Severely need advice

[Anonymous123]

Hi. I have an issue that I seriously need help with. My husband has been hiding alcohol containers from me for years and I’m about to my end with it.

We’ve been together for 9 years and married for 3 of those. We’re both under 30 so not very old. I never really thought he had an issue with alcohol but this is really worrying me. We drank some in high school but once we got to college we said we wouldn’t drink anymore. I never noticed him drinking until we rented our first house. I started noticing the bottles in the basement and he said they were from the previous renters. I kind of just gave him the benefit of the doubt because he never seemed to act weird.

Fast forward to us buying our own house and I still am not drinking at all. Dh says he wants to drink occasionally which I was against but I tried being okay with a couple here and there. I then found A LOT of hidden bottles and cans in our basement like he had stockpiled them over time. There were times he would wake up and not know what he was doing or what he was saying. He woke up once and puked all over the bed. After talking to a doctor she told him it was depression and lack of sleep. So we went off that and worked on those issues but the “loopiness” continued.

Fast forward again and we moved to a new house across the country with no family nearby. I don’t have anyone here to talk to about this except texting with my parents. It got so bad one night that I left and went to a hotel. The thing is he doesn’t appear to be drinking very much. When he’s around me it’s just 3-4 beers and that shouldn’t affect him but his words start slurring and he gets sooo annoying. He talks nonstop and switches moods like crazy. My parents visited not too long ago and witnessed him starting to act a little different after having a few beers. Dh and I had a long talk and agreed we would both work on our issues: me not controlling what he drinks so he can be in control and him working on his control.

Tonight I went to workout for 45 minutes and came back to an annoying Dh. I didn’t smell alcohol on his breath but he had gum and ate mints. I asked if he had anything to drink and he said no that he was just tired. I practically had to force him to go to bed since he works tomorrow morning. I then went to search the garage and found 4 beer cans and a small bottle of fireball in a red cooler in his trunk. I know he had those tonight because I just put that red cooler away today in our kitchen. He woke up and said he was going to the bathroom. None of his sentences made sense and he had no idea what he was saying.

Here’s the kicker: I’m 7 weeks pregnant and I just can’t do this anymore. I am so stressed all the time waiting for the next time he’ll act “loopy”. I don’t get why so few drinks can affect him the way it does. He refuses to go see someone and thinks he has it under control but he clearly doesn’t.

Is there any hope? I’m severely close to flying back home and living with my parents but I love him so much and I just can’t think about leaving him.

 

[starry_solo]

So he seems to have a problem with alcohol and doesn't want to admit it. You cannot help him until he is willing to admit his issues.

Does his drinking cause other problems? Your parents said that they have noticed he acts differently after drinking but how so?

 

[low-key]

yes there is hope, he is a functional Alcoholic (holds down a job), sometimes having a kid, when he holds him in his arms, that changes things. If he holding his job,,and you have a kid on the way, I would keep going, and see if things change, maybe even get help (when he ready)

 

[elsbit]

He is an alcoholic. He won't change his ways until he is ready to. I would suggest counseling for both of you.

 

[disneychrista]

Honestly unless HE wants to get help there isn't much you can do.

If you are to the point that you are ready to leave, then you need to have a talk with him. But you also have to be prepared to follow through.

 

[Anonymous123]

So he seems to have a problem with alcohol and doesn't want to admit it. You cannot help him until he is willing to admit his issues.

Does his drinking cause other problems? Your parents said that they have noticed he acts differently after drinking but how so?

But I can’t just keep sitting around and waiting when I have a kid on the way. I cried for an hour tonight after finding those cans and the bottle. All of this stress can’t be good for the baby and could likely lead to a miscarriage. We’ve talked through our issues and he always says he’ll change but I just don’t see it.

His drinking causes many problems because he is unaware of his surroundings and doesn’t make any sense when he talks. My parents noticed him stumbling some and starting to slur his words. He blames this on his lisp.

 

[Anonymous123]

yes there is hope, he is a functional Alcoholic (holds down a job), sometimes having a kid, when he holds him in his arms, that changes things. If he holding his job,,and you have a kid on the way, I would keep going, and see if things change, maybe even get help (when he ready)

I’m not sure I can wait and go through with this for 8 more months. I can’t keep sitting on my couch crying for hours by myself

 

[VandVsmama]

Your H is an alcoholic. It's going to get a lot worse before he gets better. Honestly? You need to leave him. But if you choose not to, don't EVER leave him alone around your baby once the baby is born because your H is basically drunk all of the time. He's a pretty serious alcoholic, too, if he's hiding it as much as he is.

 

[AllyReggie]

Here's your tough love advice. I wont sugar coat it, I have been a part of a very large "mommy & mommy-to-be" forum for a long time, so my ability to sweeten the truth has worn down.

You DH is selfish, ashamed of himself and manipulating your trust and goodwill.

