grrr...I know you can't pick your children's friends but...

[Briar Rose 7457]

I have to give my 12 year old credit for still wanting to "work things out" with the other girl, but really. I would have written her off.

my dd and "Heather" met last year in 6th grade and became best friends. but after some of the things Heather pulled last year I didn't understand why my dd put up with her.

dd came in with a new pocketbook and showed it fo Heather. "someone" wrote on the pocketbook when dd wasn't looking. another time, Heather "accidentally" put a pen mark on dd's new t -shirt. "someone" wrote unkind things about dd in dd's yearbook last June -- dd recognized Heather's handwriting.

in September dd came back to school with a new denim jacket. Heather made a nasty remark about the jacket. dd had a favorite pair of sunglasses that all of her camp friends loved; Heather said the sunglasses were ridiculous. both girls tried out for cheerleading. Heather was convinced that she'd be a cheerleader but that dd wouldn't make the squad and said so. they both made the squad.


with friends like that, huh? wait, it gets better.


Heather has been known to say outrageous things about herself in order to get attention. in 6th grade she told several people that she was bulemic. they believed her and told her guidance counselor.

in february Heather saw the movie "Sugar and Spice". it's about cheerleaders. one of the characters is pregnant. Heather told someone at school "I'm pregnant." of course, rumors flew all over the 7th grade. someone asked my dd "is it true about Heather?" my dd said "I don't know, I'll ask her." but then my dd asked someone else if they'd heard the rumor, and Heather accused my dd of starting the rumor in the first place!


well, they all wound up in the guidance counselor's office, and they worked things out.


until now.

on Wednesday dd and another girl papered Heather's locker for her birthday. dd and the other girl almost got into trouble for this. not for papering the locker, but for the birthday greeting they wrote. Heather gave herself a nickname, you see. so they used the nickname on the sign on the locker. they didn't realize that "Happy birthday, Hooters" was inappropriate for middle school. the principal was none too pleased to see that sign on the locker.


dd tells me that Heather has been cutting class a lot lately, and got mad at dd when dd wouldn't cut class with her.

this week dd invited Heather to sit at her lunch table. another of dd's friends changed her table because she won't sit with Heather.

yesterday two of dd's friends told her things about Heather. one girl, who had a fight with Heather, said "I was at Heather's house last week before the fight and Heather's older sister was making fun of you because you're Jewish." another girl, who didn't have a fight with Heather, told my dd "Heather's parents were talking about you and making fun of the way you look." when dd asked Heather what happened, Heather replied "you know my sister was only joking."

in the lunchroom yesterday, dd sat with someone other than heather. Heather tried to interrupt dd's conversation with another girl, and got offended that dd was "ignoring" her.

I think this girl is trouble and I don't wan t my dd to be freinds with her. but if I tell her that, she won't listen.

so how do I tell her that the girl isn't her friend and to cut her off without actually saying so?

 

[Mermaid02]

What a nasty child. It's a sticky situation though.... I have a 13 year old myself. I guess about all you can do is not encourage interaction. Good luck.

 

[crazyme5kids]

Boy does this bring back memories! My oldest (DD) is 17 and I can say, "Been there done that!". These L.I. girls are brutal. Hang in there, your daughter will figure it out on her own. As far as the remarks about being Jewish, I'm not sure of what planet this kid is from, but L.I does have a large Jewish population, so it isn't as if it would be rare to meet someone who is Jewish. Tell your daughter to ignore that kind of stupidity.

 

[doxdogy]

Could it be that the child is in desperate need of some attention? I have to give your daughter credit. I mighty afraid that I would have dropped her as a friend myself. With friends like that, who needs an enemy.

 

[MomE@Home]

It sounds like "Heather" has a lot of emotional problems. Do you know how her home life is ? I ask because maybe some abuse (emotional - like possibly being ignored at home) is going on . I feel sorry for this girl! Your daughter sounds like she is trying to be a good friend to this girl but it's most likely a losing battle. Untill this girl gets some help, not much will change. You can control who your daughter invites over to your home and where your daughter goes but as for school you're out of luck. I would voice my concerns to your daughter about Heather without outright banning their 'friendship'. Hopefully things will work out or your daughter will see the light and keep her distance from Heather. Good luck !

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

I don't know the whole story, but the sun rises and sets on Heather's older sister. I ran into Heather's father at the train station last summer. I asked how Heather was doing. within a few minutes the conversation shifted to the older sister.

 

[Kallison]

Who says you can't pick your kid's friends? My oldest is almost 13 and believe me if that kind of stuff was going on it would be no longer allowed at his house and he is no longer allowed here. I work with 7th graders, that girl sounds like big trouble. I can't think of any of our students out of 260 that sound as troubled as this one. It's not your dd's place to straighten her out either, I would be afraid she will get dragged down into it with her.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

Heather doesn't come over here, and my dd hasn't been over to Heather's house in awhile.

but I couldn't prevent her from hanging out with Heather at school or cherleading practice or at social events if she wanted to.

one of dd's friends won't sit at the same table as Heather at lunchtime. andothe rtold her Heather is bad news. I think she's more inclined to listen to her to her other friends.

 

[CynJ]

sounds to me like Heather needs serious counseling.......jmo

I would encourage your dd to invite the other friends over and really emphasize to her that you approve of them ? I don't know....I don't have kids but it seems to me that Heather is a problem that could seriously escalate.

 

[Tuffcookie]

I'm with Kallison on this one. Since you have such a close relationship with your DD it's obvious she listens to you and respects you. If I knew all that about another person my child was assoicating with I think I would certainly stick my 2 cents in!
As for the decorating the lockers with "Hooters". I'm not sure I'm buying that they didn't know it wasn't appropiate
Sorry you're having to watch all this go on in your DD's life.

TC

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

I think they knew what the word means, I just don't think they realized that it wouldn't go over well with the principal.

 

[mbw12]

Wow...I am so not looking forward to those years with my kids. Kids can be so cruel. I commend your daughter for trying to make things work this long. It seems like this Heather girl really needs/craves some attention.

 

[philaround]

Briar, I think your dd has run out of "other cheeks to turn" No one in my house is allowed to disaparage any other person for their religion, race, or ethnicity. If Heather was a true friend the story would have been " Heather's sister was making fun of you because you are jewish and Heather really let her have it"

My grandfather arrived in America in 1909 and raised all his children to respect all peoples and they passed that legacy down to my generation and we are doing our best to pass it along o the next generation. Happily my dw's family has the same basic attitude.

Over the generations our familys have expanded to include at least 20 diiferent nationalities, just about every major religion of the world [and a few minor ones as well], and every major race.

We became the true melting pot that America was meant to be.

Hope your dd's other friends are supportive. All the best.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

when dd told another friend what Heather said about dd being Jewish, the other friend replied "that's not something you joke about." I think dd is getting the idea that Heather's comments are just not right.

 

[Lucky4me]

In the future there will be a 'Heather' around every corner waiting to ruin your daughters life. How she deals with Heather now will determine how she handles the next 20 Heathers she meets. Sounds like she's doing just fine to me.

Unless she is getting harmed in some way or is breaking rules, I'd stay out of it.