Gradual release

[kdonnel]

My daughter is moving out and starting her own life. The lease has been signed and move in is scheduled for this coming weekend.

That past weekend we were helping her set up her classroom as she starts her career as a teacher. While there we met a friend of hers from college and her parents who were doing the same for their daughter.

We ended up having a conversation with the parents.

The father mentioned that his daughter has asked if she could be placed on gradual release, her way of asking if she could continue to receive monetary help.

I thought it was a great term for how parents continue to help their adult children.

My daughter is moving in with 3 roommates. Splitting the cost of a rental home with 3 others should make her transition from college student to young adult smoother from a financial perspective.

At today's prices and starting teacher salaries I don't think she could afford to rent even a one bedroom apartment by herself, certainly not the $2450 plus utilities that the 3 bedroom house is costing.

I am keeping her on my health insurance as it does not cost me anything for her to remain but would cost her about $150 a month. The same applies to dental insurance, she will remain on mine since there is no cost associated(I would get no savings if I dropped her as a dependent).

The same goes for her cell phone. It only costs $20 a month for her to remain on my plan but would cost $80 or more a month.

I am sure there other items that will come up as well.

How much help did you continue to provide your adult children and for how long?

How sudden or gradual was the release?

 

[RamblingMad]

My parents gave me a lump sum amount of $1k back in 2000 when I moved out. That's it.

My sister received more help and never stopped being codependent on my parents.

My starting pay was $37k and my one bedroom apartment cost me $650 a month.

The reality is that when you're starting out that your lifestyle is sometimes lower than the lifestyle you leave when living with your parents. Sometimes it's better. It really depends on where you start out.

What's your end goal? I know folks in their 40s and 50s that still mooch off their parents.

 

[disneydreamer1980]

My oldest is 21 and lives part time at home and part time at college. She’s also going to be a teacher. She plans on moving out when she starts her job and we plan on helping her with rent (paying half) keeping her on our insurance and paying her car payment. At least until she’s steady enough on her feet to handle this herself. We also told her she could continue to live with us (for free) for a few years to put money away but she wants to be on her own. But I’m sure if she needs anything else from us she’ll have no problem in asking lol

 

[DLgal]

Well, our 2 kids are autistic and we are pretty sure one will continue to live with us forever. The other wants to eventually have his own place, but he means his OWN place (no roommates). At this point, we don't even know if he can hold down a job. At 18, he still lacks the social skills to pass through the hiring phase of even a part time job. So, we will be supporting them financially for a long time, although we are hopeful that they will qualify for SSI and also work a bit to help offset those costs associated with continual support.

I think parents need to be willing to support their kids when they REALLY NEED IT, but a situation like an adult child with an established career, I don't know if that warrants continuous support. At that point, its more about the adult child learning how to budget and prioritize spending. At 22, I was married (to a fresh military officer) and before I had a job, our take home pay was just under $3000/month and our first apartment rent was $1250. This was in 2001. We wouldn't have dreamed of asking our parents for money. I hustled to find a job and then once I did and we were in better shape, THEN we got to do all the fun stuff like go out to eat and go to the movies. Before that, we simply did without extras. It was a long, boring 6 months.

 

[kcool]

My son will be a 2nd year law student this year. We still pay health, dental, phone, car insurance and give him $400 for food/gas each month. He pays his apartment/living expenses with money he saved from working and a great undergrad scholarship he had. We will continue helping through taking his bar exam. He has taken out/will take out loans to pay for tuition, but hopefully not to pay living expenses. He is 22 and did undergrad in 3 years, so he is just the same age as kids leaving college this year. We don’t have to help, but hopefully what we can and do contribute will help him have an easier start to life . He is very grateful for whatever we offer.

 

[mrodgers]

My parents gave me a lump sum amount of $1k back in 2000 when I moved out. That's it.

My sister received more help and never stopped being codependent on my parents.

My starting pay was $37k and my one bedroom apartment cost me $650 a month.

The reality is that when you're starting out that your lifestyle is sometimes lower than the lifestyle you leave when living with your parents. Sometimes it's better. It really depends on where you start out.

What's your end goal? I know folks in their 40s and 50s that still mooch off their parents.

Some of my coworkers always bothered me about this and that, "what, it isn't going to kill you, it's not that much money." Ah, you're my age, got divorced 20 years ago just a year after you got married and you're now still living at your mother's at 40 years old. I'm 15 years into my mortgage and have 2 kids getting ready to go to college."

 

[tvguy]

Never even occurred to us to offer financial help. We just always told our kids their bedroom was waiting for them if the need came up. Neither kid moved back in and both paid all their own bills. Well, my wife and I did give our daughter a burglar alarm system with cameras when she bought her house, that only cost $150 for the installation and $30 a month for the monitoring.

Always makes me sad when I see how low teacher salaries are in some parts of the U.S. Fortunately that isn't the case in the district we live in IMHO. They start teachers at $47,000 a year here.

