff like that.

Can you help me out and post some here for me to print out or post a link directly to some? Even if you have a first hand account and want to PM me - if you do this I will never share it with anyone, I'll take your name off of it before I even print it.

Please help me help my friend! I don't want her to be a statistic.

I know that if she can find a story similar to hers that it might help open her eyes a bit. Yes, I know that she is an adult and she has to make decisions on her own. But at the same time I know that it is my responsibility as a friend to do what I can to protect her.

She just thinks that certain things will never happen. He is showing the classic signs of an abuser and keeps getting worse day by day.

Again, please help!

Thank you!

 

[jamsmom]

I sent you a PM.

 

[jamsmom]

I sent you an e-mail, but forgot to add this...then sent it. But, for any friend or family mamber who knows someone in an abusive situation:


I commend you for being such a good friend. She is going to need you whether she stays with her boyfriend or not. The longer she stays, the easier it is for friends and family to leave her thinking she should have already left him. Then, if she feels like she doesn't have anyone or is too embarrassed, it is easier to stay in an abusive situation. Stay friends with her no matter what. She will remember it deep down inside, even if she says something is none of your business, she needs you!!!

I speak from experience.

 

[chell]

Thank you Carol. I now know for sure that I am doing the right thing.

Thank you so much for you willingness to help!

 

[Poohnatic]

Abuse isn't just physical. It can be emotional, too.

suzanne

 

[chell]

Originally posted by Poohnatic
Abuse isn't just physical. It can be emotional, too.

suzanne

That is how it started! He was following the path to hitting her - which happened this weekend!

For anyone that wants to e-mail me please send to chellnjr_91@yahoo.com.

Thank you so much to the two who have sent me PM's. I really do appreciate you taking time to do this.

 

[adamak]

Keep talking to your friend. Make sure you check up on her regularly. Give her confidence.

I have similiar experience with one of my college friend. She got beat up. I took her to the hospital, and she refused to file a report. And 2 days later she got back with her boyfriend. I was so angry, I went over and screamed at the guy. Of course, he had all sorts of excuses (she beats me first...etc). I even cried and begged her not to do that. She wouldn't listen.

I don't think I handled it correctly. But I am sure she will remember what I've said. She eventually left after multiple beatings. I still wished I have done more.

I get so emotional over this topic.

 

[jamsmom]

Mine was more emotional than physical most of the time...until the end. I mentioned in one post and shall again. The knife was dull once, it may not have been the next time.

 

[WDWLVR]

I would like to recommend a book that I think will help you and your friend a great deal. The book is I Closed My Eyes by Michele Weldon. It is about rebuilding life after domestic violence and about how abusive relationships don't always follow the stereotypes. This one really hit home with me because I happened to go to school with the two people involved.

 

[SonjaB]

The following provides warning signs to look for in a potentially violent relationship.


Emotionally abuses you (insults, belittling comments, ignoring you, acting sulky or angry when you initiate an action or idea).
Tells you who you may be friends with, how you should dress, or tries to control other elements of your life or relationship.
Talks negatively about women in general.
Gets jealous when there is no reason.
Drinks heavily, uses drugs, or tries to get you drunk.
Berates you for not wanting to get drunk, get high, have sex, or go with him to an isolated or personal place.
Refuses to let you share any of the expenses of a date and gets angry when you offer to pay.
Is physically violent to you or others, even if it's "just" grabbing and pushing to get his way.
Acts in an intimidating way toward you by invading your "personal space" (sits too close, speaks as if he knows you much better than he does, touches you when you tell him not to).
Is unable to handle sexual and emotional frustrations without becoming angry.
Does not view you as an equal--because he's older or sees himself as smarter or socially superior.
Thinks poorly of himself and guards his masculinity by acting tough.
Goes through extreme highs and lows, is kind one minute and cruel the next.
Is angry and threatening to the extent that you have changed your life so as not to anger him.


