Parents of son's friend invitied him on a Disney trip for spring break next year

[morgan98]

What?! It is a common occurrence, especially when the kids over, for them to invite a friend on vacation, not the whole dang family. Kids want to bring a friend on vacation. Life’s not fair or equal. Two of my kids went on a WDW choir trip, should they have stayed home? Dd17 and DH went to a Paul McCartney concert, it was her idea. DH, dd15, dd17 and ds20 went to Scotland for a dance competition, the rest of us stayed home.

This is one of the concepts on the DIS that I find somewhat fascinating. However, I do not have kids, so I cannot comment from a parent's perspective.

However, I am 8 years older than my brother(now 48 and 40) and we were not parented to have exactly THE SAME experiences. We had different interests, friends, opportunities and our family was in different financial situations when I was very young vs. when my brother was in his teens. I am so glad my mom didn't try to measure out everything over the years and my brother and I do not really feel like we had unequal opportunities. In my opinion, trying to even everything out results in more hard feelings than allowing opportunities as they arise.

 

[Floridaman999]

I'm getting a whiff of troll. Or maybe a bored teenager with a keyboard.

I was wondering if they ever DancedWithDisney.

 

[gwynne]

This is one of the concepts on the DIS that I find somewhat fascinating. However, I do not have kids, so I cannot comment from a parent's perspective.

However, I am 8 years apart (now 48 and 40) and we were not parented to have exactly THE SAME experiences. We had different interests, friends, opportunities and our family was in different financial situations when I was very young vs. when my brother was in his teens. I am so glad my mom didn't try to measure out everything over the years and my brother and I do not really feel like we had unequal opportunities. In my opinion, trying to even everything out results in more hard feelings than allowing opportunities as they arise.

Amen to this. About all it does is waste a lot of emotional energy. I think it's much more helpful to aim toward goals of being age appropriate and reasonable, with some room for individual interest.
Of course, things have to fit into the overall schedule and budget-may mean some give and take. But a little compromise and balance is healthy IMO.

 

[NYCgrrl]

I didn't get the memo that children sharing bedrooms was a sign of extreme poverty and worthy of despising but then I grew up in NYC where frugality in living space is the norm.

Methinks our legs are being pulled. Nobody has that much "pride" and dribbles out their life story on the internet. JMO.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

I'll accept help if there was a situation where my kids needed food or clothes and I wouldn't feel shame in it because those are needed things. However, people offering a luxury trip is different for me and its not comfortable for me and I don't see how the other family would be helping themselves out.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

They are 13 and are too old to find backyard camping fun. The friend has never been camping or fishing.

We took DD14's friend camping with us last year - it was her first time ever camping and she LOVED it!

Well, other than the fact that it was 103 outside, and she got super sunburned and it thunder-stormed so bad the 2nd night that we literally woke up in a pond in the tent....but guess what - a year later, both DD and her friend laugh about it. What an amazing memory, and that was just a little camping trip. And they are girls....and both of them loved going fishing on that trip.

Don't assume! Kids who "have it all" often love new experiences that they wouldn't get otherwise. My kids are I guess what you would say middle-of-the-road. The have everything they need and some of what they want. We have been to Disney twice, but we will never make it to Europe or really anywhere else for that matter, and generally-speaking, our biggest vacations are back home to MI (from IL) to visit family. DS18 attends a community college this year to establish residency in our (old) home state before he goes on to the University he wants to attend because I don't have $20K to spend in out-of-state college tuition. We live in a very high cost of living area in IL, and my kids go to school with kids who live multi-million dollar homes while we live in a 1300 sq foot brick cape cod that is so close to the house next door to us that I can touch both houses when I stand on my side porch, and the kitchen is 10x6. Many of our family members live in 4000 sq foot houses in MI, and my kids are insanely jealous.

