"bedtime" for teens...

[stepmommyof1]

our son (okay, well he's my stepson) like never goes to bed. he will stay up all night if you let him. i know that's normal for a 15 yr old, i mean i was 15 in 2000 so im not that old, i remember what it was like to be a teenager.

we thought since he is 15 he should be able to go to bed when he thinks he needs to, so we tried telling him that now that he has started high school, he can be responsible for deciding when he needs to go to bed because he knows he needs sleep in order to get up for school and everything.

okay so that was a while ago.

but he just stayed up most of the night, every night. he'd sleep a little bit in the early morning hours and then get up for school. he was always up on time and was never late for school (which was good, at least), BUT he would be so exhausted that he seemed like a zombie.
i thought at some point he'd realize, bad idea, and change. you can only hope they learn from their mistakes.

nope.
he just kept on that way (only sleeping a few hours in the early morning before school) until finally he got realllyyy sick (and im sure it was lack of rest).
and that still did not make him go to bed earlier.

so, eventually his dad and i talked and decided that won't work, from now on you are going to have to go to bed when we tell you to, because obviously you are not making responsible choices for yourself.

now we have to decide when that should be. i think 10:30 is perfectly reasonable for school days/church days.

my husband said, "whatever you think is fine, dear" LOL

stepson says 10:30 is wayyy too early. i know each kid is different, you might say well maybe he doesn't need a lot of sleep, but the thing is he obviously does or he wouldn't act like a zombie and then get a long sickness.


am i being out of touch, is that too early? when do your kids go to bed for high school?

(the way i figured on 10:30 is that i read teens need 9 hours of sleep, so i just counted backward from when he needs to get up and get ready for school.)

 

[dejavugirl]

I don't have a teenager yet...(It'll be awhile still)

But I too was told to go to bed when I needed to as a teen. I usually went to bed between 11 and 11:30. ON MY OWN. I think 11 sounds a little more reasonable even though it's only a half hour difference. To your stepson it might just sound later.

Good luck!

 

[Saphire]

If he has aspirations beyond high school and wants to pursue a career, then he needs to get to bed earlier. If he just wants to 'get a job' after high-school, then he can just maintain the current track. It is up to him, but gosh, you have a lot of input at this point.
Please, continue with encouragement of an earlier bedtime. Nothing, and I mean nothing good, comes from staying up most of the night.

 

[FireDancer]

Once I was in 10th grade (1993 for me) I was allowed to determine my own bedtime as long as my grades were good. I had a bedroom build downstairs in a house with a finished basement so I could be in the living room area while everyone else was in bed and not disturb anyone.

Of course I took advantage from time to time, especially if I waited until the last minute for a project or to cram for a test, but the vast majority of the time I went to bed when I was tired.

Some kids can handle autonomy and some need more rigid guidelines, there isn't one method that will work for everyone. In the end you know your kid more then we do.

If he has aspirations beyond high school and wants to pursue a career, then he needs to get to bed earlier. If he just wants to 'get a job' after high-school, then he can just maintain the current track. It is up to him, but gosh, you have a lot of input at this point.
Please, continue with encouragement of an earlier bedtime. Nothing, and I mean nothing good, comes from staying up most of the night.

Generalize much? I imagine both Steve Jobs and Bill Gates (well, probably more Paul Allen) spent a lot of late nights getting their little mom and pop operations off the ground. If only someone had told them that they needed to get to bed earlier to be successful perhaps their companies would have stuck around and remained relevant instead of being merely a flash in the pan.

 

[Disneycrazy!!]

My 12 year old goes to bed at 9:30. My husband and I like to have our personal space to unwind at night and relax without kids around. Also my 12 yea'r old would stay up all night too and she NEVER gets up on time if she stays up late. Oh and I won't even discuss her severe crankiness and awful moods when she doesn't get enough sleep!!!!!

 

[suzannews]

Mine is a freshman in HS this year and is in bed about 10pm, usually falling asleep between 10:30 and 11. She's up at 6am with a little nagging from me. She usually takes a hour nap when she gets home at 3pm and then gets up and does homework, eats dinner, computer and phone, takes shower, etc. Weekends and vacation I am usually in bed before her.

 

[iwrbnd]

Good luck with this. We have a 17 year old and are dealing with the same thing! We are letting him go to bed when he's tired (his room is in the basement) and so far it's not going real well! But then I'm 42 and have to be up early for work which means I should be sleeping and not on the disboards!

