May & Mother's Day isn't easy for everyone

[MamaMermaid]

I hear you. My dad died suddenly in 2020 and this is exactly how I feel about Father's Day. Lots of love to all those struggling these next two months/holidays.

 

[LuvOrlando]

My mantra today, maybe I'll pick a new thought to focus on every day.
Maybe I'll try on a new point of view and mother myself, nothing says I can't

 

[slo]

Beautiful post @LuvOrlando

Mother’s Day is a mixed emotions holiday for me…..

Happy….because I still have my wonderful mother, a wonderful MIL and my DD19 who is my best friend.

Sad….because I miss my grandma (RIP) who I miss horribly still after her passing away 17 years ago - she was one of my most trusted advisers. Also sad because my DD24 has left me/us due to a horrible husband who brainwashed her into thinking his family is the only way for her, and she has kept us from our grandchildren. I am a grandma that can’t hug and love her grandchildren - my grandson is 2yrs old (haven’t seen him since he was 10 months old) and my granddaughter is 10 months old (we never met her - we were never told she was born - I found out from others that saw it on Facebook). We send the children gifts and we don’t even get a picture in return. I always wanted to be the type of grandma my grandma was to me, and that was robbed from me, so needless to say, seeing grandma cards on Mother’s Day is double depressing for me.

 

[kymom99]

Coming from someone who works with children, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day can be difficult/sad/awkward/confusing for them as well. There are so many kids without one or more parent in their Iives. When we make Mother’s Day gifts, which the kids love to do, it has to be prefaced with a talk about people who might take on the role of mother. And the fact that not everyone has one. I always tell the kids that my mom is gone now, but I have aunts and other special people that I can remember in Mother’s Day.

My grandson was coming out of Kroger with his mom on Father’s Day last year. His father has no role in his life. An employee was handing out gifts to men as they walked out. She handed one to my grandson and said give this to your dad. He was 7 at the time and it just shined a light on his situation, which he cannot fully understand yet. The lady meant no harm, and it’s our issue to deal with, but it’s difficult.

 

[NannyBeBe]

After several bad relationships and a disastrous engagement, my daughter chose not to marry or have children. She teaches 3rd grade and I can tell you that she has stepped into the role of mother to many children over the years. She has wiped many a tear, hugged many a hurting child, and counseled many a troubled little one. Some of her students are emotionally and physically neglected; and for them, she is the only mother figure they have ever known.

 

[White Cat]

I know too that women who had abortions can have trouble dealing with Mother’s Day.

 

[Praise2Him]

I know too that women who had abortions can have trouble dealing with Mother’s Day.

Yes

 

[1420Elexismc]

I lost both my parents within 3 years of each other. Both Mother's and Father's Day are bittersweet. I am a mom, so I celebrate with my kids in one way or another. I am also lucky in that I have in laws that try and get together as a family to have a meal together monthly, they usually try and plan it around these days during May & June, so it's been a nice distraction. I still struggle most days because I just miss them and I'm sad they have missed out on so much, but I'm thankful to have solid support around me.

 

[Snowflakey]

This is only my second Mothers day without my Mom and my first without my mother in law. I choose happiness by celebrating them rather than be sad. For those I see out an about with their Moms, I'm happy for them. And for all the times each and every week I'm with my daughters and their families I'm grateful that I'm here.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I find it rather odd that women who chose to remain childless are included. Seems to me to suggest that those who've so chosen must regret being childless or feel left out.

Mother's Day has never been difficult for me. In fact, I'm thankful I chose not to have children and that I live in an era when that is possible. I would not have been a good mother.

If anything, it's a day I simply don't notice or disregard as irrelevant since both my mother and MIL are gone.

I don't care for the commercialism associated with the day either.

To me it's celebrating those women too because not having children doesn't make them any less worthy of consideration especially in a society that still stigmatizes this.

I'm sorry you don't see it as a positive way of recognizing your value

 

[fla4fun]

I find it rather odd that women who chose to remain childless are included. Seems to me to suggest that those who've so chosen must regret being childless or feel left out.

As someone who has chosen to be childless, Mother’s Day brings out a lot more of the nagging questions about why I don’t have them, or I will be sorry I don’t have them, or awww, it’s too bad no one is celebrating you today. I did not make the choice lightly, and it’s so annoying when people question it, all the while acting superior because they did have children. My choice is just as valid as theirs. So I usually don’t go out on Mother’s Day at all.

I have lost both my parents, and my dad’s birthday is in early May, and often fell on Mother’s Day. It’s kind of a double whammy emotionally, and I am glad when we get to the middle of the month.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

As someone who has chosen to be childless, Mother’s Day brings out a lot more of the nagging questions about why I don’t have them, or I will be sorry I don’t have them, or awww, it’s too bad no one is celebrating you today. I did not make the choice lightly, and it’s so annoying when people question it, all the while acting superior because they did have children. My choice is just as valid as theirs. So I usually don’t go out on Mother’s Day at all.

I have lost both my parents, and my dad’s birthday is in early May, and often fell on Mother’s Day. It’s kind of a double whammy emotionally, and I am glad when we get to the middle of the month.

A couple years back my step-father-in-law without any ill intent on Father's Day mentioned at breakfast to my husband "maybe next year you'll be celebrating it too"...people don't always realize the type of intrusiveness that can happen still or the type of comments made.

It hurt more because a few minutes after my husband sternly asked them to stop asking/prying my sister-in-law was asking for a kid's menu because she wasn't too too hungry and I mentioned I had no idea this restaurant had a kids menu (never saw it on tables I guess) and my mother-in-law also without any ill intent said "well if you had kids you would know".

