Am I Being Over Sensitive?UPDATE!!!

[Brier Rose]

Here's the problem....DD wanted to bring her best friend with her to WDW this year, so I asked her mother before we said anything.
The Mother said that she wouldn't have a problem with it,unless we went to war(this was before). Well as you all know,the war is over,but her Mother will only say that it probably won't be a problem for her to go. Why won't she give me a straight answer?? We are leaving June 21. I know money is not an issue.We already explained to her Mother that we will cover everything.I know she wouldn't be able to go otherwise.She is one of 5 kids that this Mother is raising alone.Very low income.This poor girls parents just got divorced earlier this year.The Dad was hurt horribly in an accident,and got hooked on pain killers.After 3 failed attempts at rehab she decided to call it quits,and they haven't seen their Dad since.On top of that she has always been homeschooled,so this has been her first year in "regular" school, because her Mom had to go to work full time.
The kicker for me is how strict the Mother is.DD's friends schedule is like this....Leave for school,it takes her an hour to walk to the bus stop and catch the bus in the mornings, she gets home from school at 4:30pm and immediatly does homework,then she has a list of chores that have to be completed everday before one of her sisters cooks supper,and then SHE has to wash the dishes,take a bath,and go to bed. On Saturday's all the kids have "Saturday" chores,and then on Sunday it's Church 3 times a day!!
Her Mom was supposed to give me an answer tonight,but then said she'll have to think about it some more because today,after the little girl got home from school,did 5 loads of laundry,AND folded it,SHE DIDN"T PUT THEM AWAY!!!
What does the Mother do???? She has anew boyfriend,that has taken to acting like their dad in that he likes to give orders.
I want to CRY!!! You would not believe how sweet this little girl is.This is breaking my heart.I wish now we would have never said anything about her going.The thought of her getting her hopes up and them having them crushed.....I just can't stand it.
Sorry this is so long...I'm just really down.

 

[deirdrefitch]

I can understand your frustration in this very trying situation. I think you have somehow found yourself in a very precarious situation. I am hoping for this child's sake that her mom is just having a hard time dealing with her new situation, and this is causing a back-lash on her children. If this is so, hopefully the work ethic around their home will rectify itself in time. If this is normal for their household, unless you feel the child is in danger.
you will just have to accept that each household is run differently.
As far as the trip, very gently explain to the mother that you need to buy tickets, and make plans for sleeping arrangement. Give her a date that you have to have an answer one way or another.
A deadline sometimes help in reaching a decision. Try to not encourage the child one way or another to hopefully keep her from being too crushed in her mother decides not to let her go.
I think you are a very caring person to include this child with your family. It is a shame that every child does not have an advocate working on their behalf. Good luck, and I hope for the child's sake that everything works out for the best.

 

[Brier Rose]

Thank you so much. I feel a little better now that I've vented a little.
I do realize that everyone runs their houshold differently,and I have NO problem with that at all.It's just that all this strict schedule is new to the kids.They have already been through so much,and now they are virtually responsible for taking care of themselves.
The whole boyfriend thing is really bothering me too.He's taken to being very bossy,and tries to get her in trouble with her Mother. I lived with this exact situation,and I can tell you that as long as I was living at home I H-A-T-E-D my stepfather.I wasn't to happy with my Mother for a long time there either. To have a stranger come in your home,and take control of your life like that. When you're a child there is no feeling more helpless.
Tonight was the deadline I gave her Mother,but like I said,another excuse.I told DD that I'll give her one more week,and if she can't give a yes or no by then, I'll just have to give a no for her and then us get on with our plans. I don't want to do that,but hanging here in limbo is getting to all of us.DD is a nervous wreak.
Another thing..What if she DOES get to go,sees how great it is,and how wonderful life can be,and then is depressed when she goes back home.I almost wonder if it would be better for her to not know what she's missing...does that make since??
I feel VERY bad for her brothers and sisters that don't get to go too!!
Oh! God!! Pixie Dust make it all Better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Sue & Co.]

I appreciate how frustrated you must feel right now. I don't know whether she will get to come with you or not but in response to your comment about whether it would be best if she didn't come I would say you were wrong. If she does come you will be giving her the most wonderful memory. After it is all over she will always be able to look back and remember her fantastic trip and all that you did for her (from your posts you're obviously so caring). Nobody will ever be able to take that experience away from her.

