Question for parents with only 1 kid...

[Annadesu]

My husband and I are only planning to have one child. Obviously, we want him to be socialized well, know how to share, not be "over-indulged", etc. School can help with this in part, but he's not going to be in school 24/7.

Any helpful hints/stories from anyone with an only child? I would love to hear them! We have a few ideas already, but it's good to hear from other people as well.

(And please spare us the "you'll change your mind!" speeches. There's medical/environmental/financial reasons for it, so lets just leave it at that! TY)

 

[kimblebee]

If say to make sure your family knows not to spoil your child. It can be a tendency, especially around holidays when gifts are involved. For my daughters first Christmas, we ended up coming home with two super sized garbage bags overflowing with stuff for her..it was ridiculous.

live your life the way you want your child to act, they’ll learn by example.

 

[Kitty 34]

My husband and I are only planning to have one child. Obviously, we want him to be socialized well, know how to share, not be "over-indulged", etc. School can help with this in part, but he's not going to be in school 24/7.

Any helpful hints/stories from anyone with an only child? I would love to hear them! We have a few ideas already, but it's good to hear from other people as well.

(And please spare us the "you'll change your mind!" speeches. There's medical/environmental/financial reasons for it, so lets just leave it at that! TY)

I'll spare you the speech but a good friend of ours (years ago of course) were planning on an only but the ultrasound 20 some weeks later revealed triplets!!. They just graduated from HS a couple of years ago.

 

[Marchand63]

I raised an only for many years, only on remarriage did siblings appear. To help him socialize I did daycare 2 days a week He learned how to share, play nice & developed the skills to interact with others politely. I searched for a right fit, took abit but it was great once I found the right one

 

[Kimberle]

We have 1. She just started college. Honestly, there is no difference in raising 1 or several. Each child is unique and has different likes/interests. They are going to socialize with you, your families, and their friends. As s/he grows, you are going to set rules and boundaries. Chance are, they are going to be no different where you have 1 or 10. We know many families with only 1. They are all happy and well adjusted, just like any other kid. You would be surprised at how many people aren't able to have more than 1.

 

[Tattylou]

I am an only child. I played with the kids in the neighborhood or went on playdates (they were not called that back then) or had friends over my house. You can learn to share and get along with other kids without living in a house with them. In fact, I'm a super social person and I credit it to the fact that I had to know how to make friends and how to make social plans.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I took my only to baby groups from a very young age - partly to get myself out of the house a bit, but also so he'd see and get comfortable with other kids. We did inexpensive ones like storytime at the library, a music class in a church basement, a playgroup that I started with some other moms where we just rotated houses...

And once he started preschool a couple of days a week, I also signed him up to stay for "lunch bunch" to get that busy group meal experience he didn't really get at home with just us.

Your only will definitely watch you for examples of how to act. Point it out when you see people being nice to each other, and involve him or her if you donate things to charity. Because DS was around adults who shared with him, he copied that with others. I actually think he would have been less inclined to feel good about sharing if he'd constantly had to compete with a sibling. And he's very generous with friends now who he knows have less.

Reigning in the toy overload is good advice as well (when relatives ask what to get him or her, suggest experiences over things) but don't worry too much about your only having a lot. I wasn't shy with DS about discussing the advantages and disadvantages of being an only, and not having to divide funds among several siblings was one of the advantages.

It also helped that when he was about two, we happened to move to a neighborhood with a lot of kids. Like Tattylou said, he grew up learning how to be a good friend because playmates were readily available, but only if he treated them well. - They weren't siblings who had to tolerate him no matter what. To this day, he's way more social than me, and I'm one of two.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

There is a HUGE difference between raising one child as opposed to raising more, don't fool yourself!

I have three, plus a nephew we just took guardianship of, but my oldest was 4years old before we had more kids, so I had a little experience raising an only for a while, and due to the gender/spacing of the other kids, really kind of raised DS17 as an only in a lot of ways.

