Disneybuckeye
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
My condolences for your loss. Please be sure and take care of yourself and family during this difficult.
Funeral planning
- Thread starter Colleen27
- Start date
I am so sorry for your loss, Colleen. It really hurts to lose one's mom. I am sorry that she did not get the extra time you were hoping for.
My siblings and I went together to the funeral home and the director there was very helpful, kind, non-pushy. He did not rush us.
I went alone to meet with the priest because my mom and I were the two church members there. She died unexpectedly but she had always said that she loved the funeral Mass she planned for my dad (many years before that) and wanted it to be very much like that. So, it was easy to choose the readings and songs; we found that Mom had them all listed from when she was planning Dad's. I wanted a specific cantor and lector from our church, and the priest called them both and requested them. He told me it was customary to thank each of them with a $75 check. I also learned that it is customary to give a check to the parish for their contribution to both the wake and the Mass (I think it was $150). Special things that we wanted (that Mom did not do for Dad--24 years earlier--different state and church) the priest was fine with--such as all six of Mom's children doing the eulogy after Communion and my daughter playing a Debussy piano piece after that.
Turns out that there was no longer a bereavement committee to host a luncheon, so we used a beautiful space with many round tables and tablecloths offered by my employer for free. Our extended family all pitched in and ordered food for a buffet luncheon for family and friends (maybe 60-70 people)?
We hosted family (both my mom's and my dad's side) back at my mom's apartment after the 3 hour wake. My siblings and I provided the food and drink for that (we are Irish, so there were lots of drinks and toasts). That was probably for 25-30 people.
We made photo displays and memento displays for tables at the funeral home for the wake. We had some prayers led by the priest, and a rosary, we all sang some of the songs my mom had picked for dad, and we ended seeing/hearing a video of my mom singing at my brother's wedding 15 years earlier. I lost it at that.
So don't be afraid to ask for help! Your MIL sounds wonderful--so glad you have her with you and helping you. Ask your kids to help with errands or thank you notes, or returning cookware sent over with food that friends bring. People really want to be of help! No errand is too small to be of help to you.
It's very emotional and tiring, but I was thinking that every single thing we were running around doing was in praise and gratitude for all the things my mom did so willingly for her family. It really was a privilege.
I send you a warm hug!
My siblings and I went together to the funeral home and the director there was very helpful, kind, non-pushy. He did not rush us.
I went alone to meet with the priest because my mom and I were the two church members there. She died unexpectedly but she had always said that she loved the funeral Mass she planned for my dad (many years before that) and wanted it to be very much like that. So, it was easy to choose the readings and songs; we found that Mom had them all listed from when she was planning Dad's. I wanted a specific cantor and lector from our church, and the priest called them both and requested them. He told me it was customary to thank each of them with a $75 check. I also learned that it is customary to give a check to the parish for their contribution to both the wake and the Mass (I think it was $150). Special things that we wanted (that Mom did not do for Dad--24 years earlier--different state and church) the priest was fine with--such as all six of Mom's children doing the eulogy after Communion and my daughter playing a Debussy piano piece after that.
Turns out that there was no longer a bereavement committee to host a luncheon, so we used a beautiful space with many round tables and tablecloths offered by my employer for free. Our extended family all pitched in and ordered food for a buffet luncheon for family and friends (maybe 60-70 people)?
We hosted family (both my mom's and my dad's side) back at my mom's apartment after the 3 hour wake. My siblings and I provided the food and drink for that (we are Irish, so there were lots of drinks and toasts). That was probably for 25-30 people.
We made photo displays and memento displays for tables at the funeral home for the wake. We had some prayers led by the priest, and a rosary, we all sang some of the songs my mom had picked for dad, and we ended seeing/hearing a video of my mom singing at my brother's wedding 15 years earlier. I lost it at that.
