Rude Adult Children?

[LSUmiss]

Just a thought, but did you know there are different levels of bipolar? When we think of it we often think of the major type. There is a lesser, minor type, as well, and the symptoms can be subtle. There is also something called Cyclothymic Disorder, which can be similar, as well.

https://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-disorder-forms

People may not even be aware they have these disorders if they've never been in therapy or diagnosed. Not saying this is the situation for your cousin, but it could be a possiblity if others are seeing things that you're not.

Bipolar also often gets way over diagnosed too. One reason is b/c insurance companies will pay more for that diagnosis vs a personality disorder. And since some symptoms can be vague, it’s easy to make a case for it on paper. But, ppl often throw out that diagnosis when ppl are rude & moody too. Not everyone who acts out has a mental illness. I don’t know about this example, but OPs example does not sound like illness (IMO).

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Bipolar also often gets way over diagnosed too. One reason is b/c insurance companies will pay more for that diagnosis vs a personality disorder. And since some symptoms can be vague, it’s easy to make a case for it on paper. But, ppl often throw out that diagnosis when ppl are rude & moody too. Not everyone who acts out has a mental illness. I don’t know about this example, but OPs example does not sound like illness (IMO).

No, I was not talking about the OP's daughter, I was simply responding to the poster I quoted. If other people are seeing things then they might have valid concerns, their being there and our not. It's just something to be aware of.

ETA I see now that the poster I quoted had said, "She sounds a lot like my cousin". I didn't even notice that, I was just responding to what I bolded. Sorry if that caused confusion.

 

[Klayfish]

Bipolar also often gets way over diagnosed too. One reason is b/c insurance companies will pay more for that diagnosis vs a personality disorder. And since some symptoms can be vague, it’s easy to make a case for it on paper. But, ppl often throw out that diagnosis when ppl are rude & moody too. Not everyone who acts out has a mental illness. I don’t know about this example, but OPs example does not sound like illness (IMO).

Amen! Yes, without a doubt mental illness exits. That is unquestionable. However, I think too many "disorders" are created and then over diagnosed to try to medically explain away what may just be poor behavior. Don't know anything about OPs daughter, just speaking in general terms.

 

[LovesTimone]

When people say " that's just how they are" or something along those lines... for me its like saying its okay to be nasty, or mean, or disrespectful... so they don't have to deal with the out burst or argument that will ensue if you say something about it or call her out... and that's just not okay in my book...

Your oldest seems to think that she has some sense of entitlement... a sense that she is better than you, her Dad, and sister... I also would tend to think that she is more than likely jealous of your younger DD. By telling you that you have mental problems she is deflecting her own problems, and insecurities on you...

You have to stand up for yourself... she is the child and should show respect for you and your husband... I don't give a fig if "that's just how she is". When she speak to you nastily or hurts your feelings, stop it right then, and deal with it... and if she isn't responsive...then be strong, and tell her when she can speak to you nicely to call back, say goodbye and hang up the phone...

 

[jo-jo]

Can I ask why you supported her until she was 24? Just curious with the comments of your house, your clothes, etc. It sounds like maybe you poured a lot of money into her.

Granted we (DH and I ) are the dullest , cheapest people around but that's by choice, not because we can't afford a new car, etc. To us, if it's not broke, don't need a new one.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

whatever works best for your child is what you should do, but just as a suggestion-

if she hasn't tried it have you considered some form of therapy/counseling to help YOUR dd with developing the tools she's going to need in dealing with a world of people who don't/won't know what makes her tick and are unknowing of or unwilling to take the time to speak her 'love language'? i only ask this b/c it's a point that our ds's therapists have driven home with us. we know exactly how to speak ds's language and while he was still in high school his teachers after spending time with him figured it out as well but as his therapist pointed out-the majority of his interactions in life are not going to be with people who have the time/interest in learning his language, and if he doesn't know how to be (for lack of a better term) bi-lingual in both his own language and those that the bulk of the human race speaks he may at minimum miss out on what could become meaningful social relationships/at worst-limit his opportunities/endanger himself by presenting in a social/educational/employment situation as inappropriately negative/hostile. it's not been ds's favorite thing to learn but i will say that since he learned some techniques he's become more self aware and as a result is becoming much more successful interacting with ourselves (HUGE difference) and others (something not nesc. the norm for young adults with his diagnosis).

again-what works for you child is best for her, i hope i did'nt offend-not my intention, just wanted to share what has helped us.