But you know what? When kids come to my house, they may not have their own suite of rooms, or a gourmet kitchen, or a home theater, but they have warmth and care and open arms. And usually some pizza or good snacks lol

DS18's good friend is very well off - lives in a $2M home in a gated community, and guess where he spent most of his senior year? On our couch, talking to DH about football, and his college plans, and his life. This kid's parents traveled a lot for work and were never home. He came to our tiny, old house and didn't care that the dining room table is, for all intent and purposes, in the corner of the living room because we don't have a dining room and there is no way it would fit in the kitchen. He didn't care about our bathroom that needs to be repainted, or the screen door that has a broken handle. He's been to Hawaii, and Mexico, and Europe...New York City, Florida, California...everywhere. But he has said that his favorite trips of all are with DH, DS18, and my BIL 2 hours away in South Bend IN to Notre Dame Footbball Coaching Camps. DH has been taking the boys the past three years. And there have been times when we had barely any money and DH was buying McDonalds for them for dinner and counting quarters for tolls! And this rich kid who "has it all" loves it.

Don't underestimate kids. Not all of them are spoiled rich snotty brats. They honestly do not care about where people live, and if they do, I wouldn't want my kids being friends with them anyway.

I would let your son go on the trip. My kids have been invited on many trips with their friends - DS went to Myrtle Beach with his BFF when they were 14. The friend was from the mom's first marriage, and was pretty much an only child...his little sister and brother were 3 and 2 at the time. The parents just wanted the kid to have someone to hang out with and have fun with someone his own age! DD14 and DS12 have gone on trips with their BFF's too...for some reason my kids are attracted to only children lol, whose parents are always looking for someone for their kids to hang out with on trips. I can guarantee that they are not thinking of it as pity or charity...they are just thinking about how much nicer the teen will be if there is another teen there. I know my own (4) teenagers are MUCH happier, sweeter, and nicer to me when their friends are around...so we invite kids to go with us all the time! haha. And we only offer if we can pay, so it's never a thought in our minds that we are being "put out" by having another kid tagging along.

As for your other kids....they will get opportunities in their lives to do things their siblings don't get to do. That is the last thing I would be worried about. We have 3 kids+guardianship of our great-nephew, and we tell the kids all the time that life isn't always fair or equal in the moment, but equals out over time. If you don't make a big deal over the fairness of one kid going vs the others, they won't either.

Good luck with whatever you decide! You are neither right or wrong either way.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

A small part of me wants to let him go. I know if he goes that means that the only vacation he had during his childhood was with another family. It kills me inside that my kids will never know what's it's like to have a family vacation with both parents and all kids. Cheap stuff like camping gets boring after awhile and my oldest has expressed this to me.

Awww. It's hard to hear that when it's all you can do. As I have said, the vast majority of our "trips" are back to MI to visit family. I find it a vacation, DD14 has told me many times that it's stupid and boring and no fun.

I just tell her the alternative is staying home and doing nothing.

And just when I started to feel bad and believe her that she hates our MI trips...I came across a paper she had written for school in 7th grade (she is now in 9th). It was a very detailed account of our tradition of going to SIL's house for Thanksgiving and how DD loves it and it represents the start of the holiday season and how she loves how her aunt decorates with the lights on the stair railing and the smells of the food cooking...etc etc. I cried while reading it because while she was complaining that her friends get to go on all these great trips over T-giving and Winter Break, we go to boring old MI, she was secretly LOVING that we do the same thing, with the same people, in the same place, every year.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I'll accept help if there was a situation where my kids needed food or clothes and I wouldn't feel shame in it because those are needed things. However, people offering a luxury trip is different for me and its not comfortable for me and I don't see how the other family would be helping themselves out.

What exactly are you looking for with this thread? It seems like you just want people to agree with you since you just keep responding with the same type of comments.
Honestly I hope you are just someone who is bored and trolling because the whole thing is rather sad if it's true. If it is true, my advice is to get over yourself. You have a warped sense of things and you shouldn't want to pass that on to your kids.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

I’m also not totally sure this is real, but on the off chance that it is, I will give the argument from the “other side”.