I think the biggest difference between raising one and raising more than one is setting limits. When we just had one, we could give him one more cookie....break the "no toys at the store" rule....let him make the choice on everything from what movie to what treat to what dinner he wanted, to staying up just a little longer, etc. No harm in it since there wasn't anyone else (sibling wise) to protest or have to deal with. It was so much easier to just go with the flow. HOWEVER, that was not the best thing for our stubborn, eye for an eye, black and white perspective child! He needed boundaries and to be able to predict what was going to happen Every Single Time or else he'd debate us to death (and trust me, I used the words "SHUT. UP!!" way sooner and much more oten than I ever wanted to, and the kid to this day at 17 still hasn't learned to be quiet and not argue!) Lol

The other thing I realized after I had more kids was that I tended to perceive everything DS17 did as the "benchmark" of standard and held all kids that I came across to that standard (silently!) If he potty trained at 26 months, what was wrong with that kid over there still in diapers at 3? DS walked at one...and that baby is still sitting around at 13 months. DS didn't get teeth until 9 months, so that baby over there looks weird with a mouthful of teeth at 5 months!

After I had #2 and #3 and learned firsthand how DIFFERENT each and every child truly is, I was able to adjust my "my kid is the true perfect one and everyone else's kid is behind/weird/overachieving/etc" attitude and get grounded in reality. Many moms who I've talked to who have a big age gap between their first and second say they did the same thing. So if you are only having one, just make sure you remember that whIle your child is perfectly amazing in YOUR eyes, normal is relative, and amazing has a way of blinding you sometimes. Keep it real!

 

[frostedpink]

I'm raising an only. She is in a lot of activities and has been in daycare since 4 months old so that helped with socialization.

There are a lot of advantages to having an only. We hadn't planned on an only but we have adjusted and accepted it. I like being able to buy her toys on a whim and she can be in several activities because I don't have to balance between two or more.

 

[tvguy]

As a parent, learn to say no. I'm an only child, my wife is an only child, worked on us. I have noticed that parents who wait until later in life to have a child, and decide on just one child, especially have trouble saying no.

 

[keri125]

Reigning in the toy overload is good advice as well (when relatives ask what to get him or her, suggest experiences over things) but don't worry too much about your only having a lot. I wasn't shy with DS about discussing the advantages and disadvantages of being an only, and not having to divide funds among several siblings was one of the advantages.

THIS! I have an only son, and because his dad passed away in 2012, it is just the two of us. My mother is really involved, but all his other relatives live far away, so while we are all involved in each other's lives, they are not involved on a day to day basis.
Yes, he is probably spoiled when it comes to possessions (and yes, I have to say, I did NOT buy the majority of those possessions for him! LOL) That being said, he treats his things well, knows how to save his money if there is something he does want, and is the first to offer something of his to someone else if they need it. We gather a big box of his stuff every year at Christmas and take it to our local children's shelter.
He is aware, however, of both the pros and cons of not having siblings. He does state sometimes that he wishes he had a sibling. I tell him I think he is missing what he "thinks" having a sibling is like, not what it is "actually" like! However, I get that he is sometimes lonely. I try to make sure he has plenty of opportunities to hang with his friends, and we do have discussions regarding the great things about being an only. I am a single mother on a social worker's salary, and yet we get to do a lot of things that his friends don't get to do because I only have one child. Things like concerts, trips, and even extra additions like meet-n-greets for concerts, etc. Now that he is older (he is 12) I also try to make sure to invite a friend to events if he wants one. I get that now he is older it may be more fun with a friend than with his mom! However, we are really close, and often he chooses for it to just be the two of us. I REALLY value that time together... I know it won't last forever.
OP, your child will be fine. There are a LOT of advantages to being an only child. Listen when they express a need (even if it is not verbally expressed), give them plenty of opportunities to make friends and be with other people, and as another poster said, lead by example. They will know how to interact and treat others by how you interact and treat others.

 

[yoopermom]

DS22 is an only, and an EXTREME extrovert. Plan on the child's friends becoming your second (third, fourth, fifth, etc) child. DS had wonderful friends, we had many over for weekends and for days at a time during the summer, and I often felt a "mom" to all of them. Since many of them came from large(r) families, I think their parents were glad to be rid of one of their children, temporarily, at least .

Our DS is the only grandchild (with three sets of grandparents, since mine are divorced/remarried), and we allowed many gifts of time/travel, but tried(!) to control the "stuff". DS remembers going with grandpa to Utah, and going with the other grands on a cruise much better than he remembers all the toys he got. We also allowed them to "gift" him many of the costs associated with his extracurricular activities, and he still talks about when they all came and cheered for him at nationals.