No offense taken! Thanks!

Fortunately (?) for us, DD saves the majority of her malcontent for those of us that are closest to her - her teachers, coaches, teammates, etc love her to death. She is a teen coach for cheerleading and lacrosse and the kids and adult coaches think she is adorable. She definitely knows when to be rude and when to be nice. Maybe she needs counseling for THAT! Because I do worry about her having issues in the future with significant others if she feels she can be rude to those closest to her, but at the same time, I do see her starting to "catch" herself and re-adjusting her tone or rephrasing her wording, so it may be a maturity issue as well.

 

[PeeWee70]

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[okeydokey]

I know we are only getting one side of the story here, but OP I feel your sadness and disappointment in these posts and I am sorry this is happening.

Your daughter is an adult and her behavior results in consequences. Maybe for the time being, take a step back from your relationship with her. If she is rude to you on the phone you can tell her you won't be spoken to in a rude manner and hang up. Every time. And be consistent.

It sounds like your daughter really doesn't have much empathy for others, and doesn't care if she burns bridges with people. The unhappy reality may be that you won't have a close relationship with this daughter, at least for now. She is used to treating you badly and you taking it as she feels she is superior to you. Just back out of her life and see what happens.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Your daughter is an adult and her behavior results in consequences. Maybe for the time being, take a step back from your relationship with her. If she is rude to you on the phone you can tell her you won't be spoken to in a rude manner and hang up. Every time. And be consistent.

It sounds like your daughter really doesn't have much empathy for others, and doesn't care if she burns bridges with people. The unhappy reality may be that you won't have a close relationship with this daughter, at least for now. She is used to treating you badly and you taking it as she feels she is superior to you. Just back out of her life and see what happens.

Yes. THIS.....

 

[Wishing on a star]

But her complaints are never ending about me. I'm boring, lame, not as smart as her, I have mental issues, my hair is too old fashioned, my clothes are not stylish, our house is too small and has ugly stuff in it, etc.....

OP, If these really are quotes and paraphrases, then there is no doubt that this is just NOT okay.
It just isn't... And, I can say that this would not be going on in my household for more than a minute.

I will go into why a person like your daughter might do this in a second.
But, my first thought (as mentioned before) is for you to look at yourself and ask why this was even allowed, much less enabled.
There are always two sides. Of course. But, when looking at situations like this, it is always good to look at yourself, as the old saying holds true. you can not control another persons attitudes and behaviors. But one must always be responsible for their own.

First, there can always be complex issues in any personal relationship. And, nobody can really begin to know anything about that from a chat board.
I notice that you mentioned that she was pretty miserable during her teen years. (Depression?)
That, to me, says a lot.
So, as far as any psychological or neurological issues,
IMHO, to be successful, and also to be miserable, would indicate some some pretty significant psychological or neurological issues.

If it is okay, two questions cross my mind....
Does she judge others as well. Or, are you her chosen victim?
Does she show empathy to others. Or is just something that is not there with her?

 

[PeeWee70]

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[jo-jo]

No offense taken! Thanks!

Fortunately (?) for us, DD saves the majority of her malcontent for those of us that are closest to her - her teachers, coaches, teammates, etc love her to death. She is a teen coach for cheerleading and lacrosse and the kids and adult coaches think she is adorable. She definitely knows when to be rude and when to be nice. Maybe she needs counseling for THAT! Because I do worry about her having issues in the future with significant others if she feels she can be rude to those closest to her, but at the same time, I do see her starting to "catch" herself and re-adjusting her tone or rephrasing her wording, so it may be a maturity issue as well.

Could it be she just knows with whom she can get away with it?

Just like teachers will say your child volunteers to help do X every day at school, while at home you can't get the same child to put the milk in the fridge.

Sorry to say, but many times we don't see who should be important in our lives while everything is rosy. Lose a job, have a health issue , see if she changes her tune.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I do think that you might be on the right track if you are able to step back 'emotionally'.
There is such a thing as being too emotionally vested. And, perhaps this is true, and stepping back will be a big help.
If you are ABLE.
This might be something that is new and a work in progress, so I wouldn't think it would be easy, or quick.
This kind of thing can take time.

