Is it rude - what are my options?

[petrola]

This is exactly the problem. I was planning on purchasing a couple bottles of wine for the table, but we have a family member with a drinking problem.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. This is definitely tricky, because people with drinking problems always seem to find a way to get alcohol no matter what. ugh. I wish I had some advice and I hope everything goes well!

 

[Lewisc]

OP asked about options. You could just pay and offer beer and wine. You could pay for round of champagne for a celebratory toast.

PP are correct. Nothing wrong with a cash bar.

 

[CaptainAmerica]

PP are correct. Nothing wrong with a cash bar.

If I understand the way this is being described, it sounds like this is "seated and ordering from a menu." It's not a wedding reception or catered event. There's no "bar".

 

[CynBeth]

We don’t drink and did not want alcohol at our wedding we had all sorts of non-alcoholic drinks offered. Is this Shades of Green dinner a prefix where you pay a set price and get to choose an appetizer, entree, dessert, and non alcoholic drink or is this a thing where everyone chooses whatever they want from the menu? Hopefully however it is you can work with the restaurant to not offer anything alcoholic.

 

[Lewisc]

If I understand the way this is being described, it sounds like this is "seated and ordering from a menu." It's not a wedding reception or catered event. There's no "bar".

More of figure of speech. The waiter is getting the drinks from the bar.

 

[marcyleecorgan]

If you truly feel that Uncle Bailey won't be able to keep his hands off Other People's Drinks, or will just get up and go to the bar, it's probably best to eat at a restaurant that does not provide alcohol. There's nothing you can change about their choice to drink beforehand, but you might be able to minimize how much is consumed during the meal. And if Uncle is going to bring his own flask .... well, you know, it's just best if you don't invite them.

I understand social drinking but at the same time, if the Alcoholic cannot distinguish between a champagne toast or CHUG CHUG CHUG, you absolutely cannot be Enabling that consumption!

 

[MakiraMarlena]

I think the options are to either include everything or make it clear that it is BYOB (buy your own booze). You're going to have issues if you don't want anyone present to order alcoholic beverages at all no matter who is paying, so you'd better make that clear if that's what you are intending - and do it before they show up at the venue. Then, at least, they can decline to attend if it's too much.

 

[Eastern]

I have been to many 'events' where there has been an open bar or a cash bar. Just went to a post funeral lunch with a cash bar. That was only momentarily awkward as the host did not note there was a 'cash bar'. Took one trip to the bar to find that out when the bartender said, 'that will be xx $$'.

It doesn't matter one way or the other, it is the host's choice. Just be sure to note, 'for those who desire, there will be a cash bar available'. And of course let the manager/servers know in advance.

 

[Eeyore daily]

As someone who is marrying someone in AA and has family members who can't function without alcohol, I feel it's fine to say you're not paying for alcohol. Now if it's private catering that SOG does and you decide not to host a bar that's fine, but if you're simply doing a group dinner and will pay for all the meals and non-alcoholic drinks in hopes of preventing someone from drinking will not work. People who want to drink will find a way. If you even state "we want this to be a sober event" is 100% okay to me. It's not their party nor are they paying for it.

 

[Eastern]

Personally, I feel that if you are inviting them to dinner, you should pay for everything.

No, I'm old and have been to countless parties and events. Hosts sometimes do not pay for alcoholic beverages. Life goes on.

 

[Best Aunt]

Maybe choose a restaurant that doesn't serve alcohol is that is your main concern and then you can avoid any awkwardness.

If you truly feel that Uncle Bailey won't be able to keep his hands off Other People's Drinks, or will just get up and go to the bar, it's probably best to eat at a restaurant that does not provide alcohol.

Are there any table service restaurants at Disney World these days that don't serve alcohol? I think Magic Kingdom used to be "dry," but they dropped that rule.

(Not saying OP should necessarily choose a restaurant that doesn't serve alcohol, just wondering if it's even an option.)

 

[DLgal]

Probably a completely unpopular suggestion but:

Don't invite the alcoholic if they can't be trusted not to get sloshed at a high school graduation dinner celebration.

 

[DeeBee3]

Probably a completely unpopular suggestion but:

Don't invite the alcoholic if they can't be trusted not to get sloshed at a high school graduation dinner celebration.

Actually was going to say that same thing, even though it stinks. It's your kid's day and the focus should be on them, not the stress of making sure someone with a problem doesn't cause an issue. It could really make a bad memory for your child.

This is not being a terrible person - it's experience. As others have said, if there is a problem there, that person will find a way to drink. If they drink in secret, may not be an issue. If they tend to go all out with other people, totally unavoidable.

 

[potterfanatic]

Are there any table service restaurants at Disney World these days that don't serve alcohol? I think Magic Kingdom used to be "dry," but they dropped that rule.

(Not saying OP should necessarily choose a restaurant that doesn't serve alcohol, just wondering if it's even an option.)

This is more what I meant with the “What are the options?” My graduate had originally asked for a completely alcohol free dinner because of our family member, so we planned on Magic Kingdom, but they just backed out of going to the parks with us, and I can’t think of a place that is dry outside of the parks.

Everyone is giving great advice. I think I will just talk to the server and say I’m going to cover food and non alcoholic beverages. And I’ll let the family know via text before hand that’s going to be the case. Thank you all for your help!

 

[Lewisc]

? Should we consider another meal location on property that we can pay upfront for everything and people pay individually if they want to add drinks? If so where would you recommend?