OP, my husband and I are paying for the daughters (9 and 14) of friends of ours to come to WDW with us for 5 days next month. We are both professionals and probably fall into the category of being well off. Our friends are good friends, but not the kind of friends I would call family. They live in another country, and we have not seen them in a year.

So why are we paying for the girls to go to WDW? Easy! We care about the girls, we think it will be fun for them and for us, and we are in a position to be able to be generous, so why shouldn’t we? We are giving the girls spending money for this trip as their birthday and Christmas presents, and I don’t anticipate them being able to bring any other money with them.

A trip to WDW is hardly a necessity, but it will be a fun experience for them. I absolutely do not expect anything in return, except for them to say “thank you”. I gather that one of the girls has drawn us a picture (she’s a great artist) and I will treasure that, but it was not expected. I would be appalled if I thought they were thinking of being told that they had to work this trip off somehow (eg yard work).

Not every relationship is transactional. I get the feeling that you feel that this family looks down on you for having less money than they do, and that you resent them for their higher income. It’s possible that they do, but if so, then I can’t imagine why they would invite your child on vacation. Additionally, if they are already taking their own kids, then bringing your child may not be costing them as much as you think, since some of the major costs, like hotel, are likely the same.

You say you don’t know this family well. I would suggest that this is an ideal opportunity to get to know them better, which would be a good idea to do, irrespective of the trip, if their child and yours are so close. Maybe they do expect you to provide spending money, for example, but it sounds like they may just want to do something nice for your child, who has clearly been through a great deal of trauma recently. They may also just be looking for company for their child on this trip, which again is a pretty common occurance when kids get older.

If the family knows your family circumstances then I can’t imagine that they want anything from you in return. In fact, they would probably be horrified at the suggestion. A short thank you note from your son when they get home, along with him being polite and pleasant during the trip, would probably be far more meaningful and appreciated than anything else you could do.

Equating doing something nice with charity is a very sad and cynical way of viewing the world, and hope that you are able to see past this idea soon. Kindness doesn’t have to come with strings attached. You and your family have been through a great deal recently, and those around you/them may be looking for opportunities to show their support and help in any way they can. That’s not charity, it’s human connection.

I do agree with the others that you sound like you would benefit from some kind of therapy. Nobody can be expected to go through what you did on their own, without needing some kind of help from other people. It’s brave, not weak, to admit that you need help, and it would be of great benefit to yourself and your children if you can find a constructive way of working through the situation. This is not something you can white-knuckle your way through without it having long-term effects on yourself and your kids. You are clearly dealing with depression and other aspects of the grieving process, and that is far bigger than a Disney vacation. I wish you and your children all the best.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I haven't read thru all of this.
And, I will also say that, by the end of the first originial post, I didn't know if this whole thing felt 'real'.

But, I will go ahead and give my thoughts, based on the basic premise.
From the other families side....
When kids are teens, having a friend travel, and not be just mom and dad, or any sibling(s) that they are not super close with... That can be a big thing!!!!
We took my son's best friend on a couple of short trips.
I did not expect his single Mom to feel beholden or pay me back in any way at all.
We did this because WE wanted to do this FOR OUR SON.

In this situation, my feelings, or siblings feelings, emotional financial related personal issues... etc... might not be the most important.
It is the other family, their reasons for the invitation (hopefully similar to ours), how comfortable I might be with this other family, etc...
Those would be the deciding factors.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Giving them a gift card, cash, or snack box still wouldn't be enough for me to not feel comfortable. I try not to take help unless it's needed and I don't like to get material gifts for my kids especially if I can't provide it myself. I really don't know the other parents all that well. From what I can tell, we don't have a similar background. They are well off and I don't make a whole lot of money. They give their son a lot of expensive gifts and I can't give my son similar things. I just don't feel comfortable with them and I don't see how other people want to take their children's friends on trips. I feel they are boundaries in life and I don't even like my kids to have friends over constantly.

your son is invited so their son can have a friend with whom to enjoy the vacation.

Traveling will never really be a possibility for my family and I hate that my family never had a vacation when my wife was alive.

