Abusive Relationships - info needed

[Miss Jasmine]

Chell, to me that falls under the same thing. I am sure she knows and that's probably the last thing she wants to hear (it is not going to make the situation any clearer to her). She is scared and hurting. Support is the most important thing, not stories of how this or that woman thought it wouldn't happen to them. Because deep down inside those women KNEW something would eventually happen. It was every one else who was surprised. Really, she doesn't need to hear these "horror" stories. She already knows.

Edited to add: It might be more helpful to sit down with her and figure out a safety plan "just in case". Things like having a bag packed and hidden away in a safe place, and knowing that she has "safe houses" that she can come to, no questions asked. Even if she's not living with this person, these are still important things.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Here are some sites to check things out:
http://www.sandiegodvcouncil.org/help-tips.html
http://familyservices.uwctl.org/../divisions/abw/helping_a_friend_in_an_abusive_r.htm
http://www.ccsf.edu/Departments/Women_Studies/Project_SURVIVE/4_6.html
http://www.ursuline.pvt.k12.tx.us/eserviam/GWS/FriendNeedsHelp.htm

 

[RUDisney]

Jasmine hit the nail on the head. She should have keys hidden outside or by the door in case she has to run out quickly. She needs a place to go, that he doesn't know about, in case things escalate.

We are going to my BIL's wedding in a month. He is marrying someone who is graduating from med school. I've been in the family for almost 15 years, and I know all of his tricks and trademarks. She is making a huge mistake, because he was her boyfriend at the time that all of her girlfriends were getting engaged, and she wanted to be planning a wedding, too. It is amazing at the front that he can uphold in the public. No one would ever think that he has a temper, or would be cruel to her. He goes out of his way to help others.

The things that I really fear for my future SIL are that she will be in her internship soon. She will be working hellacious hours in that and she will have a very jealous husband at home. He had a previous GF that was in school about an hour away. If he called her at 12:30 a.m. and she didn't answer, he would drive to her campus to look for her.... some other guy might be trying to make time with her. I also fear for her because I've heard that when they go out and he's had a few beers, he starts slapping her around in front of others. What will happen when they are in their own home, with the doors locked?

I can't talk to her about this. She's too close to the rest of the family who think that their son/brother is a saint. It would cause more of a rift for me with them. My DH would tell me to stay out of it, but he knows my feelings about the whole thing. I pray for her alot. Hopefully, she'll get away from him before there is any permanent damage done.

Good luck to your friend.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Chell, Tell your friend if she's thinking, "with enough love, he will change", HE WON'T!!!

TC

 

[CookieGVB]

Please let her know that you are there for her no matter what, and that she shouldn't be embarrassed to stay or go.

People stay because they think the abuser will change - that he will be that ONE who will overcome his abusive behavior.

She should have copies of (or orginals) important documents OUTSIDE of the house that she can access in case of emergency. (Birth certificates, social security card, etc., etc.). An extra set of car and house keys is also a good idea. See if she will give you a set of clothes that you can keep for her. Whatever she decides to do, it is not as easy as people who have never experienced it would think.

Stories from other people may or may not help her - your love and support will ALWAYS help - good for you for sticking by her!! PM me if you need to.

 

[RUDisney]

I thought of another story for your friend. A few years ago, a young lady moved from OH to PA to live with her fiance and plan their wedding. He moved her into a place that his parents owned that was about 30 miles from town. She got a job as my boss's assistant. As she started to listen to herself talk about him, she started to realize how emotionally abusive he really was. Not only did they live far away from all of her friends, but he moved her away from her family, too. He refused to ever go back to OH to visit them and when she told him one night that she was going for wings with the girls from work, he got mad when she wasn't home by 8:00 as she had promised. He told her, "you have alot of chores to do around here before you go to bed."

I wasn't very good friends with her during that time. When I heard that she was leaving him, I was very proud of her. It takes more courage to believe in yourself and stand up for yourself than it takes to stay with an abuser. She left with her car, and a few personal items. He and his parents owned everything else from the apartment. I went shopping in my linen closet and my pantry closet and I filled up my trunk with all of the things she would need to start her household. My DGM has recently passed away, so my Mom was able to give her alot of furniture and pots and pans, etc. She was overwhelmed by the number of people who did the same thing for her. She knew she made the right decision

She is now happily married with a 6 mo. old son. The difference between her first fiance and her DH is night and day. She saw what she was missing in life with the first one and vowed to not let that happen again.

Your friend can do it, too.