We are adopting!

[Hikergirl]

Congrats OP, what a wonderful decision you have made.
If you need financial help I would suggest things like you and your spouse getting a 2nd job, selling some of your possessions and just spend less in general, and if you need help with adoption fees-take out a loan. I realize none of these are "creative", but they are what we all consider doing when starting a family.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

Congratulations
I would suggest becoming educated about the additional emotional support for yourself & your husband/partner as well as the child/children you are adopting.
The excitement & energy of bringing a new child into a family are life changing. The future emotional needs of that child & the support YOU may need are almost never spoken about.
Many adopted children feel a profound sense of loss, shame & abandonment as they grow up. If you are considering adopting an older child or a child that has been in foster care services, expect anger & manipulation. A 2 year old physically & emotionally neglected child that has had little to no stability in their world & that can't verbalize those feeling will scream, hit themselves, hit you, throw things. You will be exhausted & feel defeated & that same child will come to you & want to sit on your lap & play peek-a boo & get tickled only to have the whole process repeat the next day...& the next...& the next.
Many Disney movies actually deal with themes of adoption & abandonment, just something I find interesting.
I am the adoptive mom of 2 beautiful daughters, 1 of which is having a terribly hard time right now.

 

[aprilgail]

Congratulations
I would suggest becoming educated about the additional emotional support for yourself & your husband/partner as well as the child/children you are adopting.
The excitement & energy of bringing a new child into a family are life changing. The future emotional needs of that child & the support YOU may need are almost never spoken about.
Many adopted children feel a profound sense of loss, shame & abandonment as they grow up. If you are considering adopting an older child or a child that has been in foster care services, expect anger & manipulation. 1 of which is having a terribly hard time right now.

I am sorry for your daughter having a hard time. I am in a few adoptee groups and most of us in there have abandonment issues- I was adopted at birth but still felt a sense a loss my whole life- and what does not help is people telling you that you should be grateful for the great family you were adopted into- yes I was very happy to have had the family that I did but it in no way negates the feeling for the one that I "lost". I had the best childhood-I know it, parents great, nice house in the suburbs, vacations every year, dad was my softball team manager, pool in the yard, pets etc- but still had the feeling of abandonment and not really belonging my whole life. My parents were always upfront with the fact I was adopted which was the best thing they could have done. My dad passed away when I was 21 which made it even worse. Eventually I was able to find my birth mother, and I had my moms support doing so, and then had a relationship with her from around 1995-(she passed away this past Nov.) and I felt more at peace than I ever had my whole life-this past year I found my bio dad who had passed away in 1999 but I got pics of him so that was cool. I know that the whole adoption thing effected all my relationships over the years, I never really trusted anyone to stick around. My brother on the other hand was also adopted (different family) and has no desire to find his bio family-though he is unable to be in any long term relationship so who knows. Well that was long- I basically wanted to just say good luck to you with your daughter.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

I am sorry for your daughter having a hard time. I am in a few adoptee groups and most of us in there have abandonment issues- I was adopted at birth but still felt a sense a loss my whole life- and what does not help is people telling you that you should be grateful for the great family you were adopted into- yes I was very happy to have had the family that I did but it in no way negates the feeling for the one that I "lost". I had the best childhood-I know it, parents great, nice house in the suburbs, vacations every year, dad was my softball team manager, pool in the yard, pets etc- but still had the feeling of abandonment and not really belonging my whole life. My parents were always upfront with the fact I was adopted which was the best thing they could have done. My dad passed away when I was 21 which made it even worse. Eventually I was able to find my birth mother, and I had my moms support doing so, and then had a relationship with her from around 1995-(she passed away this past Nov.) and I felt more at peace than I ever had my whole life-this past year I found my bio dad who had passed away in 1999 but I got pics of him so that was cool. I know that the whole adoption thing effected all my relationships over the years, I never really trusted anyone to stick around. My brother on the other hand was also adopted (different family) and has no desire to find his bio family-though he is unable to be in any long term relationship so who knows. Well that was long- I basically wanted to just say good luck to you with your daughter.

I am very sorry about all of the loss you have had in your life. You are a very strong person to navigate all of the emotions that come with each of these relationships. I thank you for your kind thoughts about my daughter. My daughter's bio family came back into her life without my consent (via Facebook, then in person), I caught on quick but she was not emotionally prepared for those doors to be opened.