Growing up, the only vacations we six kids had were to our grandparents' in New Jersey, and once three of the five of us went to the World's Fair (with the two youngest getting dropped in NJ first, and still complaining 50+ years later - but i digress.) Travel isn't a necessity. Raising your childrn is.

They have a daughter who is a year older than their son.

She has most likely invited a friend as well.

My son and I can't pay back the family with somethin of equal value.

They. Don't. Expect. This.

 

[JustCallMeMommy]

When I took DD's friend with us to Universal, I would have been embarrassed if they tried to pay us back "in kind." I invited the teen (same age as yours at the time - 13), because it is more fun for my child to have a friend along. I was very up front about expectations (I would pay hotel, travel, tickets, and meals; I asked that they send spending money; she brought $100 or less along with instructions to bring home gifts for her parents and brother). It doesn't add much expense to the trip to add another person, as long as it doesn't push you into another hotel room.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Time has run out for a family vacation. My kids will grow up and leave home and may not want to go on a trip with me. I probably wouldn't be able to afford trips in the distant future that would have to include the kids' SOs or spouses or even their own kids. I won't ever be able to give my kids a decent vacation.

you will be a family even once they're adults. My parents never took three of my siblings on a "fun" vacation. Couldn't manage or afford it. And we older three got that one trip to the World's Fair.

Honestly, my kids have never even been to an amusement park or a fancy hotel.

i know New Hampshire is a few hours north to south, but maybe next year, with readiky available discount coupons you could take them to Canobie Lake?

 

[AndreaDM]

I get the feeling of not wanting to slight your other children. My youngest DD is 11 years younger than my middle daughter so basically grew up kinda like an only child. I've often invited her friends to join us for things, not a Disney trip though. One of her best friends is a twin, she wanted that friend to go along on a 2 night trip to Kalahari with us. I was concerned about inviting one twin but not the other, so I spoke with the mother BEFORE saying anything to the child so in case it didn't work out, she'd be none the wiser. Fortunately she was able to go and the parents did something special with the other twin that weekend. Other than that issue, I see no reason to not let your child go as long as you feel like you can trust the parents. Bringing a friend for their son benefits them just as much as it does the kids, believe me! I was always glad to to have a friend for my daughter to swim with, etc. so it wasn't "watch this mom" all day long!

 

[kaytieeldr]

I put my kids first all the time. But, there are some things where I have to decide on how much help or charity to take. I don't want to teach my kids that extreme gifts from others are ok all the time.

This is not help, or charity. This is a one-time event, not a 'gift all the time.'

OP also mentioned having the 13 year old work to pay back - this is something he can also offer up to the parents' of the friend. Perhaps fall leaf clean-up or snow removal (if applicable)

They're in New Hampshire, so - yes.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

I get the feeling of not wanting to slight your other children. My youngest DD is 11 years younger than my middle daughter so basically grew up kinda like an only child. I've often invited her friends to join us for things, not a Disney trip though. One of her best friends is a twin, she wanted that friend to go along on a 2 night trip to Kalahari with us. I was concerned about inviting one twin but not the other, so I spoke with the mother BEFORE saying anything to the child so in case it didn't work out, she'd be none the wiser. Fortunately she was able to go and the parents did something special with the other twin that weekend. Other than that issue, I see no reason to not let your child go as long as you feel like you can trust the parents. Bringing a friend for their son benefits them just as much as it does the kids, believe me! I was always glad to to have a friend for my daughter to swim with, etc. so it wasn't "watch this mom" all day long!

I admit I don't want to slight my other kids as well. My oldest has told me that she has missed out on a lot compared to many of her friends and she is also sad that we never had a family vacation when my wife was still alive. I hurt a lot for my oldest child whose plan to join the military is partially because she wants to experience living in other places. My youngest child is 9 and has sometimes asked me why we don't go on vacations or to sporting events. She has a friend whose family goes to Patriots games a couple of times each season. So, yes it hurts that I CAN'T GIVE any of my kids the experiences that their friends have.

