Trip guilt? Update Post 14

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

DH, DS and I have a 16 night trip booked for August. We are all looking forward to it - we have never been to WDW for more than 9 nights, and this trip is a big deal.

BUT...
My mom has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. She is still having some other diagnostics done, and then she sees the oncologist again on May 9 to schedule her surgery. I took DS to visit her earlier this month, we're going back over Memorial Day, and I will go back again whenever she has surgery.

I just feel so guilty about our trip! I feel like I should be sending the money we are setting aside for Disney to my mom because her finances are tight. The thing is, she doesn't manage her money well and if I sent money to her she probably wouldn't use it for bills. And she doesn't want me to send money.

I feel bad that I am excited about going on this big trip when she is ill. I realize a lot of things can happen between now and August. She might be doing fine by then, or we may end up having to cancel the entire trip if she's not doing well. But for now I am excited about the trip and I feel horrible for being excited.

Anybody been there, done that?

 

[LuvOrlando]

I feel badly that you & your family have to deal with your Mom having cancer. I dealt with this a long time ago and although it was not easy I can say there have been amazing advances in treatment. These days things are far less radical and lumpectomies are commonplace.

As for your trip, I know it is hard to deal with cancer but I would not cancel a trip unless things escalate. It sounds like you do not live near enough by to help with her going to & from appointments etc so I don't see how you staying home could help her. If things go badly or she needs you to be with her then a change might be necessary but since its too soon to say I would wait & see.

About helping her out financially,unless she is in dire straits I can't see giving up on a special trip with your family. If it was me dealing with someone whose finances are tight and who is not financially responsible I would consider a gift card. Maybe monthly gift cards in moderate amounts to the local supermarket or even to the local pharmacy where she will be getting her prescriptions filled would help more than cash. The amount does not need to be a grand gesture, I'm sure whatever you do spare would help and would be appreciated.

I really hope the rest of your Mom's tests offer comparably good news.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Thank you for your reply!

It is difficult, and I can't seem to decide what to do. We will have a lot more info in 3 weeks, but the wait is maddening.

I do think the idea of a gift card is a good one! I think she mostly shops at the WalMart super center for groceries and prescriptions (though her meds may actually come from CVS). I can send her a card for WalMart and she can get anything she needs there.

When I go up next month I plan to make sure she has been filing the claims for her cancer insurance - those have to be filed as the bills come in, and she doesn't like to deal with paperwork. The thing is, a lot of her expenses will be covered IF she submits the claims.

Money aside, I still feel ashamed/guilty about planning and anticipating a trip when my mom has such an uncertain summer ahead of her. I guess I need to keep reminding myself that if there is an emergency we can tweak the trip, and if my mom is stable then there is no reason not to have the trip we planned.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

I think you need to take a wait and see attitude here. If all is well with her and she is not having surgery while you are gone, then I say go and enjoy. You will deal with it better if you are rested and happy from your trip. Also, if things do not look well, you can still go maybe just shorten your trip a bit to accommodate what is going on with her..

First and foremost, try not to worry, stay positive for her and help her in whatever way you can. Hugs and prayers...

 

[LeahA]

At this point, I would not cancel your trip until you see how everything progresses. Don't feel guilty about planning a family trip. August is a long time away, I would continue to be excited and plan. Unfortunately we don't know what the future hold for any of us, so I feel you can't just stop your life and hide in a corner, waiting for something bad to happen. If you need to be with your mom at any point, you will be.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Thanks, Mackey & Leah!

Mom had more biopsies done yesterday, so we are waiting for those results now. If they are clear then hopefully her treatment won't be too horrible.

 

[Goofy4]

My dad passed away a couple weeks ago after a 18 month battle with pancreatic cancer. His conditioned worsened after we had booked a trip for early April. The doctors had been cautiously telling us that he would make it well into the Summer, but that was revised after his 2nd round of chemo was not effective and he clearly was losing the fight.

We didn't tell the kids about the trip until just several days prior, thinking that our plans could change rapidly. Even if it looked like we could make the trip I questioned if i would want to go prior to or after his death. He got me started with WDW in 1972, and I knew it would evoke some very strong memories.

We completed our trip several days before he passed, and looking back I'm glad we stuck with it. It was good for the family, and I am very sure Dad would have wanted it that way. I did benefit from knowing that he was in good hands and that he was headed to a better place.

Yes, you can tweak the trip if you need to. The picture will likely be more clear later. Everyone is probably a little different, with the specifics being a little different for each case, but I would stick with it. Thoughts and prayers...

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Goofy4 - I am sorry for your loss.
My mom's biopsies came back benign, which is good, but they want to do more tests on May 22. She goes to the oncologist on Friday so I am hoping he will give her some more concrete information and maybe schedule her surgery. The more conversations I have with her the more obvious it is that she is NOT going to listen to anything I say, so I need to stop beating my head against the wall and try to find some balance between the guilt and the need to keep my own life in the "normal" zone.

 

[Goofy4]

That's good to hear!

Yeah, for a while I was thinking about all angles about why I should not go, and it will wear you down. I think there's a good balance somewhere in there with keeping your energy up so your not half-focused on everything most of the time.