Honestly, we did not have an only by choice. We did our best, and that's all you can do with any child, whether you have one or twenty.

Terri

 

[ZephyrHawk]

My DD4 will be a third generation only child. Myself and my mother are both only children. It has worked well for our families. Here's my advice (for what it's worth):

1. Spoiling is not about stuff. I had tons of "stuff" growing up, but was not spoiled. It's about what your parents let you get away with. And trust me, I had a strict household. It's not about money or things, it's about putting in the time to make sure that your kid has boundaries in what they do. Also, I never was possessive of my toys and things. There was always more where that came from, so I was happy to share. DH told me stories about how he used to fight with his siblings over the toy in the bottom of the cereal box. That....blows my mind.

2. Only children lie like champs. There's no siblings to blame when anything goes wrong, so they learn to convince you that either you or your spouse is responsible for whatever happened. I had my parents absolutely convinced they had broken things and just forgotten about it.

3. Only children never shut up. I didn't realize this until I had one myself. Growing up without kids to talk to, they see adults as their normal conversational equals. They will talk to everyone. At length. About everything. Or maybe that's just my kid. She is kind of weird.

4. A lot of people who are anti-only bring up the fact that when you get old the kid won't have siblings to rely on. That's just silly. When my grandparents got older and died, my mom had me. And my dad. And her friends. And she had NO ONE to argue with about what to do with her mom and dad, or who got what part of their "inheritance". Having seen how my FIL's family was torn apart by the death of his mother, I decided that siblings are not necessarily a benefit when it comes to their aging parents. My parents know I will handle everything for them exactly as they want.

I never wanted more than one. Had DD been a DS, I might have gone for 2. Thank goodness, I never had to!

 

[Shanti]

My husband and I are only planning to have one child. Obviously, we want him to be socialized well, know how to share, not be "over-indulged", etc. School can help with this in part, but he's not going to be in school 24/7.

Any helpful hints/stories from anyone with an only child? I would love to hear them! We have a few ideas already, but it's good to hear from other people as well.

(And please spare us the "you'll change your mind!" speeches. There's medical/environmental/financial reasons for it, so lets just leave it at that! TY)

It's a myth that only-children are spoiled or socially-deficient. I know plenty of nice, well-adjusted only-children (I'm a schoolteacher), and did during my childhood, too. I was a middle child, and suffered a bit from the lesser attention that the middle child typically gets. I remember a lot of sibling squabbling, and resentments. I'm glad that's all over.

I now enjoy giving my full attention and resources to our son. He is high-functioning autistic, and I know that the endless hours I've worked with him and the money (for doctors, therapies, private schools, etc.) I've spent on him have helped him become so high functioning. If he had siblings, I wouldn't have that kind of time or money for him, and he would undoubtably not be doing as well.

My son also has a very close, positive relationship with his father and me. I think part of this is due to the fact that he's our only, so there have been so many shared experiences and conversations that would never have happened if he'd been off playing or fighting with a sibling. He's never had to compete for our attentions or affections, which has given him confidence he badly needs, given the challenges that come with his disorder. And as a PP said, vacationing with just one child is much easier and more affordable than vacationing with a pack.

 

[martikus]

Parents can raise selfish and unkind children no matter if there is one or ten. How you raise your only will have a lot to do with it.

They will find social with friends and school. the only time we wish we had a sibling for DS was it would be easier to send him out to play if there were 2 of them. Or if he had a sibling they could wander off as they got older for a couple hours at an amusement park. But my DH loves playing so he fills that role a lot. And we figure as he is older if he has a BFF we could always invite him along on outings.

As he has gotten older we've made sure we don't let him get his way every time. He doesn't always get to pick where we go, what we see, what we eat, what we do. We take turns. We figure that is the biggest skill he will probably lack as an only.

I think a kid's personality has a lot to do with it too. I was waaaaaaay more bossy and controlling as an older sister than my only is. In fact he is not really at all like that.

 

[mjkacmom]

There is a HUGE difference between raising one child as opposed to raising more, don't fool yourself!

