Washington DC (Newshax wire) -- Earlier this morning in his weekly press address, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greesnspan gave a harrrowing glimpse into a potentially dark and uncertain future that startled everyone in attendance.
Without articulating any reasons, Greenspan stepped up to his podium, eschewed his customary greeting and weekly view on the economy, and immediately warned individual investors to shift their portfolios from "stocks, bonds, and precious metals," to the more base assets of "foodstuffs, ammo, and big dogs."
Greenspan then added that "Barbed wire and body armor are also items that could provide positive rates of return on investment in the coming years."
After warning everyone about the dangers of campfires in the home, Mr. Greenspan quickly stepped offstage again and began to walk away, ending the press conference with nary a specific of his ground shaking pronoucements.
Reporters quickly clamored around Mr. Greenspan demanding answers to questions regarding what exactly he knows, and what precipitates this sudden and fundamental shift in investment strategy. Greenspan remained silent however and simply waved once more, bid everyone a fond farwell and quickly retreated to an awaiting underground bunker.
Markets were curiously up on the news, as market analysts, eager to avoid holding the bag with their own investments, loudly declared in unison that Greenspan was merely pointing out "sectors of extraordinarily potential investment growth in the coming bull market."
Said Brendon Peters of Bull Stock Review Magazine (DJIA: BSR), "We feel as Mr. Greenspan feels, that as a heavily saturated bond market matures and housing cools off, money will flood into stocks again touching off massive rallies. Expecially in the areas Mr. Greenspan mentioned due to their current undercapitalization. Look for huge unyielding growth in energy and telecom stocks also."
When quizzed about Mr. Greenspan hurrying underground and wishing everyone, "God's mercy," Peters quickly replied that,
"There's a simple answer for that. Alan Greenspan, like Michael Jackson, is allergic to sunlight and must go to his dark chamber for 20 hours a day. Do you ever see him playing tennis for instance? And he's found God, preferring to pray in concrete bunkers equipped with six years worth of food. It's in his religion. Anyway, remember energy and telecoms. Buy now. Gonna be huge."
Brokers were seen dumping massive quantities of personal stock and hastily loading up their SUVs for "Weekend family camp trips" after Greenspans announcement however.
Without articulating any reasons, Greenspan stepped up to his podium, eschewed his customary greeting and weekly view on the economy, and immediately warned individual investors to shift their portfolios from "stocks, bonds, and precious metals," to the more base assets of "foodstuffs, ammo, and big dogs."
Greenspan then added that "Barbed wire and body armor are also items that could provide positive rates of return on investment in the coming years."
After warning everyone about the dangers of campfires in the home, Mr. Greenspan quickly stepped offstage again and began to walk away, ending the press conference with nary a specific of his ground shaking pronoucements.
Reporters quickly clamored around Mr. Greenspan demanding answers to questions regarding what exactly he knows, and what precipitates this sudden and fundamental shift in investment strategy. Greenspan remained silent however and simply waved once more, bid everyone a fond farwell and quickly retreated to an awaiting underground bunker.
Markets were curiously up on the news, as market analysts, eager to avoid holding the bag with their own investments, loudly declared in unison that Greenspan was merely pointing out "sectors of extraordinarily potential investment growth in the coming bull market."
Said Brendon Peters of Bull Stock Review Magazine (DJIA: BSR), "We feel as Mr. Greenspan feels, that as a heavily saturated bond market matures and housing cools off, money will flood into stocks again touching off massive rallies. Expecially in the areas Mr. Greenspan mentioned due to their current undercapitalization. Look for huge unyielding growth in energy and telecom stocks also."
When quizzed about Mr. Greenspan hurrying underground and wishing everyone, "God's mercy," Peters quickly replied that,
"There's a simple answer for that. Alan Greenspan, like Michael Jackson, is allergic to sunlight and must go to his dark chamber for 20 hours a day. Do you ever see him playing tennis for instance? And he's found God, preferring to pray in concrete bunkers equipped with six years worth of food. It's in his religion. Anyway, remember energy and telecoms. Buy now. Gonna be huge."
Brokers were seen dumping massive quantities of personal stock and hastily loading up their SUVs for "Weekend family camp trips" after Greenspans announcement however.
