How much autonomy should an 18 year old home from college have?

[laurajetter]

Our oldest DS is 18 and lives on campus at college about an hour away, and comes home some weekends. When he’s home I feel we are pretty flexible regarding him seeing friends, hanging out and generally dictating for himself things he wants to do. We do though have certain expectations of him to do some activities with the family (or just spending some time at home), and we have curfews (sort of, we aren’t super strict if a bit late).

I feel though he’s been less and less cooperative and only wanting to do exactly what he wants to do and when he wants to do it. When I was in college and I came home it basically like I was back under my parents rule again and I wasn’t fully autonomous until I got married and moved out.

I feel like we aren’t as strict as my parents were, but I’m starting to feel by his reactions that he wants to be able to do his own thing without any resistance from us. He’s almost acting like he’s already moved out and living as he wishes. I know it must be a bit of an adjustment coming back home after living at his apartment independently, but isn’t it okay to still have certain expectations while he’s still living in it house? How much independence do your kids have when they’re home from college? I feel like of the things we do ask of him that we might sound (to him) like we’re nagging a lot.

 

[sam_gordon]

Our oldest DS is 18 and lives on campus at college about an hour away, and comes home some weekends. When he’s home I feel we are pretty flexible regarding him seeing friends, hanging out and generally dictating for himself things he wants to do. We do though have certain expectations of him to do some activities with the family (or just spending some time at home), and we have curfews (sort of, we aren’t super strict if a bit late).

I feel though he’s been less and less cooperative and only wanting to do exactly what he wants to do and when he wants to do it. When I was in college and I came home it basically like I was back under my parents rule again and I wasn’t fully autonomous until I got married and moved out.

I feel like we aren’t as strict as my parents were, but I’m starting to feel by his reactions that he wants to be able to do his own thing without any resistance from us. He’s almost acting like he’s already moved out and living as he wishes. I know it must be a bit of an adjustment coming back home after living at his apartment independently, but isn’t it okay to still have certain expectations while he’s still living in it house? How much independence do your kids have when they’re home from college? I feel like of the things we do ask of him that we might sound (to him) like we’re nagging a lot.

I don't think there's anything wrong with SOME limits. The ones I think are "ok"...
1) No overnight guests without our approval first.
2) No drinking/smoking.
3) Keep the volume down.
4) Keep your area cleaned up
5) Keep quiet if you come in late

As far as what you've listed...
Curfew: Nope, what's the purpose?
Family activities OK, I can see this. BUT, there should be a couple of days notice and understand he might have plans already. So instead of saying "John, we're going to have family game night on Friday", how about "John, we'd like to do a Family Game Night, what nights are you free?"

And I just reread, if he's only home for weekends, that's 2-3 days maybe? And not every weekend? I'm sure he's catching up with friends, who are more of a priority than family (at that age).

 

[holden]

I have a DD21, so I know where you are right now. It's tough.

Our DD21 moved out permanently when she was 20. We purchased a small bungalow 5 minutes from her school as an investment and for her to live in while in college (she's doing a 5 year master's program). She took a gap year, so she turned 20 shortly after she started as a freshman.

I wouldn't hold him to doing family activities when he's home. I'd invite him, but I wouldn't force it. I wouldn't force a curfew because he comes/goes as he pleases at school. If you're concerned about his safety, you can have that discussion.

It sounds like he's doing exactly what is developmentally appropriate. He's spreading his wings and learning to be independent. That's what we want them to do

Since DD21 has moved out (she's about 40 minutes from us), she comes home frequently to hang out and she asks us to do things with her (Costco runs, grabbing lunch, etc.). I feel like our relationship is better now that she has her independence.

 

[leebee]

DD didn't live with us when she was in college, but she came home for breaks. She also lived with us for the first year after college while her then-boyfriend finished his degree. Basically, it was the standard rules we'd had all along:

1. Nothing illegal- so that meant underage drinking before she turned 21, and pot/drugs (not that she indulged, but it was included, in case she had friends over). Also no smoking anything in the house, but that's never an issue as she doesn't smoke, doesn't have many friends who do, and is allergic to smoke; it just wouldn't ever happen.

2. Ask before having overnight guests. Actually, ask before having any guests for longer than a few hours. It wasn't really an "ask" but more of a notify- so we'd know if a few friends were coming for dinner and the evening or whatever; It's our home too, after all. Of course, she had a steady boyfriend we'd known for years so him staying over wasn't really an issue. I would have felt differently if it'd been a stream of "one-nighters." Sure, her life/standards are her own, but this is my house she's bringing strangers into- so I can 99% say it wouldn't have been acceptable.

3. Curfew- Didn't have one, but we had a signal-system. If we were in bed when she came home, she had to turn off the front porch lights and lock the door. That way, if I woke up in the wee small hours, I'd know if she was here. Also, if she was staying out all night, she needed to text DH so we'd know she wasn't coming home and to leave her phone on while she was out (and also if something bad happened, god forbid, we could trace her phone). She was good about this, especially once I explained that if DH and I were going to be out late or overnight, we'd let her know, and expected the same courtesy.