You need to have a talk with DH about what he wants out of life, and out of your relationship. Clearly the way he is behaving, drinking or not, is not tolerable with a child on the way. He can't wake up puking or unintelligible with an infant in the house. You. Just. Can't. He will need to be 50% responsible for this child and 100% responsible for himself. Neither of which seem likely.

And if you have complications? Your baby has complications? Post Partum Depression is REALLY common, believe it or not and take it from me, that junk requires LOTS of spousal and familial support. Would he be capable of supporting you and caring for a baby if you are facing PPD? Or Post Partum Anxiety?

To me, it sounds like he has some serious depression, and regardless of if he is medicating with alcohol, he is clearly medicating with SOMETHING that is making him act in a way that you cannot tolerate. It could be a combination of pills, drugs, alcohol or any number of issues. The end line is the same: What he is doing now wont work for you, and so you have two options:

1. Confront him, give him the option to get help or get out.
2. Accept that the person you married will not be a full partner in your relationship and live with that resentment.

You have to be willing to walk away if you choose option 1. That is 100% on you. If you tell him he cannot behave this way anymore, but don't follow through, he will know that you can always be persuaded to let him stay, that his behavior is not bad enough to lose you. You have to be willing to walk away, baby and all and separate from him if he cannot change. It may not be the alcohol that is truly doing the harm, but his attitude and behavior absolutely HAVE to change.

Therapy, AA, Anti Depressants, Yoga whatever he has to do to straighten up and fly right. But he has to do something to change or you need to gtfo.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Even if he doesn't go to counseling , you still go so you learn how to deal with it. There is hope, and my prayers are with you.

 

[wgeo]

Your husband is not getting that drunk off 3 or 4 beers. That is mearly the alcohol that he's letting you see him drink. From your descriptions it is quite clear he is drinking other alcohol in secret to get to the stage that he is slurring his words, getting sick etc. He knows he's hiding this from you.

You had some choices when you werent' pregnant, but things have changed. What happens if you wake up in the middle of the night and need to go to the hospital? He can't be trusted to drive. What happens if you ever need to leave the house after the baby is born? He can't be trusted alone with the baby.

Counseling is a must. If you can find a way to talk to him about it again that would be good. If he admits that he has another secret stash that he is breaking into - other then his beers that you see him drink - then maybe he would be willing to go to counseling. It IS possible for alcoholics to get help, but only if they want it. If he does NOT admit to the extra drinking, than he is not able/willing to seek help at this point and you've got some hard decisions ahead.

I am very sorry that you are going through this.

 

[EMom]

He’s an alcoholic. He’s drinking MUCH more than you see. He could well be drinking on the way home from work and tossing those containers. I wouldn’t get in a car with him at the wheel for love nor money. He is lying to you and probably to himself. I wouldn’t wish an alcoholic parent on any child. You cannot be his disciplinarian when it comes to alcohol. Only he can do that and as of now, he doesn’t want to. If he didn’t get into rehab ASAP, I’d be out the door, especially if I was pregnant. I’ve been around enough alcoholics to know I couldn’t live with one. Good luck.

 

[Anonymous123]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I think some of what I said got turned into a little more severe than it actually is. He’s only gotten sick twice in the last 3 years. It’s not like he throws up every week or anything like that. I’m not making excuses for him but don’t want anyone thinking it’s a regular thing. Both times were after he fell asleep.

The whole not knowing what he’s saying or doing only happens after he’s been asleep and wakes up again after sleeping for about an hour or less. It’s always when he wakes up and has to go to the bathroom. Again this doesn’t happen all the time but happens more frequently than the puking. It only happens when he forgets to go to the bathroom before bed.

The thing that I’ve been noticing more often is the free talking and mood swings. It’s gotten to the point where I dread weekends because that’s when I notice it most. He’ll come home from work on Friday and talk nonstop. Normally he’s a quieter guy and he says that’s because I talk so much (which I’ve been working on because I really do talk too much). He’ll get all lovey and then when he notices I’m annoyed and don’t respond he’ll say “fine I just won’t talk” and gets pouty. This literally happens like every weekend now. It’s like he’s a child. When he gets this way I just try to force him to go to bed.

I typed up a huge email but I’m thinking I won’t send it to him. It’s probably better if we talk in person. I’m currently laying on our couch because I just can’t go lay by him in bed. I’m sure he’ll wake up in the morning and be confused. I’m not sure how I’ll confront him tomorrow but I plan to wait until after work so he doesn’t have to deal with it at work

I guess I’m just wondering if it really is alcohol related or something else is going on? He’s talked to doctors and they’ve told him it’s sleep or depression, but never alcohol related. So that’s what he believes

 

[low-key]

does he hold down a job, if he dont work, cut him loose

 

[Elle23]

If it were me, I’d give him an ultimatum: he gets help and stops drinking or you leave.

