1 Last time - 1 hour,1 bite,1 step,1 day,1 pound @ a time. THIS I can do!

[goldcupmom]

I have been away WAY TOO LONG! And the time I have been away has been some of the most difficult in my life, and it's not over yet, and all centers around my DS26.

He is still unemployed, is finally receiving unemployment, is still moved out, but we are paying ALL his bills (except rent) and can't continue a whole lot longer. He seems to not be looking for work at all.

Somewhere in April/May (time is running together and some of this may be a repeat), DH told me that if we don't continue to support DS26, he will end up on the street, dealing/using drugs again, and dead and that I would be guilty of killing my son. Needless to say I did not deal well with that logic, but realize that in DH eyes, I am the root of all evil.

Then the people he is living with decided to tell me that they have 2nd hand info that DS26 is on meth again and other drugs. Don't know if true or not, but they wanted to drug test him and he refused. Has had 2 'girl interests' since the psycho that got him fired. 1st is now the current, and the middle one had a 2 yr old and I was told she was REALLY into drugs...which is SAD & SCARY if she more than he and with a baby.

So, Mother's Day, which is always a hard day for me as my family basically ignores it, I was playing games online & noticed my pulse was really slow - which I figure it should be given that I was in the gym 6 days/week. So, I took my BP and it was quite a bit higher than usual at home. Set me into OCD panic mode. Obsessing about pulse, BP, every little ache, etc. Monday went to gym for weights no problem. Tuesday for cardio & had a panic attack on Treadmill. Breathing in hard hurt when running & I started noticing a couple PVCs. Which made it all worse. Wed took Sashi for our usual walk, same thing. So, I haven't been to gym since, and have been loaded with anxiety.

Went to cardiologist to make sure the breathing was just breathing/dry air/allergies(which have been the worst ever). Got to Dr & BP was 198/100. I was literally shaking & crying when I got there. EKG fine. Gave me a BP med. took 1st pill & just over an hour later was so dizzy I couldn't walk. So off it. 1 week later, went for a 'stress echo'. Did the full Echo part, they hooked me up for stress part & my BP was 200/100 & they couldn't do it. I've always laughed at people sayng their knees were knocking. Mine really were. I was so scared about the BP part I couldn't function,. Went the next week and successfully did it. In the meantime, I did the 24 hour urine test and a 24 hour BP test.

Echo is normal, Stress is normal - no sign of blockage/heart disease. BP averaged 145/85 - still too high, but for 24 hours EVERY SINGLE TIME it went off, I startled. So much so that my chest muscles were sore the day after from contracting.

The Dr who was there when I tried the stress echo the 1st time put me on a different med that made me a total Zombie. Now I am on a potassium sparing diuretic. Don't know if it is working or not.

I am convinced this is ALL stress! Or at least mostly. I can feel my BP rise just thinking about taking my BP now. Went to gyn last week and BP was 160/100. Earlier in the day here it was perfectly normal. I again panicked and had to call the cardio the next day to be reassured.

I go to normal Dr. this Friday & I really think I need something, MILD for the anxiety. I just don't know. I also think hormones are playing a big part. During all this I had a VERY spotty period for the 1st time in 8 mo. Lovely!

The latest with DS26 is that DH is basically through with him. Won't talk to him, tells me I need to forget he is even alive. I can't. He is my son. I will love him till I die. I worry about him, i want only good for him & I think he needs to know that someone really cares no matter what.

He got a ticket on 6/15....speeding, didn't have his insurance card & possession of a pot pipe - no drugs, thankfully. Yesterday in the paper it was in the 'Crime Report' and now says also 'receiving stolen goods'. I opened DS26 mail & he received an 'amended citation'. Not sure how they can now charge him with something new. He had a radio from his WalMart job in the car, the cop who stopped called it in to see if it was stolen they said no and this new citation says he had a Fire Dept radio in the car.

And how can you be charged with receiving stolen goods when they don't witness you receiving it? I could see possession of them....More stress. Tried to call DH (who is in Iowa as he moved his DSis back). He cut me off, told me he doesn't care about dS26 and I shouldn't and that he was headed in to the casino....and hung up. Never called back.

So, assuming nothing happens health wise, I get to leave on 19th for FL. Taking cruise on 7/21-28, back to DSis house, then going to DISNEY....for FREE.....on 7/30, my birthday! With DSis, DD20, & DH. Dsis hubby can get 3 people in at a time for free.

And I need HELP with figuring out what we CAN'T MISS in each park in 1 day. It will be a LONG day! Last time we were there, DD was 5 & remembers NOTHING AT ALL. So, all you DISNEY planners.....HELP!!

Then DH flies home on 7/31 and DD & I leave FL on the train on 8/6, doing museums in DC on that stop, wandering Chicago during that stop then home on 8/9.

