Parenting a 19 year old in College. Help

[DeeBee3]

he other element is that he’s got life threatening peanut/tree nut allergies. He’s pretty aware but what if he accidentally comes in contact with those things?

For this I empathize with you completely. One of my kids has this same allergy, but she is still little so we basically all take care of that stuff. I would think at this age, he fully understands how to be careful about food and that he needs his epipen at all times no matter what they plan to do. I always pack 2 or more, if possible.

I worry in the future when she goes off to college or more traveling with friends, but even as a young kid she is very aware of food and she can read the labels. She is very responsible - sometimes worries too much!

 

[sam_gordon]

He was invited to go with them. They rented a house and it’s in MyrtleBeach. My biggest worry is the highway driving. So so dangerous and they plan to drive through the night which scares me worse. Open road means more speed and potential to fall asleep at the wheel. Not to mention passengers drinking in the car. 14 hours away from me is not a place I can go rescue him. He is using his own money. The other element is that he’s got life threatening peanut/tree nut allergies. He’s pretty aware but what if he accidentally comes in contact with those things? Also just knowing these kids for a month what if they get mad and ditch him somewhere? All these awful thoughts come to mind. Hate this worry and fear
It also doesn’t help his 22 yr old college senior brother is in Cabo for spring break that I approve of. I just trust his older brothers maturity level more.

The overnight driving would be my major concern. BUT, college age kids are used to staying up late. Suggest to your son that TWO people (including the driver) are ALWAYS awake. That may have to be him sitting in the passenger seat.

As far as the allergy, I think you've got to trust him. Are you going to be around him always in the future?
Regarding "ditching him"... I wouldn't bring that up with him, but let him know if there are issues, he can call you and you'll help him solve them. That might mean purchasing a last minute air or bus ticket.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

One thing I’ve noticed is this age group (my kids range from 20 - 26), is that they are very anti drinking and driving, they Uber.

We always had a DD when I was younger OR we stayed at the place where you were drinking. Uber didn't exist then and we wouldn't have likely used it but still. I rarely knew anyone who drank and drove. DD's all the way or staying at the place. From the stories we'd hear we were more responsible than our parents. The days of drinking a lot have long since been over for me but I would use the same guideline now although Uber probably would be used. My husband's old company depending on the event would give vouchers for Uber too.

 

[DLgal]

Honest question: why do you expect to ever even meet or know your sons college friends? You probably won't. My parents met maybe 2 of my college friends prior to my wedding where several were invited. Even then, they didn't formally meet them all. You are way past the "knowing who your son hangs out with" period of life.

He's an adult at college. He doesn't need your permission or blessing to take a trip with friends. He knows the type of people who he is hanging out with. You can be assured that your son is doing everything those friends are doing (drinking, using a fake ID, etc).

You can make him promise you that he won't drink and drive and that he won't get in a car with someone who has been drinking behind the wheel. That's as far as I'd go as a parent. Tell him to have fun and be careful.

 

[lovesmurfs]

So glad I went to college before cellphones. I was in IN, dating my now DH in VA, long distance. No FaceTime or Internet. About once a month when I was 20, I'd leave super early Friday morning (about 3 a.m.), drive to VA, spend Friday night to Sunday morning, then leave to drive back for class on Monday. One of the weekends was through Hurricane Hugo.

Don't think I told my mother about the trips until we were married about 10 years, and she STILL got peeved about it.

I'd just tell him you have reservations about it, but to keep in touch at specific intervals throughout the week.

DD is 23 and she went on her first solo trip to San Francisco for a gaming convention. Talk about worried on my part. But she respected my concerns -- contacted me often (and got some great pictures) and she had a great weekend that she still likes to talk about.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

He was invited to go with them. They rented a house and it’s in MyrtleBeach. My biggest worry is the highway driving. So so dangerous and they plan to drive through the night which scares me worse. Open road means more speed and potential to fall asleep at the wheel. Not to mention passengers drinking in the car. 14 hours away from me is not a place I can go rescue him. He is using his own money. The other element is that he’s got life threatening peanut/tree nut allergies. He’s pretty aware but what if he accidentally comes in contact with those things? Also just knowing these kids for a month what if they get mad and ditch him somewhere? All these awful thoughts come to mind. Hate this worry and fear
It also doesn’t help his 22 yr old college senior brother is in Cabo for spring break that I approve of. I just trust his older brothers maturity level more.

I think you're coming up with all these scenarios in your head and I can sympathize with how that worry must be getting to you but understand these worries are actually day to day stuff. None of it is related to him taking a spring break trip with his friends. You can't rescue your adult child for their whole lives anyhow.

With the allergy he's 19 and at college presumably able to handle this on his own. It's something he considers I'm sure by himself everyday and understands what he needs to do (like carry an epipen, look out for ingredients, etc). Surely he's done this on his own, so I think you need to take a breath and step back.

