Parents of son's friend invitied him on a Disney trip for spring break next year

[ShayBells]

I’m just gonna throw this out there. No one paid for my college except the college loans that are in my name only. And my older siblings just got co-signed but no monetary help. We went on vacations 1-2 times a year to all sorts for places. Disney, camping, the beach etc. (I feel very blessed of this fact. I know not everyone is able but for the record the fishing trips that were free to the local lake were some of my favorites.) My point, in my individual opinion, which I know not everyone shares is... I would not in a million years exchange my student debt for those vacations.

 

[Princessclab]

I'm getting a whiff of troll. Or maybe a bored teenager with a keyboard.

I agree, troll.
Not mature adult rationale thinking, lots of self pity.
Any parent would want their child to take any opportunity given to them.

 

[Julylady]

Okay. So I just got off the phone with my Mom. She said her goal was to make sure our childhood was as happy and normal as possible despite her (our) grief. She accepted assistance and promised to pay it forward which she has done in spades! She has baked and donated thousands sf cookies to support church events. Everyone at church knows her as Cookie Grandma. After her retirement (she went from a stay at home Mom to a full time secretary), she helps set up homes for displaced Moms and kids buy shopping local thrift stores with a list of needed items. She has become a “giver” in every sense of the word. That’s how you pay it back, OP.

Oh, and the kid my brother went to California with? My Mom reminded me that when my oldest brother had a heart attack in March, that “kid” was the first one at the hospital outside of family. They have remained lifelong friends.

OP, I ask you to stop making this about you and what you can’t do for your kids. Instead focus on what you CAN do to give them a happy childhood. Trust me, they find camping trips boring because you find them boring. Your attitude and how you are handling things are going to have a lifetime impact on your kids. Please seek help. Is your need to be tough and strong worth it?

 

[Kellykins1218]

My nephew was invited to Disney with his best friend's family. Their son is an only child and they wanted him to have a buddy. They even told my brother and his wife that they were planning on providing spending money for both boys. Seriously, I want to travel with these people!

 

[Kogo Shuko]

I am uncertain why I just read a six page post.

It seems that you, OP, do not actually want us to give you advice or perspective on this situation. Every single response has been replied to with even more negativity.

If you are so set on not letting him go, then that's it. Clearly we, as Disney fans, or people from situations similar to your own, are not going to be able to sway your decision, because you don't want us to. There is clearly always going to be yet another anecdote or reason why you don't agree with us. I am wondering if you were hoping for us all to agree that he shouldn't go.

So I'm not going to give you my opinion on this situation. Because quite frankly, it doesn't feel like you really want it.

 

[mjkacmom]

They might have secretly felt bad and I don't like being beholden to other people. It's bad enough when I had to take help from assistant offices and my church when my wife was dying. I don't think you have ever been in the situation in which you have to take shamefully take help from other people.

Many people accept help without shame, you are the one feeling shame and resentment for something that would make others feel grateful happy. When our twins were born, we had a 1, 4, and 6 year olds. People brought us food, and set up a schedule to come help. We were given 2 cribs, dresser, and a used triple stroller.

We don’t vacation a lot, our family is so large. Ds15 and dd17 are on a family vacation in Cape Cod this weekend, dd15 spent a week with another family down the shore. Dd22 just had a beach vacation with her boyfriend and his mom.

Maybe get to know the parents. Personally, I’m not standing in the way for my children to have fun experiences (unless I feel it’s not safe) just because I can’t provide that experience, or be there for it. Dd17 went jet skiing, snow skiing, parasailing and horseback riding last year, all for the first time, without her parents.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

My Dad died when I was young. He was injured in a horrible truck accident which left him disabled for two years before he passed. My Mom was left to raise 4 of us. Money was always tight. Our church, family, and friends helped us out a lot. My younger brother was invited by a friend on a summer trip to California when he was 12. He went and it was fine. We always camped at state parks in a camper my Mom “borrowed” from a friend. I have nothing but good memories of those trips. As adults we are all still very close. We often take family trips together including my Mom.

If you don’t think you are hurting your kids with your beliefs, you are wrong. I was raised in an environment very similar to your kids’ situation, with one big difference. My Mom put us kids first, and her pride second. Excuse me....I feel the need to call her and thank her after reading this thread.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

My Dad died when I was young. He was injured in a horrible truck accident which left him disabled for two years before he passed. My Mom was left to raise 4 of us. Money was always tight. Our church, family, and friends helped us out a lot. My younger brother was invited by a friend on a summer trip to California when he was 12. He went and it was fine. We always camped at state parks in a camper my Mom “borrowed” from a friend. I have nothing but good memories of those trips. As adults we are all still very close. We often take family trips together including my Mom.

