I have been having tough days lately really missing Chris and the life we had together. My life has changed so much and I am not the person I was before. I never could imagine such pain and hurting. I cannot do alot of things that Chris and I used to do or go places we used to go to. I wonder if I ever will be able to again. I also miss having someone to care for and to care for me. I miss our companionship and friendship. I am a nurturer and always tried to make sure he was taken care of. I just couldn't get him to call the doctor to get checked out to see if he had heart issues. I find that so sad. My job is getting to me and I am starting to think about the next step in life. Once I do get settled somewhere I have alot of thinking to do and decisions to make. I am not ready to stop working and retire as I need to stay busy.
Please know that, while each of us has our ups & downs of daily life - kids, work and whatnot, we all take a moment to think of you. It may be brief and fleeting, but we all hope our somewhat anonymous friendship brings you a small measure of peace if only for a few seconds as you read our words.
This is so true! Thanks for mentioning that
@easyas123! I’ve read and heard firsthand many stories about people dying and coming back to tell about it. Some have described seeing thousands of beams of light and they didn’t understand what they were, until it was explained to them that they were prayers. I even watched a good youtube recently about a near death experience where a woman had died on the operating table and was standing outside her body with angels watching the surgeons working on her. The angels said to her, sort of comically, “Watch this” - and then she watched them put light into the surgeon’s arms and hands that were working on her body! That makes me think a LOT about how important prayers are to people as well as how (I think) it’s not just hollow words when people say that spirits are there for us (as well as assist with the work we do in healthcare). You have a lot of people praying for you and thinking good, caring thoughts about you all the time, which I believe also help. I think it’s all just so new and excruciating for you, still, added to the ongoing stress you’re under. And, struggling with how to word this, but could it be that during the holidays it seemed like getting through them would help, but now the realization has hit that they’re over, but you’re still not feeling better? Could that be a possibility? It must be so hard to not be able to escape from that pain.
I agree that you are stronger than you know, but that it’s hard for you to see and feel that right now. Hopefully some day you’ll look back on these difficult days and realize it. I also think that there are things that you can do that will help you with that need to nurture and be nurtured. (Down the road, volunteerism, maybe nannying, or a pet, as some examples.) It’s just that you’re still in this awful phase now and may be for a while. I hope you know your feelings will soften as time goes on. A hard thought, I know. Keep talking to the people you know who have been in this position. There are some medication options you may be able to explore with your doctor, too, even for just a while. For some reason I am thinking just now of my elderly friend that I visit. Her husband committed suicide at home, and her son found him when he was just a boy. She often brings it up when we visit. I just can’t imagine how difficult that must’ve been for her and her son. If that’s not bad enough, her son died prematurely, as well, and he was her only child. So much of our time is spent just talking about her son, who was her life. I knew him. He passed around the same time as an also-young close family member of mine, so we shared those feelings at the time. But I guess my point is that, she lived alone and went to work and later moved from our neighborhood into elderly housing, and never got over her losses, but learned to live with them. I guess that’s probably the best we can hope for, right? I know my SIL has similar struggles right now, too.
When one of my closest friends lost her 23 yr old son, what got her through it was connecting with others who’d lost children, because she felt those were the people who understood best. She found new friends and that‘s where she spent most of her time. For a while I thought maybe she was mad at me, and/or our friend group, because she didn’t talk much to me, or come to events with our group, and she often sounded angry when I did talk to her. I tried not to take it personally because I knew she was in great pain, and I tried to do things that I thought would help and support her. I was afraid to even talk about my own son because I was worried it might be hard for her to hear, etc. So basically things were strained for a number of years, and I wasn’t sure it would ever be any different. But today, years later, things are back more to how they used to be. (I won’t say they can ever be the “same”.) We met for dinner not too long ago and it was more like old times. We didn’t specifically talk about how things were after her son passed, but in her own way, she alluded to how difficult things were for her, but that wasn’t really necessary because I already knew, and was glad I didn’t take it personally. I was glad to see she was in a better place, but clearly she had simply learned to live with her great loss, and that is always evident from her activities and thought processes today. For example I saw on her car that she has an organ donation license plate. Seeing it almost took my breath away because I recognize the pain (as well as the hope and love) that’s behind it even if not directly talked about today (we did talk about it as events were happening
).
Probably rambling right now but I just hope that connecting with others in your situation can help you, and those around you recognize your pain but don’t always know what to do to help, or can’t always help make things better if they try, etc. It‘s just one of those things that hopefully eases a little with the passage of time.
I do think having the new place is something you can look forward to, but is bittersweet at the same time. Mourning Chris involves not only him, but the life you had together, and so many other things, and this period is so hard. As others have said, we’re here for you.
Glad Mr L didn’t get hurt!
You are going through so very much and all at once. Breathe. One step at a time. Know all of us love and care and are cheering you on! You are absolutely not alone, my friend. God, forever is with you, too. And so is Chris in spirit and His truth! Do you get any light reading magazines? I wouldn't have lasted 5 seconds walking in that cold ☃ Walking indeed is peaceful solitude that I pray does bring you comfort! We're here. We care. PM me anytime, as well. 
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