Your points on her not listening are well taken and I'm so sorry that is the case. There may be a time when she does listen, so don't give up! I hope the good news on her health continues!

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Goofy4, I am so sorry to read about your Dad....PC is awful and just so devastating on the family.. Hugs to you..

jackskellingtonsgirl, keep your chin up and go if your Mom is well enough and you can do it without guilt.. Guilt, I think, is a wasted emotion.. too much energy wasted feeling guilty. I say Live your Life and go for the gusto...

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Thank you!

I am starting to feel a little less guilty. She keeps saying I don't even need to go for her surgery, which of course I will go. Unforunately when she saw the oncologist on Friday he wasn't sure what to do next. Her tumor is significantly smaller, which is precisely what they were hoping for with the medication. But now they have to consult with the surgeon and she is out until Wednesday PM. I was hoping for some more definitive plans. Right now I don't feel too bad about my trip. She seems to be doing OK, she works in a school so she will be off the whole summer, her tests have come back favorably so far, and she continues to defy me every chance she gets. So we'll just see!

 

[LuvOrlando]

I think with any illness the loss of control is a huge issue. After all, illness and disease is sort of a betrayal of our bodies. In that light, people's unwillingness to give up any control makes sense. I don't think she means to upset you, nor do I think she doesn't value what you think... instead, maybe she just feels she's already given up too much control to the cancer and an ounce more is an ounce too much.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I think with any illness the loss of control is a huge issue. After all, illness and disease is sort of a betrayal of our bodies. In that light, people's unwillingness to give up any control makes sense. I don't think she means to upset you, nor do I think she doesn't value what you think... instead, maybe she just feels she's already given up too much control to the cancer and an ounce more is an ounce too much.

You know, I think you may have hit on something very valid. My father was not a nice person. He controlled her for almost 40 years, even after they divorced he still called ALL of the shots and she was completely obedient. When he said "Jump." she said "How high?" Seeing her behave that way turned me into the complete opposite - NOBODY controls me, and I made sure I was self-sufficient so my father would never be able to control me by holding things over my head. Ah, dysfunction! He died 2 years ago and she has just been kind of giddy with the freedom, but in a bad way. She isn't good at being organized, managing her money, etc. so she gets defensive when I ask her if she has filed a claim or made a follow up call or whatever. The harder I push, the more resistant she is. I think you are right about her not wanting to relinquish control, I just wish she had more experience with controlling things herself.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Mom had a lumpectomy on 6/17. She seems to have recovered from that pretty well (after some bumps along the way). She had 6 positive lymph nodes, and in one of those the cancer had moved beyond the node so her post-op treatment will be pretty aggressive.

She has some tests on Monday to make sure she can have the chemo drugs they have prescribed. On Tuesday she will have a port put in, and on Thursday she will have her first infusion. She will have the first 4 treatments once every 2 weeks, then they will switch drugs and do 12 more weekly infusions.

I was there for 5 days after her surgery, but I am not able to go back for her chemo. We are still scheduled to leave for WDW on August 1, and I still feel guilty!

I am glad that she will be fnished with her first treatment before we leave, but I am worried about how she will tolerate it.

 

[safetymom]

I'll keep her in my prayers.

 

[LuvOrlando]

You are all in my prayers.

 

[arminnie]

My best friend (who also happens to be in Dallas) had to have a double mastectomy followed by the exact chemo regimen that you described that your mother is going to have. She also had some positive nodes.

The chemo started in January. She had some complications with a staph infection but after that was under control the chemo was not nearly as bad as she thought it might be.

She did lose her hair but it has already grown back to about 1/2 inch. Her daughters both live in Austin so they are not close by her. She has been able to live alone and do great.

She has managed very well during all of this. I did go for a week to help her in late January but that was only because of the staph infection not the chemo.

They have so many drugs now that control the nausea and other side effects for breast cancer chemo.

Best wishes to you all.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Thanks!

I really am hoping for the best. If things go according to schedule she should have her second infusion the day before we leave. That makes me a little nervous. She should only have one infusion while we are gone, though, so that's good. Of course I can call and check on her every day, and I can call her oncologist if I think something is wrong.

Mom is planning to just plow ahead with things. She thinks she will be able to work and just ignore the chemo, which I actually think might be a little TOO optimistic. She works in a school, so she is supposed to start back August 12. I guess we'll see how she feels! I have already told her it is absolutely imperative for her to call her oncologist if she is feeling sick. She will be having Neulasta shots to keep her blood counts up, and I know that can cause pretty severe bone pain. So many factors to consider!

 

[Goofy4]

Yes, she needs to call as soon as she thinks anything might be slightly outside of "normal".

Works in a school? That's a tough one. Wash hands, rinse, repeat!

Have a great vacation! I'm now booked for AKL in June 09! And I did read your pre-trip report! "Nobody reads these..."

Relax, rejuvenate, come home and take care of mom. Prayers to you and your mom.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Go on your trip and when you get back you will feel refreshed to help with Mom..

I hope she can work through this....if she feels well enough, why not.. But with her immune system not in the best shape, she will have to be vigilant about handwashing and maybe even wear a mask to protect herself from all the germs associated with a school....she should discuss with her oncologist..

Take care of you....and stay healthy and come back relaxed to deal with the chemo part of the treatment of your Mom..