My heart is breaking.....

[PIRATEGIRL007]

Not to be mean but sounds like a trip to Disney is the least of thier problems, maybe that money and time would be better spent on some good marriage counseling.

I know its upsetting for you to lose trip companions (been there) b/c of circumstances beyond your control but if I were in your shoes I would not complain or be sad around the sister b/c they can't go that is only going to make it worse, just leave the offer on the table if they can come but don't put any additional pressure on an already unstable marriage.

 

[jrt1176]

My advice is to take your sister and only her!

My family has been going to disney together since I was a kid and we have only gone with other family members a couple of times.

It's a great place to share, but we enjoy how we do it! Some family members like to do things their way and it would just put a damper on things somewhat if we were to go with them...

I have a niece now and I cant wait to show it all to her...

But, it sounds like your brother in law will kind of ruin things...so why bring him?

You sister is into it so bring her and leave the grumpy guy home!

 

[Dawgdad]

my suggestion would be that your SIL tell her husband to grow up. It amazes me at the childishness of some people and the way they handle their most valuable relationship (marriage). Sounds like he's playing control games...if they can't afford it, that's one thing - say you can't afford it and that's the end of it. But if it's just a bad attitude, she should pack the kids and go on vacation - if he doesn't like it, get on board, or get out. I assume your SIL is an adult - and as such she has an equal say in the decisions of the family - I hate to see someone become a victim of a bully.

 

[maitlynn]

I sure would not want him on any trip i was participating in .

GLuck!

 

[brockash]

I tend to be a bit snotty and snarky when people mess with my plans. My SIL was in the same boat a few years ago when I planned our big trip. Her DH was the same way, kept telling her that if she kept talking about it they weren't going. She finally said no, YOU aren't going, I AM going and with your attitude I really don't want you there to ruin MY trip! She went without him and we all had a great time. He was livid but he got over it. Maybe your SIL needs to put her foot down and say something similar?

ITA. My DH used to try to throw a fit every time I wanted to make plans to go visit family or even talk about going to Disney. Well that got real old real fast. I basically told him for a long time that he can come if he wants, but doesn't have to and if he's not going to enjoy himself when he's wherever we're going, then I'd rather he'd not go. I also explained that I was fine with going places he wanted or if he just wanted to take the kids that was fine too.
He has since learned that I'm going whether he's mad about it or not, and he's found that it's really just better all around if he just lets it go and let me tell you things are sooo much better now, and we've been going to Disney every year for the last 5 years. If he can get off work (or wants to get off work)/is not deployed he comes, if he can't/doesn't, that's fine.

I think your dsil needs to sit down and have a serious talk with her dh about their life in general. He doesn't get to control everything and it sounds like he's trying to and acting like her parent instead of her partner..."if you keep asking the answer will be no"??? - what the heck is that? That's something I say to my kids, not my dh.

 

[Raenstoirm]

Divorce??

As a psychologist I have heard this tale many times and it is never good. Either dsil is lying to you about the situation (perhaps money is tight and she is unwilling to admit that) or something is very wrong with their marriage. My first instinct was abuse (but that is the field I work in so I might just be a bit gun shy). Particularly since she didn't want you to talk Disney to "rock the boat." Those are BAD words.

 

[natenapril]

She should go with you guys and leave him home!! Sounds like she could use some fun!

 

[Disneyholic]

Divorce??

As a psychologist I have heard this tale many times and it is never good. Either dsil is lying to you about the situation (perhaps money is tight and she is unwilling to admit that) or something is very wrong with their marriage. My first instinct was abuse (but that is the field I work in so I might just be a bit gun shy). Particularly since she didn't want you to talk Disney to "rock the boat." Those are BAD words.

I'm not a psychologist, but a psycosmetologist (Hairdresser - people tell us & bartenders even more than they will tell a psychologist sometimes). I do not tell people what to do. I give them tools to help them think through what their problem is (write a list of pros & cons of staying or leaving and look them over real good, then make their decision). I do not tell them what to do because then if they don't like the outcome they can't blame me.

This situation sound a lot like some people I have seen though abusive marriages. He's definately a control freak. Doesn't only want to control her, but her family too. Definately be there for her, but she has to decide when enough is enough.

 

[pickles]

She doesnt need to ask his permission. She simply needs to tell you if she is going or not. She can certainly invite him. Obviously, his answer is already "no" , so now you just need her answer

time for her to grow up, she doesnt need to ask "daddy" anymore if she can go or not

 

[humboldthny]

I would happily leave that man behind!

And I'm not sure I'd want him there when I got home!

Frankly he sounds like a controlling jerk...unfortunately for your SIL she's going to have to fight her own battles on this one. I don't see that there's much you can do.

 

[saradela]

I will say " bye bye hubby" "hope you miss me"

 

[iheartdolewhips]

Well for one thing, you and your family shouldn't get involved in your sister and her husband's marriage. It's not your place to convince him to go or anything like that. And yes, that may mean that you don't get to talk about Disney around him.

I think her husband might feel that you all planned this trip without his consent - especially given his reaction to the hotel being booked. You all booked the hotel rooms as though he's going and he hadn't even said yes to it. I know that would really tick my husband off, regardless of how he felt about Disney.

 

[DisTeach1]

I am amazed at the simplistic answers some posters gave. Do they really think that it is easy for a woman in an abusive, controlling relationship (which this sounds like) to just say "bye-bye, I'll go without you." Seriously, as others said, it is so much more than that. First of all, if he controls her that way, he controls the money, and she has probably been beaten down verbally and emotionally and could never consider going without him...Again, this is much more serious than a trip to Disney.

