Is it rude - what are my options?

[Rory607]

This doesn’t sound passive-aggressive or cheap. It sounds like a parent trying to make her child’s celebration happy and set up for success.
I live in the south now, and here it is common to host alcohol free celebrations. When I lived in Chicago I never heard of such a thing. So alcohol free celebrations can be perfectly normal depending on where you are.
Agree, a luncheon might be the best way to go though. Or even a brunch would be fun.

I do think whether or not you serve alcohol is very regional. We are in the Midwest and alcohol is not commonplace at every event. But I have friends from other places that absolutely have it at every time. It’s considered bad hosting to not serve alcohol. I love a good cocktail, but also have no problem attending a dry dinner or event.

 

[potterfanatic]

Don't see anything in the original post that says that anyone in the family would "cause a scene" ..... specifically refers to them being "heavy drinkers" (whatever that might mean to them). The fact the OP just doesn't ban alcohol at the event period leads one to believe the reason is financial rather than an issue with an active alcoholic or person in recovery.

If it's an issue of alcoholism then this is a no brainer either have the dinner in a location that doesn't serve, make it known it will be an alcohol free event (no option to BYODs), or don't invite the family member(s).

You’re right. I didn’t say in the original post that we have a family member I’m trying to plan around. This person has a problem with over drinking and then being very obnoxious. I don’t know enough to say it’s alcoholism but it is a major issue when this person drinks too much, which he will absolutely do if the cost of drinks is covered.
I dont think I gave enough detail in the original post but I was wondering if there are any options on Disney property (outside the parks) that don’t serve alcohol.

 

[leebee]

I think it's more challenging if you are doing this as dinner at a restaurant, rather than a pre-planned event with a pre-set menu. I think as long as people know what to expect, you can minimize "annoyance" by carefully wording the invitation: "In honor of Jane's graduation, we'd like to invite you to dinner at SOG. Please join us for dinner and dessert to celebrate Jane's accomplishments." List the location address, date, time, and a link to the menu, and a smaller-font line that says "Cash bar available" so they get the idea that they can order whatever they'd like for dinner, on you, but it's clear that there's an adult beverage option- just not at your expense. I don't see how else you can stop people from ordering alcohol on your tab otherwise. Worst thing would be for people to order drinks and then be "surprised" by a bill at the end of the meal!

 

[erinch]

I was thinking about this more! WDW is known for some famous mocktails.
What if you worked with your meal planner to have a couple available?
maybe they would even let you name them!
Like an alliteration on your daughter’s name? (Mine would have to be Erin’s Effervescence!)
Grad Glimmer
Razzle Dazzle Tassel

here’s a few links to mocktails in WDW
https://orlandodatenightguide.com/2022/01/mocktails-at-disney-world/
and I can’t get the link to come up, but search YouTube for monorail mocktails crawl for other ideas.

 

[tguz]

Maybe the day after arrival host a graduation Breakfast at somewhere nice. That may deter the alcohol (maybe not though) if you prefer to not address the issue directly.

 

[Eniale]

Personally, I feel that if you are inviting them to dinner, you should pay for everything.

What a load of crock. People want to be lushes, they can do it on their own dime. Hosts are not obligated to provide booze at a meal.

 

[Eniale]

First congratulations on your oldest's high school graduation! I wasn't going to comment on this but here goes. I believe hosting a celebration party and then indicating you're not going to pay for everything is not in good taste. I understand it costs more to pay for alcohol, but so be it. It's your child's graduation. And to celebrate, folks are probably going to want a glass of champagne, or a glass of wine. It would never occur to me to host a party in celebration of my child's milestone (or any party for that matter) where people are bringing graduation gifts and not pay for everything. Or to tell my parents that they can pay for their own glass of wine (or bottle of champagne or whatever). Maybe it's a regional thing, but not something we'd ever consider. Now if there's a concern that some people in your party have a drinking problem, I don't believe a cash bar is going to prevent them from drinking. A good bartender should cut them off as appropriate. Just my two cents.

Key point here: it is a child's graduation.

Why on earth should the family be required to pay for adults to drink, when the guest of honor can't?

Why people think others are required to foot their tab for booze is beyond me. Should they also pay for people's designated drivers?

A meal and non-alcoholic drinks is plenty. You want more than that, you pay for it.

 

[AnnabelleTheTalkingTree]

This is exactly the problem. I was planning on purchasing a couple bottles of wine for the table, but we have a family member with a drinking problem.

Honestly I can relate, and I had a feeling after reading your first post that this might be the issue. Depending on your situation with the person in question, you might be able to just make it a rule with the particular family member that they are not to partake in alcohol around your family. This is what we've done with the family member in question in OUR family - they know that if they are to be included or invited, they are expected to not drink alcohol in front of our children due to previous issues we've had. We do serve alcohol for the rest of our guests, but this individual knows that they bear the responsibility of refraining when in our presence. This isn't to say that there are no awkward moments - the person has still asked us for alcohol and guilted us for not providing it to them - and we've had to reiterate that "no" a number of times. It can be uncomfortable and awkward for sure, but it has worked well for us. Because in the end, I'm sure this isn't just an issue for this particular celebration. I'm sure it has and will continue to be an issue in the future, unless you set some boundaries.