 

[slo]

He was invited to go with them. They rented a house and it’s in MyrtleBeach. My biggest worry is the highway driving. So so dangerous and they plan to drive through the night which scares me worse. Open road means more speed and potential to fall asleep at the wheel. Not to mention passengers drinking in the car. 14 hours away from me is not a place I can go rescue him. He is using his own money. The other element is that he’s got life threatening peanut/tree nut allergies. He’s pretty aware but what if he accidentally comes in contact with those things? Also just knowing these kids for a month what if they get mad and ditch him somewhere? All these awful thoughts come to mind. Hate this worry and fear
It also doesn’t help his 22 yr old college senior brother is in Cabo for spring break that I approve of. I just trust his older brothers maturity level more.

With him using his own money, there’s not much you can do about this. I understand your concern, but you’ll need to trust that he can handle everything on his own.

I would explain that if something happens, that you are a phone call away to give him the help he needs. If you preach to him about all your worries, then he may not call you when he’s in any type of trouble. I know I wouldn’t call my mom if she preached to me about why I shouldn’t go, and then know I’ll get a big “I told you so” later.

All your concerns are legitimate concerns and nobody can tell you not to worry - of course you’ll worry - you sound like a good Mom. You just have to trust that he’ll make the right decisions about his safety and his health. He has to start doing it sometime, so it may as well start in 2023.

 

[TwoMisfits]

He was invited to go with them. They rented a house and it’s in MyrtleBeach. My biggest worry is the highway driving. So so dangerous and they plan to drive through the night which scares me worse. Open road means more speed and potential to fall asleep at the wheel. Not to mention passengers drinking in the car. 14 hours away from me is not a place I can go rescue him. He is using his own money. The other element is that he’s got life threatening peanut/tree nut allergies. He’s pretty aware but what if he accidentally comes in contact with those things? Also just knowing these kids for a month what if they get mad and ditch him somewhere? All these awful thoughts come to mind. Hate this worry and fear
It also doesn’t help his 22 yr old college senior brother is in Cabo for spring break that I approve of. I just trust his older brothers maturity level more.

Only thing I would tell him is that he's an adult now, with all that entails, from both a responsibilities and repercussions standpoint. And that there are certain things you can't fix if they happen, so hopefully, he'll go out of his way to make sure they don't happen.

And then, to go and have fun...within reason.

 

[kymom99]

Another thought, do you know the kind of people your son usually associates with? Mine went to Dallas during college with friends from high school. They drove over night. That’s pretty common. They talked about one person staying awake with the driver at all times. They did fine.

Last year he met up with some people he games with online. He knew one guy well. The others just a little. They all stayed in a rented house. I didn’t know any but the one. I knew it could have been different from what he’s used to but I just preached to him about not getting in a car with anyone who was impaired and not to drive impaired himself. Then I let it go. But he was older than your son, so I can see if it was a couple years early. I’d be worried too.

 

[lifesavacation]

Your son is in college and old enough to make his own decisions.

My 19 year old daughter in college flew to Orlando on Friday to meet up with her boyfriend and is having a great time. I’m glad she’s living her best life right now. She’s in college (nursing major) without major responsibilities. Right now is the perfect time to do these things.

 

[Allison]

He was invited to go with them. They rented a house and it’s in MyrtleBeach. My biggest worry is the highway driving. So so dangerous and they plan to drive through the night which scares me worse. Open road means more speed and potential to fall asleep at the wheel. Not to mention passengers drinking in the car. 14 hours away from me is not a place I can go rescue him. He is using his own money. The other element is that he’s got life threatening peanut/tree nut allergies. He’s pretty aware but what if he accidentally comes in contact with those things? Also just knowing these kids for a month what if they get mad and ditch him somewhere? All these awful thoughts come to mind. Hate this worry and fear
It also doesn’t help his 22 yr old college senior brother is in Cabo for spring break that I approve of. I just trust his older brothers maturity level more.

I think this is more about you and your fears (natural as a parent) than him. A 19 year old shouldn't be discouraged from going on a trip because you are worried about highway driving and him being 14 hours away from you. He isn't going to get ditched by these people. You are creating the worst fears in your own head.

As far as the allergy, he should be able to handle that on his own at this point and take responsibility for it. He should make sure the people he travels with know about it and what to do in an emergency. That is a conversation to have with him.

The rest is stuff you have to try to let go.

 

[mjkacmom]

My 24 year old just got back from a trip to Colombia with friends (I’ve known most since they were 5), one has very bad food allergies. One night he knew he was having a reaction at dinner (he is also an RN), they ubered to an urgent care and he had IV treatments. Myrtle beach isn’t bogota, and he’s old enough to know what to do in an emergency. Can you ask him to share his location during the drive? I always worry when my kids are driving long distances.