 

[BroadwayHermione5]

For me, I have my own health insurance. I pay them back my car insurance (which they kept me on because it does help with their overall coverage) and any problems on the phone I pay for completely. The car depending on the issue we split payments as they sometimes use my car. Sometimes it's just me, sometimes it's them. Also the general rule of thumb for gas in my household is whoever is driving it sees there is little to no gas, you fill it no questions.

I am very lucky that because my industry is volatile and chaotic (even before the pandemic it was unstable) that they are very understanding and no matter how may times I offer to pay rent, it is refused. Food is a different story because we all chip in for something or we all will find coupons and sales. Plus we all cook, so it's easier to go all together and keep costs down. Plus if you really want something you buy it. Our dog is split costs between us when it comes to her health and well being (though for me well being means toys.....lots and lots of toys lol. And clothes-she is a Yorkie so we have options lol)

Since I got my license in high school the general rule of thumb is that if I am available and a family member (particularly my grandparents those still with us and those who have since passed since i got my license eons ago-well not eons to many of you but eons to me) and I can pick them up I am to pick them up and take them where they need to go. Same goes for if someone needs something. I was the first vaccinated in my family due to my "survival" job, when my aunt and grandmothers household came down with covid, I bought food to them and helped with other things masked and from a safe distance.


Any class I take, fun thing I partake in that is not a gift (vacations it depends on what I pay for-sometimes its airfare, other times its tickets, usually a couple of meals and some souvenirs. It varies based on prices for everything), piece of equipment I want, things I need for my survival job, all on me. Now sometimes between my mom and my aunts we all use each others deals so sometimes one person buys the other people their items, but other than that all me.

My parents both had different yet somewhat similar upbringings, which made them realize that they didn't want any future kids to have to deal with chaos of paying rent or chipping in when it is physically and financially irresponsible to do so. They always wanted me to focus on important things (like insurance and student loans as well as pounding the pavement in the entertainment industry.) I started babysitting and volunteering at 14 before fully working at 16 during the summers to give myself some money (during school the work was more important. Once I hit college though I had multiple jobs throughout the year to help with obvious things like books, supplies and anything I needed or wanted to do), and slowly built up my resume decently that when I got out of college and looked for survival jobs that would work with my schedule, I found some right away because of the varied experience I had.

Again I realize I am very lucky, but honestly this is how it should be done plus or minus a few things here and there depending on your situation. Especially in today's world and economy. I had so many friends move back-even those married and with kids- because its so chaotic. Some pay rent, others pay utilities, others are told to just wait until they get back on their feet. Finding a balance I really think is the best bet. Gives you time to save, do some things you might not have done, and then you can go out on your own. The pandemic did and didn't help for me (a lot of the things I do for fun like travel and see shows was obviously not happening so I took all that money and got a huge chunk of my student loans paid off. Still have a decent sized chunk left, but I did the right thing and put as much as I could towards it), but it did make me more aware in general of many things.

Oh-and don't be afraid to ask your friends with kids similar ages for advice-my parents found out so much just from talking to their friends and vice versa. Every little bit helps as they say.

 

[BroadwayHermione5]

Never even occurred to us to offer financial help. We just always told our kids their bedroom was waiting for them if the need came up. Neither kid moved back in and both paid all their own bills. Well, my wife and I did give our daughter a burglar alarm system with cameras when she bought her house, that only cost $150 for the installation and $30 a month for the monitoring.

Always makes me sad when I see how low teacher salaries are in some parts of the U.S. Fortunately that isn't the case in the district we live in IMHO. They start teachers at $47,000 a year here.

Teacher salaries being so low in various parts of this country are horrifying and sad. And even in districts where they are paid well, they still have to buy a lot of their own supplies and pay for classes out of pocket. A lot of my teacher friends are well off. Those that aren't are moving or changing districts.

 

[mjkacmom]

My 26 year old just got off our health insurance (with our family plan she wasn’t extra). She bought her car, pays her insurance, our names are off her loans which should be paid off in a year (pretty good, around $80,000). She’s on our unlimited phone plan, buys her own phones. My 24 year old lives with us just because rents are expensive (starting around $1500 a month), he and his friends make good money but apparently no one wants to rent a house to several young guys even if they can easily afford it. He bought his car, pays insurance, still on our health insurance and phone plan. His $80,000 loans should be paid soon (he makes pretty good money). My 21 year old is in grad school in Boston. She pays her expenses mostly with loans and work (she can make up to $500 a shift bartending, she pays $1300 for her share of a 2 bedroom), I still pay for clothing, and some bills, my 19 year old daughter is there right now to take her grocery shopping (which I’ll pay for), no car.

My 19 year olds are still in undergrad, and I pay for necessities, both work during the summer. They share our extra car but ds19 is commuting in the fall so he’ll use it. Our kids know that we have their backs, especially in a financial emergency.

 

[tvguy]

Teacher salaries being so low in various parts of this country are horrifying and sad. And even in districts where they are paid well, they still have to buy a lot of their own supplies and pay for classes out of pocket. A lot of my teacher friends are well off. Those that aren't are moving or changing districts.