So don't be afraid to ask for help! Your MIL sounds wonderful--so glad you have her with you and helping you. Ask your kids to help with errands or thank you notes, or returning cookware sent over with food that friends bring. People really want to be of help! No errand is too small to be of help to you.
It's very emotional and tiring, but I was thinking that every single thing we were running around doing was in praise and gratitude for all the things my mom did so willingly for her family. It really was a privilege.
I send you a warm hug!
I am so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say that I imagine I would feel just like you when faced with that. It seems like an overwhelming and impossible task when you are already emotionally raw. I hope there will be many to help guide and support you.
mamamelody2
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2016
I'm very sorry for your loss!
You will get through this even though I know it seems very overwhelming right now.
I lost my mom January 13, also from cancer. It really sucks, and it still doesn't actually feel real.
Anyway, I agree with the PPs who say the funeral director is the expert and can answer all your questions. Probably even questions you didn't even think to ask. Also your church. My mom's church had an actual "funeral committee" who hosted the luncheon in the church gym after the service. We had over 100 people come, which seemed like a lot to me. Luckily, we had said to plan for 125 after the funeral director said their "formula" indicated 60. We just doubled that and it was about right.
Once the service is over, you will have more time to process. I'm definitely still trying to process. Take the time you need and don't forget self-care. It's totally okay to just sit and do nothing, or watch Netflix, or read a book, etc, if that's what helps!
You will get through this even though I know it seems very overwhelming right now.
I lost my mom January 13, also from cancer. It really sucks, and it still doesn't actually feel real.
Anyway, I agree with the PPs who say the funeral director is the expert and can answer all your questions. Probably even questions you didn't even think to ask. Also your church. My mom's church had an actual "funeral committee" who hosted the luncheon in the church gym after the service. We had over 100 people come, which seemed like a lot to me. Luckily, we had said to plan for 125 after the funeral director said their "formula" indicated 60. We just doubled that and it was about right.
Once the service is over, you will have more time to process. I'm definitely still trying to process. Take the time you need and don't forget self-care. It's totally okay to just sit and do nothing, or watch Netflix, or read a book, etc, if that's what helps!
I'm sorry for your loss. I've lost both my parents and know it is difficult. I still often think "I need to tell dad/mom about.....oh..."
My dad died at 65 somewhat unexpectedly. I was 5 months pregnant and lived 800 miles away so didn't arrive until next day. My mother was a mess...mixup at cemetery...they couldn't find record of our plots even though my sister, who died as a baby, was buried there. I had to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Then went with mother to pick out casket, flowers, etc.
My brothers who lived there were clueless so I had to deal with everything. I let the funeral home and pastor handle too many details.....big mistake. I hated the service. Pastor was new and didn't know my parents and didn't bother to find out. Very stilted and impersonal. (This was not a Catholic service but even with Catholic, you have options.)
Fast forward 30 years, my mom died. Brothers still clueless. This time I took charge. Very personal service, my hubby was "director". I spoke and both brothers spoke. One neice sang mom's favorite hymn, my adult children sang another, a nephew played his portable piano and sang a rock song she often asked him to play/sing. We opened it up to anyone else who wanted to speak. Many did, my mom was a legend in our family and small town. Afterwards, we all went to a local restaurant with a large private room. They kept a tab and I paid. One of my cousins (on my dad's side) made a point of saying how much better mom's funeral was than dad's.
My point is make sure it's what you want and what fits your family. My husband is Catholic and there are lots of rules and traditions but you do have choices. We did similar at his parents' services.
My dad died at 65 somewhat unexpectedly. I was 5 months pregnant and lived 800 miles away so didn't arrive until next day. My mother was a mess...mixup at cemetery...they couldn't find record of our plots even though my sister, who died as a baby, was buried there. I had to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Then went with mother to pick out casket, flowers, etc.
My brothers who lived there were clueless so I had to deal with everything. I let the funeral home and pastor handle too many details.....big mistake. I hated the service. Pastor was new and didn't know my parents and didn't bother to find out. Very stilted and impersonal. (This was not a Catholic service but even with Catholic, you have options.)
