Don't want to hurt my parents' feeings

[pocomom]

I don't think giving old people drugs is the answer. . .

Giving old people drugs is almost ALWAYS the answer
Everyone gets angry when you give them to the kids

 

[King Schultz]

Giving old people drugs is almost ALWAYS the answer
Everyone gets angry when you give them to the kids

Touche'

 

[Christine]

OP, my family has similar vacations and I could *never* tell my parents not to go (even though they would comply without hesitation or hard feelings). Grandparents aren't going to be around forever and I treasure the wonderful relationship I had with mine. My own parents are very healthy and mobile but my cousin's parents are not, yet they still go. My aunt (who has horrible knee issues and my uncle with severe COPD) always went on the trips. However, the less active they became, the more time they spent at the resort, and they were okay with that. When they wanted to go to the parks, they rented an electric scooter from one of the local companies and that worked out really well. I'd say to just ask what they want to do, express your concerns, and see if they will still go. Let them decide if it's too much for them. It's their lives and health and if it makes them happy during this rough time for them, it might really help with their mental outlook on their health woes. I can only imagine what a blow it will be, emotionally, for them to have you tell them they can't go.

Having said that, you are absolutely right to be concerned.

 

[ronandannette]

I note with interest that almost everyone has interpreted the OP as wanting to take her parents but not being able to. That's NOT what she said. She was looking for input on how to tell them she and her family are going on vacation without them. I also suspect that's why she has not replied - everyone here might try to make it seem like she's obligated to never take a trip without her parents, no matter what the circumstances...

 

[sk!mom]

For the last 3 trips we have gone to Disney we have gone with my parents. One year they even paid for the trip! They love to go with their grandkids. However we are planing a new trip with just us, no grandma or grandpa. There are several reasons for this, mostly because my dad has COPD and can't hardly walk. He knows he can't walk without pain anymore, but he pushes it to hard. Mom was just diagnosed with breast cancer so she doesn't need to be around a crowd after chemo.
Anyway, I know they can't go, THEY would know they can't go, but it is going to break their hearts that they can't go. Anyone have any words to help me soften the blow when I tell them?

I note with interest that almost everyone has interpreted the OP as wanting to take her parents but not being able to. That's NOT what she said. She was looking for input on how to tell them she and her family are going on vacation without them. I also suspect that's why she has not replied - everyone here might try to make it seem like she's obligated to never take a trip without her parents, no matter what the circumstances...

I was thinking the same. The question was how to "soften the blow" that they aren't invited not how can I include them.

OP, you said that there are "several reasons" to not include them. If wanting a trip with just your family is up near the top reasons then I would simply say, "we've decided that we need some Disney time with the kids." I would not mention their health or excluding them at all. That may seem cowardly but to me explaining why they aren't included implies that there is something wrong with you taking a family trip- and there isn't.

I've taken vacations that included extended family and many that haven't. I don't explain or apologize for my solo family or couple plans and, to my knowledge, no one has been offended. One of my sisters, that I travel with some, is on a wonderful relaxing vacation now with just her DH. I helped her plan it and I certainly don't begrudge them the time. I am flattered though that my other sister and I who aren't with them have gotten a couple of- "You guys should be here!" texts. It's good to know that she realizes how our presence increases vacation enjoyment .

Op, if however, your concern mostly is just their health then I would have a frank, open conversation. "Mom and Dad, we are planning for Disney but I don't want you to feel that you need to come if you aren't up to it." Then see where that takes you. You've been given many suggestions upthread of how to have a trip with them that could work.

I would question what their role has been in prior trips. You mentioned that they paid for one of the three. If they also assisted you with young children, gave you and your DH kid free time, or contributed financially to trips- I would also feel guilty to cut them out if the implication could be that if they can't help they aren't valued. I realize that sounds harsh but I couldn't think of another way to say it and I suspect that is part of the guilt.

 

[robinb]

Hey Sonja! Long time no see! You changed your avatar and I didn't recognize you LOL. Of course, I've changed mine quite a number of times too.

I think there are two ways of looking at this.

One: You just want to have a vacation alone with your kids. That's perfectly OK and you are not obligated to vacation with anyone. In that case, I don't think you can avoid hurting their feelings or softening the blow if they want to join you.

