Taking care of your spouse

[badblackpug]

I'm not married but I've been in plenty of relationships and if I have an issue with something my s/o is or isn't doing I speak with them about it. Communication problems is usually either first or second in the lists of reasons why relationships (including marriages) fail but it shouldn't be. It isn't that hard to have a conversation with someone you care about.

I can't believe how much stuff ends up here that really needs to be discussed with the person you are dating or married to.

Nobody said it wasn't discussed, but it is, sometimes, nice to get unbiased opinions or suggestions. Sometimes you "discuss" things over and over again and still wind up hitting the same brick wall (ask my ex LOL) and you just need to vent to someone who is, in no way, part of the situation.

What amazes me is the women on here who describe themselves in terms of servants. "Maid, butler, chauffeur, etc." I am a strong, educated, capable woman. I worked hard to get where I am and have what I have. The only man I "owe" is my father. I want to be in a relationship with a spouse/S.O. because they want me there, not because they need me. A child needs a mother, and adult wants a partner.

 

[Mama Who]

Its not just the coffee. I don't mind pouring him a cup of coffee if I'm pouring mine. I just don't like it when he is just sitting there doing nothing when I'm in another room doing something and he wants me to stop doing what 'm doing to fix him a cup or fix him something to drink, etc. Fixing something to drink is only part of it. He is a grown man, not a child. He can do things for himself. He knows how I feel about it and he continues ask me to do things. Maybe I wouldn't mind it if he would just let me do things for him sometimes without tellin or asking for it all the time. Maybe this sounds petty to you but it really gets to me for some reason.

No, that's reasonable on your end. If he's busy taking care of the baby or sick or something I will happily get up and fetch DH whatever he wants but if he's doing nothing he'll do it himself or I'll do it as a special "spoiling" thing, not an entitlement, KWIM? I like to do small services for him as an expression of affection but I'd have an issue with him assuming it was my job.

I do a lot of "taking care" because it's my share of the family load, but what you're talking about is beyond my job description.

 

[FireDancer]

Nobody said it wasn't discussed, but it is, sometimes, nice to get unbiased opinions or suggestions. Sometimes you "discuss" things over and over again and still wind up hitting the same brick wall (ask my ex LOL) and you just need to vent to someone who is, in no way, part of the situation.

What amazes me is the women on here who describe themselves in terms of servants. "Maid, butler, chauffeur, etc." I am a strong, educated, capable woman. I worked hard to get where I am and have what I have. The only man I "owe" is my father. I want to be in a relationship with a spouse/S.O. because they want me there, not because they need me. A child needs a mother, and adult wants a partner.

Maybe, I just don't put relationship issues on the Interwebs. In that situation I would speak with one of my friends who actually knows the dynamics of my relationship. Probably one of my female friends since getting their input is often extremely valuable. On a side note that is one of the many reasons why I roll my eyes when people mention not being able to be friends with anyone of the opposite sex. Having platonic friends of the opposite sex makes you a more rounded and informed person just like being friends with someone of different faiths or a different political ideology does.

As for the second paragraph, I never understood that either. I date women with college degrees (or earning them) and with careers. I don't want to be dominant in a relationship or to have them tie their value or worth to the relationship. I see every relationship I am in as an equal partnership.

I think the same thing when I see user names like MomOfxxxxxx or xxxxx'sMommy. I would never define myself through someone else. I would never define myself as xxx's husband or xxx's father. Those things would be part of me but wouldn't define me. I never understood people who tie their identity so much to another individual whether it is a spouse or a child. That is just my opinion though.

 

[rockawaybeachgirl]

Maybe, I just don't put relationship issues on the Interwebs. In that situation I would speak with one of my friends who actually knows the dynamics of my relationship. Probably one of my female friends since getting their input is often extremely valuable. On a side note that is one of the many reasons why I roll my eyes when people mention not being able to be friends with anyone of the opposite sex. Having platonic friends of the opposite sex makes you a more rounded and informed person just like being friends with someone of different faiths or a different political ideology does.

As for the second paragraph, I never understood that either. I date women with college degrees (or earning them) and with careers. I don't want to be dominant in a relationship or to have them tie their value or worth to the relationship. I see every relationship I am in as an equal partnership.

