Thanks Amy....I can admit I've got a long way to go and I'm not going to get there overnight, but I'm starting to feel better about everything.
I know I went right back to my comfort areas when things started getting tough - which is to stress eat, quick putting me first and run myself into the ground and such.
I've made some decisions that I know are going to benefit me. I went back to Weight Watchers this morning. I need to have someone else hold me accountable and I really like the meetings. Today we talked about the seeds in our garden and while it sounds a bit corny, it made a lot of sense. The message was that if you are planting seeds of negativity in your garden, then that is what is going to grow. It talked about the negative messages we say to ourselves and turning them into positive messages. This gives me something to focus on for the week. I'm so scared of being successful with this journey, after 46 years, I know what fat Diane is like and I know what to expect out of life with me. I don't know what to expect from success and how to behave as a smaller person and that scares the daylights out of me.
I'm also going to update my resume and start seeing what may be available. I work in a specialized field and businesses are always looking. My boss got a new job just 8 weeks after being let go and I've been talking to him as well as some others. I can't continue to 70 or more hours a week without any help and I just found out that I won't be getting any help. I'm tired all the time and I've cut back on working out because there isn't enough hours in the day. That is stopping and the calorie challenge has been really helpful. I need to see what is available and look and see if there is anything available for me. It may not result in changing jobs, but I need to be ready. I've got 8 weeks vacation accrued and I don't feel like I can take any of it because I only continue to fall further and further behind when I'm out of the office.
I'm going to look at what I could list my house at if I were to put it on the market. I'm not sure I would sell, because I have a lot of equity in the house and even with the market the way it is, I would still have a house payment similar to what I have now. I am thinking of going to a smaller house or townhouse so maybe I could downsize my job and enjoy life for a while.
I've been so frustrated with work, I just found out this week that the budget I need to be held to, wasn't adjusted for new uses on the system I manage and the budget is off by about $500,000. That's about 20% difference and in this economy, I can't wait to tell others about this. I talked to my boss about it and have done some investigating, but regardless of who was involved in the decisions and what led to those decisions being made, I'm the one who is going to take the hit for this one.
Why is it when things go crazy and there aren't enough hours in the day the person that suffers is you. I do everything for everyone else and leave myself no time at all. I feel like I'm letting Tim down because I've gained weight and I don't feel like I'm in as good of shape as I should be. I'm tired and cranky with him and it isn't his fault. I'm so blessed that he doesn't quit on me, even when I've felt like quitting on myself. I know I'm doing something right because through all of this, I've continued to see Tim 3 times per week, sometimes those 3 sessions have been the only 3 workouts I've gotten in during a week, but I just don't want to let him down. I'm not sure why I think it is ok to let myself down, but not let others down.
Maybe I should have chosen the trip to Africa instead of a year of Tim. I know I'm just saying that because I'd be out of the country for 3 weeks and people couldn't find me there and it would be like running away from life for a while. Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like? If so, I'm going through one.
I just found out this morning that a friend of mine checked herself into an eating disorder clinic. I'm so proud of her for being such a strong person to recognize the issues within herself and taking that first step to admit there is a problem. She has had a really tought 18 months, in addition to fighting some real emotional issues for over 20 years that her friends are just learning about. I remember last summer asking a friend if they though that she was anorexic due to some behaviors I had observed and now I kick myself that I didn't say anything to her at that time. I don't think she would have been ready to do anything about it then, I'm just so proud of her for doing something now. Both of her kids have some issues; one is autistic and the youngest is showing agression issues due to the situation at home. She is so scared of losing her kids and I'm just so proud of her for getting some help.
I really need to get back to the DIS and journal, it's got to be my therapy. If I don't do it here, I'm going to have to go into therapy and I don't know if there are enough hours in the day for that as well.
Thanks everyone who has stuck with me.