Trying to be supportive of friend's career change...

[Hikergirl]

My friend is making a huge mistake. I think. Maybe I'm just not supportive. What do you thin&?

My friend left her job for a higher paying job about a year ago. This May, she was let go from
Her new job. She now doesn't think her career choice is right and wants to start a new career in marine biology.

The problem is: we're 25 and college graduates in something completely opposite of marine biology. So she wants to move to Florida and do her undergrad at a university with marine biology.

She has a restaurant job that doesn't pay well. I keep telling her to go back to her original job but she's refusing (her original job would take her back easily). She keeps saying she's having trouble saving money and that it's not fair that her friends are doing things and going places when she can't. Basically she keeps complaining about her decision.

In addition, she isn't taking anyone's advice. She's moving herself from PA to FL to go to college again and spending another $Xk a year for a degree she will hate. She could find a local college but she didn't take that advice.

I want to tell her that she's making a big mistake. About a month after college graduation I started a job, and a year later I hated it. I had the same idea to go to school for marine biology. I left my job, started school, and realized I made a huge mistake. I was luckily enough that I kept in touch with a few college professors and now work for one of them. I know what she's going through and it's awful when your career choice hurts you. But I'm sure she will find the right job in her degree field. If I tell her any of this she will take offense to it.

(The only positive thing I can see is that when she does move to FL, it's free room when I visit her and go to disney next October lol )

The rule

 

[Moana of Motunui]

25 is too young to give up on the idea of trying something different. Heck, I made a major career change, requiring grad school, in my mid/late 30s. Just because it didn't work out for you doesn't mean that it won't for her.

Have you thought about why you are having such a strong reaction to her plans? Do you regret what happened to you? Maybe there is something different that you would like to try, but your negative experience with marine biology has made you hesitant. Don't let that stop you! Now is a great time to explore your options.

I do not regret what happened to me. And I don't know why I'm so against this. I really don't. I think part of it is moving to another state to go to school for something she can get 20 min away (and get in state tuition for too). I think that is what's bothering me. The only thing we don't have in PA and what FL does have is an ocean surrounding is. But we have NJ ocean which is a 2 hr drive and she's not even looking at costal schools either. All of them are inland which are a distance from ocean anyway. Oh well. I guess we'll see what happens this time
Next year. If she's in FL or back here.

 

[HappyGrape]

I find more people regret not going after their dream, than regretting at least giving it a chance. It's her choice to make, if you are friend you will be supportive!

I never look back and think I wish I didn't do that or this! I more often wish I did. Do more of what makes you happy

 

[sonnyjane]

Edit to add: She could get her old job back for the time being until the move. Her dental, eye, and health insurance would be covered so she wouldn't have to pay OOP. I'm trying to help her get/save as much money as she can before she moves because once she moves, she's only living on savings for a few months until she gets a job. Going back to her old job isn't forever. It's would be for about 10 months.

10 months is an eternity when it means doing something you hate, ESPECIALLY when you've already felt the joy and relief of quitting that position. I get that you think you'd be speaking up in her best interest, but truth is you'd only be speaking up in her FINANCIAL best interest, not the best interest of her mental health or happiness! Oh man I'd much rather work a low stress part-time job than a high stress full-time job.

 

[melissapealo]

I do not regret what happened to me. And I don't know why I'm so against this. I really don't. I think part of it is moving to another state to go to school for something she can get 20 min away (and get in state tuition for too). I think that is what's bothering me. The only thing we don't have in PA and what FL does have is an ocean surrounding is. But we have NJ ocean which is a 2 hr drive and she's not even looking at costal schools either. All of them are inland which are a distance from ocean anyway. Oh well. I guess we'll see what happens this time
Next year. If she's in FL or back here.

Lots of people travel out of state for schooling. Maybe the school is better suited to her and her interests. Maybe she just wants to get away rather than stay where she is. It really is her decision to make even if you think it's a bad decision. I wouldn't go back to a job I wasn't happy with even if it's only for 10 months. That time would seem like an eternity if she's not happy there. It really is her choice to make. Just because it didn't work for you doesn't mean that it won't for her. She could be extremely happy with marine biology and while you feel it's a mistake it could be the best decision for her.