I think the same thing when I see user names like MomOfxxxxxx or xxxxx'sMommy. I would never define myself through someone else. I would never define myself as xxx's husband or xxx's father. Those things would be part of me but wouldn't define me. I never understood people who tie their identity so much to another individual whether it is a spouse or a child. That is just my opinion though.

Off topic, but just had to say I completely agree with your last paragraph - and I AM a mom. The people who are completely unable to create a Facebook status update that doesn't involve their children's soccer game or report card or ability to poop is another thing that I don't get.

Back on topic, my husband and I are pretty much like most of the traditional arrangements previously mentioned, except totally the opposite roles. I work full time, handle all the finances/money/retirement/college planning, and plan and book our vacations. DH does pretty much everything related to the household (he's a SAHD) and most of the childcare and spoils me rotten doing stuff for me - but that's in his nature. It's not a demand of mine.

I feel my biggest 'job' is to remind him everyday - which I do - how lucky I feel to have him, and how much I appreciate what he does.

Sounds like that's what you are missing from your boyfriend...

 

[Zippa D Doodah]

Just wondering to what extent do you "do" for your husband/wife. Me and my boyfriend have a son together and probably will eventually get married. I was just wondering how you take care of them. (not sexually). One thing that really gripes me is he always wants me to pour him a cup of coffee. I know this doesn't sound like much but it drives me crazy! I made the pot of coffee, can't you get up and make your own cup??!! I don't mind doing things for him but I don't want to be a maid either!!! I'm not lazy or spoiled, I just don't want to do these things that are easy for him to do. I come from a southern, old fashion upbringing and so does he, but I don't want to live that lifestyle. I don;t mind cooking and washing clothes...those kinds of things, its just basically "waiting" on him! Your opinion?

Seeing that you are not married, it is kind of an apples-and-oranges issue. I guess it would be good to have a conversation with the boyfriend and see how the two of you match up in your expectations, plans, and roles in the relationship.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Its not just the coffee. I don't mind pouring him a cup of coffee if I'm pouring mine. I just don't like it when he is just sitting there doing nothing when I'm in another room doing something and he wants me to stop doing what 'm doing to fix him a cup or fix him something to drink, etc. Fixing something to drink is only part of it. He is a grown man, not a child. He can do things for himself. He knows how I feel about it and he continues ask me to do things. Maybe I wouldn't mind it if he would just let me do things for him sometimes without tellin or asking for it all the time. Maybe this sounds petty to you but it really gets to me for some reason.

Then why do you do it?

If my dh asked me to pour his coffee when he was doing nothing, well, he would not because I would probably ask him something equally ridiculous, like....sure I will get your coffee as soon as you grab me a cup.

Of course there is give and take in my marriage and we help each other all the time but expected to be "waited on" like my father is not going to happen here.

 

[katie26]

I can relate to the OP. My boyfriend comes from a very old-school Italian family where his mom "waited on" the men in the house. Despite numerous discussions about sharing work equally, DBF still, deep inside his heart, believes that cooking and cleaning is more my job than his, and associates being waited on with being loved. In the beginning, it really drove me crazy. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong, feminist woman - and I happen to have a pretty successful career, to boot - and it really made me feel demeaned when he'd ask me to get up and refill his iced tea in the middle of a meal. And talking to him about it never really got us anywhere - he'd just get his little boy face on and say things like "it just tastes better when you do it!"

I eventually realized what another poster pointed out - doing things for me is how DBF expresses his love, and when he's asking me to do something as ridiculous as refilling his drink, he's sort of looking for me to make him feel loved and taken care of. I can't tell you how many times I've woken up to a pot of coffee and bagels he ran out to get at the crack of dawn, or come home to a freshly scrubbed kitchen floor. And I know he does that sort of stuff for me because he loves me and wants to show me how well he can take care of me. So... I don't love getting up to get him iced tea, but I do it because I know it means more to him than any mushy words I can write in a card or extravagant gifts I can buy him. Thinking of it that way - that I'm being generous and giving him something that makes him happy, rather than just doing my duty as a woman - makes me a lot less grumpy about the situation. And ultimately, this is something I can live with.