Please pray that DS26 gets a job, gets his life together. This is literally killing me when combined with the fact that I get NO support from DH.

Earlier this week DS26 went to ATM to get out $300 rent money & was robbed ....punched in throat & guy with him had a knife at his. They later found out it was a big drug dealer's thugs (so fear reporting) and that the middle girl has been telling everyone that DS beat & raped her (he says he 'never even slept with this one') DH reaction.....don't tell me.

So, prayer is all I can do, God is good, but I have to figure out how to relax & destress. When I get back from FL I am going to try to plug in to AA or something similar and seek counseling. I love my son, he is so normal so much of the time. He has serious issues with people anxiety which cause most of this and DH family is full of Bi-polar, OCD, and addictions.

Love you all! Thanks for listening(well, reading). I'm on FB much more than here as it is easier to find a minute than an hour. PM me if you want to 'friend' me.

And get those Disney ideas coming.....I have about 10 days to get it planned!

 

[Mykelogan]

Whoa Julie, I got anxiety just reading your update!! Glad you were able to share it all with us, and know that I will definitely be praying for some peace to come your way. And for you DS26 to find some real direction. Sigh.

On a brighter note, yay for some Disney time!! One day, whoa. Hmmm.... For me, if I had just one day I would probably focus on Magic Kindgom, especially with the new Fantasyland expansion slowly opening. You can check out the revamped Dumbo and the circus area, which looks so cool. For me that day would be about doing all the iconic rides (The Mountains, Tomorrowland Transit Authority, Carosel of Progress, Peter Pan, Small World, Haunted Mansion, etc), and also being sure to squeeze in Mickey's Philharmagic, my favorite! And of course catching whatever parades and fireworks you can. Maybe you can try to get an ADR for an early breakfast at Crystal Palace to start off the day in the park early, before it opens, I always find that truly magical! Again, I'd probably just focus on one, maybe two parks at most as you could waste a lot of time hopping parks. Maybe start the morning at Magic Kingdom, bang out some rides, head over to Disney Studios for lunch and hit a few things there, then back to MK for the night? Just some ideas! Overall though I hope it is a stress fun trip!!!

Thank you so much for checking in on me over at my place too!
Mike

 

[DisDee]

Hi Julie,

Just want to say hello and Wish you a wonderful day. I hope thing have settled down for you and you find some peace in your stressful life.

If you have some time, stop by and say hi and give us an update.

Missing you and my Wish friends!

 

[goldcupmom]

Wow! I haven't been 'here' in exactly 6 months!! So, to pick up where I left off.....

We went on the cruise, had a great time, went to Disney on my birthday and did highlights in all parks in one VERY long day. Only thing I really wanted to do and missed was Soarin'. DD21 had a great time!! DD21(HOW is that possible that she is 21??) & I brought the train home, had a great museum visit in DC, saw a niece & her kids in CHI.

And then back to reality....

DS26 is STILL unemployed, but thankfully no psycho girls lately. He's still spending all his unemployment $$, but as of 1/1 we are done paying. Scares the S^!# out of me! But, he has, quite literally, wiped us out. I no longer have enough savings to even last a month if DH lost his job, and we've got no investments/retirement, so enough is enough. His car quit running in August and no money to fix it, but we've kept up payments. Gonna be real trouble and sad if he loses it as he only owes another 4K on it (well, it runs, but engine makes NASTY noise & not sure what it is). It will ruin his credit, again, and make it virtually impossible for him to get a job with no transportation, making me the 'driver' if he manages to get a job. Pretty much a lose-lose situation.

DS23 lost his job as youth pastor in late November. The church got rid of all the HS guys - (4 of 6 of them have wives expecting) - to hire others at a lower salary. Of course, if you work for a non-profit, you get no unemployment. He moved out in October, into his girlfriends parents house (they moved to Denver). He is lease purchasing it from them and has 4 roommates, so his portion of the rent is only $150 & $100 of that goes to the downpayment. And, when he moved out, she moved into my house as she is in college here. He was about to buy a diamond when he lost his job. So sad for him. But, he's smart and got a pt job at a grocery - says he's working for his unemployment. It seems they are about to promote him to Dairy Mgr - still not FT, but hopefully a decent amount of more money. At least it pays his bills until he can find something in his field or get FT and enough of a job at the grocery to make him have a bit of self-esteem again and like it.

DD21 (still can't get used to that!) has changed her major. Doesn't like to study, so is revamping med school plan. And, when she went to apply for Med Lab Sci program, which usually gets only about 5 applicants a year, it seems EVERY Pre-Med applied, so she didn't even get an interview. All they took were the ones with 4.0+ GPA. So she is now just getting her BS in Bio & Chem, hoping for Vet School or work as a 'lab rat' which she would love. The new BF keeps her busy, as does Jane Austen and others, so at least the nasty pressure is off.

