Severely need advice

[luvsJack]

After having dealt with one alcoholic, I would personally recommend running for the hills.

You don’t know if he is an alcoholic. You can not determine that from a post on the dis.

 

[Disney Doll]

Wrong grandfather. My father’s father never drank.

Yes it’s worthwhile to be aware of it but first it would be best for it to be determined if he is an alcoholic and not one person on this thread can make that determination.

Everyone is jumping the gun and deciding maybe is on drugs, he is an alcoholic, he is bi polar (which also isn’t the same with every person plus there are many disorders that mimic bi polar), and he has a toxic mom.

They need counseling, that is for sure. But she doesn’t need anyone deciding all these things are wrong with her husband. I mean, she comes here worried about alcohol and someone starts talking about possible drug use. If she listened to half of this, she would running for the hills!

And she should be, because this is not going to end well.

If it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

All the found hidden bottles that were actually a year's worth (or not) , putting bottles in a cooler in the trunk because you were stopping drinking, a wife who decided they both would no longer drink, a pregnancy, slurring of words after a few beers, now being asked to give up alcohol for a month......

If this is all legit it sounds like a train wreck. OP, all I can say is good luck as it sounds like there a lot of lies and high handedness going on along with a husband who is too scared of you to let his wishes be known. My first impression from your comments of his actions after a few beers is he is adding hard liquor or mixing with drugs. Hope I am wrong, but I do believe there is a lot being hidden from you and your husband is too afraid to tell you the truth.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Of course nobody here can make one specific diagnosis.
That is no reason to disregard these very very very obvious problems.
The OP's husband has shown the classic and obvious signs of some very serious issues. (as has she)
The OP's husband has done nothing to indicate that he could be trusted, and has in fact proven that he is not to be trusted.

Sorry, LuvsJack, but lack of a bona-fide diagnosis is no justification.
When there is a vulnerable pregnant young woman and a new innocent baby at stake, this is not the time to ignore the issues and make the wrong decisions.

I agree with everyone here, if the two of them are not seeking some real and bona-fide medical and psychological help, as in TODAY, I would also recommend looking at ways out "running for the hills", for my own, and my child's, best interests.

 

[Anonymous123]

All the found hidden bottles that were actually a year's worth (or not) , putting bottles in a cooler in the trunk because you were stopping drinking, a wife who decided they both would no longer drink, a pregnancy, slurring of words after a few beers, now being asked to give up alcohol for a month......

If this is all legit it sounds like a train wreck. OP, all I can say is good luck as it sounds like there a lot of lies and high handedness going on along with a husband who is too scared of you to let his wishes be known. My first impression from your comments of his actions after a few beers is he is adding hard liquor or mixing with drugs. Hope I am wrong, but I do believe there is a lot being hidden from you and your husband is too afraid to tell you the truth.

I did not ask him to stop drinking for a month. That was something he decided on his own. He wanted to see if it made him feel healthier and wanted to find other ways to destress.

Last night we sat down together and found a website to start off with. It listed 5 simple things to do every single week and we are starting with that. It also listed the 4 main issues in a relationship and we definitely exhibit some of them. We went through some practice examples together and talked about how we could respond in a more positive way.

 

[EMom]

I did not ask him to stop drinking for a month. That was something he decided on his own. He wanted to see if it made him feel healthier and wanted to find other ways to destress.

Last night we sat down together and found a website to start off with. It listed 5 simple things to do every single week and we are starting with that. It also listed the 4 main issues in a relationship and we definitely exhibit some of them. We went through some practice examples together and talked about how we could respond in a more positive way.

You only have 7 months MAX to get this train wreck sorted out. Looking up ideas on the internet isn't going to cut it. Self help is not sufficient. You both need to get professional help yesterday. He needs to go to the doctor (with you along) to verify he's being truthful, and tell them EVERYTHING. Then you both need counseling.

The way you are doing things now is a recipe for failure and your baby will pay the price for your rose colored glasses. He's going to do just enough to get you off his back. Will you fall for it? Start putting your child's needs first.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

You only have 7 months MAX to get this train wreck sorted out. Looking up ideas on the internet isn't going to cut it. Self help is not sufficient. You both need to get professional help yesterday. He needs to go to the doctor (with you along) to verify he's being truthful, and tell them EVERYTHING. Then you both need counseling.

The way you are doing things now is a recipe for failure and your baby will pay the price for your rose colored glasses. He's going to do just enough to get you off his back. Will you fall for it? Start putting your child's needs first.

To piggyback off of this, I’m guessing that whatever you’ve found on the internet is relating to very broad relationship issues like making time for one another and improving communication styles. One partner practices techniques for responding in a less critical way and the other learns to be less defensive. Things like that are not going to be helpful for sorting out the problems specific to your situation, let alone getting to the root of where these issue stem from and why they persist.

