Do housewives ever retire?

[nancipants]

Now my generation grew up and everyone worked as soon as they got out of high school or college if they didn't go to military. Some had kids and one parent stayed home but most were happy with their increased income and a daycare raising their children. Or they were fine with putting the burden on the grandparents. We also changed our eating habits to match no one home to cook by eating out a lot more, whether it is restaurant, fast food, or sandwich shops. That was unheard of when I was a kid, going out to eat was a treat.

Daycare doesn't "raise" my child.

 

[Darcy03231]

DH retired 8 years ago and I'm still working. When we were both working fulltime we shared the household chores. Now he does the bulk of them. Once I retire we'll go back to sharing them more evenly.

 

[mrodgers]

Daycare doesn't "raise" my child.

Happy to hear that. It was tough having a lousy paying job, but my wife stayed home to raise the kids too. It wouldn't have paid for her to work and pay daycare, that would have been a net negative for us.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Happy to hear that. It was tough having a lousy paying job, but my wife stayed home to raise the kids too. It wouldn't have paid for her to work and pay daycare, that would have been a net negative for us.

What you describe is totally fine, people make the decision all the time to go down to one income household due to cost of childcare. But that is not the same as saying you didn't want daycare to raise your kid. I really thought the stigma of daycare was ebbing but it seems in some it's alive and kickin'

 

[iivye]

My mom retired from being a house wife after my dad retired. At that point my dad took on the cooking and they hired a cleaning lady.

 

[kymom99]

Think of it this way. When your husband was working, you were sort of “equally busy” - him with his job, and you running the household, raising children, caring for grandchildren, etc.

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The scales have now tipped. He isn’t working, yet what you’ve been doing hasn’t changed.


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Time to even out the scales again.


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When DH and I first (borrowing a phrase from @barkley) began ‘cohabitating’, we were both fairly busy. He was rising in his career and I was still in school and getting started with my own. Crazy busy time. We just equally pitched in for whatever needed doing, and we’re still doing it pretty similarly 40 yrs later. There were times that one of us had a heavier load, but it was usually transient when something was happening, like an illness or transition. We call it a tag team. I mean, I still might not be 100% happy with the way he cleans out the fridge or misses some dog hair when vacuuming. And he might get irritated that I came home and forgot to bring the barrels in (and they were blowing in the roadway) or I didn’t refill the Keurig water when I drank the last cup (not true, really, lol, but he says it all the time) and that’s natural any time people live together, I think. But generally we both get the job done and then we can both sit and relax a bit. That was important to me in life because I watched my mother pretty much do it all and felt it was unfair.

You can take baby steps - it doesn’t all have to change tomorrow - but you should try to cut back a bit (since you’re retired now!) and let your husband pick up a bit at the same time. If he doesn’t want to do it, he doesn’t have to, but neither do you, either. Just let it go, then. But hopefully he can see something needs to give, and now that he’s not working, he can do more with you around the house. Good luck!

I remember when my parents were still living and they always wanted us to come for breakfast after church. Dad would wash the dishes (no dishwasher) and I would dry them. Mom would get irritated that he didn’t get them clean. But at least he tried.

 

[disykat]

Happy to hear that. It was tough having a lousy paying job, but my wife stayed home to raise the kids too. It wouldn't have paid for her to work and pay daycare, that would have been a net negative for us.

I think the point was that, regardless of whether the kids go to daycare or to school for part of the day, parents still raise their children.

I was home full time when mine were little, but I wasn't raising them any less when they started school and I went to work part time or full time, and I wouldn't have not been raising them had I worked outside the home and they went to daycare.

We chose to create the life we dreamed of by me staying home, but that was simply OUR choice. Our value as a parent isn't determined by whether you are with them every moment, it's determined by how you parent and the overall quality of the lives you create for your children. There are some great families with an at home parent. There are lots of kids with parents home full time that wish they had a better life for one reason or the other. There are also lots of people who are better parents because of the life they've created due to both parents maintaining a career. There are parents that do or don't parent well in every category.

 

[Cheburashka]

I see things a different way, but oh well.