 

[Christine]

You sound like a very good and caring friend but it also sounds like you are mothering her (you're treating her like I'd probably treat my 26 y/o daughter). You probably need to back off and let it go.

As for the Marine Biology, yeah, it's *probably* not going to work out for her since she doesn't seem like (based on your words) that she's thinking clearly, but I think if you're going to do Marine Biology you should actually go to Florida or other schools that excel at it and have the better networks. I don't think PA is it. I know a few people who did do Marine Biology and they all went to Florida.

I also think that at age 25, this is the age to do what you need to do to find yourself. Much later than that, you really get locked into life and it become much harder. This could end up being a huge mistake for her, professionally and financially, but she has to find that out on her own and learn from that mistake. You've given her your advice but she seems to have her mind set.

 

[DisneyOma]

What's the job outlook for marine biology these days? What kind of marine biology is she thinking of studying? Does she know how to swim? Has she ever been out on a boat, does she get sea sick? Does she want to work in a lab or outside?

If she was 15, I'd see the romanticism behind the 'marine biology' career. But at 25, and taking on more college debt? And the 'my friends have money and I don't' part - well, she's not going to have money for a very long time if she gets more loans.

Sure, she's young, but she's also going to be in so much debt she won't be able to get out from for decades. Time to be a bit more responsible, IMO. If she can come up with a solid job-based reason to get another degree, sure. But otherwise? Pay off the first debt first.

 

[Marchand63]

No. I realized my mistake and fixed it. If she succeeds, great and good for her. But don't tell me I didn't "try hard enough".

Wow, a bit defensive.

You learn from your mistakes. Support her & let her live her life. If she succeeds, wonderful. If she fails just be there, that is what true friends do.

 

[momz]

No I'm suggesting go back to her old job for the time being until she moves to Florida. For a few months she will have a salary position in addition to the restaurant job. Her health, eye, and dental insurance will be paid for (since she's paying for that OOP right now). I'm not saying go back to your degree field but go back to her first job because they will take her back. It's not forever since she's moving down there July/Aug so it's almost a year of two incomes. If you were going to up and go to school in another state in another year or so, wouldn't you want to work and earn as much income as you could until you find a job in the new state?

I think I need to edit the original post to clarify some things..

My opinion, but I think you are way too involved, emotionally, in your friends decisions. She has insurance covered, she is supporting herself, she is making plans for her future. Where's the problem? She's not doing it the way YOU would. So what!

And to answer your question. I went to grad school when I was 28. I did not work two jobs before starting, in fact the year before I went back, my life was in complete chaos due to a divorce, a move and a job change. I earned the lowest amount of any other year in my entire life and I barely made it. By the time I was settled to start school, I had a well paying job working nights on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, while going to school during the week.

And guess what?! I thrived! And I paid for my schooling on my own, without loans. I supported myself while sharing rent with a roommate. It was a wonderful time in my life.

Perhaps my friends would have advised me against it, but I'm glad they kept their mouths shut. Advice like that can end a friendship.

Your friend will find her way.

 

[Shanti]

I think I need to edit the original post to clarify some things..

I think you need to listen to the advice you're getting on this thread. You asked for advice, but are very resistant to taking it.

 

[CarolAnn856]

What's the job outlook for marine biology these days? What kind of marine biology is she thinking of studying? Does she know how to swim? Has she ever been out on a boat, does she get sea sick? Does she want to work in a lab or outside?

If she was 15, I'd see the romanticism behind the 'marine biology' career. But at 25, and taking on more college debt? And the 'my friends have money and I don't' part - well, she's not going to have money for a very long time if she gets more loans.

Sure, she's young, but she's also going to be in so much debt she won't be able to get out from for decades. Time to be a bit more responsible, IMO. If she can come up with a solid job-based reason to get another degree, sure. But otherwise? Pay off the first debt first.

I agree that it is important to research the career prospects, level of education needed, and salary ranges. And perhaps the OP's friend has already done so. If not, that would be a helpful suggestiin for her to give her friend.