For example, you may recognize that you try to control him and want to take steps to stop doing that, but do you know why you do that and how that controlling tendency came to be? He may recognize he’s a pushover, but doing exercises to practice standing up for himself is not going to be effective in the long term if he doesn’t figure out why he’s more comfortable bending to other people’s whims than taking charge of his own life. You’ve been together nearly a decade and the dysfunctional dynamics have become deeply entrenched. You both need to change yourselves if you hope to change the relationship.

What you two are doing right now is trying to treat the symptoms when you need to be going deeper to find and treat the cause. A therapist will have a much better perspective on this situation and will be a far more effective source of help than “Recognize These Common Relationship Mistakes” articles online.

 

[disneychrista]

I did not ask him to stop drinking for a month. That was something he decided on his own. He wanted to see if it made him feel healthier and wanted to find other ways to destress.

I applaud his decision to take a break from alcohol. I did it twice this year, in January and since mid-June. Please understand that this may not be something he can do on his own. It is tough habit to stop, even if addiction isn't involved. When you have been using alcohol as a stress reliever you really have to be sure you have other coping mechanisms in place.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Your husband is not getting that drunk off 3 or 4 beers. That is mearly the alcohol that he's letting you see him drink. From your descriptions it is quite clear he is drinking other alcohol in secret to get to the stage that he is slurring his words, getting sick etc. He knows he's hiding this from you.

Exactly this. I grew up with BOTH parents being alcoholics. Yes, BOTH of them. Ive seen it all. This is clearly what he's doing....he's hiding alcohol from you. You think he's getting drunk fast, but he's not. He's drinking behind your back...there's more that you arent aware of. Maybe mixing drugs with alcohol even.

One thing i learned is that you cannot help someone who doesnt want to stop drinking. My mom learned when it was too late....she died of liver cirrhosis two years ago. She stopped a year before her death, but by then it was too late. I hope he smartens up and stops for good. You two definitely need counselling as you have a baby on the way. Good luck.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, looking at something on the internet will have absolutely NO power or ability to address and solve the types of medical and psychological issues that you see to be describing. As some here have said, the both of you need some real and professional help.
IMHO, it really does sound like you are looking for ways to justify and minimize this situation.
As you have, ever since you led off here with your original post, using the word 'SEVERE'.

You use that word, and then, after that, continue to excuse, blame, justify, minimize, etc.. etc....
(Ohhh, no big deal... we looked something up on the internet.)
That is just 100% classic denial and minimization.

Many people know that the very first step to being able to work on a solve these types of serious problems is to be able to see, and to ADMIT that these problems are very real.
We have all heard the classic beginning to 12 step type programs... "Hello, I am ___________ and I am an......."

I can only repeat what has been said here before.
You need some very real and professional help with these complex issues.
NO way around it.

 

[luvsJack]

And she should be, because this is not going to end well.

If it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.

Except when looks like a duck, walks like a duck and is actually a goose. They need to see a professional.

He and/or the OP needs to look at what makes up an alcoholic and see if he fits that and then move on from there. If he is an alcoholic, then he can decide what will help him. A 12 Step Program, Rehab (in patient or out patient), psychiatric care, or any number of other addiction programs.

And if, they will do these things, it could very well "end well". There are recovery stories by the thousands. My own dad went to rehab (12 step program didn't work for him) after my son was born. For the next 14 years, he was the best father and grandfather a man could be and he was sober for every bit of it. The OP will just have to decide the best course of action for her and her situation, IF he is in recovery.

 

[luvsJack]

Of course nobody here can make one specific diagnosis.
That is no reason to disregard these very very very obvious problems.
The OP's husband has shown the classic and obvious signs of some very serious issues. (as has she)
The OP's husband has done nothing to indicate that he could be trusted, and has in fact proven that he is not to be trusted.

Sorry, LuvsJack, but lack of a bona-fide diagnosis is no justification.
When there is a vulnerable pregnant young woman and a new innocent baby at stake, this is not the time to ignore the issues and make the wrong decisions.

I agree with everyone here, if the two of them are not seeking some real and bona-fide medical and psychological help, as in TODAY, I would also recommend looking at ways out "running for the hills", for my own, and my child's, best interests.

". . . and make the wrong decisions". Exactly.

What I am saying is they need to go to the help you are telling them to go to and GET that diagnosis, not listen to everyone here and make decisions. Because THOSE will be the wrong ones. I am not saying he isn't an alcoholic. He may be. But YOU don't know just from this post.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I continue to disagree with your post above.
Don't post like we might be on the same page, when we are not.
Given that they have taken absolutely no steps to get any real diagnosis or treatment or counseling, etc...
(Ohhhh, wait a minute, she looked something up on the internet... Ohhhh okay then....)
Now, or very very very soon, could actually be the time for her to take actions on her own.

I am basing my comments on what we DO seem to know.

 

[luvsJack]

I did not ask him to stop drinking for a month. That was something he decided on his own. He wanted to see if it made him feel healthier and wanted to find other ways to destress.