Here are the pay scales here. Of course, this is the DIS where some think earning $150,000 a year is still a middle class salary.
https://www.sanjuan.edu/cms/lib/CA0...JTA_Cert_Teachers_Sal_Schedule_07.01.2021.pdf

 

[kymom99]

Never even occurred to us to offer financial help. We just always told our kids their bedroom was waiting for them if the need came up. Neither kid moved back in and both paid all their own bills. Well, my wife and I did give our daughter a burglar alarm system with cameras when she bought her house, that only cost $150 for the installation and $30 a month for the monitoring.

Always makes me sad when I see how low teacher salaries are in some parts of the U.S. Fortunately that isn't the case in the district we live in IMHO. They start teachers at $47,000 a year here.

Can you live on that in California?

 

[tvguy]

Can you live on that in California?

Well, my daughter is making $42,000 a year, bought a car 4 years ago, and a house 3 years ago, so yes, you can live on that. And my wife and I in retirement are living on about that, but at 65 years old, our expenses are low, house, car paid for. Our budget is $3,000 a month. However when my HVAC system died, I did have to dip into savings for that, as did my daughter when her HVAC died.

 

[nw6675]

Well, our 2 kids are autistic and we are pretty sure one will continue to live with us forever. The other wants to eventually have his own place, but he means his OWN place (no roommates). At this point, we don't even know if he can hold down a job. At 18, he still lacks the social skills to pass through the hiring phase of even a part time job. So, we will be supporting them financially for a long time, although we are hopeful that they will qualify for SSI and also work a bit to help offset those costs associated with continual support.

My sister and nephew (20) are in this same position and going through the SSI process still. She and my BIL know that he will be with them forever. Just wanted to share as I see how hard it is on her to sort through what the future holds. ETA - @DLgal - he literally got his SSI approval today!!

For my now 32 year old, he graduated college 2 weeks after my now 10 year old was born. He was self sufficient from the get go by having a roommate, no student loans, and a paid for car (by us).

 

[DLgal]

Can you live on that in California?

In some parts of CA, yes, easily. In others, not even close. $47,000 as a single in my area is poverty level, basically. It will qualify you for affordable housing. But even then, you have to demonstrate that you make 2.5 times the monthly rent in order to actually rent the unit. So, good luck getting one.

 

[kymom99]

Well, my daughter is making $42,000 a year, bought a car 4 years ago, and a house 3 years ago, so yes, you can live on that. And my wife and I in retirement are living on about that, but at 65 years old, our expenses are low, house, car paid for. Our budget is $3,000 a month. However when my HVAC system died, I did have to dip into savings for that, as did my daughter when her HVAC died.

I was just surprised by that number because in my district in NKY the starting salary is $45600. Our state is much lower paying than across the river in Ohio. Cost of living here is much lower than California.

 

[kymom99]

My son graduated from college last year. He has been in and out of our house working to gain experience towards a permanent job in his field. We have told him he is welcome here as long as he helps out. He does not pay any rent. We are gradually making him take over paying certain things as he saves up money. Honestly as long as he’s happy here, it’s silly to pay most of his current income towards rent. He doesn’t know where he might end up since he is looking for a full time job in the national parks.

 

[Praying Colonel]

DD graduated from college and left for boot camp 3 months later. She's lived on her own ever since. We paid for part of her student loans and she wanted to take the rest. She has come to us a couple of times for loans but nothing major. I'm guessing the total amount was 1K or so.

DS was a little different. He graduated from college and immediately moved to Orlando to work for Disney. It didn't work out and he came back home about 6 months later. He then worked a series of jobs and lived at home while he figured things out. We charged a relatively small amount for rent so he had skin in the game and we paid for part of his student loans, like we did his sister. Eventually he left to teach English overseas and now works for Disney again and is enjoying it.

 

[robinb]

How much help did you continue to provide your adult children and for how long?

How sudden or gradual was the release?

My daughter was gradually released. We started giving her a stipend when she was still in college and she was responsible for paying her rent/food/gas/etc out of it. We paid for her for her tuition and books separately. She graduated from college in May, 2021 and we agreed to continue to give her a stipend for a gap year. Her "gap year" has become a "gap period" (more than a year, less than a lifetime) and we no longer provide a stipend. It will resume when she attends graduate school. So, her gradual release was about 14 months. We don't particularly mind the "gap period" as I believe that she and her boyfriend still need to mature a bit and what better time to sow some wild oats than right after college? We do really want her to go to grad school so we don't want to continue to support her now and every crappy job she has now makes grad school even more attractive .

 

[soccerdad72]

We're not quite there yet, as our oldest is 21 and still in college. He's working out of town on a co-op assignment and fortunately, they provided housing to him for a minimal cost, so we're not really helping him with much so far (he's on our phone plan and our insurance, obviously). Once he graduates, we'll possibly keep him on our insurance (depending on what his employer offers) as a family plan isn't any difference in cost with one or two dependents on the plan. Otherwise, he'll (hopefully) be off on his own.