If you don’t think you are hurting your kids with your beliefs, you are wrong. I was raised in an environment very similar to your kids’ situation, with one big difference. My Mom put us kids first, and her pride second. Excuse me....I feel the need to call her and thank her after reading this thread.

I put my kids first all the time. But, there are some things where I have to decide on how much help or charity to take. I don't want to teach my kids that extreme gifts from others are ok all the time.

 

[mjkacmom]

Say no.

Never mind how YOU feel.

How are your other kids going to feel when your middle child gets to go and they don't?

If the other family can't take them all, then none can go. If they're aware of your situation, it's pretty crappy of them to only invite ONE child.

What?! It is a common occurrence, especially when the kids over, for them to invite a friend on vacation, not the whole dang family. Kids want to bring a friend on vacation. Life’s not fair or equal. Two of my kids went on a WDW choir trip, should they have stayed home? Dd17 and DH went to a Paul McCartney concert, it was her idea. DH, dd15, dd17 and ds20 went to Scotland for a dance competition, the rest of us stayed home.

 

[nkereina]

On the off-chance this is all real, has it been discussed whether OP has spoken to the friend's parents about this? Sorry if I missed it. Perhaps a conversation with them on his feelings of being uncomfortable with hand-outs would help appease his own mind and make him feel better about the situation. OP also mentioned having the 13 year old work to pay back - this is something he can also offer up to the parents' of the friend. Perhaps fall leaf clean-up or snow removal (if applicable) or something like that. Whatever it takes to make the OP satisfied and allow his son to go.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

First off... here's a hug.

Your a amazing Dad, wanting to give and teach your kids values, as well teaching them about money and hard work. As well you have been through a horrible ordeal losing your wife, and the kids their mom. Congratulations on the promotion and raise. You are moving in the right direction. Being a single mom for several years, I understand the amount of pressure that you are under, with kids to take care of, the house, and work... how to balance it all... is over whelming. Please don't take this the wrong way, I do not mean any disrespect. When I was a single parent I belonged to a group like parents without partners which was truly a blessing to have that outlet, having someone to listen and learn, get ideas, and talk about things. Perhaps have you thought about maybe talking to someone at church or a grief group to help with the adult emotions that you have been through. I say this as our good friend lost his wife and close to the same situation as yourself. He just focused on his kids and never gave himself a moment to grieve, he was at work and had chest pains, they thought it was a heart attack at first then they realized it was an anxiety attack. Once he started talking to other people it gave him other adults to talk to, along with support and outlet for his emotions, and sounding board.


Possibly the family offering is letting each child take a friend so that they have someone to hang out with and will not argue with each other. That's what my parents did when we were kids. It's probably as simple as that. Could you be making more out of the offer, than what it really is and offer to take your kid to Disney?

For me I would let him go... As long as you are okay with them, and know that they will not let him run wild. Look at from his point, this is a chance to hangout with my friends, and more than likely not understand why you won't let him go. If another child goes and they talk about in front of your child how will he feel, left out more than likely. Which might cause problems at home and school.

The shame of things is not asking or accepting help, when you need it. Because you let pride stand in the way. If you knew someone was having a hard time and needed help would you offer and give it? It's the same thing.

Offering prayers and pixie dust.

Thank you for this post. I'm at the point where I don't want to ask for help because it was so demoralizing when I had to ask for help when my wife had a stroke and later on when she had cancer. I don't think a lot of people understand where I'm coming from and it was sometimes shameful to ask for help. I want my kids to see that taking constant help isn't always right.

 

[cinnaminny]

When people offer things like that, they are doing it for themselves also. Taking your child is going to make it more fun and more memorable for THEIR child. We thought about bringing a friend with us for our son on our trip to WDW but decided against it because in my experience, other peoples kids can throw you for a loop. We took a kid to the fair with us one year, a 6th grader for our sons benefit, and he (the friend) would not go on ANY rides. lol Not a timid or shy kid either. He was excited to go and gleefully accepted. He was just was not interested in going on any rides. 50 bucks at the fair no big deal. Springing for Disney World and they wont go on any rides would be much more disappointing. lol

When my middle son was in middle and high school he went on family vacations all the time with a wealthy friend. He was their oldest son (my sons bf) and was at least 5 years older than all of their other children. I think they had him and had a hard time conceiving afterwards so they adopted many children afterwards. So this oldest child was at a different place in life than his much younger siblings, so they brought my son with for their sons benefit. Win win.

 

[NHdisneylover]

On the off-chance this is all real, has it been discussed whether OP has spoken to the friend's parents about this? Sorry if I missed it. Perhaps a conversation with them on his feelings of being uncomfortable with hand-outs would help appease his own mind and make him feel better about the situation. OP also mentioned having the 13 year old work to pay back - this is something he can also offer up to the parents' of the friend. Perhaps fall leaf clean-up or snow removal (if applicable) or something like that. Whatever it takes to make the OP satisfied and allow his son to go.

