Are funerals changing? (Spin off from church issues thread)

Death culture was already changing pre-Covid. My sister owns a vault and monument company. For the past ten years her business has been terrible and now will never recover. More people since 2007 have been unable to afford a funeral and traditional burial and have turned to cremation. From a very small town in the South so this was shocking to me.
 
Yes, thankfully, changes have been noticed. Many are opting for either a memorial service at a later date, or a private family service, or no service at all. When my parents passed in 2008 and 2017 they had traditional funerals as they had planned and paid for them years before. They had 2 days of visitation, then the third day was the funeral. For Dad’s we had a funeral dinner as well at the church. My Mom’s was basically the same, except just one day of visitation then funeral the next day. The only thing she didn’t request was a dinner, so we just had immediate family come to our house for a lunch.

Personally I am so thankful traditions are changing. I’ve told my husband if he wants to have a funeral for me it’s fine, and it’s fine if he doesn’t. I don’t care what happens, I’ll be dead. He has no wishes so if he passes first he will be cremated and we will have a small, private service for spreading some of his ashes.

I’ve always hated attending funerals, and now that I’m older I only go if I’m close to the person or their family. A celebration of their life type of service is so much nicer, instead of having to view the body in a casket.
 
We had a close relative die earlier this year. We just had a small family dinner in her honor. No service yet since we plan to hang onto her ashes until her mom passes away. We plan on scattering their ashes at sea when the time comes with nothing religious.
 
A 60-something year old family member of mine died recently, under somewhat unusual circumstances. At the hospital we were told the medical examiner would be taking him for a non-negotiable autopsy, and there was no delay in taking his body away. Those were state rules apparently. Next day the call came in from the medical examiner that no autopsy would be necessary, based on medical history and condition of the body. (We’re assuming no stab wounds or the like were found, and it was clear from records there was a cardiac history.) I was glad to see they used their judgement about it.

I saw an autopsy once, by accident (dropping a body off in the morgue) and it’s not something I would choose to do to a beloved family member if there was a choice. When someone dies in the hospital, families are usually given a choice. Many say no.
When my mother in law passed away, it was an unattended death at home so the coroner had to be called. Coroner called and said because she was 64 and no unusual circumstances present they would not be required to do an autopsy. But if we wanted one they would do one for $100 fee. We had it done because WE had no knowledge of any health issues. She had extreme coronary artery disease, which she CLEARLY had been told about by her Doctors and elected not to seek treatment for. That was in 1999. I just checked the coroner's website and the fee for an autopsy is now $3,000!
 




It seems positive to me for people to realize that they do not have to buy into spending a fortune unless they want to.
I agree.
My husbands family - they do the whole 2 or 3 day thing. Viewing, funeral, burial. The last one we went to there was a fight over who was paying for what which ended up delaying it all by a day or two. I guess my MIL won the fight over how much $$$ to spend - the amount of chachkies was unreal. Don't get me started on the balloons being released.
In my family we don't do funerals. We cremate and then at some point in the next year we gather at the location where my great grandparents, grandparents are buried at sea and overboard they go.
 
I have noticed funeral homes popping up in industrial parks lately … this actually came up again when we had to make arrangements a few years ago for the father in law’s cremains to be sent to another state for the memorial -

I was a hard no on the visitation / services in the industrial park scenario and even less interested in anything traditional. I am good with cremation at this point and disposal of the ashes wherever …
 
Yes. I’ve noticed a huge change in funerals over the past couple of years.

Usually some kind of memorial or celebration of life 6 months + down the road instead of the traditional funeral mass/visitation within a week of death.

Death culture was already changing pre-Covid. My sister owns a vault and monument company. For the past ten years her business has been terrible and now will never recover. More people since 2007 have been unable to afford a funeral and traditional burial and have turned to cremation. From a very small town in the South so this was shocking to me.
Absolutely the expectations/practices have changed far before Covid came along. I interned in funeral service way back in 2005, in a reputable, high-volume local funeral home. Even that long ago less than 1/3 of the services were what you'd call "traditional", with viewings, formal church/or funeral home ceremonies followed by casket burials and a luncheon/dinner. About 1/2 were cremations with some version of a memorial gathering (either immediately or at a later point) and the rest were direct cremations with no other action being taken. Even back then, it wasn't necessarily that people couldn't afford services, more so just that priorities and the culture around death in general was changing.

Nowadays, I'd guess it's probably 1/3 direct cremation with no services, 1/2 cremation with some form of memorial (more and more informal and often hosted in non-traditional spaces like libraries or bars) and the rest the old-time full pageantry type. And for sure, for businesses in the death-care industry to continue to thrive, they're going to need to pivot with demand. There may still be money in things like green burials, so-called "water cremation" (alkaline hydrolysis) or other even less traditional options. Heck, our kids may want to, and have the option, to compost us. :laughing:
 
My Dad died during Covid so we just did a graveside service with close family and friends after his ashes were ready. It was kind of a relief. I've already asked my sister to be thinking about what she wants for mom when the time comes. It's really about what the mourners would want. (I know my brother would prefer graveside and I'm leaning that way now too.)