I have three, plus a nephew we just took guardianship of, but my oldest was 4years old before we had more kids, so I had a little experience raising an only for a while, and due to the gender/spacing of the other kids, really kind of raised DS17 as an only in a lot of ways.

I think the biggest difference between raising one and raising more than one is setting limits. When we just had one, we could give him one more cookie....break the "no toys at the store" rule....let him make the choice on everything from what movie to what treat to what dinner he wanted, to staying up just a little longer, etc. No harm in it since there wasn't anyone else (sibling wise) to protest or have to deal with. It was so much easier to just go with the flow. HOWEVER, that was not the best thing for our stubborn, eye for an eye, black and white perspective child! He needed boundaries and to be able to predict what was going to happen Every Single Time or else he'd debate us to death (and trust me, I used the words "SHUT. UP!!" way sooner and much more oten than I ever wanted to, and the kid to this day at 17 still hasn't learned to be quiet and not argue!) Lol

The other thing I realized after I had more kids was that I tended to perceive everything DS17 did as the "benchmark" of standard and held all kids that I came across to that standard (silently!) If he potty trained at 26 months, what was wrong with that kid over there still in diapers at 3? DS walked at one...and that baby is still sitting around at 13 months. DS didn't get teeth until 9 months, so that baby over there looks weird with a mouthful of teeth at 5 months!

After I had #2 and #3 and learned firsthand how DIFFERENT each and every child truly is, I was able to adjust my "my kid is the true perfect one and everyone else's kid is behind/weird/overachieving/etc" attitude and get grounded in reality. Many moms who I've talked to who have a big age gap between their first and second say they did the same thing. So if you are only having one, just make sure you remember that whIle your child is perfectly amazing in YOUR eyes, normal is relative, and amazing has a way of blinding you sometimes. Keep it real!

Lol, as a mom of 5, I was humbled with each baby. First slept through the night at 6 weeks, loved new foods, and was speaking in sentences at 1. Next had had to be ferberized at 6 months, spit out new foods, cried all of the time, spoke a few words at 1 (but walked at 9 months). The next 1 was sleeping through at 3 months, hit or miss on food, started talking at the normal time, didn't walk until 15 months, and was SHY (after all these years of me assuming those leg clingers' moms were at fault). By the time the twins arrived, I came to see that Nature is stronger than Nurture, just go with the flow (dd14 was absolutely terrified of dogs, ds14 LOVED dogs, and they experienced everything together).

One thing I can think of off the top of my head is that when you play games with your child, don't let him or her win every game, let them learn to lose with grace at home.

 

[longboard55]

We have been very happy with one. A couple things, she places a lot of importance on friends, and is always hurt with flakes, so I would keep an eye on that. She also is very concerned we will die and leave her alone, so keep in good health.

 

[aprilgail]

I have an only and yes, she was spoiled rotten-- but big deal, that was the nice thing about having an only, she got spoiled. Doesn't make her a bad person, she grew up getting award after award for charitable things. She was a kind, compassionate and giving kid even though she did get most everything she could ever want (one birthday she got so much she donated most to charity!). Just because they get lots of things doesn't mean they are brats- I would NOT have put up with bratty behavior. To make sure she was around other kids we were at the park often, did lots of mommy and me type of classes and at 2 she was in preschool. She went away to college this year and I miss the heck out of her, she was always my best friend and we did so much together.

 

[KLAIT]

I am an only child and I only have one child. I had a good childhood and never missed brothers and sisters. We didn't have a lot of money and what we didn't have there I had with so many things we did together and were very close knit. My parents always made sure I was allowed to have a friend in tow if I wanted one and always made sure I was grounded

I also only have one child because I felt guilty that I worked full time and wanted to spend my time with him. Being th only grandchild on my side of the family and only one of 2 on my husbands he was spoiled, BUT we always raised him to know his values are important and the people are way more important than any "stuff". I thought about asking family to not over load on gifts and other things BUT I also recognized it brought them happiness to do this so I put my focus on my child and the importance of other things to help ground him

I truly am proud if the young man he has become and agree with a previous poster that any kid can be raised as a brat no matter how many you have.

Mine was raised as an only and special but also turned out kind, caring and successful.

 

[Annadesu]

Lots of great advice in this thread! Thank you, everyone <3