 

[NYCgrrl]

We took DD14's friend camping with us last year - it was her first time ever camping and she LOVED it!

Well, other than the fact that it was 103 outside, and she got super sunburned and it thunder-stormed so bad the 2nd night that we literally woke up in a pond in the tent....but guess what - a year later, both DD and her friend laugh about it. What an amazing memory, and that was just a little camping trip. And they are girls....and both of them loved going fishing on that trip.

Don't assume! Kids who "have it all" often love new experiences that they wouldn't get otherwise. My kids are I guess what you would say middle-of-the-road. The have everything they need and some of what they want. We have been to Disney twice, but we will never make it to Europe or really anywhere else for that matter, and generally-speaking, our biggest vacations are back home to MI (from IL) to visit family. DS18 attends a community college this year to establish residency in our (old) home state before he goes on to the University he wants to attend because I don't have $20K to spend in out-of-state college tuition. We live in a very high cost of living area in IL, and my kids go to school with kids who live multi-million dollar homes while we live in a 1300 sq foot brick cape cod that is so close to the house next door to us that I can touch both houses when I stand on my side porch, and the kitchen is 10x6. Many of our family members live in 4000 sq foot houses in MI, and my kids are insanely jealous.

But you know what? When kids come to my house, they may not have their own suite of rooms, or a gourmet kitchen, or a home theater, but they have warmth and care and open arms. And usually some pizza or good snacks lol

DS18's good friend is very well off - lives in a $2M home in a gated community, and guess where he spent most of his senior year? On our couch, talking to DH about football, and his college plans, and his life. This kid's parents traveled a lot for work and were never home. He came to our tiny, old house and didn't care that the dining room table is, for all intent and purposes, in the corner of the living room because we don't have a dining room and there is no way it would fit in the kitchen. He didn't care about our bathroom that needs to be repainted, or the screen door that has a broken handle. He's been to Hawaii, and Mexico, and Europe...New York City, Florida, California...everywhere. But he has said that his favorite trips of all are with DH, DS18, and my BIL 2 hours away in South Bend IN to Notre Dame Footbball Coaching Camps. DH has been taking the boys the past three years. And there have been times when we had barely any money and DH was buying McDonalds for them for dinner and counting quarters for tolls! And this rich kid who "has it all" loves it.

Don't underestimate kids. Not all of them are spoiled rich snotty brats. They honestly do not care about where people live, and if they do, I honestly wouldn't my kids being friends with them anyway.

I would let your son go on the trip. My kids have been invited on many trips with their friends - DS went to Myrtle Beach with his BFF when they were 14. The friend was from the mom's first marriage, and was pretty much an only child...his little sister and brother were 3 and 2 at the time. The parents just wanted the kid to have someone to hang out with and have fun with someone his own age! DD14 and DS12 have gone on trips with their BFF's too...for some reason my kids are attracted to only children lol, whose parents are always looking for someone for their kids to hang out with on trips. I can guarantee that they are not thinking of it as pity or charity...they are just thinking about how much nicer the teen will be if there is another teen there. I know my own (4) teenagers are MUCH happier, sweeter, and nicer to me when their friends are around...so we invite kids to go with us all the time! haha. And we only offer if we can pay, so it's never a thought in our minds that we are being "put out" by having another kid tagging along.

As for your other kids....they will get opportunities in their lives to do things their siblings don't get to do. That is the last thing I would be worried about. We have 3 kids+guardianship of our great-nephew, and we tell the kids all the time that life isn't always fair or equal in the moment, but equals out over time. If you don't have a big deal over the fairness of one kid going vs the others, they won't either.

Good luck with whatever you decide! You are neither right or wrong either way.