Fast forward 30 years, my mom died. Brothers still clueless. This time I took charge. Very personal service, my hubby was "director". I spoke and both brothers spoke. One neice sang mom's favorite hymn, my adult children sang another, a nephew played his portable piano and sang a rock song she often asked him to play/sing. We opened it up to anyone else who wanted to speak. Many did, my mom was a legend in our family and small town. Afterwards, we all went to a local restaurant with a large private room. They kept a tab and I paid. One of my cousins (on my dad's side) made a point of saying how much better mom's funeral was than dad's.
My point is make sure it's what you want and what fits your family. My husband is Catholic and there are lots of rules and traditions but you do have choices. We did similar at his parents' services.
- Joined
- Dec 15, 1998
My deepest condolences.
I lost my father to pancreatic cancer. He was told on 8/28/2005 that he had three months, and he passed away on 11/28/2005. My thoughts are with you at this time.Silver saucer
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 21, 2020
Im so sorry for your loss.
- Joined
- May 27, 2011
So sorry for your loss. My FIL passed away very suddenly and I had to help with preparations, it can be very overwhelming. As other have said the church will have a booklet to pick out the readings and my church said to take home one of the song books and pick out which ones we wanted. Unfortunately there’s just so much work after a loved one dies and so many decisions to make in the midst of grief.
AppleDumpling
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Apr 8, 2015
OP, so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there with both my parents. The next few days may seem like a blur, but you will get through it. I hope you are surrounded by supportive family and friends, to help you deal with your grief, in your own way, over time.
One thing I’ll point out, and this may vary by parish, but eulogies are officially not allowed during a Catholic funeral mass, which for some people comes as a surprise and disappointment. If anyone wishes to speak (other than scripture readings), they might plan to do it instead at the wake or burial site.
One thing I’ll point out, and this may vary by parish, but eulogies are officially not allowed during a Catholic funeral mass, which for some people comes as a surprise and disappointment. If anyone wishes to speak (other than scripture readings), they might plan to do it instead at the wake or burial site.
allison443
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Mar 13, 2002
Colleen I am very sorry for the loss of your mom. I am sure that the folks at your parish will help you with a beautiful Mass that will honor your mom’s life and give comfort to your family.
lisaviolet
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2002
I am so very sorry Colleen.
I hesitate to say more, as you have wonderful advice. But just the other day I thought of a choice I made that still gives me comfort to this day, four years in.
I struggled in mourning and planning with the fear of not honouring her enough. It sat with me hour by hour - day by day. Sometimes left me in tears, the fear felt debilitating.
I took some time, closed my eyes and visualized what honouring would look like for her. My mother could grace a table like no other a la the dressing of it all, as well as the food. And documented every moment of our lives, and hers before us.
So I concentrated on those two things.
I went to Staples and blew up poster boards of my mother and her life and with us. Some fun ones like my parents in one of those old time carnival cut outs. And I went to a dollar store and bought about fifty frames, to house a myriad of copied pictures - some sized to 5x7 some 8x10. It was strangely comforting to do the tedious work of filling so many frames, while aching for her. And gracing the tables and ledges with memories of her life. It felt more *at home* and comforting to see.
And I told those there to take anything they wanted home. And they did. .A lot left with a picture/photo frame in hand. My uncle, before I even said it, walked around with a poster board in his arms the entire time. And explained the beach holiday from the 50s to his children and anyone else that he could get to listen. It gave him such comfort.
I sometimes see these pictures, gracing others' homes.
I did it to honour her but I could not have realized how much joy and comfort it would bring others to share memories from pictures. Tangible in their hands. And talk and smile together and sometimes shed a tear.
Although I would have been fine with any food, we spent the money on exquisite catering. Because she made us all - the extended family and friends as well - feel loved that exact
way with her own food. The displaying of food and desserts was just as important as the item in her life.