If that doesn't work for you, then put on the invitation that food and non-alcoholic beverages will be provided and leave it at that. This might not solve your problem though, because if others are purchasing their own drinks from the bar that leaves the opportunity for the family member in question to follow suit. Which again is why my best suggestion is to have a conversation first with the family member and let them know what you expect of them for this event and for events to come.

 

[Eniale]

Two opinions, depending on your "control" of the bar. (If it is a catered meal and you are choosing to have a bar available, you are "in control" of the bar; if it is a restaurant setting, where the bar is available regardless, you are not "in control" of the bar.)

If this is a catered meal - as in, an event where you have selected the menu that will be served similar to a wedding reception - then don't offer alcohol at all, or go the wedding route with "wine and beer only." Then set a cap such as two glasses per guests or whatever, arranged ahead of time with your bartending/serving staff. They will know how to gracefully decline a guest who tries to get a glass beyond your cap. This also solves the issue of a family member who gets obnoxious when they have overindulged. No one gets targeted or singled out because everyone has the same cap, and no one has the option to buy more past the cap and still end up making a fool of themselves. (I don't believe it is appropriate to offer a cash bar. Cash bars are very regional, but if you are "in control" of the bar, then I don't think it's appropriate to make guests pay for drinks.) Also, if you choose to forego booze altogether, don't be bullied into making it a daytime meal because "people expect alcohol at night" - they can go hit the bars afterward if they "expect" alcohol. Their alcohol dependency is not your responsibility.

If this is a dinner as in you are simply all going to a restaurant together, where guests will select their own meals from the standard menu provided by the venue and you are picking up the tab, then absolutely do not hesitate to specify that you are not funding anyone's booze. I am appalled that people think this is an obligation. That is hideously rude, in my opinion. When I am invited to dinners in this manner where a host has graciously offered to pay for my meal where I would otherwise be paying for it myself, I ALWAYS offer to pay for my own drinks, and would never assume that the host was paying for my libations.

 

[RoseGold]

What a load of crock. People want to be lushes, they can do it on their own dime. Hosts are not obligated to provide booze at a meal.

The reverse argument doesn't make sense. It's not like lush uncle won't be a lush anymore if the host isn't paying.

If OP doesn't want an adult to drink at a restaurant, which presumably serves large amounts of alcohol, even at brunch, then he needs to pick up the phone and say that. Or someone needs to say that. It has nothing to do with who is paying.

Singling out a silly payment detail like this at such an expensive meal would seem petty to me -- and it wouldn't fix the actual issue. The other way to actually fix this is to not invite that person.

 

[mousedroid]

"Not paying for alcoholic drinks" and "expecting your guests to pay for alcoholic drinks" are two different things. If I host an event and simply choose not to serve alcohol, that's fine. If I host an event and I do choose to serve alcohol, but tell my guests that they're expected to pay for it, that's gauche.

Would you consider it gauche if someone had a wedding reception with a cash bar rather than an open bar? I wouldn't, and I don't see how this is significantly different.

Also, from the sounds of it, this is at a restaurant that serves alcohol. If that's the case, then it's not really the OP's prerogative to decide on whether the guests can order alcohol or not, but they should be able to decide whether they are willing to pay for it.

More of figure of speech. The waiter is getting the drinks from the bar.

That was my thought too, Lewisc. The OP doesn't really have the prerogative to decide whether alcoholic drinks can be served at a restaurant that serves them, but they can decide whether they are willing to pay for them.

Frankly, the issue of one of the guests being an alcoholic aside, I'd be more offended if I was told I wasn't allowed to order a glass or two of wine, than if I was told that the cost of wine was not included. Actually, I don't think I'd be offended at all if the host told me upfront that the cost of alcoholic drinks was not included.

 

[CaptainAmerica]

Would you consider it gauche if someone had a wedding reception with a cash bar rather than an open bar?

Yes.

 

[AnnabelleTheTalkingTree]

Would you consider it gauche if someone had a wedding reception with a cash bar rather than an open bar?

I think the answer to this is probably regional. In my area, a cash bar is kind of frowned upon. I'm sure people do it but I've never actually been to a cash bar wedding.

That said, I don't think that line of reasoning applies the same way here. This isn't a wedding, and there is obviously an issue here with a guest who happens to be an alcoholic. The same way I wouldn't have a dry wedding simply because ONE guest happened to be an alcoholic, I wouldn't host any other event dry just because of one guest either. What I would do is address the issue with the person it needs to be addressed with. I say this from experience, as my family has been navigating this exact scenario for quite some time and we've had to lay down rules and boundaries for a particular family member in regards to not drinking around our family. If that expectation can't be met, then that person is aware that they will be asked to leave and not welcome going forward.