For 10 consecutive summers, we took DGD camping; my kiddos went camping several times during their childhood as well. Our trips were generally 2-4 weeks long, we bathed regularly, ate the same way we did at home, and always found a wealth of things to do. Activities ranged from blueberry picking, ocean swims, fishing and mussel digging (I watched the fishing part since I get no joy from it but will happily clean and cook the day's haul), biking and hiking, visits to various museums, aquariums and local attractions and of course at least one town's fair complete w/ rides. Since DGD is an only we tend to bring similarly aged friends and family members with us so she isn't stuck with the "old people" Part of our last two summers have been spent at Disney but DGD told me a week or so past she'd like to go camping again for next 4th of July. Works for me.

 

[jrmasm]

This is one of the concepts on the DIS that I find somewhat fascinating. However, I do not have kids, so I cannot comment from a parent's perspective.

However, I am 8 years older than my brother(now 48 and 40) and we were not parented to have exactly THE SAME experiences. We had different interests, friends, opportunities and our family was in different financial situations when I was very young vs. when my brother was in his teens. I am so glad my mom didn't try to measure out everything over the years and my brother and I do not really feel like we had unequal opportunities. In my opinion, trying to even everything out results in more hard feelings than allowing opportunities as they arise.

I think it's a weird concept too. I've been parenting for 23 years and I've run into less than a handful of people in real life that keep everything equal. So it's not just on the DIS but it's not super common in my experience.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I admit I don't want to slight my other kids as well. My oldest has told me that she has missed out on a lot compared to many of her friends and she is also sad that we never had a family vacation when my wife was still alive. I hurt a lot for my oldest child whose plan to join the military is partially because she wants to experience living in other places. My youngest child is 9 and has sometimes asked me why we don't go on vacations or to sporting events. She has a friend whose family goes to Patriots games a couple of times each season. So, yes it hurts that I CAN'T GIVE any of my kids the experiences that their friends have.

We can't give our kids all of the experiences that other kids have either.

But we focus on what we CAN give them, and that is a loving home where they can feel safe and cared for. Honestly, even as teens who will cry and complain differently, that is ALL they really care about when it comes down to it. We are never going to give them as much as some other people, so we decided a long time ago not to even try to compete. We took the L off the bat, and do what we can, when we can. We are so much happier and content knowing that our last penny goes to our kids lol, and that we do give them everything we possibly can while being confident that while it's not everything, it's enough.

Your 16 year old might be jealous in the moment, but I am willing to bet that when it comes down to it, she would rather her little brother be able to experience something fun like Disney than hold him back because she didn't get to go. I have 6 siblings, and we have all done things the others didn't do at certain times. My parents waited until the 4 oldest kids were adults, and then took the younger ones to Disney. We were super happy that they got to go...and knew that circumstances were different when we were ALL younger and living under the same roof. There is no way I would have ever stood in the way of letting my little siblings do something fun just because I didn't do it too. Have you talked to your daughter about this? Maybe she will surprise you and encourage you to let your DS go.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

We can't give our kids all of the experiences that other kids have either.

But we focus on what we CAN give them, and that is a loving home where they can feel safe and cared for. Honestly, even as teens who will cry and complain differently, that is ALL they really care about when it comes down to it. We are never going to give them as much as some other people, so we decided a long time ago not to even try to compete. We took the L off the bat, and do what we can, when we can. We are so much happier and content knowing that our last penny goes to our kids lol, and that we do give them everything we possibly can while being confident that while it's not everything, it's enough.

Your 16 year old might be jealous in the moment, but I am willing to bet that when it comes down to it, she would rather her little brother be able to experience something fun like Disney than hold him back because she didn't get to go. I have 6 siblings, and we have all done things the others didn't do at certain times. My parents waited until the 4 oldest kids were adults, and then took the younger ones to Disney. We were super happy that they got to go...and knew that circumstances were different when we were ALL younger and living under the same roof. There is no way I would have ever stood in the way of letting my little siblings do something fun just because I didn't do it too. Have you talked to your daughter about this? Maybe she will surprise you and encourage you to let your DS go.

My older daughter is aware, but I haven't talked to her about this. I'm a bit more concerned about my youngest will feel especially since a place like Disney might excite her more than her brother.