Is there anything I can do for my niece?

[Annadesu]

So, in the last year and a half, my older sibling has made many poor life choices. DUIs, losing her license to practice medicine, leaving her daughter with her lazy father and his crazy family so she can live with a horrible, horrible man. Barely acknowledging my son's birth... Honestly, I'm shocked she hasn't died yet. Everyone has done everything they can to try and help, she just gets mad and does whatever she wants, anyway.

What can I do to help my niece? I can't send money, it will be stolen more than likely... She's on the other side of the country, too. I'm at a loss with how to handle the situation, and I don't want my niece ruined for life because of this.

 

[rwdavis2]

Offer to have her live with you?

 

[Shanti]

So, in the last year and a half, my older sibling has made many poor life choices. DUIs, losing her license to practice medicine, leaving her daughter with her lazy father and his crazy family so she can live with a horrible, horrible man. Barely acknowledging my son's birth... Honestly, I'm shocked she hasn't died yet. Everyone has done everything they can to try and help, she just gets mad and does whatever she wants, anyway.

What can I do to help my niece? I can't send money, it will be stolen more than likely... She's on the other side of the country, too. I'm at a loss with how to handle the situation, and I don't want my niece ruined for life because of this.

You can stay in regular touch with her, which will likely mean staying in regular touch with your sister, too. You might not like that latter part, but it's currently a necessity if you really want to be there for your niece. You've got to keep them part of the family to be there as an available lifeline when your niece really needs you.

There were times growing up when I needed someone, but my extended family was far away and not communicative. That's one reason I make it a point to stay consistently involved in my nieces' lives, so they'll know I'm always there for them.

Your niece won't be a minor forever, and she won't become miraculously independent and mature when she hits 18. Build a strong bond with her now, and you might be in a position to help her a great deal later on, when your sister won't be able to get in the way.

 

[Neesy228]

I was in a similar situation with my niece. And I 100% agree that it’s vital that you keep lines of communication open with her. As the adult, you need to reach out to her. She likely won’t reach out to you if she doesn’t feel comfortable with you.

We looked into attempting to get custody and our hands were really tied. (And my BIL would have made our life pure hell) So, we kept in touch with her and made sure she always had a way to contact us (my BIL’s first line of attack was to take her phone and computer to limit what she was able to tell extended family.)

We checked on her frequently. We celebrated BIG when she turned 18, and even bigger when she left for college 1,600 miles away from him.

She still calls me to celebrate successes and to talk through failures. She’s got a great head on her shoulders and I’m so glad she made it out of there.

Good luck and don’t give up!

 

[Snowflakey]

Talk - or text - with her as often as you can. If she is still in school see if you can fly her out to spend time with you on her Spring vacation.

 

[Bren's Mom]

Talk - or text - with her as often as you can. If she is still in school see if you can fly her out to spend time with you on her Spring vacation.

Yes! Or ask to have her for some time in the summer.

Can you tell us how old she is?

 

[moniqueand2]

As unappealing as it may sound initially, I'd try and establish friendly communication with your niece's father.

 

[undertheradar]

So, in the last year and a half, my older sibling has made many poor life choices. DUIs, losing her license to practice medicine, leaving her daughter with her lazy father and his crazy family so she can live with a horrible, horrible man. Barely acknowledging my son's birth... Honestly, I'm shocked she hasn't died yet. Everyone has done everything they can to try and help, she just gets mad and does whatever she wants, anyway.

What can I do to help my niece? I can't send money, it will be stolen more than likely... She's on the other side of the country, too. I'm at a loss with how to handle the situation, and I don't want my niece ruined for life because of this.

You don't say how old your niece is. I would communicate as often as possible and probably attempt to get some sort of support network inplace.

 

[scrapquitler]

can you arrange to have her come visit you for some (or all) of the summer?

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I don't know how old your niece is, but could you give her a cell phone pre-loaded with phone numbers for your side of the family? Not an iphone or anything that would be stolen, just a cheap phone.

 

[indimom]

I agree with other posters. In this circumstance, just try very hard to keep communication alive. Call her often and talk about her life, what's important to her, her excitement and her tears. Be there in whatever way you can long-distance. And try your best to make in-roads with her father's family so they don't get between you and your niece.
And if you want to give gifts, try to focus on things that only she would like with no significant monetary value: a t-shirt that suits her personality, books from a series she loves, etc.

 

[Annadesu]

She 10 years old. Thanks everyone, I'll do what I can from afar...

 

[undertheradar]

She 10 years old. Thanks everyone, I'll do what I can from afar...

I'm sure whatever you try, she will know that you care.

 

[mummabear]

I can't send money, it will be stolen more than likely

You could send things you think she may need though, clothes, school stuff etc

I agree with the other posters about communicating with her. It can be hard to start that from afar though.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I'd definitely start with having a regular communication with dad. Lazy or not, he's it. And your relationship with your niece does depend on him for now. You don't have to be fake with him, but do let him know you respect his position as her parent, and express your desire to be involved in your niece's life, and that you're not a 'threat' to him. (Assuming that lazy does not equal abusive.) Ask him for permission to contact your niece via phone/email/facetime/whatever works for you.

As for sending things, if there's no other mother figure around, maybe you two can virtual shop together if she can have computer access. Have her find things she likes, and email them to you. Or shop 'together' via facetime once in a while (like before start of school or a school dance), you can walk around and pick things out together.

If her dad will take her to a place/event, then tickets or gift cards for those specific things might be good. A local theatre company play, maybe grandma would take her. Bowling or movie gift cert with enough for popcorn and to take a friend. Zoo or other local place. Of course, you have to know someone is willing to take her so communicating in advance with dad is important here.

Bringing her to you for vacations if you're able. Or visiting her locale and staying with her in a hotel there or within driving distance for a 'staycation'.

Books via Amazon. Or via her school's Scholastic flyer (you can do this online if you look up her school/teacher) and then the books are delivered to her by the teacher.

Send her flowers on her birthday.

And just being there, being present and available when/if she needs you, being non judgmental about her parents, all can help her through this next bit of years that can be very trying for kids even in the best of circumstances.