I think another factor is how long many people live. My dad died at 90 after a 15 year dementia journey. His life had gotten very "small." He had not even attended church, etc. in several years even prior to Covid. Had he died when he was younger and still connected to the community (and not during Covid,) the expectations would have been very different. He had a "big" life and was well connected. His life got very "small." His siblings etc. were already gone as were many of his friends. Mom was well into her dementia journey too so her needs as his spouse were different. Now my mom has lived up by me for several years. We'll take her back to be interred with dad, but again at 91 and also with dementia, her life has gotten very "small" in terms of connections and although she is still somewhat connected with her church through the mail, it's not the same.

Some good friends passed recently who were 87 and 92 and still lived "big," active and involved in their church, community organizations, etc. (they had big services that were beautiful and well attended) so I'm in no way insinuating that everyone's lives get small as they age but the reality for many is that they do.
 
U.S. is vastly different. Some questioned when Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died that there was no autopsy. He was 79. In the U.S., if the family doesn't request an autopsy, and there are no suspicious circumstances and the person is over 59 years of age, a death is presumed to be natural and an autopsy not needed.
How does Ireland deal with people whose religions forbid autopsies?
Both my inlaws had autopsies because both passed at home (7 years apart)with no witnesses. Both were over 65. I think it was the medications they were taking that likely prompted it. The real shocking thing was they had the same exact cause of death which was aortic dissection from coronary heart disease. Dying from that is already rare, but both parents dying from the same thing is extremely rare.
 
I think they are changing and I think it is for the good. I'm fine with folks who still throw the multi-day event as that is their choice ~ but I think thanks to COVID those folks who don't want to do that find less pressure to do so. I hope folks put their finances first and not be conned in to spending what they don't have.

2020, no funeral other than a few minutes graveside with immediate family ... even with plot pre-purchased my Mom's was $18,000. That is obscene and unacceptable. I won't be having any of that. I've left strict instructions and if they are not followed I promised in writing to haunt them forever. If they want to spend money frivolously take DS#1 to Disney World.

I remember in 1990 DH grandmother was diagnosed terminal. EVERYONE traveled immediately to see her. We were the farthest at 1200 miles. She said she didn't care about the funeral but while everyone was there she wanted to treat us to all go to dinner together. She was in hospital but it was important to her that while she was alive we have a "reunion". While they are alive is the important part. We opted to stay a week to get her home and settled with hospice rather than take the days later for a funeral. We wanted to spend the time with her. I try to remember that, while they are living.
 
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My brother passed away this Tuesday morning. My sister has always been closer to him and vice versa. Both single. She is handling the funeral. One evening wake/visitation next Thursday, funeral mass and internment Friday. Pretty traditional.
Sorry for your loss Dan
 
I agree as someone else mentioned people tend to live longer so their circle of friends is likely smaller than it would have been in the past. Some may even outlive other relatives and be one of the few still around. People are also more independent and less likely to do things just because it was expected/tradition/ect. or something you thought the church wanted. A lot of people don't see the point in spending $10,000+ for something you use for one day then bury in the ground, even if they can afford it.
 
After my youngest sister passed 13 months ago today I went and made my arrangements. I chose cremation with no visitation. I was offered a traditional service or a new type. It is more of a social hour with couches and chairs, the funeral home provides coffee and tea and the family can bring in finger foods. People can get up and speak if they want. It sounded so much more relaxed so I went with that one. That way there is no need for a meal afterwards. I've told my siblings (I'm single and no kids) that if they want to change it to a traditional one they can. I just wanted to save them some of the hard work and have it paid for. I took it on a 5 year payment plan so with interest it was just under $5,000.
 
I agree as someone else mentioned people tend to live longer so their circle of friends is likely smaller than it would have been in the past. Some may even outlive other relatives and be one of the few still around. People are also more independent and less likely to do things just because it was expected/tradition/ect. or something you thought the church wanted. A lot of people don't see the point in spending $10,000+ for something you use for one day then bury in the ground, even if they can afford it.
:confused3By law in most jurisdictions, the "minimum" cremation container is a cardboard box, which is included in the price of a basic cremation. You'd be astounded at the number of people who choose to purchase a casket costing several thousand, just to incinerate. And that's with no prompting, or sales pressure at all. They seem to feel, completely of their own volition, that it's needed for the sake of dignity (or whatever).
 
:confused3By law in most jurisdictions, the "minimum" cremation container is a cardboard box, which is included in the price of a basic cremation. You'd be astounded at the number of people who choose to purchase a casket costing several thousand, just to incinerate. And that's with no prompting, or sales pressure at all. They seem to feel, completely of their own volition, that it's needed for the sake of dignity (or whatever).
Someone I knew had very little money (had just finished college and started working), when he was tasked with dealing with the sudden death of a relative all by himself. He got the cardboard box, then drove the body himself to the crematorium several hours out of state for cremation, which was the cheapest place he could find. (Sounds like a bad movie, right? :laughing: ) I think for that, he paid $1400 in its entirety. It was a difficult task, though. I don’t think I’d be up for it. :faint: I agree it seems a shame to incinerate a perfectly good (and expensive) casket.
 
I hope those that survive me can monetize my death.

Sell my body, part me out, use my body in a game show, etc.
 

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