 

[Jordan's MOM]

Brier Rose,

Just rememer that you can only control your behavior and you are doing all you can. A week break from her situation might give her just want she needs to deal with life for a while. In no way will taking her make it worse. As for the brothers and sisters, again, you can't do everything. Perhaps a small token gift for each of them would be nice. I'll say a prayer that her mom will say yes. This will be an experence that she will never forget. Sounds like the mom is jellous of her daughter. Also remember that at any time you really feel her situation is unsafe for her or the other children, you have the right and requirment to report the situation. Have a great trip and don't let anyone take that magic away!!!!


Jordan's mom

 

[Brier Rose]

Thanks Everybody!
I think you all are right that she should go.I'm saying a prayer that her Mom will say yes also.
That's a great idea about a gift for her brothers and sisters. I wish I could take them all! At least that will give me a way of doing something for them.I wonder if I should bring them home something from WDW, or get them something they can enjoy while we're gone....maybe tickets to a movie or something???
Can you tell I'm a compulsive worrier??

Just wanted to note that I DO NOT think the kids are in any danger what so ever.I do think they get treated VERY unfairly,but I guess I'm gonna have to make myself deal with the fact that there's nothing I can do about that.I love that little girl so much,that I can't stand to think of her being treated any way other than a princess.(and I'm not talking Cinderella before the Fairy Godmother) I want to baby her,the way I do my own.I want her to have a time to not have to worry about her"chores",and school work,and all the other problems she's having.
Thank You all for making me realize that I DO want her to go!!

 

[disneyjunkie]

Maybe the mom doesn't want her to go. Maybe she thinks she will offend you if she says no. Maybe it bothers her that you can offer her child something that she can't right now. Maybe she wants to be there when her kids experiece the magic of WDW for the first time. I had to deal with this 6 years ago.

When my son was 6, the grandmother of one of my students wanted to take my son to WDW. (she also had a grandchild in my son's class) I told her no because I wanted to experice my son's first trip with him. It was 3 years later before I was able to afford a trip to WDW. I'm glad I told her no. I'll never forget the the look on my son's face when he rode BTMRR, Splash Mountain and HM for the first time. Or how excited we was when we checked into All Star Sports. The expression on his face when he saw the lobby and pool at the Beach Club resort was priceless. There are many more things I can think of that I would not have been a part of had I let him go with another family. Before any post it, I know it's selfish.

As far as the kids having chores that seems very normal to me. Many kids I grew up with; kids from 2 parent and single parent homes; had to cook and clean during the week.

Also, spending LOTS of time in church is very common. Sunday school, Sunday service, Sunday afternoon program, Bible study during the week, choir practice, .....

Most people I've known that did this, did it in hopes of keeping their kids out of trouble.

I hope that mom gives you an answer soon.

No matter what happens, I'm sure your daughter will have a blast.

 

[Jordan's MOM]

Thanks Disneyjunkie for helping us see the other side of the situation. I would not call you selfish at all. Just a normal mom that loves her kids. Sometimes it is hard to accept that other lifestyes that are very different from our own can be just as good as our own. I am the one that questioned the safety of the situation and as Brier Rose assured us that is not an issue your points are well taken. I also made the a statement that implied that this mother was selfish in not wanting her daughter to go. You made me realize that there could be many reason she may say no. Thanks again for sharing. This board is full of so many good people.


Jordan's mom

 

[Baloo]

BR I know it's hard but please don't worry so much.With everything that has happened to the girls family they're probably ALL feeling overwhelmed.I agree a little girl shouldn't be responsible for doing those things.And you said the little girl is unblieveable sweet so something good is there.

I would nail the Mother down with an answer.Don't feel offend if she says no.I know you're trying to be nice but some people,I don't know for the life of me why,feel like you're trying to show them up when it comes to their kids...been there done that...until it was driving me crazy...so eventually we drifted apart.

I'll keep you in my prayers and hope for the best!

Please let us know what happens!

 

[MomE@Home]

maybe another reason the mother is balking at a decision is because her other children can't go-that might cause problems with the other children becoming jealous.