 

[nancipants]

I think the point was that, regardless of whether the kids go to daycare or to school for part of the day, parents still raise their children.

I was home full time when mine were little, but I wasn't raising them any less when they started school and I went to work part time or full time, and I wouldn't have not been raising them had I worked outside the home and they went to daycare.

We chose to create the life we dreamed of by me staying home, but that was simply OUR choice. Our value as a parent isn't determined by whether you are with them every moment, it's determined by how you parent and the overall quality of the lives you create for your children. There are some great families with an at home parent. There are lots of kids with parents home full time that wish they had a better life for one reason or the other. There are also lots of people who are better parents because of the life they've created due to both parents maintaining a career. There are parents that do or don't parent well in every category.

This. I’m a much better parent when I work. I am not meant to be a SAHM. And my kid thrives at daycare. He has learned so much and needs structure and activities and group play that I can’t give him on my own. And thanks to Covid, I haven’t felt comfortably putting him in any activities besides daycare until he’s vaccinated.

 

[mom2rtk]

I remember when my parents were still living and they always wanted us to come for breakfast after church. Dad would wash the dishes (no dishwasher) and I would dry them. Mom would get irritated that he didn’t get them clean. But at least he tried.

Is it really that hard to get the dishes clean? I mean, it's great he at least tried. But at some point, someone has to rewash them if they weren't actually clean.

 

[cedricandsophie]

I retired when I was 55 because I had stock options that vested. So I’ve been home 17 years. It’s been a blessing, we have a disabled adult daughter so I can make sure she is involved and busy. And when our grandchildren were small I could help out but I never baby sat regularly unless an emergency . My husband is very unhandy so we have a handy man, we have a landscaping firm for the yard and a cleaning lady every other week. So while I cook most nights, or at least figure out what we are eating even if it’s takeout, I am hardly taxed. I do what I want when I want. But I also do the laundry, pay all the bills, grocery shop, transport our daughter to various activities, manage our money, help my husband with his work occasionally, run his errands to the library, the drug store, etc. He’s a lawyer and He is planning on retiring at the end of this year so I am a little concerned that he will expect me to ‘hang out’ with him more. I plan a lot of activities on my own, like Pilates, tennis, picklebsll, lunches with friends etc. I can only hope that he finds his own daily activities to keep him busy. All that said, we are both very independent so I don’t anticipate too much of a problem. I know I’m very lucky in that we can afford to have help but on the other hand I was working since I was 18 so when I retired at 55 it was a dream come true, I’ve loved every minute of it and don’t miss one minute of one day of working. As long as I have friends and lots to do I’m very happy, the older you get, the more you realize the time you have left is too short for constantly cleaning and cooking. It’s for reading a good book in front of the fire, going to a movie in the middle of the day, having lunch or dinner with friends and laughing until your stomach hurts, going for a walk, getting up early by yourself to enjoy a solitary cup of coffee, traveling to see new cultures and meet new people, etc etc etc. Try to enjoy life my friends While you can. It doesn’t necessarily take money but it does take commitment and planning And the willingness to just let stuff go.

 

[HeatherC]

And those of us who work full time and also do all of those tasks will also be doing those tasks whenever we finally get to retire from our day jobs. Oh, well. Imo you've led a pampered life, being provided for by your husband so you could stay home. Nothing wrong with that, but don't ask for pity.

A little judgemental there. Who are you to say she has led a “pampered” life being provided by her husband? Each person brings something to a marriage and only teamwork makes it work. Everyone’s circumstances are different and there are tons of reasons why a couple may decide to have one spouse stay at home. And those reasons are no one else’s business.

It sounds to me like you are resentful of that fact. Being a stay at home parent is hard work, as is working outside the home. That doesn’t give anyone the right to diminish others choices and say they are asking for pity.

 

[Princesca]

This. I’m a much better parent when I work. I am not meant to be a SAHM. And my kid thrives at daycare. He has learned so much and needs structure and activities and group play that I can’t give him on my own. And thanks to Covid, I haven’t felt comfortably putting him in any activities besides daycare until he’s vaccinated.