As for complaining on the internet - honestly, what's a better place to vent? I try to avoid discussing my relationship problems with my friends - I think it's disrespectful to my boyfriend. He's friends with my friends, too, and I don't think it's a good idea for me to be complaining about him to people who he socializes with. I certainly wouldn't want him complaining about my nasty habits or weaker moments to people I have to have Sunday brunch with. That's why the internet is a good place to go - none of y'all know who I really am (I hope) and therefore, no one is placed in an awkward situation just by listening to my gripes. It can also be really helpful to hear from other folks who have been in similar situations.

 

[2binak]

My husband & I both work and we both split the work that needs to be done around the house. We do little things for each other like fix a snack or a drink, but we do it because we want to, not because it's expected of us, not everyday and certainly not while the other person is in the middle of something else.

The most important thing Dh and I ever did was to agree to be immediately honest about everything.

If we cook something & the other person doesn't like it, we say so. Afterall, it's better to say so than to eat something we don't like for the rest of our lives If something the other person does bugs us, we tell them and we talk about it so that we can reach a compromise that makes both of us happy. Without honestly, we'd be miserable because we'd be doing things & putting up with things that we don't like.

OP - you need to have a good talk with your DBF and start being honest about things. If he isn't willing to compromise, then you need to re-evaluate the way you want to live the rest of your life.

 

[bumbershoot]

OP, if you don't like the situation, be sure he knows about it. What does he SAY to you, when you bring it up? Is his response OK with you? Does he truly understand how it makes you feel? Is he entirely unwilling to bend on this? What happens when you say "no" to his demands?


Google "Put Another Log on the Fire" and listen to the song. Is that what your relationship is like? (hopefully without the affair with the sister in the song) If it's what your relationship is like, and you don't like it (not saying you should, but I suppose that there are some who are comfy in a relationship like that), and he won't change, then you have to make some decisions.

But if he's just being cute and goofy and asking you for coffee and it's not abusive or mean, and if you're "allowed" to say "heck no!", or if you have the ability to ask HIM to do things for you when it's not convenient for him, then it might be something you consider changing your mindset about.

Maybe, I just don't put relationship issues on the Interwebs. In that situation I would speak with one of my friends who actually knows the dynamics of my relationship. Probably one of my female friends since getting their input is often extremely valuable. On a side note that is one of the many reasons why I roll my eyes when people mention not being able to be friends with anyone of the opposite sex. Having platonic friends of the opposite sex makes you a more rounded and informed person just like being friends with someone of different faiths or a different political ideology does......

I think the same thing when I see user names like MomOfxxxxxx or xxxxx'sMommy. I would never define myself through someone else. I would never define myself as xxx's husband or xxx's father. Those things would be part of me but wouldn't define me. I never understood people who tie their identity so much to another individual whether it is a spouse or a child. That is just my opinion though.

I used to think I could be friends with guys too. Until I found a real relationship, and found out that those "friends" were just keeping me on the back burner, hoping that someday I'd notice them. Then they all faded away. I used to be really philosophical about it, just like you're being.

Don't marry a Korean woman who is traditional...once you have your first baby, you are often referred to as "first kid's parent". DH is Korean, and I'm Eamon-umma now, in that culture. My MIL's friends don't call her Kyung, they call her Paul-umma (Paul's mom)....

That said, I don't think of myself in that way. I'd rather be called an umbrella, or the name of a Seattle festival, online!

As for complaining on the internet - honestly, what's a better place to vent? I try to avoid discussing my relationship problems with my friends - I think it's disrespectful to my boyfriend. He's friends with my friends, too, and I don't think it's a good idea for me to be complaining about him to people who he socializes with. I certainly wouldn't want him complaining about my nasty habits or weaker moments to people I have to have Sunday brunch with.

Yep.

I used to complain to "real life" friends about my boyfriends, and all it got was friends who were angry at the boyfriends. When I met DH, I didn't *want* to talk about him to them. Not the cute stuff, not the great stuff, definitely not the negative stuff.

And DH, as we were going into what we call "the troubles", vented about me to his friends and family, and when we worked it all out and he realized how hard it was to get his friends and family happy with me again, he saw what a mistake it had been to talk to them.