 

[hopetoseedisney]

I know a family like this, and I feel that the mother is probably giving you these evasive answers because she doesn't want to offend you, and that she probably doesn't want the child to go. If she has other children, it's really not fair for one to get a full paid trip to WDW, and the others to have to stay home. I can only imagine what she would have to face with the other kids - can you also imagine how guilty she might already feel with their current situation?? I'd say this - just tell the mother that you had a deadline, and unfortunately you couldn't spend the money for a ticket without knowing if she was coming or not, so you are going without her. Tell her that you do intend on bringing back all of the kids something special....and perhaps you can bring your dd's friend something extra special, or you can let her come and stay the night when you get back and have a disney "wish you were there" party......if you are comfortable with it - you can have all of the kids come over. You can bring them souvies, pictures, autographs.....and have some disney snacks. It's not the same as being there, but sometimes we just have to accept that there are things we cannot change.......
I think it's wonderful that you have been so persistent, and that you want to do something special for this child. But we cannot force people to accept our help or our offer to do something for them. Good Luck with whatever happens.

 

[JiminyMac]

You sound like a very nice and caring person, but I have to tell you that it worries me that you know so much about this other family...all these details make me wonder if you are relating this child's situation a little too closely to yours growing up. And to post the intimate details of this family's life on a public board where someone might recognize the situatin scares me a bit.

I think you might want to consider rescinding the invitation bc I think that everyone else is right, that the woman does not want to tell you "no" bc she is embarrassed. You need to let her off the hook nicely, maybe by recognizing that perhaps you've put her in an akward situation and that she should not feel obligated and that her daughter is welcome, but no pressure.

 

[Brier Rose]

She Said Yes!!!
I am so happy.Thanks to everyone for your kind words.
I don't know what caused the turn around,but when we got home tonight there was a message on the answering machine for dd to call.

Sorry if I came across the wrong way to some. I guess I just take for granted that nobody would know who I was talking about.I didn't post a name,and this family doesn't have a computer or internet access,and I guess I let myself carry on a little too much.

I really don't think that any of this was because the Mother didn't want to tell me no.She has told us no about lots of other things in the past. I also don't think it had anything to do with her wanting to wait and take the kids herself.I know for a fact that she has no plans to even try.As far as her being hesitent about saying yes because of the other kids....that I can understand.It even makes me uneasy to leave the other ones behind. I just had to tell myself that it is the one girl that is dd's friend not all the brothers and sisters. Hopefully maybe they will be fortunate enough to have a friend that can also ask them to do something special sometime. I am going to try and do something for them though,and maybe try to have them come over to swim a couple of times over the summer.

As far as her reason for taking so long to let me know,she just said she hasn't had time to actually sit down and think it through before now.Well now she's thought about it,and now she's saying yes!!!! ........Just to let everyone know,I did ask her(the mother not the girl) 3 months ago,and have not asked her if she had made a decsion but once in all those months,so I don't think I was being pushy.
Well, thanks again everyone......Wish us lots of pixie dust!!!

 

[momof2sons]

Looks like the pixie dust is being sprinkled and hope it continues.

Have a wonderful trip.

 

[Sue & Co.]

I'm so glad it's all working out for you - You'll all have a wonderful time.

 

[colleen costello]

Don't we all know a child whose family is struggling and who could use a little pixie dust? I am glad for you and for this girl. It's going to be a special trip for you all as obviously, treating her to this trip means a lot to you.

We are leaving on June 21st also. I'll be the Mom with the green ribbon who is threatening her son and daughter to quit fighting! See you there!

 

[Jordan's MOM]

Glad it is all working out well for everyone. Have a magical trip!!!



jordan's mom

 

[MrsPete]

I think there are two separate issues here:

1) Your concerns about this girl's home life AND
2) Whether she can go on the Disney trip with your family.

As for her home life, you said you don't feel that the children are in any danger. If you did, lots of people here -- including me -- would certainly insist you to alert the authorities immediately. Since that's not the case, I think it boils down to what the family needs and what the mother thinks is appropriate. I suspect the mom just plain needs more help around the house.

For about four years of my childhood, my home life was very similar to what you're describing. In fact, the parallels are strikingly similar. My dad walked out without looking back, and as the oldest of three children I shouldered much of the household responsibilities when my mom went back to work. We were never in physical danger; however, we didn't have many opportunities that other kids had and we did a great deal of things around the house that other kids didn't have to do. It was awful, but it made all us kids strong. In retrospect, it was the best my mom could do for us given the limited resources she had at the time.

Now the second topic . . . the child going on your trip.