Making the guest in question responsible and accountable for their actions means that OP can then host this event however they see fit, and if that means a few bottles of wine on the table so be it. The individual needs to know that while there IS wine on the table, they are expected to not drink it. If they cannot do this, then the family member needs to get outside help with their addiction. They need to be in AA, or in therapy - this family needs to have some serious conversations. This is question that is a lot more complicated, really, than "is it okay to not pay for drinks?" because not paying for drinks isn't going to solve the problem. If the person is truly an alcoholic, they will pay for their own and still get access to liquor, they will still behave inappropriately. This is a problem that goes much deeper, and the fact is it sounds like OP is afraid to supply alcohol because there is a guest whose behavior is likely inappropriate and unpredictable (she says she'd supply a few bottles of wine if it weren't for this person). This really shouldn't be a question of pay or don't pay for alcohol, it's how do I set boundaries for my family?

 

[Brett Wyman]

Sorry, @petrola, will have to disagree, and agree with others - yes, it is acceptable not to pay for alchoholic drinks, and make it clear in advance.
It's not just a regional thing, but clearly you can do you.

You can request anything you want as long as its properly described on the invite so the invitees can decline if necessary. You can have a dress code of polka dotted under garments, as long as you state that on the invite and give people the option to RSVP out. The decorum here is up front clarity.

What you cant control is the under the breath mumblings AFTER you make the request.

 

[Lewisc]

Also, from the sounds of it, this is at a restaurant that serves alcohol. If that's the case, then it's not really the OP's prerogative to decide on whether the guests can order alcohol or not, but they should be able to decide whether they are willing to pay for it

The OP is considering SoG. SoG isn't open to the public. The OP said guest paid booze would require using a different venue. That makes it easy . Drinkers can walk across the street to the POLY for a night cap, after dinner.

Posters are missing this point

Other venues you can't stop guests from going to a public bar in the restaurant and ordering a drink. You should be able to stop waiters from taking orders for drinks. You could have the event in a catered environment without drinks being available.

 

[RoseGold]

Never been to SoG before, but that looks like a normal steakhouse to me. I'm sure it has plenty of booze flowing that an adult could pay for and buy. Heavy drinkers are going to expect alcohol at dinner, especially for a celebration dinner. Might as well get a bottle! If that isn't what OP wants for this dinner, then he needs to communicate his expectations.

 

[Lewisc]

Never been to SoG before, but that looks like a normal steakhouse to me. I'm sure it has plenty of booze flowing that an adult could pay for and buy. Heavy drinkers are going to expect alcohol at dinner, especially for a celebration dinner. Might as well get a bottle! If that isn't what OP wants for this dinner, then he needs to communicate his expectations.

SoG isn't open to the public. You can't walk in to the resort, go to the bar and order drinks. The resort is for military, families, some defense contractors etc. OP said a different venue would have to be selected if guest paid booze was to be offered.
I agree. Many people expect adult drinks as part of a celebratory meal. A booze free lunch would work better

 

[mousedroid]

The OP is considering SoG. SoG isn't open to the public. The OP said guest paid booze would require using a different venue. That makes it easy . Drinkers can walk across the street to the POLY for a night cap, after dinner.

I stand corrected. I was not familiar with what "Shades of Green" is, and spoke out of turn.

 

[HopperFan]

SoG isn't open to the public. You can't walk in to the resort, go to the bar and order drinks. The resort is for military, families, some defense contractors etc. OP said a different venue would have to be selected if guest paid booze was to be offered.
I agree. Many people expect adult drinks as part of a celebratory meal. A booze free lunch would work better

But do you think that this being a High School Graduation with guest of honor not of drinking age that it puts a different spin on the event. I would never expect alcohol to be served at a celebration for a "minor".

And not specific to you, but I wonder reading on this thread do all these folks who insist alcohol is a must ... do they RSVP no to any event they are invited to that is dry?

 

[CarolynFH]

Hi everyone. We are headed down to Disney World in June this year to celebrate my oldest’s high school graduation. Both sets of grandparents will be meeting us down there and are florida residents and retired military. We decided to have a graduation dinner at Shades of Green and I would like to pay for everyone’s meals. However a couple people in our group are heavy drinkers and we would like to keep this a sober event. Would it be rude to state on the invite that we will be covering the cost of the meal but not adult beverages? Should we consider another meal location on property that we can pay upfront for everything and people pay individually if they want to add drinks? If so where would you recommend?

I don’t think it’s at all rude to state clearly when you issue the invitations that the meal and non-alcoholic beverages are your treat. It would be rude to wait until the actual event to notify your guests of that.