What amazes me is the women on here who describe themselves in terms of servants. "Maid, butler, chauffeur, etc." I am a strong, educated, capable woman. I worked hard to get where I am and have what I have. The only man I "owe" is my father. I want to be in a relationship with a spouse/S.O. because they want me there, not because they need me. A child needs a mother, and adult wants a partner.

I think, no, I know, you're misunderstanding things.

There are jobs in life that we all encounter. We either do those jobs, or we hire out. If we hired someone to clean up, that person would be called a maid. If we hired someone to drive people around, that person would be called a chauffeur. If we hired someone to cook most meals, that person would be called a chef or cook.

In many places, at home spouses/parents aren't respected by others, because they don't "work". But if a person had to hire people to do ALL those things that many at home spouses/parents do, it would cost a LOT of money. This is a way to remember that an at home spouse/parent is WORTH SOMETHING. I know that I wouldn't even be able to make enough for proper/good daycare, let alone all the other things. And while I do less than many at home parents (I'm a little bit lazy, ALWAYS have been, heck, once a friend who came for the weekend ended up in my kitchen doing my dishes, because it was grossing her out so much! and along with the laziness, I also homeschool DS), if we did both work outside the home, it would be a madhouse doing the stuff I don't tend to do AND the stuff I do do. Not to mention then doing the learning-work with DS in the evenings!

Describing one's at-home jobs in those terms doesn't diminish the at-home person. It reminds them that they do many jobs that are infinitely valuable, and would cost a LOT of money to replace in their entirety.

I hope that helps you see that no one is demeaning themselves by listing those things out about themselves.

 

[badblackpug]

I can relate to the OP. My boyfriend comes from a very old-school Italian family where his mom "waited on" the men in the house. Despite numerous discussions about sharing work equally, DBF still, deep inside his heart, believes that cooking and cleaning is more my job than his, and associates being waited on with being loved. In the beginning, it really drove me crazy. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong, feminist woman - and I happen to have a pretty successful career, to boot - and it really made me feel demeaned when he'd ask me to get up and refill his iced tea in the middle of a meal. And talking to him about it never really got us anywhere - he'd just get his little boy face on and say things like "it just tastes better when you do it!"

I eventually realized what another poster pointed out - doing things for me is how DBF expresses his love, and when he's asking me to do something as ridiculous as refilling his drink, he's sort of looking for me to make him feel loved and taken care of. I can't tell you how many times I've woken up to a pot of coffee and bagels he ran out to get at the crack of dawn, or come home to a freshly scrubbed kitchen floor. And I know he does that sort of stuff for me because he loves me and wants to show me how well he can take care of me. So... I don't love getting up to get him iced tea, but I do it because I know it means more to him than any mushy words I can write in a card or extravagant gifts I can buy him. Thinking of it that way - that I'm being generous and giving him something that makes him happy, rather than just doing my duty as a woman - makes me a lot less grumpy about the situation. And ultimately, this is something I can live with.

As for complaining on the internet - honestly, what's a better place to vent? I try to avoid discussing my relationship problems with my friends - I think it's disrespectful to my boyfriend. He's friends with my friends, too, and I don't think it's a good idea for me to be complaining about him to people who he socializes with. I certainly wouldn't want him complaining about my nasty habits or weaker moments to people I have to have Sunday brunch with. That's why the internet is a good place to go - none of y'all know who I really am (I hope) and therefore, no one is placed in an awkward situation just by listening to my gripes. It can also be really helpful to hear from other folks who have been in similar situations.

Really? The highlighted just sounds totally childish and manipulative to me. That would be one thirsty man in my house. Really? A grown man that can't get up from the table and pour his own iced tea? "I want you to inconvenience yourself and wait on me, when I want you to." is not him trying to get you to show how much you love him. It is him trying to show how in control of you he is. *pout* "because it tastes better when you do it" *pout* OMG! my kids wouldn't even have the nerve to try that!

 

[FireDancer]

I used to think I could be friends with guys too. Until I found a real relationship, and found out that those "friends" were just keeping me on the back burner, hoping that someday I'd notice them. Then they all faded away. I used to be really philosophical about it, just like you're being.