ANY OF THE ABOVE IS A BIG FLASHING RED FLAG!!!!!!! These things are not normal, not okay, and WON'T get better with time or anything else. Please get away from this person if you recognize anything in this list.

 

[jamsmom]

Sonja- boy, you hit the nail on the head. But, it is really hard to see it sometimes when you are in that type of relationship.

Boy, this thread has brought up many old and forgotten memories and feelings.

 

[chell]

Carol - I'm sorry to bring up old memories and feelings. My intentions were not to upset anyone. I'm sorry for causing you any more pain!

Sonja - another lady at work printed off that same list today and marked all of the ones that we know this guy has exhibited. There are a lot of pink marks on that piece of paper. We plan on giving it to her in the morning.

Mary - I'll have to check out that book. Thanks!

 

[jamsmom]

No apology needed. It is just kind of starnge to think back on things that I haven;t thought about in a while.

I sure hope some of our words may help your friend. They may not help over-night, but hopefully soon.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

Just stand by her and be there for her.she is going to need you.Please keep talking to her and encouraging her to do something about it.it is sad to say that she will probably not listen(i know i didnt)after being abused for 4 years(mentally and physically)and finding him in the bed with other women i finally said enough is enough.it took me that long to do it though.she probably thinks(because he tells her)that it is all her fault that he is treating her that way.this will be a very long road and she needs all the support that she can get.she may not listen at first but she will come around.
this brings back alot of memories for me too.
you are a wonderful friend for caring.

 

[off2disney]

chellnjr

You are to be commended for tring to help your friend, but be prepared that it might not be that easy. I have had friends that would not...or could not...admit that they were in an abusive relationship. One of the first things that an abuser does is try to isolate that person from friends and family, get them away from their support group. It's a control thing. He works on her self-esteem and convinces her that: (he's the only one that cares for her) (or that she does something that makes him act like that) (or she deserves it). And some women feel like they can't live without a man, even if he's a lousy one! And sometimes they are embarrassed that they don't have the will power to get out of the situation, and therefore avoid you because of it.

Just be her friend - you may not be able to convince her to get out of the relationship, but you can be there for her if and when she does.

 

[disneefamily]

Disnee Dad Says.........................................I guess I should stay out of this one, but here I am.

Abusive guys very rarely change, most of the time it will escalate.

For some reason some women like the agression and think they can change the bad boy, but it never happens.

Maybe you can excuse one incident, maybe at best, but the second time is a trend.

Women, don't feel like you need a guy to be whole. Unless you get a good one like me... lol...,be confident in yourself.

If she got hit, he has to go. Forever. It will never work.

 

[Poohnatic]

Disnee Dad,

Sometimes they NEVER hit, but the words cut deeper than anything else ever will. It took my ex leaving for me to see how he treated me and that it was abuse(9 years of it). After about a month of therapy, I realized it and started healing. Apparently, he thought I was still going to take him back when he grew bored of his new girlfriend.

I always say I went through that to have what I do now. I don't take much grief and I stand up for myself. Things I had done before the ex, but he charmed so much that I didn't see what was happening.

Suzanne

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I don't know how showing her statistics or showing her a list of warning signs will help. If she is an intelligent person she already knows, and she may take it the wrong way. The best way would be to just let her know that you support her and you are there for her. It's easy to walk away from a friend who is in this situation becuase you can't understand why she puts up with it. Please don't ever do that. The chances are her circle of friends are small, and the smaller it gets the more hopeless it will seem to her as she will think she has no one to turn to, so she would be more likely to stay in this type of relationship. Sometimes people have to hit bottom before they seek help. She has got to want it, you can't make her.

 

[Serena]

chell, just be there for her. You are a good friend.

 

[chell]

Miss Jasmine - I'm not showing her the statistics because she has already seen them. I was just saying that I seem to find more statistics than anything else. What I am looking for are stories of what women have been through and how they didn't think it would happen to them either.

Thank you all for the support you have shown. A special thanks to those who have shared their stories with me.