Did I miss where the OP said that her friend has current loans to pay off? I don't remember reading that, but I may have missed it.

 

[JaneBanks]

I really don't see why you are so concerned with what your friend is doing? Is she harming herself or others? No? Then be a friend and support her. I think it makes perfect sense to want to go to school for marine biology in Florida.

I agree with a PP, you are sounding like you are trying to mother her.

 

[ronandannette]

You sound like a very good and caring friend but it also sounds like you are mothering her (you're treating her like I'd probably treat my 26 y/o daughter). You probably need to back off and let it go.

As for the Marine Biology, yeah, it's *probably* not going to work out for her since she doesn't seem like (based on your words) that she's thinking clearly, but I think if you're going to do Marine Biology you should actually go to Florida or other schools that excel at it and have the better networks. I don't think PA is it. I know a few people who did do Marine Biology and they all went to Florida.

I also think that at age 25, this is the age to do what you need to do to find yourself. Much later than that, you really get locked into life and it become much harder. This could end up being a huge mistake for her, professionally and financially, but she has to find that out on her own and learn from that mistake. You've given her your advice but she seems to have her mind set.

LOVE this post.

What's the job outlook for marine biology these days? What kind of marine biology is she thinking of studying? Does she know how to swim? Has she ever been out on a boat, does she get sea sick? Does she want to work in a lab or outside?

If she was 15, I'd see the romanticism behind the 'marine biology' career. But at 25, and taking on more college debt? And the 'my friends have money and I don't' part - well, she's not going to have money for a very long time if she gets more loans.

Sure, she's young, but she's also going to be in so much debt she won't be able to get out from for decades. Time to be a bit more responsible, IMO. If she can come up with a solid job-based reason to get another degree, sure. But otherwise? Pay off the first debt first.

Your opinions are well though out and all good valid points IF it were the friend that was asking for advice. And I'm sure the OP in this thread agrees with you on all of it. But I'm with the majority of PP's who would urge the OP to back off. She hasn't said her friend was asking for help thinking the decision through, just that she wanted to find some way to stop her from making what the OP sees as a mistake.

No I'm suggesting go back to her old job for the time being until she moves to Florida. For a few months she will have a salary position in addition to the restaurant job. Her health, eye, and dental insurance will be paid for (since she's paying for that OOP right now). I'm not saying go back to your degree field but go back to her first job because they will take her back. It's not forever since she's moving down there July/Aug so it's almost a year of two incomes. If you were going to up and go to school in another state in another year or so, wouldn't you want to work and earn as much income as you could until you find a job in the new state?

I think I need to edit the original post to clarify some things..

You have certainly put a lot of energy into worrying about this, haven't you. Sorry to say that if your friend has already made the decision, you need to stop trying to dissuade her. Immediately. What you see as helpful input will quickly start to seem intrusive and especially if she fails, you don't want her to be waiting to hear you say "I told you so". Many people avoid that like the plague, which would effectively mean your relationship was over.

I'm no armchair shrink, but I'm going out on a limb here to suggest that you really love this friend and her moving out of the area feels like a loss to you. That's not uncommon, and if you have the kind of personality that's change-resistant and risk-adverse, this whole scenario feels very threatening to you. You need to deal with those feelings of yours. You simply can't control what other people do, no matter how good your intentions are.

 

[Hannahinwonderland]

You guys are only 25. I mean, I'm 23 and getting a doctorate in one field- doesn't mean that I'm married to the idea of staying in this field for my whole life!

I believe that sometimes you just have to chase what makes you happy and what you think you'll be passionate it. The best thing you can do is be a supportive friend while she tries to find herself. It's possible that her old job was making her miserable and that she needed the change to function as a happy person. That being said, I totally recognize how you feel- it can stink to feel helpless while you watch someone you care about do what you perceive as a huge mistake.

 

[marcyleecorgan]

You get a say in where she goes to school if you are paying her tuition bills.

If not, your cue is, "That sounds like a fantastic opportunity. Congratulations, I'm so happy for you!"

 

[stsomewhere]

My friend has a degree in marine biology. She has a job at a water plant, making sure that water we drink is safe.