Don't marry a Korean woman who is traditional...once you have your first baby, you are often referred to as "first kid's parent". DH is Korean, and I'm Eamon-umma now, in that culture. My MIL's friends don't call her Kyung, they call her Paul-umma (Paul's mom)....

That said, I don't think of myself in that way. I'd rather be called an umbrella, or the name of a Seattle festival, online!

First, you just had crappy friends. Many of my female friends are married. I hope that huge brush you used to paint every cross-gender friendship didn't dislocate your shoulder.

Second, since I don't have a uterus I probably will not have the child of a fundamentalist Korean ripped from it at 40-something weeks so I won't be Frank-umma in the foreseeable future.

 

[dngnb8]

I can relate to the OP. My boyfriend comes from a very old-school Italian family where his mom "waited on" the men in the house. Despite numerous discussions about sharing work equally, DBF still, deep inside his heart, believes that cooking and cleaning is more my job than his, and associates being waited on with being loved. In the beginning, it really drove me crazy. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong, feminist woman - and I happen to have a pretty successful career, to boot - and it really made me feel demeaned when he'd ask me to get up and refill his iced tea in the middle of a meal. And talking to him about it never really got us anywhere - he'd just get his little boy face on and say things like "it just tastes better when you do it!"

I eventually realized what another poster pointed out - doing things for me is how DBF expresses his love, and when he's asking me to do something as ridiculous as refilling his drink, he's sort of looking for me to make him feel loved and taken care of. I can't tell you how many times I've woken up to a pot of coffee and bagels he ran out to get at the crack of dawn, or come home to a freshly scrubbed kitchen floor. And I know he does that sort of stuff for me because he loves me and wants to show me how well he can take care of me. So... I don't love getting up to get him iced tea, but I do it because I know it means more to him than any mushy words I can write in a card or extravagant gifts I can buy him. Thinking of it that way - that I'm being generous and giving him something that makes him happy, rather than just doing my duty as a woman - makes me a lot less grumpy about the situation. And ultimately, this is something I can live with.

As for complaining on the internet - honestly, what's a better place to vent? I try to avoid discussing my relationship problems with my friends - I think it's disrespectful to my boyfriend. He's friends with my friends, too, and I don't think it's a good idea for me to be complaining about him to people who he socializes with. I certainly wouldn't want him complaining about my nasty habits or weaker moments to people I have to have Sunday brunch with. That's why the internet is a good place to go - none of y'all know who I really am (I hope) and therefore, no one is placed in an awkward situation just by listening to my gripes. It can also be really helpful to hear from other folks who have been in similar situations.

Have I said that I am Italian?

 

[badblackpug]

OP, if you don't like the situation, be sure he knows about it. What does he SAY to you, when you bring it up? Is his response OK with you? Does he truly understand how it makes you feel? Is he entirely unwilling to bend on this? What happens when you say "no" to his demands?


Google "Put Another Log on the Fire" and listen to the song. Is that what your relationship is like? (hopefully without the affair with the sister in the song) If it's what your relationship is like, and you don't like it (not saying you should, but I suppose that there are some who are comfy in a relationship like that), and he won't change, then you have to make some decisions.

But if he's just being cute and goofy and asking you for coffee and it's not abusive or mean, and if you're "allowed" to say "heck no!", or if you have the ability to ask HIM to do things for you when it's not convenient for him, then it might be something you consider changing your mindset about.






I used to think I could be friends with guys too. Until I found a real relationship, and found out that those "friends" were just keeping me on the back burner, hoping that someday I'd notice them. Then they all faded away. I used to be really philosophical about it, just like you're being.

Don't marry a Korean woman who is traditional...once you have your first baby, you are often referred to as "first kid's parent". DH is Korean, and I'm Eamon-umma now, in that culture. My MIL's friends don't call her Kyung, they call her Paul-umma (Paul's mom)....

That said, I don't think of myself in that way. I'd rather be called an umbrella, or the name of a Seattle festival, online!




Yep.