I will say that when there are people who do this, behave like this.... They ARE getting something out of it.
They will do this to the person that they know is vulnerable, and that they can get a reaction from.
And, she has been getting this, from you, in spades!!!

DO step back.
DO insist that you be treated with respect, or simply end the interaction IMMEDIATELY.

 

[jo-jo]

I want to sincerely thank everyone who took the time to write something, be it vent themselves or give advice/suggestions. I have thought a lot about this over the years. I actually was on here 10 years ago in the midst of her teenage years asking for advice but results were quite cruel and blaming me for allowing her to be this way. I deleted my account. Trust me I tried to put a stop to it. Things were not always terrible but I've cried too many tears over this. I think it will be easier to separate from her now emotionally that she is an adult, and not living with us. I will always be here for her but I am going to go on, enjoy the things I like to do that I put on hold while raising my children, and try not to let her attitude hurt me as much.

Just hugs.

 

[PeeWee70]

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[Wishing on a star]

Thank you!
PeeWee, The very first thing I want to say is that this is NOT about you being perfect, or not. Or if you were a good parent or a good example.
You seem to be a bit defensive on those fronts.
Even if you were a very much 'imperfect' parent, that is not where you should be looking.

When people mention that you have been 'unconditional', there might be some truth in that.
And, caring for ones children should be, as much as possible, unconditional.

BUT THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE LACK OF REQUIREMENT OF RESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR.

Perhaps that is where there is some confusion.

Unconditional love does NOT mean lack of boundaries, discipline, etc.
And, I am wondering if, for you, somehow that is a big factor.
You do seem to have accepted a lot of disrespectful behavior.
Even GREAT parents do not have to accept (condone, enable) disrespectful behavior.

Now, since I am kind of on two different topics here, I will post a second, separate, post.

 

[Wishing on a star]

About the other factors, about empathy and being judgemental...
It tells me something to know that she does seem to have these factors, overall.

The fact that she knows that she can show these things and get away with those things with you, but not others, tells me that this could possibly some kind of neurological or psychological thing. This could be a big factor.

When this type of situation occurs, the person with the issue has to find what is commonly called a 'chosen victim'.
This is aways somebody who would feel some obligation, and who would have a difficult time backing away or leaving.
It doesn't work to treat people this way when they are in a position to just back off, or walk away.

I am familiar with a couple of these kind of factors, diagnosis...
But I am definitely not any kind of expert. So, I can't really say anything or be more specific.
I just want to give you an idea of how this can be a cause of this kind of thing.

I have one more specific question... If it is okay.
You had mentioned always, always, being there. Even when she was older and driving.
Think about this for a minute, and try to guess... What would her reaction have been if you did not always show up and be there.
How would she have felt. How would she have reacted.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I feel for you and am sorry your relationship is like this with your dd.

I have 3 kids and I understand how what they can say can hurt us a times. I think there is some merit to the saying we show them how to treat us. If we break down easily and cry or show how they are hurting us it either tells them we are weak or we are too emotional and then they are indifferent about how they have affected us. I choose to not break down in front of my kids when they would say something hurtful (did not happen often) I chose to walk way from them giving them time to think about their words or their actions. I am not saying never show them how you feel, when someone dies and you lose your mind from grief, that is one thing but when they are purposefully mean or hurtful and we show them that they aren't getting the better of us that is another thing in my minds eye. At 26 yrs old, i would think that she still has some power over you and you let her have it by crying and showing how she is affecting you. Cut her off. If she is rude, hang up. If she is purposefully hurtful by word, action or text, don't respond to her. She will either get it or she won't. If she doesn't get it then I am not sure what would but you need to decide how your relationship will continue if she is like that always - keep it at arms length or whatever you decide works for you.

Good luck.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

PeeWee, you have done your duty as a parent - you have raised her to be able to take care of herself. You can love her but you don’t have to like her, and you don’t have to put yourself in the position to be treated poorly. You can hang up on her or not interact with her if she’s being a brat. It’s not child abuse or neglect at this point, it’s self respect and self-preservation. Yes, there may be an underlying mental condition, but you can’t force her to seek an evaluation. Distancing yourself doesn’t make you a bad mom. In fact, it makes you a good one because it shows her that it matters how you treat people and it shows your other daughters that moms deserve respect.

 

[PeeWee70]

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