Work or quit

[barkley]

have you considered running the numbers on how you would financialy fare without your income? i ask b/c at one point in time my former employer was offering voluntary time off and i was SHOCKED when we ran it past our cpa and realized how much just tax wise decreasing my earnings would save us-we ended up netting more than my pay decreased. adding in any costs to work-gas, tolls, the convenience foods/to go foods that we had gotten into the habit of defaulting into b/c we were both so exhausted (or we felt guilty cuz we felt like we wanted to do something special with our kiddos b/c of the limited time we were all together). you may find that you still have some 'fluff money' after all of that is taken into consideration.

i'm a worrier so i would be looking at the worst case scenario-could your household get by w/o your dh's work income (just his retirement and va $)? if not i would keep on with it until i could find something part time (or at least with easier on the family hours). if you can and it's just being thrown at vacations you have to decide if an easier pace of life with more family time 365 days a year outweighs a handful of days escaping from home.

 

[tzolkin]

I would not quit that job.

Really? Not sure if there's a commute involved, but there is absolutely no way I would want to be out of the house until 8-9pm every night while my spouse and kid were home unless it was financially necessary to survive. Based on the schedule she posted, they do not have even one day per week that they are all home or able to do activities together.

OP, quit. It's not worth missing the time with your family if you don't really need the money or personal fulfillment from the job. I have no regrets at all about the financial sacrifices we made for me to be a SAHM when our kids were young. If anything, I regret that I didn't have MORE time to really enjoy and be present.

If you're really torn, maybe find a part-time job that will provide you with enough money to fund one small vacation per year but does not have as big of an impact on your daily family life.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I haven’t seen this mentioned yet. But I look back at those years and I’m glad my DH had as equal time with my kids as I did. Today they have a great relationship.

From the beginning, I worked overnights and DH went in super early in the morning. I had to sleep before work, so DH took over when he came home from work in the afternoon. He would often leave the house with them so that I would have quiet (otherwise I couldn’t sleep). They had their weekly routine where they shopped, went to playgrounds and malls, grandma’s house, etc.

DH did a great job, and in retrospect, I’m glad he had that opportunity. He and the kids became very close. It gave me some needed down time and I enjoyed (even though it was hard at times), going to work myself. My DD used to sometimes hang on my leg, crying, as I was leaving, but she’s a nurse herself now, so my work became inspiring to her somewhere along the way.

When they got to be school age, what we cut back on was some activities. They were basically doing too many, and it got to be too much for us as a family trying to runaround and do homework and eat dinner late, etc. So they stuck with one or two activities that they really liked and that gave us the “downtime” we needed.

I have worked with many single moms who have to do this all by themselves - work all night and stay up all day with the kids, get an hour or two sleep and come back to work the next night. Night after night, and hard to watch, when someone’s so tired they can barely keep their eyes open. I almost felt guilty I had a partner to share this with watching how hard it was for them. So that helped give me perspective.

I think on a board like this we have people who can afford to stay home, and that‘s great. But it’s also ok if people want to work for either financial reasons, or their own fulfillment, as well. Women’s liberation, to me, always meant that women were free to make these choices, and no other women should put them down for their choices, either way.

Good luck @eksmama01. I think those who mentioned a compromise might be on the right track. Look for something that has better hours - 11am to 8pm is just horrible when you have a 12 yr old at home, you’re missing some of the best of their day, when they come home from school and are doing their homework, dinnertime, etc. As pp’s mentioned, try to find something else where you can be at work while your child is at school, but home when they’re home. You might enjoy it more, and it becomes a win-win. The job landscape is changing so much now, it seems like there are a lot of different things to do than there were even just a few years ago. What about starting something where you could make your own hours? A personal shopping business, or ride service, etc. Lots to think about, but does sound like maybe you need a change.

 

[nw6675]

I haven’t seen this mentioned yet. But I look back at those years and I’m glad my DH had as equal time with my kids as I did. Today they have a great relationship.

From the beginning, I worked overnights and DH went in super early in the morning. I had to sleep before work, so DH took over when he came home from work in the afternoon. He would often leave the house with them so that I would have quiet (otherwise I couldn’t sleep). They had their weekly routine where they shopped, went to playgrounds and malls, grandma’s house, etc.

DH did a great job, and in retrospect, I’m glad he had that opportunity. He and the kids became very close. It gave me some needed down time and I enjoyed (even though it was hard at times), going to work myself. My DD used to sometimes hang on my leg, crying, as I was leaving, but she’s a nurse herself now, so my work became inspiring to her somewhere along the way.

When they got to be school age, what we cut back on was some activities. They were basically doing too many, and it got to be too much for us as a family trying to runaround and do homework and eat dinner late, etc. So they stuck with one or two activities that they really liked and that gave us the “downtime” we needed.

I have worked with many single moms who have to do this all by themselves - work all night and stay up all day with the kids, get an hour or two sleep and come back to work the next night. Night after night, and hard to watch, when someone’s so tired they can barely keep their eyes open. I almost felt guilty I had a partner to share this with watching how hard it was for them. So that helped give me perspective.