Rambling it all out, but my suggestion is simply take a quiet moment to think of what you truly want for your mother. Your wants and thoughts, not other voices.
These very simple things brought a lot of peace for me, then and now. And peace is so important.
Please look after yourself. I am so very sorry.
------
And Colleen, if you need or want time and the religion allows for it - take it. There is no rule book on timing.
I hesitate to say more, as you have wonderful advice. But just the other day I thought of a choice I made that still gives me comfort to this day, four years in.
I struggled in mourning and planning with the fear of not honouring her enough. It sat with me hour by hour - day by day. Sometimes left me in tears, the fear felt debilitating.
I took some time, closed my eyes and visualized what honouring would look like for her. My mother could grace a table like no other a la the dressing of it all, as well as the food. And documented every moment of our lives, and hers before us.
So I concentrated on those two things.
I went to Staples and blew up poster boards of my mother and her life and with us. Some fun ones like my parents in one of those old time carnival cut outs. And I went to a dollar store and bought about fifty frames, to house a myriad of copied pictures - some sized to 5x7 some 8x10. It was strangely comforting to do the tedious work of filling so many frames, while aching for her. And gracing the tables and ledges with memories of her life. It felt more *at home* and comforting to see.
And I told those there to take anything they wanted home. And they did. .A lot left with a picture/photo frame in hand. My uncle, before I even said it, walked around with a poster board in his arms the entire time. And explained the beach holiday from the 50s to his children and anyone else that he could get to listen. It gave him such comfort.
I sometimes see these pictures, gracing others' homes.
I did it to honour her but I could not have realized how much joy and comfort it would bring others to share memories from pictures. Tangible in their hands. And talk and smile together and sometimes shed a tear.
Although I would have been fine with any food, we spent the money on exquisite catering. Because she made us all - the extended family and friends as well - feel loved that exact
way with her own food. The displaying of food and desserts was just as important as the item in her life.
Rambling it all out, but my suggestion is simply take a quiet moment to think of what you truly want for your mother. Your wants and thoughts, not other voices.
These very simple things brought a lot of peace for me, then and now. And peace is so important.
Please look after yourself. I am so very sorry.
------
And Colleen, if you need or want time and the religion allows for it - take it. There is no rule book on timing.
Last edited:
AnnaS
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Jul 7, 2001
Pooh2
Dis Veteran
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2011
So sorry for your loss.
When father--in-law passed, we went to the funeral home and it took about 30 minutes to go through things.
The funeral home took care of arranging things with the church, priest, cemetery.
When my dad passed last year, my mother took more than 4 hours at the funeral home going over details, song selection, reading, etc then called to the priest and funeral director each a few more times.
So depends some on the family members involved in the planning process how complex it will be.
When father--in-law passed, we went to the funeral home and it took about 30 minutes to go through things.
The funeral home took care of arranging things with the church, priest, cemetery.
When my dad passed last year, my mother took more than 4 hours at the funeral home going over details, song selection, reading, etc then called to the priest and funeral director each a few more times.
So depends some on the family members involved in the planning process how complex it will be.
PollyannaMom
I was a click-clack champ!!
- Joined
- May 16, 2006
Nothing to add on the practical front, but just a hug
mrs. magoo
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Dec 10, 2003
I am so sorry for your loss. When my mother died in 1991 she has planned everything for her mass. She had picked out the outfit (which my 19 year old self did not like but it was her decision), songs and readings for her mass. My parish does not have any space or do anything for a meal afterward so we have always hosted gatherings at our house. My husbands family has a restaurant that they use for funerals and weddings so we used that when my husband's father passed away. When my great aunt passed away she prepaid for a gathering at a place that the funeral home uses so there are many options. The hardest thing for me was picking out flowers. I don't know why but it was such a personal thing. Hugs to you and your family.
May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face; the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.
May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face; the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.
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