I can think of several reasons the mom might be dragging her feet on answering you:

I can definately see that she might be concerned about sibling jealousy. I don't see bringing a souvenier to the stay-at-home sibs as a fix-all -- a stuffed Mickey would just be a reminder that Big Sister saw the real Mickey.

You didn't say it, but I have the impression that she's the oldest child. Could it be that she's concerned about losing the child's help around the house for a week during the summer? She may be counting on the child to supervise younger children.

I understand that you're paying for everything, but money may be a problem anyway. She may be embarassed that there's no way she could "repay" your daughter with a similar trip. Likely you and your daughter have no such idea in your mind -- but she might feel bad about it anyway. Personally, I would feel the inequity if I were on the receiving end of this deal -- I'd feel like someone else felt that I couldn't provide for my kids. This may not be in your mind at all -- but it might be in hers.

Changing the money topic slightly . . . even if you're paying for the hotel, food, etc., could it be that she's concerned about her daughter not having enough nice summer clothes for the trip? Or that she couldn't give her spending money?

Regardless of the reasoning behind the delay in giving you an answer, you certainly need to know whether to count on the girl or not! I think you're perfectly justified in saying, "If ___ is going with us to Florida, we must know by ____ so we can finalize our plans. Is there anything we can do to help you make that decision?"

 

[MrsPete]

One more thought. Looking at your screen name (which I like, by the way -- that's why I remembered it), do I remember correctly that your boyfriend is accompanying you and your daughter to Disney World? I seem to remember a post about it some time back.

If these folks go to church three times each Saturday, could it be that the mom has a problem with a non-married couple traveling together and sharing a room?

 

[Brier Rose]

MrsPete,
I think there must be another Briar Rose floating around here,cause that definatly wasn't me! I don't think my DH would be to happy if I was taking a trip with a boyfriend.
Seriously, I have been happily married for 11 years, have a DD 11 and a DS 4. If it was a case of asking a child to go on a trip with me and my boyfriend,I could DEFINATLY see the problem. I am being accused of being a prude right now by my sister because I won't let her and her boyfriend accompany DH and I to a family graduation because they want to stay in a seperate hotel room. That is something I feel very strong about,and I wouldn't let my own DD go with a freind on a trip if that was the situation.

Thank you for your first hand prospective.I think all of this has taught me to be a little more open minded when judging the way someone else runs their household.I have been feeling so guilty for thinking so badly about the Mother of my DD's friend.I even like the woman! I just have a hard time dealing with her children not being able to just "be children". BUT she is the parent,and I am not.
As far a the girl not having clothes for the trip,etc....... She has actually been on a family trip with us before.It was just a local amusment park,and it was just for a few days but same principle.
That went well,and is actually how we decided to ask her to go to WDW. I explained to her Mother then and now that my policy has always been if we ask,then we pay.Weather the one we're asking has 10 dollars or a million.If we ask someone to be our guest then I want them to be our guest. I have tried to always be very tactful about it,and to let her know that we are so grateful,and that her daughter being able to spend time with our family is actually a favor to us. When DD spends time at their house,DDand I also make sure and tell her abundantly what a great time she had at their home.I'll probably get in trouble about this from you all,but I did fib a little to her Mother.I told her that I had left over park hoppers to use for her DD,so that we wouldn't have to pay for her tickets anyway.I will have to buy her a ticket of course,but was it really that bad to downplay the expence? It would be better for her to think that it's not costing us much at all for her dd to go right?? ( I Hope)I don't want her to feel like there's anything to "pay back".
She is the next to the oldest child,so I'm sure that she is alot of help around the house.I hadn't thought about that being a reason for not letting her go. I also think you're right about the stuffed Mickey thing. I have decided to give all the kids tickets to the local movie theatre,so that they can also do something fun,rather than having a constant reminder of where they didn't get to go.
I have also decided that rather than let my kids buy soveiners all during the trip,I am having a large gift baket full of t-shirts and stuff,(3 of everything of course) sent to the resort for when we check in, to go ahead and get that out of the way. It also works out well that this trip is just a week before her birthday,so I was planning on letting her and DD get face painting and hair wraps as her gift. On our last night(3 days before her bd) we have an Illuminations cruise scheduled,and we're gonna surprise her with a birthday cake.
Does anybody have anymore suggestions??
Thanks