That's certainly a possibility that might work. Personally, had we invited along a friend of one of the kids and that kid's parent told us they could only join in if we pputhe kid to work before/after to earn their own way, I would have refused.
We enjoyed having friends all by on your some trips, made it more fun for our kids, and in turn for all. We did NOT want a 13 year old indentured servent.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

[QUOTE="Poohforyou, post: 59683727, member: 358034"]I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad as a child and have a special place in my heart for children who lose a parent.

I also understand your hesitation. We live in a very affluent area but are at the lower end of the spectrum. Here kids get invited on trips to Europe. We took one of our daughter's friends to the beach - that's our speed.

That being said, our daughter is an only child so bringing a friend along is a benefit to my husband and me as well. We can go do things on our own while our daughter has fun with her friend.

I know it's hard to let people help you. I'm a much better giver than receiver. However, perhaps if you look at how your accepting this gift will make the parents feel it'll be easier. When I'm able to do something for someone it makes me so happy. It isn't a "look at me I'm so great" feeling it's more a "I'm so blessed for all people have done for me in my life that I want to pay it forward".

You may never be able to financially repay this family and that's ok. There will be a point in the future where you can do something for someone and that's your opportunity.[/QUOTE]

Thank you for this. I try to help people in small ways. But I will never be able to do luxury things for others. I would probably always feel guilty about other people using their own money to pay for a trip for my son.

 

[ronandannette]

Thank you for this post. I'm at the point where I don't want to ask for help because it was so demoralizing when I had to ask for help when my wife had a stroke and later on when she had cancer. I don't think a lot of people understand where I'm coming from and it was sometimes shameful to ask for help. I want my kids to see that taking constant help isn't always right.

I thought I was out, but I just can’t resist...

@Dadof3inNH do you or have you ever helped anybody else? If so, did you do it with disdain hoping to add shame to their already heavy burden? Do you see friends and family struggling and withhold support you could easily give in hopes of them becoming “better people” for it?

 

[Happyinwonerland]

My nephew was invited to Disney with his best friend's family. Their son is an only child and they wanted him to have a buddy. They even told my brother and his wife that they were planning on providing spending money for both boys. Seriously, I want to travel with these people!

I took a close friend and her kids with us to Disney when DD was turning 3. Our situation was slightly different because DH couldn't go last minute and it was already paid for, but I was happy to give her DH's ticket and pay for the meals and hotel. The kids had a blast and we moms have memories that won't be forgotten.

 

[nkereina]

That's certainly a possibility that might work. Personally, had we invited along a friend of one of the kids and that kid's parent told us they could only join in if we pputhe kid to work before/after to earn their own way, I would have refused.
We enjoyed having friends all by on your some trips, made it more fun for our kids, and in turn for all. We did NOT want a 13 year old indentured servent.

I 100% agree with you. Just trying to think of some option to make the father feel better about this so his son doesn't miss out. I think a conversation with the parents about his honest feelings on it would be a good first step.

 

[Elleshoodat]

I don't have anything meaningful to add to this conversation but just want to say I am LOVING most of the compassionate, thoughtful responses. The DIS is really shining here, even if the OP isn't feeling it.

 

[mjkacmom]

No I haven't considered therapy. I do my best to power through my tragedies and hard times. I don't take help and I won't waste insurance or money on therapy. Trust me my oldest has had friends who made fun of her room that she shares with her youger sister and that's why I don't like having my kids' friends over.

That doesn’t sound like a good friend. All of my kids have small rooms, ds20 switched with ds15 when he went to college, the room fits a twin bed, that’s it, dd15 and dd17 shared with bunk beds until dd22 moved out for good. We have kids sleep over very often, sometimes 7 or 8. And they live coming here (and so far, I’m the only house where kids have camped in the backyard).

The first time my niece saw the girls’ room, she said “omg this is smaller than my closet” and she was right. But she loves coming here to stay, my kids would trade places with their cousins for anything, in spite of a huge house, lavish vacations, and having everything and everything.

 

[Julylady]

I put my kids first all the time. But, there are some things where I have to decide on how much help or charity to take. I don't want to teach my kids that extreme gifts from others are ok all th


Dad of 3, out of everything I said, this is is your response? WOW. Please go back and reread this entire thread and really listen To what people are telling you. One trip to Disney is not an extreme gift. It is one family trying to help another family out. And maybe helping themselves out as well. If you think you are teaching your kids something with your attitude, then it’s something I would not want my kids to learn. My families experience has taught us grace, compassion, and reaching out to people when they are in need. I can give countless examples of how the lessons we learned from my Mom after my Dads passing have played out in the lives of the four of us. And being too proud to accept help when it is offered is not one of them. And with that, I am out.