I used to complain to "real life" friends about my boyfriends, and all it got was friends who were angry at the boyfriends. When I met DH, I didn't *want* to talk about him to them. Not the cute stuff, not the great stuff, definitely not the negative stuff.

And DH, as we were going into what we call "the troubles", vented about me to his friends and family, and when we worked it all out and he realized how hard it was to get his friends and family happy with me again, he saw what a mistake it had been to talk to them.



I think, no, I know, you're misunderstanding things.

There are jobs in life that we all encounter. We either do those jobs, or we hire out. If we hired someone to clean up, that person would be called a maid. If we hired someone to drive people around, that person would be called a chauffeur. If we hired someone to cook most meals, that person would be called a chef or cook.

In many places, at home spouses/parents aren't respected by others, because they don't "work". But if a person had to hire people to do ALL those things that many at home spouses/parents do, it would cost a LOT of money. This is a way to remember that an at home spouse/parent is WORTH SOMETHING. I know that I wouldn't even be able to make enough for proper/good daycare, let alone all the other things. And while I do less than many at home parents (I'm a little bit lazy, ALWAYS have been, heck, once a friend who came for the weekend ended up in my kitchen doing my dishes, because it was grossing her out so much! and along with the laziness, I also homeschool DS), if we did both work outside the home, it would be a madhouse doing the stuff I don't tend to do AND the stuff I do do. Not to mention then doing the learning-work with DS in the evenings!

Describing one's at-home jobs in those terms doesn't diminish the at-home person. It reminds them that they do many jobs that are infinitely valuable, and would cost a LOT of money to replace in their entirety.

I hope that helps you see that no one is demeaning themselves by listing those things out about themselves.

Reminds me of "King of the Hill," where Hank's father, Cotton, had so little respect for Hank's wife, Peggy, he simply referred to her as "Hank's Wife." Believe me, if someone referred to me as "Suzie's mom," and it wasn't one of Suzie's 3 year old friends, but a grown family member, that full well knew my name, they would hear about it, or I would complete ignore any verbal inquiry until they could refer to me by my given name.

...and I misunderstand nothing. I think it is degrading to refer to yourself, or your S.O. in any terms of servitude. I am no one's maid, butler, or chauffeur. These are positions of servitude and I am servile to no one. If I do something nice for someone I do it because I want to, not because I am obligated.

 

[katie26]

Really? The highlighted just sounds totally childish and manipulative to me. That would be one thirsty man in my house. Really? A grown man that can't get up from the table and pour his own iced tea? "I want you to inconvenience yourself and wait on me, when I want you to." is not him trying to get you to show how much you love him. It is him trying to show how in control of you he is. *pout* "because it tastes better when you do it" *pout* OMG! my kids wouldn't even have the nerve to try that!

Yes, really. I'm not saying this is the way everyone's relationship should be or that every woman should be willing to pour her significant other's iced tea on demand. I'm just saying that I've decided that I'm cool with doing these things for him, because there are other things he does for me that, in my opinion and experience, are equal or greater to the things I do for him.

I'm also not saying the OP doesn't have a right to complain about the dynamic in her relationship - quite the contrary, really. I'm just saying that, for me, when I realized that my boyfriend wasn't just going to magically stop asking me for iced tea refills, no matter how many serious talks we had or how many jokes I made (seriously, one time he cleared his plate from the table then acted like he wanted me to throw him a parade, so I did, marching around the apartment clanging pot lids together) I knew that I could either change the way I thought about it or I could end the relationship. TO ME, it was not worth ending the relationship over. Maybe to you it would be, and that's perfectly fine. Maybe to the OP it is, and that's perfectly fine, too. This is just my experience.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Maybe one of the many reasons we've enjoyed 36 wonderful years of marriage is because I'm happy to pour him a cup of coffee in the mornings.

Personally I can't even imagine something as simple as pouring a cup of coffee for him, when I'm pouring one for myself, would "drive me crazy."

I enjoy doing "little things" like that for him. We do "little things" for each other, and we don't keep score. If I think something would make him happy, I'll do it, and vice versa.

This is how I feel about it too...

I actually LOVE doing things for my husband. He works VERY hard for our children and for me as well...