 

[BadPinkTink]

Just because it was a mistake for you doesn't mean it will be for her. Maybe her first degree and career path were the mistake. It was for me. I went back to school at 35 and totally changed careers and have never been happier.

I find more people regret not going after their dream, than regretting at least giving it a chance. It's her choice to make, if you are friend you will be supportive!

I never look back and think I wish I didn't do that or this! I more often wish I did. Do more of what makes you happy

goodness, ok where to start

at 25 when my peers were settling into their careers and long term relationships I moved country. I went from Ireland to Germany, lived on a friends floor for 2 months while job hunting and flat hunting, and all without speaking the language. I lived on my savings and you know what it was the best decision I ever made. I stayed for about 2 years, then moved to Scotland and did the same thing, this time I knew no one and lived in a backpackers hostel while job and flat hunting.

Then at 35 I moved back to Ireland, changed careers and now I am about to start my final year of a 4 year degree course and have started my own business.

When I tell people of my career path and living in 3 countries etc etc, my peers in Ireland say oh your so brave, I wish I did that etc etc.

The point Im making and I think others are too, is that some people make choices that their peer group dont understand. Some people have a life plan which their peer group think is crazy. Some people just go and do what their peer group dont have the confidence or self esteem to do.

I know many people, including my parents could not understand my career choices. My dad said that I was making a big mistake leaving the security of my home country for the unknown in Germany. He said that I would regret it.

Now that Im back in Ireland, its like I never left. The same people are doing the same things, life is exactly the same as when I left. The only difference is that I have such a wealth of life experiences that alot of my peer group dont have.

Moving county in my case and moving state in your friends case is not just about being in a different location. Its about experiencing the unknown, a different way of doing things, meeting people of different backgrounds,who have different opinion and views, eating different foods and so much more.

And you know what, it maybe that this friendship is coming to the end. Its very natural for people to just drift apart when there is a life decision like this involved. These been alot of people who I was BFFs with when we were physically in the same location and then the friendship just faded when I moved. Some friendships are for the now, some friendships are forever.

 

[kmb584]

You're her friend, not her mother.

I understand that majoring in marine biology was not a good fit for you, but maybe it will be a good one for your friend. It's apples to oranges really as every person is an individual and there is no one size fits all rule. The best bit of advice that I can give you is to be supportive of her, regardless of her decision. She very well may excel with a career in marine bio. She very well may fall flat on her face, too. Only time will tell. She'll remember and be thankful for the support, not the criticism.

Telling her to just go back to a job that made her unhappy is not wise. I've been there. I walked into an office five days a week and hated every minute of being there. I was upset before I went in in the mornings, and couldn't shake off the unhappiness at the end of the day either. I found another position that pays a bit less, but I love the doctors that I work with. I love the nurses that I work with. The office environment is upbeat, happy, and welcoming; I've never thought, "If I had stayed at "X" I'd have a higher salary than I do now". My mental health and happiness are worth more than an extra $150/week.

 

[mjkacmom]

What's the job outlook for marine biology these days? What kind of marine biology is she thinking of studying? Does she know how to swim? Has she ever been out on a boat, does she get sea sick? Does she want to work in a lab or outside?

If she was 15, I'd see the romanticism behind the 'marine biology' career. But at 25, and taking on more college debt? And the 'my friends have money and I don't' part - well, she's not going to have money for a very long time if she gets more loans.

Sure, she's young, but she's also going to be in so much debt she won't be able to get out from for decades. Time to be a bit more responsible, IMO. If she can come up with a solid job-based reason to get another degree, sure. But otherwise? Pay off the first debt first.

I agree, and I strongly believe education is important, and the time to make life changes is when you are young. However, adding another $100,000 debt doesn't sound smart. My niece has a degree in marine biology from Georgetown, she's an events planner and teaches an exercise class. You have to be practical.

As for the health insurance, is she paying OOP for health insurance, or for medical care. Being without health insurance is a huge risk with life long financial problems.

 

[MIGrandma]

Not your life. Not your business. She's 25, old enough to make her own choices without your advice, unless of course she asks you for it.