DH is same as always, but pretty much RUINED the next several years vacation possibilities with a STUPID decision. When I last wrote here, he was about to leave to move his DSis back to Iowa. In the process, he lifted her giant safe, loaded in truck, drove truck for 2 days, unloaded truck, carried safe up 3 flights of stairs (getting the idea???). When he got home, he complained of back and upper back hurting- DUH!! DD21 & I kept telling him to go to Dr as he worried it was his heart (upper back pain when he had his MI at age 48) Finally, 3 days before we left for cruise, he decided to drive himself on his MOTORCYCLE to the ER at the Heart Hospital ( OUT OF NETWORK and he KNEW IT!!!!) 6 hours later and every possible heart test they can do, he is healthier than ever! DD21 & I head to see him in ER (as they won't give us any info) and we pull in the parking and my phone rings - he is BACK AT WORK and didn't bother to tell us!

Bottom line, with lovely Obamacare and our new High Deductible Insurance combined with his stupidity, our portion of that lovely trip was just over 17K. We have a 3Kpp deductible before they pay 80% but it is set up that they don't pay on anyone until the FAMILY deductible is met!! And that is 8K before they pay 80 % and 20K before 100%. So, I will be paying off his bills(and his elective upper gi/colonoscopy for heartburn) for freakin' forever!!

And then there's me!! After his going to out of network on purpose, he got mad when I told him he will go the Pres(where they had assigned him a Dr. from the Heart Hospital originally & it's a block away) if he ever needs to again, he informed me I am NEVER to go to the Dr, EVER! Lovely! I basically keep to myself, speak when spoken to and all is well. Anytime I open my mouth I"m either shushed, criticized, or put down. Sigh..... yet I still love him.

At one point before the cruise I made it into the 140s. 7 day cruise & I ate only baked salmon & chicken, steamed Veggies, no bread, 1 ice cream, literally 2 bites of dessert only each meal, drank tons of water, walked for 9 solid hours in San Juan, only 2 drinks whole cruise, no pizza...... I was GOOD!!!! Did at least 2 miles on track every day, no elevators, and I gained NINE pounds while my Dsis who ate everything including all the sugary stuff, pizza, etc, did no exercise LOST 2 lbs. I was SO DEPRESSED I GAVE UP!! Her SoninLaw who ate 2 apps, 2 entrees, 2 desserts & drank all day every day gained only 9.4.

So, new year & I am now up 17.8 lbs. Feel crappy, stress is horrid, but life goes on. When DS23 planned to move out, I needed a new walking partner, so in Aug, against DH, I got a German Shepherd puppy from a breeder who breeds/trains most of the Police/Border Patrol/Search & Rescue dogs in the SW. "Zoey" is now 7 mo old, and a BIG, loveable, ACTIVE, clown. I am taking her to massive amounts of training. Breeder said after she is a year he will level 1/2 protection train her for free. I'm hoping to get her either drug/service trained, search, or at least therapy so she can go anywhere with me. As usual, my dogs are my life!

I still haven't been to the gym. I really think the breathing issue is/was allergies/stress as it is pretty much gone. But, I've developed worse foot issues. I have metatarsalgia in both feet as Neuromas, so podiatrist (nephew's wife in OK) says treadmill is about the worst thing I could do. I'm planning on being brave & going back to the gym in the next 2 weeks. I MUST!!

Still having anxiety issues, but being able to control them more. In Nov my SIL in OK died & I drove alone for the funeral. Saw all my siblings for the first time since 2003 when my mom died. Struck by the fact that my 2nd oldest brother is not well....his diabetes is totally out of control & he is in early stages of dementia. Of course, this totally makes me paranoid to the point if I forget something or say one word wrong, I freak out.....I was busy & told Zoey to get out of the refrigerator when she was on the dishwasher & nearly lost it for about 2 days with worry. Hormones still occasionally flaring & making me crazy....just wish they would go away totally!!! Went for checkup and BP avg is now 117/75. I'm on 1 Spironolactone 25/day - it's a potassium sparing diuretic. I can handle that.

I WILL visit journals....SOON!!! I start a new temp job Monday for about 8 weeks. I will be administering the NAEP test in schools. And then, hopefully, soon after I will again do scoring at home for a few weeks.

I really, really need a trip to have something to look forward to, but not likely. DH is leaving the 25 for FL and it makes me sad that I'm not going. If he had planned it sooner, I could have.

Well, if you are still reading, you deserve a MEDAL!! And a HUG!!

 

[Kbella's mom]

I've been reading...Don't give up!