 

[PlainJane]

I hate to break it to some of the people here but while some kids are given up for adoption out of love some are also given up because they are unwanted. The world isn't all unicorns and parades, some really crappy people give birth and don't want their kids. Some are given up voluntarily, some are taken from them against their will because they are just garbage parents. Some area also literally abandoned and left to die because their parent is more interested in their next fix than taking care of the life they created. Hopefully those kids are found in time and turned over to CPS but that doesn't always happen. It is what it is.

Good luck OP. Becoming a parent no matter what road you take to get there, is an exciting new chapter in life.

I’m completely aware that not all kids come from loving and caring birth parents. I don’t recall anyone claiming that to be the case. Adults are generally smart of enough to not use words like “unwanted” in front of an adopted child, but they will often say it in front of their child who will then say it to someone like my brother and make them feel worthless. I’m sure it’s also a punch in the gut to read/hear such words when you have placed a child you wanted but couldn’t take care of, this is about sensitivity not being naive.

 

[aprilgail]

I am very sorry about all of the loss you have had in your life. You are a very strong person to navigate all of the emotions that come with each of these relationships. I thank you for your kind thoughts about my daughter. My daughter's bio family came back into her life without my consent (via Facebook, then in person), I caught on quick but she was not emotionally prepared for those doors to be opened.

By the time i found them i was over 30 and ready- i think if i had found when i was 18 it would have not gone so smoothly as i was no where near mature enough to handle that. Is your daughter over 18?

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

By the time i found them i was over 30 and ready- i think if i had found when i was 18 it would have not gone so smoothly as i was no where near mature enough to handle that. Is your daughter over 18?

She was a week shy of her 17th birthday & totally lacking the maturity to handle it. She is now 18 & having a very tough time.
I always figured the time would come when she might seek them out or vice versa. I thought I would be there from the beginning to guide & protect her but that is not how it happened. The bio family was sneaky & covert with an agenda to turn her against our family.

 

[mom2rtk]

She was a week shy of her 17th birthday & totally lacking the maturity to handle it. She is now 18 & having a very tough time.
I always figured the time would come when she might seek them out or vice versa. I thought I would be there from the beginning to guide & protect her but that is not how it happened. The bio family was sneaky & covert with an agenda to turn her against our family.

That's terrible. I'm so sorry she's dealing with it.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

Deleted-wrong thread.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

That's terrible. I'm so sorry she's dealing with it.

Me too, thanks for caring. It has been a tough time. When one of your kids is hurting, you want to take all of that heartache for them.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I apologize for my poor choice of words. I was thinking of the particular circumstances I'm familiar with, but I realize all situations aren't the same. It wasn't my intention to offend anyone or make anyone feel bad. I really just wanted to offer encouragement to the OP.

 

[aprilgail]

She was a week shy of her 17th birthday & totally lacking the maturity to handle it. She is now 18 & having a very tough time.
I always figured the time would come when she might seek them out or vice versa. I thought I would be there from the beginning to guide & protect her but that is not how it happened. The bio family was sneaky & covert with an agenda to turn her against our family.

It is hard enough being a teenage girl without adding all those emotions into the mix! My daughter is a donor child and at 15 she decided the time was right to try to find him- she was pretty level headed and mature for 15 and we did it together. I drove her from NY to Arizona and we went to meet him together. In her case it worked out because to her he is not her father just a donor but she wanted to know who he was and get her long list of questions from him answered. From being adopted I knew her need and I wanted to be there to help her find her answers- your daughters bio family did it all the wrong way and with her being a minor and them sneaking it was totally wrong. Hope everything works out for you.

 

[princess sparkle p]

Hi all. I cannot express my thanks for all the well wishes and positive words of encouragement! Please know how much I appreciate all of them!!! I turned to the boards with only well intentions, believing and knowing there are people here with great and resourceful tools. I appreciate all of your suggestions and personal stories. There are a lot of suggestions we are already doing and some new ones that are great. We have taken some extremes to get creative with money and its helping, but I came here for more ideas. Ya' never know what you are not thinking of that others can give helpful suggestions regarding. It is that simple for me.

