How/When do you teach your children about hatred?

[aristocatz]

I'm hoping its ok to post this. I noticed only one thread about the tragic events from this weekend, but it sadly got shut down due to people choosing to argue instead of mourn & reflect. I'm hoping this one will stay open, as I'm sure I'm not the only parent on here who struggles over this issue.

I've been emotionally struggling over the tragic events that occurred this weekend at the Tree of Life Synagogue. We found out about the events shortly after we left our own synagogue, where our young children were attending Hebrew School and my husband and I were attending Shabbat morning services. I cried when my husband showed me the news alert on his phone, but was luckily able to shield my emotions from our children.

The rest of the weekend I spent mourning, in fear, and worrying about my own children and wondering how and when to prep them for the inevitable exposure to racism, antisemitism, prejudice, and hatred they are going to experience in their lives-whether it be directly or indirectly. I know these issues have gone on for hundreds of years, so these concepts are nothing new. But shielding/protecting/educating my children on these issues is new to me.

Parents: I wondered when and how do you start to talk to your children about hate? I don't plan to discuss this weekend's events to our children-they are both under the age of 7. But, with my oldest in kindergarten, will she overhear bigger kids talking about this at school? A mean man who killed Jews at a temple because he hated them? She knows she is half Jewish. I don't want her to fear her own place of worship.

As she gets older, do I wait until she brings these things up to me? Or do I start reading her books now about hate, so she is not surprised to know this level of hate exists?

 

[amberpi]

Great thread topic. I wonder what others will say; we've had some dozies of conversations about this lately.

@aristocatz - how awful to hear that news exactly when you did. Its awful anyway, but that would have compounded it for me.

 

[Skellingtonj]

It’s a tough call. I Can’t imagine seeing that as you leave your own house of worship. Teach them about how everyone came together in solidarity. All religions, all races. There are some great images on twitter of packed synagogues holding memorials. Not just in PA all over.

 

[Hikergirl]

My kids are all older and I don't really specifically remember at what age but I guess it was most likely when something happened and they questioned it. There are ways you can teach small children without scaring them, maybe putting more focus on the good people that help in those kinds of horrible incidents.

 

[OneOftheB's]

My son did a book report on Jackie Robinson in the 2nd grade and couldn't wrap his head around why it was so important to his biography that JR was the first major league player who was African-American. I felt the need to discuss race and bigotry with him at that point (he was 7). The discussion then spiraled into bigotry against races/religions/ethnicity. It was very hard for him to understand why his friends who are decedents of people from Africa or Asia would have been treated differently, by law, not too many years ago and that some people judge others by how they look. It was even harder discussing why different religions are hated/hate each other.

What I hoped he took away from that and subsequent discussions is to look at someone's character and not their "group" to determine if you like or dislike that person. It was really helpful that the kids who differ ethnically or religiously from my son are all great kids and the kid who most looked like my kid is a little turd. See-people who are different from you can be awesome and people who may look like you can be terrible people. Look to the inside of a person, and make sure that you are someone that others can say they see the good inside of you.

 

[skyblue17]

I think you could start simply, and do not need to delve too deeply into specifics until you feel they are old enough. I always think of the Mr. Rogers "look for the helpers." I think it's important to remember that there is always good, and that being a thoughtful, caring, accepting and open-minded person can be valuable. Teach those lessons until you feel they are ready to learn why they are so necessary, especially in today's world where we need as much light as we can get.

 

[Forum Jumper]

I waited until my kids ask questions. There is so much going on when kids are younger that I don't think I addressed it until they brought it up. It would usually be something that had happened at school (in their little world), I think.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Such a tough thing to have to explain to children (as are school shootings, terrorist attacks, and every other form of hatred, bigotry, and senseless acts of violence out there). I certainly don’t have all the answers but the first things that come to mind are:

1) Condemn the person who would do something like this, along with the hateful ideology that drives them. Let your kids know this type of violence is not okay on any level and has no place in our society.

2) Listen to and try to alleviate any fears they may have about this happening to them. Reassure them of the statistically factual truth that the odds of them falling victim to something like this are infinitesimally small.