Two: You don't mind them joining you but you think it's best for them to stay home. If that's the case, I would suggest that you sit down and have a loving heart to heart with them and discuss their physical limitations and how they relate to a WDW trip. THEN, I would also let them make their own decision to go or stay home.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Which scenario is it? I was wondering the same thing. I am guessing it's the first option--what you actually want is a vacation with just you and your kids. I've gone both ways (with extended family and with just my husband and kids) and except when the kids are babies and we really need the extra adults to help out, our smaller family trips are MUCH more relaxing and enjoyable.

One: You just want to have a vacation alone with your kids. That's perfectly OK and you are not obligated to vacation with anyone. In that case, I don't think you can avoid hurting their feelings or softening the blow if they want to join you.

Two: You don't mind them joining you but you think it's best for them to stay home. If that's the case, I would suggest that you sit down and have a loving heart to heart with them and discuss their physical limitations and how they relate to a WDW trip. THEN, I would also let them make their own decision to go or stay home.

 

[minniecarousel]

I can see the two-fold dilemma: you'd like to have a vacation with just your family & you worry that they just aren't up to the trip physically. We are the grandparents now & although we are very able-bodied (we even go to Disneyland on our own). I expect that our sons and their families will go without us at times. I'm OK with that. Just level with them if you want to go without them. But don't say it's because you don't think they're up for it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, your desire for a vacation for just your immediate family, and on-one-one with your own kids is perfectly reasonable and wonderful!!!
A desire to spend time at WDW without the worry and concern of elderly family members who have some serious health conditions and limitations (who have already vacationed there with you several times) is also perfectly reasonable and wonderful!!!!

You can not control other person's feelings.
If they are going to be upset because of this (which IMHO would be unfounded) then they will be upset.
Just for me, personally, I can not imagine being upset because somebody else has such a wonderful opportunity.

The old saying is very right... You can not be responsible for other's attitudes and actions.. but you should always be responsible for your own.

You seem to be pretty certain that they will be upset (heartbroken)...
Maybe they will...
Maybe they will surprise you and say, "How wonderful! Have a fun and safe trip! Bring us lots of pictures!"

I would, at the right time, simply let them know that you will be away on this vacation.. No specific explanations or justifications needed.
I am not sure that any 'softening of the blow' would change their feelings/reactions.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'm honestly confused about quite a bit of the situation at this point, but I will say that considering the probable compromised immune system issue it's not very likely that a half measure option of the parents coming and spending most of the time at the resort and simply joining in for the meals works in this situation.

If the issue is wanting to have a family trip while acknowledging the parents' inability to join and likely disappointment about it, be upfront and honest. Tell them you've decided to go, they will be missed, but you want them to work on recuperating and hope for a return to the extended family trips in the future.

 

[CF'er]

I am not getting an idea of whether you want them to go or not. If you really just want your family time I'm not sure what to tell them. If you want them to go but are aware of the toll it may take I share the idea of more resort time for your parents and meeting up for dinner etc.

 

[Milhouse_]

I would be upfront, but maybe soften the blow by offering to spend time with them at a later/different date in a more relaxed manner.

"Partner/kids and I are planning a solo trip to Disney. We didn't want to stress you guys out in light of your recent health problems so we thought we could do a separate family staycation when you feel up to it."

Have some ideas ready on what those days could be, but also get their opinions.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I think you should tell them the truth. I get the feeling that you want just a family vacation with your nuclear family. Just say that. "Hey Mom and Dad, we LOVE going to WDW with you guys but we have decided to do just a trip with our family unit. We think it's important to do something with just us as a unit. Hopefully next year we can return all together but I think for this year doing it this way is important to us."

 

[Pumbaa_]

Personally, I would have an honest conversation with them. With the conditions your parents have, they may have a limited shelf life.

Tell them you are thinking about planning a trip. Then be quiet. Let them talk. They may not be up to it. Or, they may see this as their last time to make Disney memories w the grandkids

An ecv for both of them, modified touring plans, split trip w them there part of the week, there are lots of options

What I wouldn't give for one more Disney trip w my dad, who I lost to copd. Think carefully

 

[Bren's Mom]

I think if the op wishes to vacation alone with her children, that's her right. And THAT is what she needs to tell her parents, not feed them some BS about their health.