To the OP-Why are you acting like this is only about a trip to Disney? I wouldn't keep talking about it and harping about, and as her brother, I think maybe your DH should ask if she is "okay", and not just for Disney, but in all other areas, and can he help...But maybe your heart should be breaking for her, not just because of Disney.

As others have said, he doesn't sound like someone I would want along, and I think if he goes, he will ruin the trip. I think you should stop mentioning it, and give her a deadline, and then proceed without her.

 

[kmk1180]

Well for one thing, you and your family shouldn't get involved in your sister and her husband's marriage. It's not your place to convince him to go or anything like that. And yes, that may mean that you don't get to talk about Disney around him.

.

I agree with this.
I also agree with others about him sounding like a jerk but it's not anyone elses place to tell them when and where to go on vacation.
I wouldn't like it if my sister in law was pressuring me to go on vacation with her just because she wanted us to go.
Just because you want them to go isn't reason to force the issue.
You have your plans, your sister knows, if they work it out and agree to go then fine, if not they they don't
Either way, it's best you drop the subject and let them work it out themselves.

 

[jordancej]

I would happily leave that man behind!

I agree! Sorry to hear about your Dh's sister situation.... seems that he is a control freak, and if he's doing this now, how is he going to be on the trip?? I used to have a husband like that.... Hope everything works out for you!

 

[PSUGuy]

First, I wouldn't want 'them' to come along, only her, and you offered her that option. Now it's up to her to say to this lout, 'I'm going with my family to Disney, if we don't get an answer from you one way or another by tomorrow, your invitation is withdrawn and you can't come'. The only way to deal with people like him, and I've crossed swords with many of this type over the years, is to take the decision and the choice out of their hands. If the SIL cannot do even this, she's got way more problems to contend with than a WDW trip. Good luck.

Bill From PA

 

[Sammie]

I am amazed at the simplistic answers some posters gave. Do they really think that it is easy for a woman in an abusive, controlling relationship (which this sounds like) to just say "bye-bye, I'll go without you." Seriously, as others said, it is so much more than that. First of all, if he controls her that way, he controls the money, and she has probably been beaten down verbally and emotionally and could never consider going without him...Again, this is much more serious than a trip to Disney.

To the OP-Why are you acting like this is only about a trip to Disney? I wouldn't keep talking about it and harping about, and as her brother, I think maybe your DH should ask if she is "okay", and not just for Disney, but in all other areas, and can he help...But maybe your heart should be breaking for her, not just because of Disney.

As others have said, he doesn't sound like someone I would want along, and I think if he goes, he will ruin the trip. I think you should stop mentioning it, and give her a deadline, and then proceed without her.

I agree. I realize that this is a Disney vacation planning forum but there are more important things in life than a Disney vacation.

You gave great advice, to the OP quit the discussion except among your own personal family. You invited SIL and she needs to either commit to going or not.

Also are you getting all this info from the SIL, or have you actually heard the BIL make these statements. Truly sometimes people don't want to go or can't go due to finances and the easy way to keep from being embarrassed about it, is to put the blame elsewhere. Does he act this way about everything they do as a couple and she or is it all about this trip.

 

[ShannonMB]

Very controlling. You know, they say guys like that like to put a wedge between the woman and her family, basically making her "choose sides" so he can alienate her and have her totally under his control with no outside influences.

Obviously I can't say this is for sure how the BIL is from one post about a Disney trip, but it sure sounds like it. And there's not a thing OP can do other than NOT allow him to come between her and her family, support her, and hope she decides she doesn't want to be in that situation at some point.

Or, he may just not want to go to Disney! In which case, she should just go without him!

 

[bumbershoot]

I'm not a psychologist, but a psycosmetologist (Hairdresser...

Love it. I'm not a talker *at all* when getting my hair cut, but I know most are, and that's hilarious!

You all booked the hotel rooms as though he's going and he hadn't even said yes to it. I know that would really tick my husband off, regardless of how he felt about Disney.

He really wouldn't understand that if you want good rooms at a good price they have to be booked in advance? And that booking a hotel room, unless it's absolutely noncancelable nonrefundable, can easily be undone?

I am amazed at the simplistic answers some posters gave. Do they really think that it is easy for a woman in an abusive, controlling relationship (which this sounds like) to just say "bye-bye, I'll go without you.

I think the point is that no one KNOWS if it's just a hubby in a bad mood, a marriage with bad communication, or if he's abusive. Her telling him "bye bye" would certainly cause people to find out fast! Anyway, if it's just mood or communication, her going or speaking up would be fine.

 

[letthewookiewin]

Honestly your DSIL's DH sounds a lot like my DH when we first got married. We were married at a very young age, 19. There wasn't a pregnancy where we felt like we "had" to get married, we were just "so in love". His controlling started before we got married. My mom and sister planned most of our wedding b/c he wouldn't let me drive the hour drive to their house. He didn't want to go and he wouldn't let me drive by myself. Although he didn't mind me making the hour drive while we were dating to see him. After we got married, if I wanted to see my family I had to get his "permission" to go. I wasn't "allowed" to go on my own. If he didn't want to go, I didn't get to go either. Finally I had enough. By this time, we had 2 DS's and I didn't want them to think it was ok for them to treat their future spouses like that. During a huge agrument I told him that he was not my father, I was an adult and he was no longer going to be the dictator of our family. I would consult him, basically just a schedule check. If he could go to whatever it was, great he would get to go. If no, then we would go without him. After that I made several trips with my family without him, and even one with his family. I even made one trip with my family without him and he was left at home to keep the kids. We were moving my sister in a 3rd floor apartment in New Orleans in August. We both decided it was a better idea for them to stay at home with dad. Looking back at how he acted at the beginning of our marriage, he can't believe how stupid he was.

Whether they go or not, I hope you have a magical trip. Hopefully your DSIL's DH will turn around like mine did.