3) Follow Mr. Roger’s advice to “look for the helpers.” Show them that the good people in this world far outnumber the bad.

4) Keep the line of communication open so they can continue to talk about and process these types of events as time goes on.

This would be my gut reaction for how to handle it, but I don’t know what’s best. I’m looking forward to hearing other people’s advice.

 

[Southernmiss]

Teachable moments.

When the children hear something at school or see something on TV or overhear a family conversation. Then we talk about it.

My kids were young during 9-11. There were simple conversations at school as they grew up. Our conversation at home, if they even brought it up would be Look for the helpers, find the good. There are bad people in the world and we pray for them and those who have been hurt and all of the helpers.

There are things (situations and people) that I purposely shielded my kids from until they were older and we could talk about it.

My kids have actually taught me a lot by how they accept and see others and have made me very proud that they see things so differently than just a couple of generations ago did.

Our kids are watching and our example means a lot.

There's a little poem that I've often thought of as I've raised my kids. This is one version--

A careful man I want to be —
a little fellow follows me.
I do not dare to go astray,
for fear he’ll go the self-same way.
I cannot once escape his eyes.
Whatever he sees me do he tries.
Like me he says he’s going to be —
that little chap who follows me…
He knows that I am big and fine —
And believes in every word of mine.
The base in me he must not see —
that little chap who follows me…
But after all it’s easier,
that brighter road to climb,
With little hands behind me —
to push me all the time.
And I reckon I’m a better man
than what I used to be…
Because I have this lad at home
who thinks the world of me.

 

[Deb & Bill]

You don't tell them. You show them.

 

[wgeo]

In general we didn't discuss negative news stories like that with our kids when they were that age. Until Sandy Hook happened, my kids were in the younger elementary grades at that time. We thought that they probably wouldn't hear about it from other kids at that age, but we figured that there would be some dicussions of safety or possible changes at school, so we did talk to them about it. We kept things very general and focused on what they could do to stay safe and made sure that if anyone talked about it and they were scared or confused that they would come talk to us.

In your situation since this most recent horrible event is quite relevant to your family, it seems quite possible that they might overhear conversations about it - so I would recommend that you be the one to discuss it with them - again very generic - but kids can build things up quite a bit in their heads and let their imaginations run wild and you could perhaps stop that before it starts.

 

[NotUrsula]

Personally, I try not to fall back on the idea of "evil" as a motivator. "Evil" as a concept is both too complicated and yet too simplistic for the average child to fully grasp. Hatred, by contrast, is fairly easy for them to understand, because in their worlds, bullies are fairly common -- and commonly hated. Kids understand fear from about age 3, and they understand how it can make you so upset that you panic and strike out. From there you can talk about how big people might use weapons to fight against what they are afraid of, and how important it is to make it a point to try to interact directly with people who are different than you are, so that this kind of fear has less chance to get out of control.

Most important, though, is to hammer home how truly rare it is for a random act of prejudicial violence to happen. (Even though we hear about these incidents often, they ARE still truly rare in terms of the odds of any given person becoming a victim.) They should not be afraid of this happening to them, and coming up with ways to emphasize the vanishingly small possibility is a good way to combat that.

 

[CarolAnn856]

My kids are 19 and 16, and there never was a time when we really sat down to teach them how awful some people are. As they got older and became more aware of current events, we ended up talking about those situations. During those discussions, bigotry and hatred came up as part of the larger picture. When others have tried to suppress the rights or freedoms of different groups, we talked about why it is wrong and how we can help change things. Most importantly, though, we also were always very proactive in showing the kids our support of those who have been marginalized.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

We chose to teach our child about compassion, love, acceptance, tolerance & equality. If they know about those things, they can identify hate on their own. My most proud moment as a parent was when my DS's kindergarten teacher said he was the only child that volunteered to sit beside a little girl who had a life that was very different from the rest. All the other kids thought they could catch something from her. (I'll leave it at that.) Teach them love for everyone & they'll shy away from hate.