If the op would love to have them there, and is concerned about their health, then she should have an honest discussion with them. Let them know if THEY don't feel they can go, that's ok. If they want to go in a limited capacity, that's ok. And they'll go from there.

But, if I were the op's IRL friend and she told me she just wished for a vacation alone with her kids I'd ask her this:

Imagine next year at this time. If either of your parents is no longer living. Would you regret going without them?

If the answer was a genuine yes, ok. If not, I'd seriously rethink my position. Take a different trip, not to Disney (if the Disney part is what's important). Or take two shorter trips, one with the grandparents and one without. Or take the grandparents on the trip.

Life's too short.

 

[Sonya]

Sorry it has taken me a few days to get back here. This trip we just to be the 5 of us. All our other trips have been with them and although we love them it would be nice to be a smaller group. Plus there is the matter of their health.

You all have given me a lot of good advice and a lot to think about. Now I just need to take that advice and roll with it . Thank you all!

 

[jerseygal]

I like the idea of telling them this time you just want your own family to go and hopefully in the future your parents can go another time with you. Your parents may be relieved that you are not expecting them to come because they are probably not up to it.

It is the best decision for their health at this time. Just wondering, don't you think that it is HEALTHY for you as your own small family unit to be entitled to go on a vacation without feeling a SENSE OF OBLIGATION to EVERY YEAR? It is a wonderful thing to vacation with grandparents, but imo, for the grandparents to expect it every year or be insulted or disappointed is too overbearing as parents, just my opinion. I LOOK FORWARD to the day when we bring our future grandchildren on our trips as well as our sons and their future wives, all of us together, but I don't want for our sons to feel that it HAS TO BE an annual obligation. I will respect and welcome our sons and their wives their own individual family time. Hope that your parents health improves and hope that they can understand and be happy for you!

 

[disykat]

It's hard when part of the family is unable to travel anymore! My siblings, parents, and I live within about 400 miles with me at one end, my parents at the other and my siblings in between. Although we try to meet at my parents house there are times we will be in between with kid's activities etc. and it just makes sense to get together. The first time we did this without inviting mom and dad to drive up was weird! However, the alternative is not getting together - which mom and dad would hate for us! Sometimes it just IS. Reality sucks. The first time was awkward for all of us. I think mom and dad were sad, but realized they couldn't come and for us not to see each other because of that would be even sadder. It would also be sad to hide the fact that we're getting together - when knowing that we are staying connected is so important to them. Now, they seem honestly pleased when they hear we are getting together.

To us, there was a point when it was clear they couldn't handle the drive, being away from home, etc. anymore. Everyone just knew - including them. (Well, my mom knew, my Dad knew but forgets and has to come to that realization over and over again - but that's another reality we're dealing with.)

If it truly is beyond the time that they can travel, I kind of disagree with inviting them. I'd go with simply acknowledging that you'll miss them. My guess is that your parents WANT you to have your Disney trip, even though there may be some disappointment that they aren't going.

"Mom and Dad, we sure had great Disney trips together. We're planning another trip with just me, spouse, and the kids this summer. The kids are so excited to be able to tell you about our trip when we get back." Then later you can let them know that you'll be thinking about them and missing them on the trip, but are so thankful for all the Disney memories you had together.

 

[Nancyg56]

Sorry it has taken me a few days to get back here. This trip we just to be the 5 of us. All our other trips have been with them and although we love them it would be nice to be a smaller group. Plus there is the matter of their health.

You all have given me a lot of good advice and a lot to think about. Now I just need to take that advice and roll with it . Thank you all!

I am a parent, and as I said upthread, I think that your vacation with just your own family is fine, I would just tell Mom and Dad that.

 

[bigbabyblues]

Our situation is different because we always vacation with just the four of us because that is the way we want it. We love the ILs, (my parents are gone but wouldn't have been able to travel with us anyway), but our vacation time is limited and we want to spend time as a family. It doesn't come up anymore, we have never been hurtful about it, but DH was always clear when they found out we were going somewhere.

I wouldn't bring up their health at all. I would just say you want to spend time with just the 5 of you.