 

[leahgoogle]

I also have a 19-year-old DS. He storm chases with other storm chasers from different states. Up until he graduated HS, we made it mandatory that he have an adult driver (usually DH or his Mema) when he chased. Fast forward and he has done several chases with his friends only (ages 19-22) and it was hard not to be a worried wreck at first! I still worry, but he is an adult and has to learn how to function and problem solve out there. He is also working to fund all of these trips. I would definitely talk to your son about staying safe, but ultimately he needs to go and navigate real-world situations on his own. Parenting is a never-ending worry.....lol.

 

[Skywalker]

OP, now you're just going off into the weeds here lol. You dont know the kids, they drink, highway driving, nighttime driving, peanut allergy and now- they might get mad and ditch him? Where on Earth did that come from?

Seems like you are letting your anxiety get to you (that's what happens when you "what if" too much). You have to be careful not to make your son into an anxious adult.

Anyway most of that is all stuff he is already dealing with, he could be driving around all night with them at college, going to parties, managing his allergy etc. He is an adult. He can deal with it. Thousands (millions?) of people his age go on trips with friends. Can something go wrong? Sure but it can in your own backyard too.

Remind him of a few safety rules and tell him to have a great time.

 

[lovesmurfs]

Can you ask him to share his location during the drive? I always worry when my kids are driving long distances.

Good thought. When my daughter flew to San Francisco by herself, she agreed to have me add Life360 to her phone so that I could track her in case something went wrong.

 

[luv2cheer92]

I went to Myrtle Beach for spring break my freshman year of college. I was 17, so technically still a minor, but I paid for it myself. I could tell my parents were nervous about it. I was not really a drinker, but did partake at times, but usually ended up being the DD, which was fine with me. Honestly if I hadn't been there, I wouldn't be surprised if bad things had happened. It got... messy at times, and I found myself being the voice of reason often. So while part of me does regret going, part of me thinks that it was good that I was there.

Side note, my parents didn't tell me until like 5 years later, but they had actually driven down and stayed in a hotel in MB to be close by in case anything were to happen. I had no idea.

Not sure if this is helpful at all lol.

 

[leahgoogle]

Good thought. When my daughter flew to San Francisco by herself, she agreed to have me add Life360 to her phone so that I could track her in case something went wrong.

I have Life360 too on all of my kids' phones. I love it.

 

[bgda24]

I always “discouraged”spring break trips. I feel there is too many things That can go wrong. I sure enough wouldn’t finance it. If he really wants to go, use his own money. If he doesn’t have it, too bad. He is an adult but we still have some loose authority as parents while they are in college because we manage the purse strings. Use your best judgement and good luck. My DD went her Senior year with a group of friends but it wasn’t busy area or week.

I agree that Spring Break Trips, where underage "Adults" get together for a week unsurpervised, are most ALWAYS a bad idea. Unfortunately kids turn 18 and think they are "adults" and can make their own choices. However, it's the parents they call to bail them out (figuratively and many times literally).
That being said, my daughter and her girlfriends booked their spring break at Disney. Gave me peace of mind that at least they weren't driving in cars with drunk friends. They were safe and had a blast-supervised by Mickey and friends!

 

[georgina]

I definitely didn't tell my parents about road trips I took in college in the 1980's. I have 3 adult kids who have done things I would not have approved of if they had asked (they didn't). Travel to countries that can be sketchy, Burning Man, etc. Letting go is hard.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I agree that Spring Break Trips, where underage "Adults" get together for a week unsurpervised, are ALWAYS a bad idea. Unfortunately kids turn 18 and think they are "adults" and can make their own choices. However, its the parents they call to bail them out (figuratively and many times literally). We continue to pay for their cell phones, clothing, room and board, car insurance etc BUT they insist they are independent. I have always believed that as long as they are being supported by parents, they still owe a certain amount of respect and responsibility to the parent.
That being said, my daughter and her girlfriends booked their spring break at Disney. Gave me peace of mind that at least they weren't driving in cars with drunk friends. They were safe and had a blast-supervised by Mickey and friends!

Yeah and that's exactly why I paid for so much of my stuff. Respect by the way should never be a transactional especially cash-based way of living. You really want your kids to "respect" (because there's no real way of knowing they actually do) simply because you're holding cash over them? While I couldn't assume based on your comments so many of these stories people tell here, IRL, everywhere it's the vast majority of the time the parents who didn't let their kids either pay for things or have the means to pay for them (by not allowing them to get a job). It means virtually nothing if you hold back your kids and don't give them the responsibility only to claim they are being supported by you thus they owe you this.

The comment above is eerily like the thread that got deleted about the last adult child who wanted to go on a spring break trip and the parents disapproved.