I worked with the county foster care system for many years. There are some amazing foster and adoptive families out there! And even more amazing KIDS!

We have been super busy the past few days, while a time in my life a while ago allowed me more time on the boards, right now my other life commitments do not. IE work and taking care of my family. My mom had 2 unexpected surgeries in the last few days. Geesh! Realize I have no ill intent. Leave your unkind and judgmental comments elsewhere. Who has time for that!

I placed my question on the budget board and here, 2 places I am not sure at all how that is spam.

 

[princess sparkle p]

As an adoptee all I can suggest is saving all info on bio parents for the child and have open adoption if possible.

Absolutely! This is such an important thing. Kiddos need to have this info and I believe an open relationship is paramount for the family. I have seen some amazing things with open adoptions. Thanks for the feedback.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

It is hard enough being a teenage girl without adding all those emotions into the mix! My daughter is a donor child and at 15 she decided the time was right to try to find him- she was pretty level headed and mature for 15 and we did it together. I drove her from NY to Arizona and we went to meet him together. In her case it worked out because to her he is not her father just a donor but she wanted to know who he was and get her long list of questions from him answered. From being adopted I knew her need and I wanted to be there to help her find her answers- your daughters bio family did it all the wrong way and with her being a minor and them sneaking it was totally wrong. Hope everything works out for you.

Thank you & I'm glad it worked out for your daughter (& you!). The thing is that the "pull" is so great to connect with a biological mother (especially) & father (secondary) that once that wheel was in motion, there was/is no stopping it once it started. Her bio family has done everything wrong & my daughter is suffering because of it & can't see the light through the trees.

 

[princess sparkle p]

I prefer to think of myself as loved and wanted by two mothers - the one who loved me enough to give me a chance at better life and the one who gave me the better life ....

Yes! Yes! Yes! So true! Hubby and I were discussing this. You have 2 families, always and forever.

 

[mousefan73]

I know nothing about adoption just feel it‘s a shame that it can be so expensive. Have heard from friends it‘s serious money. Almost sickening as it seems like a business. I can understand some costs, travel and lawyers but it is insane.

 

[Marchand63]

As an adoptee all I can suggest is saving all info on bio parents for the child and have open adoption if possible.

You can have all your pertinent info without an open adoption. I am an adoptee and am sooo glad mine was closed. I have never had an desire to contact my bios. Why? They made an adult decision that they thought best for me, now I need to disrupt & insert myself in their lives years later. It would be like just moving into someones random house.

seriously? geez you do know that many many children given up for adoption ARE wanted- but the birth mother may find herself in a position that she can not care for that child, or she feels the child would be better off with parents that could better take care of the child even though she did very much want the child.

I’m completely aware that not all kids come from loving and caring birth parents. I don’t recall anyone claiming that to be the case. Adults are generally smart of enough to not use words like “unwanted” in front of an adopted child, but they will often say it in front of their child who will then say it to someone like my brother and make them feel worthless. I’m sure it’s also a punch in the gut to read/hear such words when you have placed a child you wanted but couldn’t take care of, this is about sensitivity not being naive.

Their is a difference between a post on a random board and the verbal abuse of a child. I don't think there was an adopted child in front of her as she was posting, kind of a leap there. And yes most pregnancies that end in adoption were "unwanted" oopsies. Like me.

I apologize for my poor choice of words. I was thinking of the particular circumstances I'm familiar with, but I realize all situations aren't the same. It wasn't my intention to offend anyone or make anyone feel bad. I really just wanted to offer encouragement to the OP.

I don't think an apology is warranted. I think everyone with an adult brain knew what you meant. Some just need to pick apart the semantics of every post.

 

[PlainJane]

I apologize for my poor choice of words. I was thinking of the particular circumstances I'm familiar with, but I realize all situations aren't the same. It wasn't my intention to offend anyone or make anyone feel bad. I really just wanted to offer encouragement to the OP.

Thank you I know people say these things completely unintentionally. I’m sorry for not acknowledging that I knew the intent of your post was not bad, and only trying to be supportive. Adoptions have become very expensive. Sometimes my husband will mention adoption and I don’t even know where to start because it’s so much more complicated and often more expensive than when my brother was adopted.