At one point he was working two, pretty much full time jobs to support us.(twins were just born...daycare would have been more than I got paid...) I ABSOLUTLEY did anything he asked of me. Dinner was on the table...house was clean...and the kids were taken care of.

BUT...He "repaid" me by letting me sleep in on his occasional day off...Sending me off to happy hour or to get my nails done when money and time allowed it.

We STILL do things for EACHOTHER.

If I get up to get a drink, of course I ask if he wants a drink...If I'm going to eat out without him, I ask if he wants a to-go plate. HECK...when it is cold/rainy out and he rides his motorcyle to PT in the morning, I'll even start a hot shower for him.

He does these sames things for me...well...except the shower thing.

I will be having a pretty major surgery at the beginning of the year...He WANTS to be my caretaker(right down to washing my hair for me) and take care of the house and kids as well. I asked him if he would like my father to come or his mother, and he said no...that he wants to get "US" through this.

The point I'm trying to make is that you get what you give. If you are bothered by doing these things, then don't...but don't expect s lot in return.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Just wondering to what extent do you "do" for your husband/wife. Me and my boyfriend have a son together and probably will eventually get married. I was just wondering how you take care of them. (not sexually). One thing that really gripes me is he always wants me to pour him a cup of coffee. I know this doesn't sound like much but it drives me crazy! I made the pot of coffee, can't you get up and make your own cup??!! I don't mind doing things for him but I don't want to be a maid either!!! I'm not lazy or spoiled, I just don't want to do these things that are easy for him to do. I come from a southern, old fashion upbringing and so does he, but I don't want to live that lifestyle. I don;t mind cooking and washing clothes...those kinds of things, its just basically "waiting" on him! Your opinion?

I do things out of service and consideration (or were negotiated).

I won't do things that my husband demands of me.

So I am expected to do dishes and my husband is expected to do kitty litter--because that is our long standing agreement. I didn't bring kitties into the house and I didn't want to do litter. It was fair that I had some "permanent" duty in the home if he was to do that, and thus we negotiated.

He will step in and help on occasion, though.

And I was required to prepare coffee for my parental units at 5am every morning. I don't drink it--can't stand it. Totally not doing it just because I'm his wife. But if he needs a quick cup and asks nicely--I'll make it. But I am quite--unskilled in that arena. I was being nice once and brewed a pot and didn't realize that I didn't get something in right. Well--the thing over flowed, fried the electronics, and made a HUGE mess. Now we have a Keurig.

And I don't mind doing nice things. I don't like there to be an expectation that I do things (except dishes since I agreed to that).

Oh--and it is expected my husband mow the lawn even though he hardly does it except in the high growing months. I have a severe allergy. I didn't ask him, and early on I did try to pitch in--but it is understood that I really can't do it.

 

[John VN]

Dang, this is a tough crowd.

I don't serve DW her water when she asks for some because after 38 years of marriage I get DW her water before she even knows she wants it. That is what love and friendship is all about.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Dang, this is a tough crowd.

I don't serve DW her water when she asks for some because after 38 years of marriage I get DW her water before she even knows she wants it. That is what love and friendship is all about.

Oh snap.....

 

[Uncle Remus]

Dang, this is a tough crowd.

I don't serve DW her water when she asks for some because after 38 years of marriage I get DW her water before she even knows she wants it. That is what love and friendship is all about.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Well, I get up earlier than him to feed the cats, drive him to work most mornings while he sleeps in the car, generally work longer hours than he does (for more money), do all the weekly shopping, cook dinner (well, okay...maybe 50% of nights...but the other 50% is frozen or take-out), keep track of our finances, send out his family's cards (birthday, etc.), do the majority of chores (he does help sometimes), do all of his Christmas shopping and wrapping (he does get my present on his own), keep track of his social schedule....I could go on.

But I don't do those things for my DH. I do them because he's very likely to screw them up on his own and I'd rather not spend the extra time to clean up his messes. So I'm not honoring him by it or anything.

All that being said, he doesn't ask me for little things like getting him a glass of water. I'm much more likely to do that to him (because I'm usually the one sitting under 2 cats whenever I take a breather). If he were to ask me to wait on him I would immediately assume he was making a joke and laugh out loud.