I missed that in your OP. Are you saying guests won't be allowed to pay for their own drinks? Skip the drinks, or go with just a congratatory toast. Those who are interested can walk over to the POLY for a night cap

 

[TwoMisfits]

So, this changes things.

I would actually host at a site that gives you a separate room for your party and a separate menu which includes non-alcoholic beverages.

I have hosted MANY private room 3 course and 4 course sit down lunches with non-alcoholic beverages and coffee included. We were a "by the head" priced group and the restaurant gave us our own menus with their course options. While the restaurants had alcohol, it never came up b/c we had a set plan in place and everyone knew it, b/c I even sent the menus in advance with the invites, so folks could know if it worked for their dietary needs, food desires, and allergies (and everyone was out of town, so they knew they wouldn't starve on the way home).

TL/DR - I would not go as a "regular restaurant" party, but as a catered event, and list all the details for that event. If the alcoholic is going to leave the event to go find alcohol, well, he/she might bring it in with them, too...but this way, you've limited the possibilities.

PS - I did my events this way b/c I had 2 drinkers who weren't alcoholics, but thought nothing of a few beers and then driving...and I didn't want them trying that on I-95...

PPS - Usually, I had to guarantee 15 or 20 adults, so this may not be possible for you...but if you're close to 15...

 

[focusondisney]

Everyone is giving great advice. I think I will just talk to the server and say I’m going to cover food and non alcoholic beverages. And I’ll let the family know via text before hand that’s going to be the case. Thank you all for your help!

That sounds fine. But you also mentioned getting a few bottles of wine for the table. I would hope that is not still the plan. Especially if the graduate asked for no alcohol. I would not even bring up alcohol to the guests. Say something along the lines of what they put on the menus for prix fixe meals : “3 course dinner, soft drinks, coffee & tea will be served”.

Not everything in the world has to include alcohol. Even graduation parties.

 

[HopperFan]

Not sure this person's relation but honestly if it were me (and I've hosted lots of parties) I would not invite them. If someone says something I'd say "I'm sorry this is Billy's high school graduation dinner. We don't want heavy drinking and partying. We feel it would be too difficult for Uncle Joe." Now if this is a grandparent, and the fear is great it will go sour, I'd be planning a highly structured dinner.

No one has a right to an invitation, no one has the right to abuse an invitation and no one has the right to dictate what a host serves.

First congratulations on your oldest's high school graduation! I wasn't going to comment on this but here goes. I believe hosting a celebration party and then indicating you're not going to pay for everything is not in good taste. I understand it costs more to pay for alcohol, but so be it. It's your child's graduation. And to celebrate, folks are probably going to want a glass of champagne, or a glass of wine. It would never occur to me to host a party in celebration of my child's milestone (or any party for that matter) where people are bringing graduation gifts and not pay for everything. Or to tell my parents that they can pay for their own glass of wine (or bottle of champagne or whatever). Maybe it's a regional thing, but not something we'd ever consider. Now if there's a concern that some people in your party have a drinking problem, I don't believe a cash bar is going to prevent them from drinking. A good bartender should cut them off as appropriate. Just my two cents.

Given the person being celebrated is not old enough to drink, there doesn't need to be any alcohol at all.

No event has rules about what must be served. Hosting a party means the host picks the menu. So they are paying for everything, everything they are serving. If a guest is not happy with the offered menu, they can RSVP no. When I host parties I supply EVERYTHING, but I have family that when they host they expect everyone to bring something. Bugs me but it is their right and I have the right to not go.

My fear is if the person OP is concerned about comes, no doubt they will be pre-gaming before dinner and any additional alcohol they can easily access (especially free) will set up a scenario OP is trying to avoid. Their child gets one high school graduation, no redos.

 

[lockets]

I’ve never been to shades of green so I don’t know what the pricing is like but one venue that comes to mind is the set up at steakhouse 71. They have tables and then they have that big bar in a separate but open-to-all-the-tables area. For this situation I’d probably try to host the dinner at a restaurant like that where the food is ordered with a waiter. Waiter instructed if anyone wants alcohol (including you) that it’s purchased direct at the bar and let anyone who drinks come and go as they please from the table to the bar. No bottles purchased for the table. Everyone gets whatever they want at the cash bar.

An exception might be a bottle of champagne provided by host with desert for one toast and that’s it.

Not sure if this would work at that restaurant specifically but this is how I’d envision having an event with mixed levels of drinkers.

Also we cannot control someone else’s drinking or alcoholism. Barring them being a disturbance to the party - the event should include them if possible (if they are an important family or friend). Or not, if they are totally off the rails on a daily basis and not in a mindset to show up appropriately. IMHO the event should be planned with the graduate in mind and not with “let’s all tip toe around the alcoholic and worry about the alcoholics” in mind.

They don’t have to cut off their drinking. But you are allowed to cut off funding it.

That being said, the moderate/social drinkers who celebrate responsibly can have access to alcohol in this scenario.

I likely wouldn’t host a sober event unless I myself were sober and bonus if I were inviting a lot of people from a sober program. That’s a situation where alcohol shouldn’t be served and the few guests who might still drink would need to deal with it.

 

[J-Dog]

I would agree with everyone that it is absolutely fine etiquette to tell people, either informally or formally, that you will pay for dinner and non-alcoholic drinks, but not for alcohol.

However, everyone's family is different. For ours, making a no-alcohol-allowed event wouldn't be an option. If I did that, no one would show-up.