It really is a very personal choice, and I wish that people wouldn't be so judgmental about day care. In my experience, the same people who are judgmental about day care are the ones who tend to support policies that disadvantage working moms, then turn around and judge them for the decisions they have to make based on those circumstances. Day care is not a necessary evil, and women should not be expected to give up their careers to be a parent. (No one ever expects that of fathers, of course. Not once in my life have I heard a man be criticized for not putting his career on hold to stay home with the kids.)

So far, we have chosen to keep our son home the past two years. My wife was in an entry-level job, and close to half her take home pay would have gone to his care. We live in an area where people fought the governor's mandates about COVID, so cases were high and day cares were opening and closing like a revolving door. I had a high stress job when he was born, so we didn't see how we could possibly manage a situation where his day care could close at the drop of the hat and one of us would have to have cared for him for a week or more at a time. There are pros and cons to keeping him out of day care. There would be pros and cons to sending him to day care, and now that he's vaccinated, that's more of an option for us than it was. We're starting him in a one-day-a-week parent/child program at a local school next month and we're really excited about watching him grow from it, and learning from the teacher how we can better guide him at home.

To the OP - I highly recommend sitting down with your spouse and doing a new division of labor. Write down all the things you both do in a week and roughly how long they take, and have him commit to taking enough off your plate to balance the scales. If he's not willing to do that, then I'd pick some things to outsource and do that, whether it's outside laundry, a weekly housecleaner, or a meal prep service. I don't think that would be at all unreasonable.

 

[Cheburashka]

I see things differently, but to each his own.

 

[Princesca]

And those of us who work full time and also do all of those tasks will also be doing those tasks whenever we finally get to retire from our day jobs. Oh, well. Imo you've led a pampered life, being provided for by your husband so you could stay home. Nothing wrong with that, but don't ask for pity.

Yikes. I mean, that sounds like maybe something you should address in your marriage.

Every relationship I've been in where both of us worked, the division of labor has been equal. One person did laundry, the other did the dishwasher, we took turns cooking, etc. That's before kids. I do think an unfair burden tends to fall on women when there are kids in the picture, as kids often look to their moms as the 'default' parent. But it doesn't have to be that way.

The notion of saying any stay at home parent is pampered... that's laughable to me. I mean, maybe if you have a live-in nanny. But no parent is pampered, whether they work or not. Kids are brutal, man. And that's not even accounting for all the housework duties.

 

[Cheburashka]

There are definitely multiple perspectives one could have on this.

 

[Princesca]

Yeah, I know. I teach a classroom full of them all day, then come home to take care of my autistic child. THAT is hard work.

It is SUPER hard work. No doubt. Teachers are vastly underappreciated. And raising an autistic child is a whole other layer of parenting that I haven't experienced, and can only imagine.

But competing to see who has it worse doesn't really help anyone's situation. There are a lot of external pressures on women in our society, so it would be nice if we could lift each other up..

 

[Cheburashka]

To each his own, I suppose.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

And those of us who work full time and also do all of those tasks will also be doing those tasks whenever we finally get to retire from our day jobs. Oh, well. Imo you've led a pampered life, being provided for by your husband so you could stay home. Nothing wrong with that, but don't ask for pity.

First of all, I’m not asking for pity. I’ve had several jobs over the years and also did all the tasks and watched 3 grandchildren under the age of 4 years old 50 hours a week. Let me tell you, that is not easy when you’re in your 50’s. Also I have never led a pampered life, far from it. Thanks for your opinion though.

 

[DisneyHardin]

I remember when my parents were still living and they always wanted us to come for breakfast after church. Dad would wash the dishes (no dishwasher) and I would dry them. Mom would get irritated that he didn’t get them clean. But at least he tried.

This made me smile this morning. My Grandparents had the same arrangement - Grandma cooked and Papa washed the dishes. He was the worlds worst dish washer, but he tried and he took his job of getting them washed very seriously. I've always had a dishwasher, so when I do have to wash things in the sink, I'm not very good at it because I don't do it very often. I always just joke and say "Papa taught me how to wash dishes"