A child is no reason to stay in a relationship like that. In fact, I believe a child is the reason to get OUT of a relationship like that. You have someone else to think about and protect besides yourself now.

I’m sorry you are going through that. Take care of yourself and your baby.

 

[disneychrista]

Is your DH on any medication that might be affected by alcohol consumption? This might explain the behavior.

This is not something to be done via email. You need to TALK to him, unless you are afraid he will become physical. If you afraid get the heck out. Protect yourself and your unborn baby.

 

[mummabear]

I guess I’m just wondering if it really is alcohol related or something else is going on? He’s talked to doctors and they’ve told him it’s sleep or depression, but never alcohol related. So that’s what he believes

I am so sorry that you are in this situation.
If they think it could be sleep related then could he try a sleep clinic.
At the end if the day he doesnt sound like someone great to be around for you and the baby right now.
As others have said it sounds like he wouldnt be in a state to help you if you need to be rushed to the hospital and once the baby arrives I woukdnt trust him alone with the baby.
If it is stress or depression related the baby could have a negative effect on that as well, particularly if you have a difficult or colicky baby. I am a pretty hally relaxed person and I was nearly suicidal from our first.

How I would respond would depend on his willingness to try and solve things, if he is concerned and trying I would stay.
If he thinks it is no big deal then I would leave

 

[VandVsmama]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I think some of what I said got turned into a little more severe than it actually is. He’s only gotten sick twice in the last 3 years. It’s not like he throws up every week or anything like that. I’m not making excuses for him but don’t want anyone thinking it’s a regular thing. Both times were after he fell asleep.

The whole not knowing what he’s saying or doing only happens after he’s been asleep and wakes up again after sleeping for about an hour or less. It’s always when he wakes up and has to go to the bathroom. Again this doesn’t happen all the time but happens more frequently than the puking. It only happens when he forgets to go to the bathroom before bed.

The thing that I’ve been noticing more often is the free talking and mood swings. It’s gotten to the point where I dread weekends because that’s when I notice it most. He’ll come home from work on Friday and talk nonstop. Normally he’s a quieter guy and he says that’s because I talk so much (which I’ve been working on because I really do talk too much). He’ll get all lovey and then when he notices I’m annoyed and don’t respond he’ll say “fine I just won’t talk” and gets pouty. This literally happens like every weekend now. It’s like he’s a child. When he gets this way I just try to force him to go to bed.

I typed up a huge email but I’m thinking I won’t send it to him. It’s probably better if we talk in person. I’m currently laying on our couch because I just can’t go lay by him in bed. I’m sure he’ll wake up in the morning and be confused. I’m not sure how I’ll confront him tomorrow but I plan to wait until after work so he doesn’t have to deal with it at work

I guess I’m just wondering if it really is alcohol related or something else is going on? He’s talked to doctors and they’ve told him it’s sleep or depression, but never alcohol related. So that’s what he believes

But here's the thing...in the above post, you ARE making excuses for him. That is essentially enabling the problem. All of the above excuses are basically you trying to convince yourself that the problem is not as bad as it seems. It IS that bad.

 

[AllyReggie]

But here's the thing...in the above post, you ARE making excuses for him. That is essentially enabling the problem. All of the above excuses are basically you trying to convince yourself that the problem is not as bad as it seems. It IS that bad.

ALL THE FREAKING THIS.

You are understandably afraid of the truth, and the truth is you told us very little of the overall problem. He drinks, a few beers. He slurs his words at night sometimes, and he has thrown up in your bed. He has hidden bottles from you and made it clear that this is something he wants to continue regardless of how it clearly makes you feel.

Even if you were embellishing HALF of that, a grown man doesn't hide his beer bottles from his wife. A grown man doesn't need to, because a grown man who is capable of controlling his impulses would say "Well, my wife doesn't like my drinking, but I am an adult and can make that choice for myself, so I will put my beer and alcohol empties in the containers they belong in." And if that cause confrontation, he'd deal with it.

None of this is the actions of a man in control. And you are (rightly) afraid to admit that the man you married is not behaving like a man, and is behaving like an addict and a selfish manipulative abuser. I say this earnestly, not because I think he abuses you purposefully, but because his actions hurt you, and he seems to not be interested in changing to stop that hurt.

You have a choice to make. Leave him or don't. Those are your only options. If you chose not to leave him and cannot get help from your community for him, you need to get help for yourself because regardless of WHAT is making him act the way he is, he cannot be responsible for another person. Not you and certainly not your child.

 

[OKW8297]

Please look for an Al Anon chapter for you. You need to be with other people who love alcoholics. He is an alcoholic. Others have given you wonderful advice. Remember. It’s not just about you now either. You can’t make him change, HE has to want to, and frankly, it doesn’t look like he wants to. You tried to minimize his behavior but frankly, there’s no being a little bit of an alcoholic just like there is no being a little bit pregnant. Wishing you the bes.