 

[TwinsinCA]

10:30 seems awfully early to me. When I was that age, I stayed up closer to midnight most nights.

 

[Stacerita]

DD14 goes to bed when she is tired. If we have an earlier than usual day, I will remind her, but if she isn't tired, she stays up. I'm not going to send my teen to bed and make her lay in bed wide awake. Thats silly. She is the one to deal with being tired if she doesn't get enough sleep. Did you go to bed when someone told you when you were that age? It hasn't been that long for you so you should remember what its like.

 

[FireDancer]

But then I'm 42 and have to be up early for work which means I should be sleeping and not on the disboards!

When you are ready to turn that dead end job into a career you'll get to bed earlier.

 

[TheZue]

What time does he have to get up in the morning? Go back 8 hours and there is your bedtime.

 

[Stacerita]

What time does he have to get up in the morning? Go back 8 hours and there is your bedtime.

Not everyone needs or wants 8 hours.

 

[Sparx]

I think at 15 he probably knows when he's tired. If he doesn't get enough sleep and spends the next day tired, he'll go to bed earlier. This is just like the "if you're cold-put on a coat or suffer the consequences" threads.

If he doesn't get enough sleep, he'll suffer the consequences.

 

[pigletgirl]

Not everyone needs or wants 8 hours.

A growing adolescent does. He needs to sleep regardless if he wants to or not. He doesn't even know what is best for himself.

 

[BrizMarc]

find out whats keeping him awake so late, does he have a computer or tv in the bedroom? if so look at taking them out until he can get to bed at a normal time himself. Explain he can get them back if he starts going to sleep at a normal hour.

 

[Robindianne]

My bed time (I'm 48 now) was 10 pm all through high school, unless I worked later than that in the evening.

 

[stepmommyof1]

TheZue,
Not to sound rude or anything but in my original post I already said that's what I did- I counted backward from when he has to get up and I landed at 10:30. So that's what I did. Except I did 9 hours because I read that is the recommended amount for teens.


Other posters,
yeah, I know it is silly to make him go to bed if he really doesn't feel tired, I used to lay awake not feeling tired,of course I had sleeps meds later on and that helped.
Maybe he should go on sleep meds. In my own experience teen years were sooo hard in terms of sleeping. Sleep meds helped me, maybe they canhelp him too.


Stacerita,
I agree with your post , except, he's not the only one dealing with his exhaustion. I deal with it too, because when he gets sick then I have to take care of him for a couple of weeks while he is sick (well, thats only happened once but that seems to be how he is in general according to his dad).
So his dad is busy at work and of course I will take care of my stick stepchild, I love him, I'm not going to leave him feeling sick and not help him, but saying "You're sick because you haven't been getting enough rest" doesn't seem to make any impression, which is why I think he needs to just go to bed.

 

[nerdylightbulb]

I'm 15 and I go to bed at 10:30 on school nights.

 

[Planogirl]

Mine has been going to bed on his own for years but I do nag him a bit if it gets a little too late. He's 17 now and normally in bed by 11:30 but then he doesn't have to be at school until 8:30.

I would let teens put themselves to bed but urge them to go if they stay up too late. You'll land on a good time at some point.

 

[phragmipedium]

I didn't have a bedtime at that age, but I did well in school and managed myself well. I stayed up pretty late, too.

I'd try to be more flexible than 10:30 - I'd probably say should be in bed by midnight most nights and he can have the freedom to put himself to bed as long as his grades are good and he stays healthy. I know you said he was sick, but it also sounds like he was staying up a lot later than midnight and really getting minimal sleep - let him try something a little later than 10:30 but a lot better than wee hours of the morning, see how it goes, and revise as needed.

If 10:30 would give him 9 hours of sleep, midnight would give him 7.5 which might not be "ideal" but is certainly enough for most people, even teens, to function and remain healthy. Plus if he feels a little more freedom ("we're not tucking you in, but we want you in bed before midnight most nights" as opposed to "10:30, time for bed") he might be less likely to push his limits.

I know that approach would have worked a lot better for me and made me feel like I still had some control over choice of when to go to bed, and I probably would have gone to bed earlier than midnight sometimes if I was tired - whereas if I were told a specific time I needed to be in bed I'd probably push it even if I were tired.