4. Put gas in the car if it's running very low. Anything lower than 1/8th tank needs more put in, even if it's only $10 and not filled. We need the cars for work in the morning and don't need to make an unexpected stop on the way in!

 

[NAB]

Yup I have 2 that come home but sometimes never see them much because they are hanging out with friends they left.

My son lives in a small town now so when he comes home the restraunts and shopping draws him . I always ask if he will be home for dinner. Used to plan stuff when he came home not now.

They do spend time with us but I wish it was more but understand too.

 

[slo]

This time is a challenging adjustment for both parents and child.

My DD20 is home very rarely when in school because she’s an athlete. So she’s home for the summer, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

This is my/our expectations when she’s home….
*Let me know, as soon as she knows, that she won’t be home for dinner. This way I may make something different and less of it.
*Let me know, as soon as she knows, that she’s staying the night at a friends so I don’t worry.
*Text me if she’s going to be really late coming home, so I don’t wake up at 3am to go to the bathroom and she’s not home and then I’ll be worrying.

The above isn’t her asking for permission - just her giving an FYI. My DD20 isn’t a party goer and loves her sleep, so her being home at reasonable times has never been an issue. She does love being with her friends, so we don’t make her do chores when she’s home - we want her to spend time with her friends. If we do have something we need her help with, then we’ll ask her which day is good to do this. She’s a grown up now, and has her schedule, and we respect that. We know that she will always help us when we need it - there’s never a doubt about that. When we want family time, we discuss what’s best for all our schedules, and then we make our plans. As I said before, we want her to want to be here. We never want her dreading to come home because we treat her like a high schooler.

 

[mjkacmom]

Once my kids turn 18 in HS, no curfews. I have one who flew home this weekend for bar crawls (Saint Patrick’s day parade weekend), no expectations (didn’t come home last night). If she came home there would be a good chance she’d have friends sleeping over. There are no expectations for meals or depending time with family *unless it’s a major holiday and we plan for that). I have 5 kids in their twenties, legal adults, they are treated as such. We do have a 21 year old commuter, no rules. Hmm, not sure if he’s even home right now.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

He’s almost acting like he’s already moved out and living as he wishes. I know it must be a bit of an adjustment coming back home after living at his apartment independently, but isn’t it okay to still have certain expectations while he’s still living in it house?

This comes across very confusing. If he has an apartment and is living independently he isn't living in the house. If he's coming home some weekends he also isn't living in the house.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Why does he come home some weekends?

Is he doing it because you're pressuring him to come home?
Is he doing it because he thinks that's what he's supposed to do (come back home every now and then)?
Laundry?
Hang out with friends that are back in his hometown?

IMO forcing family time is not going to net you the result you want and a curfew for what reason?

Being respectful of your parents house should be automatic (as in things like noise level, guest policies (need to be reasonable IMO), etc. But by that token you'll need to adjust your own expectations, he's an 18 yr old at college, loosen up the reigns.

 

[NYCgrrl]

There is a curfew in my home. Want to come home later? Discuss it with me so I’m aware.
Dinner is served between 6:00 and 7:00 PM; let me know if you’ll be here for it in advance.
DGD is not at a drinking age here so nothing to discuss. She’s currently living in France so that is a convo her father can have with her; not sure what the drinking age is there.

I can’t find the maid. She's always hiding - so clean your own clothes and room. Uhh apparently she doesn’t do midnight kitchen runs either so that’s still on you

Communications are paramount and required in both directions. That’s what adults do in RL.

 

[fly girl]

My child isn't of college age yet (few short years to go), but I remember when I was in college and moved in with my parents for a short time one summer when my apartment lease was up and my roommate went back to the east coast.

• No curfew as I was an adult. Why would I be expected to have one when I didn't living in a dorm/apartment. However, I would tell them if I would be out late and had the potential to spend the night elsewhere. (btw, I love @leebee porch light signal!)
• I was expected to pick up after myself. They really didn't ask me to do chores, but as an adult I made sure to help out and keep the house clean.
• No forced family time. They knew it would have been miserable for everyone forcing me when I really wanted to be with friends. My freedom was already somewhat taken with moving back in, the last thing my parents wanted to do was have me resent being home.
• I did have dinner with them most nights if I wasn't in class or working. I enjoyed that time, and there were nights we did stuff together, but it wasn't "forced." They understood that I had my own life and was in all honesty your typical selfish college kid. That's your time to be selfish.

Respect must be reciprocal. You must respect they are an adult and not have restrictions like they did when they were minors just because they are home. However, they must respect that they need to keep you in the loop and to clean up after themselves.

eta: no smoking/drinking/drugs was a no brainer in my home, so I didn't even include it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Communications are paramount and required in both directions. That’s what adults do in RL.

When is the last time you checked in with your adult child regarding your plans? Did you contact your adult child and say when you're going to be home later?

Obviously those are meant to be somewhat trick questions. You're the parent, they are your child but communication on an adult level is not really going in both directions with what you're describing. It's just you telling them what they should do according to what you want and expecting it to be followed

 

[mousefan73]

Curfew at 18? Seriously. Your child is an adult and a college kid who has moved out.
Now if living/ visiting under my roof as a courtesy i expect my kids to give me a heads up when they plan to be home or if we are to expect you home or not.