 

[Poohforyou]

I think you teach about the good and compassionate that will always overcome hate. Tragically there has been hate since the beginning of time but good always wins. I know that sounds trite and corny but it's all I have to hold onto with all that's going on.

 

[kdonnel]

It starts with not being a racist or bigot at home. So many are taught to behave one way at home and another in public.

Racism and bigotry are very much taught/learned skills.

I have tried to teach my kids to be race, color, and religion blind, to value people based on their interactions with them.

 

[Colleen27]

I don't recall there being one big moment when we decided to address these things. It was more of a constant, evolving conversation over time, based on things that happened in our lives or in the larger world. I remember having a conversation with my son when he was very small, I guess he'd have been 4, about why someone would vandalize a store we frequented (it was right after 9/11 in rural Michigan, and the owner was middle eastern). We had another talk about bullying, violence, and prejudice when he was about 7 or 8 and hit a boy who told made DD(then 4) cry by telling her we were all going to hell when we die, and another because of issues that arose when he befriended a girl with Downs syndrome who some of the other kids were mean to. And with an older kid in the family, the lessons just sort of trickled down to the younger kids.

I think the most difficult conversation I had to have with my youngest was about a game that was being played on the playground in Nov. 2016, because she just couldn't understand why some of her friends would say the things they were saying. I have never worried so much about walking a fine line, wanting her to understand that at their ages they don't really understand what they're saying but are just echoing what they've heard at home while also trying to take into account the fact that "hearing it at home" inevitably translated into saying some of the adults she interacts with on a regular basis DO understand and DO say/mean those things (it is a very small school and parent volunteers are very involved as library aides, lunch monitors, guest readers, club leaders, etc.)

 

[mumto3girls]

I can’t recall when exactly I began discussing these types of things with my children. I suspect my oldest daughter, now 18, was a bit older, but our school district uses the ALICE program (I believe I heard The Tree of Life synagogue recently went through the same training) and my youngest child has been doing those drills since kindergarten, so definitely by then. She is now 12 and the conversations continue. We probably discuss school violence more than anything, but definitely also talk a lot about racism and homophobia. I have probably neglected to talk as much about prejudice against people for their religious beliefs, but it definitely came up this weekend.

As other people have mentioned, I often remind them to follow what Mr. Rogers advises—look for the helpers— and also remind them that even though these events seem to occur often, statistically it is unlikely that they will be hurt. Having said that though, my oldest daughter was in a lockdown situation a few years ago in which they thought there was an active shooter in the school. It was a misunderstanding, but after being barricaded in a closet for several hours she exited the school with police officers in SWAT gear pointing their weapons at the students. She was a freshman at the time. We talked about that for days. Just the week before last school was closed on a Friday due to a threat coming in late on a Thursday night. We had several of those days last year as well. The opportunities for conversation are unfortunately never ending. I try to not frighten them and to be reassuring, but it is difficult. It is especially difficult with my youngest. There is 6 years between the oldest and youngest and sometimes I feel like the younger one hears more than she should about many topics.

This most recent shooting has literally hit close to home. It’s so easy to think of your own area as being safe and secure and that tragedies like this happen elsewhere. The shooter lived in a neighboring community. I didn’t know him, although both my husband and I are trying to figure out why he looks a bit familiar, but I have been on his street many times and most likely shopped where he shops and passed him on the road. He was close in age to us and would have went to high school with people we know. Very unsettling. Those innocent people were just going about their day, doing what they normally did, not bothering or hurting anyone and he slaughtered them. Sickening.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't think it is ever really too early. But, it has to be handled age appropriately.
Incrementally, according to the child's own level of understanding.
Like when the tiny kid asks, "Where do babies come from?????" Doesn't necessarily mean an entire discussion and sex-ed.

 

[Shanna-like-Banana]

We are a military family, we have lived many places where we are obviously the "outsiders"
We have always openly talked about tolerance and acceptance in our home.
This may be a news flash to some people, but there are foreign nationals that serve in the US Army. We have always encouraged our kids to foster inclusion wherever they are, even if they are the only ones