I think on a board like this we have people who can afford to stay home, and that‘s great. But it’s also ok if people want to work for either financial reasons, or their own fulfillment, as well. Women’s liberation, to me, always meant that women were free to make these choices, and no other women should put them down for their choices, either way.

Good luck @eksmama01. I think those who mentioned a compromise might be on the right track. Look for something that has better hours - 11am to 8pm is just horrible when you have a 12 yr old at home, you’re missing some of the best of their day, when they come home from school and are doing their homework, dinnertime, etc. As pp’s mentioned, try to find something else where you can be at work while your child is at school, but home when they’re home. You might enjoy it more, and it becomes a win-win. The job landscape is changing so much now, it seems like there are a lot of different things to do than there were even just a few years ago. What about starting something where you could make your own hours? A personal shopping business, or ride service, etc. Lots to think about, but does sound like maybe you need a change.

Always kind and thoughtful

 

[barkley]

elksmama-curious, what hours is your dh's 12's? i ask b/c everyone i've ever known who did this had to keep on schedual on their days off in addition to either power sleeping the next couple of days off or doing 'prep sleep' a couple of days before. in reality-what hours of the day that your dd is not at school are either you or your dh at home and awake? (had a good friend whose dh worked these and it played havoc with family time so she opted not to work for many years to try to facilitate what she called 'coherant family interaction').

 

[nw6675]

5 am to 5 pm. Thanks God he's off the night shift. Now I just have to deal with his exhausted snoring. Lol

 

[Pea-n-Me]

have you considered running the numbers on how you would financialy fare without your income? i ask b/c at one point in time my former employer was offering voluntary time off and i was SHOCKED when we ran it past our cpa and realized how much just tax wise decreasing my earnings would save us-we ended up netting more than my pay decreased. adding in any costs to work-gas, tolls, the convenience foods/to go foods that we had gotten into the habit of defaulting into b/c we were both so exhausted (or we felt guilty cuz we felt like we wanted to do something special with our kiddos b/c of the limited time we were all together). you may find that you still have some 'fluff money' after all of that is taken into consideration.

i'm a worrier so i would be looking at the worst case scenario-could your household get by w/o your dh's work income (just his retirement and va $)? if not i would keep on with it until i could find something part time (or at least with easier on the family hours). if you can and it's just being thrown at vacations you have to decide if an easier pace of life with more family time 365 days a year outweighs a handful of days escaping from home.

I am a worrier, too. Always wanted to be sure we had enough insurance, disability, college savings, retirement savings, or money on hand when the water heater or car broke down, etc. It kept me awake a lot of the time worrying about it all. So in some ways it made it easier for me to keep working. (I also had a mother who implored of me to be able to support myself, something she wished she’d done herself.) But I totally agree that there can be times where it just doesn’t make financial sense, or family sense, if things are going on that one needs to be there for.

We were fortunate, my mother lived with us in an in-law apt, so even though she was older (72 when our kids were born), she was there, and enjoyed helping. We tried not to bother her too much, though, especially at night. A few times when we had to go to the ER in the middle of the night we had to wake her and ask her to watch the other child, but otherwise, no. (This worked out well for her later on, as we cared for her at home ourselves, through hospice.) As a nurse, I also had some flexibility in scheduling as well as the ability to work off-shifts and 12 hr shifts, so that worked better for us, as opposed to a traditional job of five eights (which DH did).

I always find it fascinating hearing what other people do. So thanks, all, for sharing. (I wrote shaving, lol. Time to go!)

 

[nw6675]

Well, as you prolly saw...grandkid two on the way. I will not be quitting.

 

[White Cat]

Well, as you prolly saw...grandkid two on the way. I will not be quitting.

Smart. Knew you wouldn’t.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Well, as you prolly saw...grandkid two on the way. I will not be quitting.

Will the new grandbaby be living near you or far away?

 

[nw6675]

Will the new grandbaby be living near you or far away?

Far I feel like we are bad grandparents. They can't stay with us because of my issues - I need space. But they can have a studio. Please no judgment. I can't do a 2 bedroom. Too much in my space.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Far I feel like we are bad grandparents. They can't stay with us because of my issues - I need space. But they can have a studio. Please no judgment. I can't do a 2 bedroom. Too much in my space.

Living far away does not make you bad grandparents!! - It just makes for different traditions (and lots of packages in the mail .)

Fun project - record yourself reading to them (video, audio, whatever format you're comfortable with) and send them a copy of the books. - The little one will get used to your voice, and the older one will feel special while Mom and Dad are tending to the little one.

 

[DCLMP]

This. The day we got back from Disney last week I was planning the next vacation. I told DH I HAD to have something to look forward to.

That's what I used to do, but not WDW. I'm a little more diverse. I get it. I'm pretty content now working from home and taking one big vacation a year and some weekend adventures. I don't dread working anymore.