My son is 18 and currently also a college kid and comes home sometimes on the weekends. We don’t have a curfew - the idea of telling me he HAS to be home at xx time I think he would just laugh at my face (seeing he’s is living on his own with no rules). He’s an adult. he uses our car so of course when he goes out I’ll ask him. How late are you out now? Always check up on him just the basics. Let me know when you’re there. Let me know when you’re leaving. Just more or less parental angst in about a kid driving at night. Last night He was at a birthday party and he said he’s gonna stay there all night and crash. I said sure better than driving home in the middle of the night plus if he’s drinking he better stay put and crash somewhere. that’s what he did. Came home about 11 AM. Happy as can be.

 

[Disneylover99]

At 18, your son should pretty much be able to come and go as he pleases.

My son went to College at 18. The first two years, he came home maybe once a month during the school year, whenever he wanted to come home. Most weekends home he spent either sleeping or doing work. He occasionally went out with friends. But he could come and go as he pleased and there were no family expectations put on him, as in, no he didn’t have to participate in what we were doing, but he could if he wanted to, so sometimes he did.

OP, I would make those family activities optional and let go of curfews. I do think it’s reasonable for you to ask him to text you on the nights he’s at your home, if he’s out super late or spending the night elsewhere, so you don’t worry.

 

[NYCgrrl]

When is the last time you checked in with your adult child regarding your plans? Did you contact your adult child and say when you're going to be home later?

Obviously those are meant to be somewhat trick questions. You're the parent, they are your child but communication on an adult level is not really going in both directions with what you're describing. It's just you telling them what they should do according to what you want and expecting it to be followed

If my children still lived with me as adults ( not likely, thank goodness) they’d be expected to treat me as an adult and vice versa; just pretend we are roommates. I live alone but still inform someone if I’m not going to be back at my normal time. Could be a friend, a sister, a child but it needs to be someone for my safety reasons if nothing else. And my son already has the contact info for important people in my life as I have for him. I like to think of us as close knit but not stifling.

 

[disneychrista]

When is the last time you checked in with your adult child regarding your plans? Did you contact your adult child and say when you're going to be home later?

My adult daughter lives in my house and yes I do notify her of my plans. “Hey, I’m going to XYZ and won’t be home until late.” “I won’t be home tonight.” “I have a friend coming over tonight.” I expect the same of her. I think it is common curtesy to do so. I do NOT ask for permission nor does she need to.

 

[Disneylover99]

I live alone but still inform someone if I’m not going to be back at my normal time. Could be a friend, a sister, a child but it needs to be someone for my safety reasons if nothing else. And my son already has the contact info for important people in my life as I have for him. I like to think of us as close knit but not stifling.

Great idea, for anyone who lives by themselves.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

If my children still lived with me as adults ( not likely, thank goodness) they’d be expected to treat me as an adult and vice versa; just pretend we are roommates. I live alone but still inform someone if I’m not going to be back at my normal time. Could be a friend, a sister, a child but it needs to be someone for my safety reasons if nothing else. And my son already has the contact info for important people in my life as I have for him. I like to think of us as close knit but not stifling.

You're doing some of those things because it's your personal choice. I never expected that from my mom who has lived alone for close to 30 years (sans a few years across time she had a roommates) when I was back at home for breaks during my freshman and sophomore year or when I was home on weekends working during those years. Even when I was living at home for 9 months after I graduated college once my apartment lease was up in my college town. Nor did she treat it like that with me.

She certainly never had that sort of relationship with her roommates when she had them.

She didn't dictate a dinner time and expect me to let her know if I would be there or not. The default is we're both responsible for our own meals, my mom stopped making my meals years prior to that. Sometimes we were eating at the same time together, most times not.

There's room to let someone know you're home if it's quite late (I'm saying wee hours of the morn). Or nowadays with cell phones just send a quick message but a curfew? No. There's more about letting someone know you're safe than following an arbitrary time to be home which is less adult-like.

The OP is talking about an 18 yr old away majority of the time at college, I assumed your initial comment was pertaining to having an 18+ at home occasionally.

 

[MIGrandma]

When our daughter was in college she came home every weekend. We only had one request of her, that if she was going to stay out with friends really late to please call us and let us know. We figured she had her freedom at school, and as long as she kept her grades up and was responsible we had no reason to give her a bunch of rules.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My adult daughter lives in my house and yes I do notify her of my plans. “Hey, I’m going to XYZ and won’t be home until late.” “I won’t be home tonight.” “I have a friend coming over tonight.” I expect the same of her. I think it is common curtesy to do so. I do NOT ask for permission nor does she need to.

Which reads different than the PP. You're not dictating anything and as you put it not asking for permission. There's a mutual understanding that both parties have assumedly come to an agreement with. Communication between adults we often mean is about mutual understandings mutual respect and mutual agreements. That's part of the reason why posters are responding the way they are about things like curfew and expectations as the transition is going to a more adult-track as someone ages.