We plan on having kids at this point but we're fine with not in this immediate moment but people still like to pry or make comments.

 

[White Cat]

To me it's celebrating those women too because not having children doesn't make them any less worthy of consideration especially in a society that still stigmatizes this.

I'm sorry you don't see it as a positive way of recognizing your value

That’s a dig. The flower doesn’t lessen that. She never said or gave any indication of feeling less. It’s Mother’s Day. It’s to celebrate mothers and to remember deceased mothers.

 

[BlueStarryHat]

One of my nieces is having real trouble conceiving. She and her husband have been trying for years to have a baby. He has two young girls from his first marriage and has full custody, and my niece loves those girls as if they are her own. But she is grieving. Her insurance won't pay for fertility treatments, which is an expensive road to go down. Many people might not know this, but adoption isn't free, either. They can't afford to do these things. Mother's Day is hard for her because well-meaning people always ask her when she's going to have a baby.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

That’s a dig. She never said or gave any indication of feeling less. It’s Mother’s Day. It’s to celebrate mothers and to remember deceased mothers.

No dig whatsoever actually, everyone has value here and everyone is deserving of recognition even if it was their choice that does not mean they can't be recognized.

FTR the PP's post was disparaging towards others. Just because they feel that way does not mean you cannot extend empathy towards others. "I don't feel left out but I can understand how others may feel that way" is quite different than what was said.

YMMV have a good day Art

 

[dreamer17555]

Huge hugs going out to those who are motherless not by choice, to those missing their mothers, to those mothers who are grieving lost children, and to those of us who have extremely difficult relationships with our own moms.

Give yourself a lot of extra grace in the coming days. If anybody needs to talk off board or vent to or anything, my PMs are always open.

ETA- if you are childless by choice and feeling out left out on Mother’s Day you can also shoot me a PM if you want to ever talk because I know feeling like you’re one of a handful of women not getting recognition can hurt too

 

[BlueStarryHat]

That’s a dig. The flower doesn’t lessen that. She never said or gave any indication of feeling less. It’s Mother’s Day. It’s to celebrate mothers and to remember deceased mothers.

Please don't come into a really nice and helpful thread to start up with posts like these. I am childless by choice and medically. I chose not to have children because of my mental illness, and then I was told that my endometriosis was so advanced and that the scar tissue on my uterus meant that it would never expand to hold a growing baby. I found that there is a great difference between choosing not to have a child and being told that you can't.

I have nieces and a nephew I helped raise, and a little Godson I adore. I put any 'Mom' energy I have into helping with him.

 

[BrianL]

You know, I don't necessarily think that non-Mothers need to be included in Mother's Day, but also I recognize that it only comes from a place of compassion and love, and I don't mind that at all. It seems to be rankling some, but I look at the intent, so what's the big deal?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

As someone who has chosen to be childless, Mother’s Day brings out a lot more of the nagging questions about why I don’t have them, or I will be sorry I don’t have them, or awww, it’s too bad no one is celebrating you today. I did not make the choice lightly, and it’s so annoying when people question it, all the while acting superior because they did have children. My choice is just as valid as theirs. So I usually don’t go out on Mother’s Day at all.

I have lost both my parents, and my dad’s birthday is in early May, and often fell on Mother’s Day. It’s kind of a double whammy emotionally, and I am glad when we get to the middle of the month.

The bolded is an interesting word choice. I can assure you I don’t walk around thinking I’m superior because I have children. I have compassion for anyone who wants children but is unable to have them because I lived it, too, and I well remember those feelings and comments from others, etc. And I also respect others’ choices if they choose not to have children. I was on the fence for a time myself, too.

I remember being out and about with twins in a double stroller and having doors slammed right in my face, often by younger people who had no clue what it was like trying to open a door and get a big stroller through by yourself. It was usually other parents who stopped to hold the door for me, because they understood. I go out of my way to do it myself now, too. I just think our experiences are all relative.

 

[fla4fun]

The bolded is an interesting word choice. I can assure you I don’t walk around thinking I’m superior because I have children. I have compassion for anyone who wants children but is unable to have them because I lived it, too, and I well remember those feelings and comments from others, etc. And I also respect others’ choices if they choose not to have children. I was on the fence for a time myself, too.

I remember being out and about with twins in a double stroller and having doors slammed right in my face, often by younger people who had no clue what it was like trying to open a door and get a big stroller through by yourself. It was usually other parents who stopped to hold the door for me, because they understood. I go out of my way to do it myself now, too. I just think our experiences are all relative.

Someone who is empathetic like you wouldn’t go out of their way to try to make someone feel bad for simply living their life on their own terms. That is the difference, and I wish there were more people who could see both sides of the issue. Thank you!

The people who do question my choice definitely have looked down on me for not fulfilling what they consider to be my role in society. It has been very obvious in the tone of their voice, the expression on their face, and the words they choose, as well as the fact that they continue commenting about how much better my life would be with children until I can get away. I am not saying it happens with everyone I meet, but it always happens at least once if I go out on Mother’s Day. So now that my mother is gone, I simply stay home that day.

I realize when encountering someone like this, that it says a lot more about them than it does about me. Back to the OP’s post, I took the original context to mean be considerate on Mother’s Day to those who don’t have children because you don’t know why they made the decision and they might not want to talk about it. Sounds like you are on board with those feelings, and I appreciate it.