Last night we sat down together and found a website to start off with. It listed 5 simple things to do every single week and we are starting with that. It also listed the 4 main issues in a relationship and we definitely exhibit some of them. We went through some practice examples together and talked about how we could respond in a more positive way.

I think what you are doing is great, but you really need to go see a professional at least once. If he doesn't want to go, go by yourself. Talking to someone will help clear your head and that person will be able to see things more from outside the marriage.

I have dealt with those that drink. Its not fun. And I have seen men that are mean when they are drinking, some can be the kindest most gentle men when they aren't drinking and do a quick "Mr Hyde" when they are. I was lucky, none of the drinkers in my life were like that. But I have a friend who dealt with it. You don't want you or your child to go through that. If that is the case with your husband, have a plan of where to go and let him know that you will go there if he acts violent in any way.

Maybe he can not drink for the month of September and all will be well. Just don't push everything under the rug to make it that way. Be honest with yourself about what is happening.

And don't automatically disbelieve him but don't automatically believe everything he says. If he says he is getting drunk off 3 beers, tell him he needs to see a dr. about why so little alcohol is having such a bad effect on him. (and this is true, actually). If he says he isn't drinking, don't keep searching the house for bottles and cans but keep a sharp eye to see if you notice anything.

 

[luvsJack]

I continue to disagree with your post above.
Don't post like we might be on the same page, when we are not.
Given that they have taken absolutely no steps to get any real diagnosis or treatment or counseling, etc...
(Ohhhh, wait a minute, she looked something up on the internet... Ohhhh okay then....)
Now, or very very very soon, could actually be the time for her to take actions on her own.

I am basing my comments on what we DO seem to know.

Disagree all you want.

The fact is you do not know if this man is an alcoholic or not. He will have to determine that. You can scream and shout and disagree all you want but that fact will NOT change. You are basing your comments off a few words on the internet about someone you don't' even know.


I don't agree with them just looking something up on the internet and have suggested they go to someone.

But them not getting a real diagnosis does NOT suddenly make you an expert and give you the ability to give him one.

 

[disneychrista]

As someone who worked in a brewery for 21 years I have to comment not all beers are created equally. Is he drinking 4.2 beers like Coors light or craft beers at 8+? It makes a difference. If he is drinking 8% beers those 3 beers are more like 6.

 

[robinb]

I am basing my comments on what we DO seem to know.

You're basing your comments on only one side of the equation, written by someone on a Disney board. The facts are: you don't know her, you don't know her husband and you don't know the whole story. NONE of us do.

The OP and her DH need professional help and not just what she follow what reads on the internet, including armchair diagnoses here on the DIS. IIRC, the ACA expanded mental heath care so she should have some coverage.

 

[Summer2018]

An objective professional medical opinion is needed here.

As his wife, you are too close to the situation to really help him. You are codependent. The only people you can save is yourself and your unborn child. You can get professional counseling, and the first thing they will tell you to do is go to an Al Anon meeting.

He needs to save himself by going to the doctor and ruling out some strange medical condition, then to AA or rehab or counseling or all three. The internet will not save him. If he cannot admit that he has a problem, there is absolutely nothing you can do for him. Enabling him to continue will destroy all of your lives.

My father went to rehab and remained sober until he died, but he humbled himself and asked for help. My sister is in denial and has ruined her life.

Ultimately, it is his choice. Don't let him drag you down with him if he makes the wrong one.

 

[DLgal]

The excuses this guy is giving for not wanting to go to therapy are just a cover for the real reason. He is afraid of the truth.

OP, you need professional help here. Make your husband attend a therapy session. At least one. Ask him to do it for the baby, and if he still won't, you have a pretty good idea of the kind of father he will be. I would personally demand he go with me and if he refused, I'd leave him. This is no time for self help.

 

[Maggie Gallagher]

An objective professional medical opinion is needed here.

As his wife, you are too close to the situation to really help him. You are codependent. The only people you can save is yourself and your unborn child. You can get professional counseling, and the first thing they will tell you to do is go to an Al Anon meeting.

He needs to save himself by going to the doctor and ruling out some strange medical condition, then to AA or rehab or counseling or all three. The internet will not save him. If he cannot admit that he has a problem, there is absolutely nothing you can do for him. Enabling him to continue will destroy all of your lives.

My father went to rehab and remained sober until he died, but he humbled himself and asked for help. My sister is in denial and has ruined her life.

Ultimately, it is his choice. Don't let him drag you down with him if he makes the wrong one.

I 100% agree.

I am a child of an alcoholic. Al Anon gave me my life back. It taught me how to look inward at myself, detach, and become a much healthier person. I sought counseling through the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) at my job. I got 5 sessions free, and it got me on the road to focusing on myself instead of the alcoholics in my life. During our first session, the psychologist told me to run, not walk to my first Al Anon meeting. Since then, I have gone to my Pastor for counseling. But the most help came from those meetings.

You can only fix yourself, but sometimes when we do that, those around us that need fixing are forced to finally deal with their demons.

Don't pretend that everything will be okay if you ignore what is happening.