Serious Dating question

[amberpi]

That's a sense of humor that some find funny and other's don't. I personally don't. I know/knew people like this, and I just cannot connect. To me, it's almost making fun of the person you're telling the story/lie to, like 'How stupid are you?' Not my style and even though it's a little thing, really it's a big thing. A person's sense of humor is a huge part of their personality.

Yes, it feels mean spirited to me, or like he has really low self confidence. I'm getting that from multiple directions. I'm done, just gotta figure how to respond.

 

[SharonZ]

I have to agree that I would not want to hear "ex" stories, to me that's a real turnoff early in the dating scene - JMO.

 

[quandrea]

Yes, it feels mean spirited to me, or like he has really low self confidence. I'm getting that from multiple directions. I'm done, just gotta figure how to respond.

My favourite out used to be, "it's just not jelling for me emotionally."

 

[anniemae]

Yes, it feels mean spirited to me, or like he has really low self confidence. I'm getting that from multiple directions. I'm done, just gotta figure how to respond.

Not sure I would like that either. I don't like making people look foolish for a laugh. It is a little mean spirited. I would not end the relationship though, I would just tell him that it makes you feel bad when he makes you the "butt of the joke" and see if he stops. He probably sees it as harmless flirting/teasing.

 

[princesspiglet]

After reading this thread and a few others about dating in this new world, I have made the decision that if my DH dies before me (divorce won't happen), I will live happily single for the rest of my life....even if its tomorrow!

 

[quandrea]

After reading this thread and a few others about dating in this new world, I have made the decision that if my DH dies before me (divorce won't happen), I will live happily single for the rest of my life....even if its tomorrow!

I heartily agree!

 

[phamton]

Like I should shut up and never mention an ex by name? That's what I'm going to try to do moving forward, just change my language. Even if this isn't my guy, it could be annoying in general and that's what I needed to know. Or that I'm even looking for advice? I'm pretty terrible at dating, I should probably have figured that out by now? #shrug

I would just use terms like my friend, my sister, my cousin, etc. and not use names. There used to be a girl that posted on the Disboard who would use a person's name in all her postings and it was annoying to me. She would say "Kathy and I rode the train in magic kingdom." Or "Kathy and I ate at Casey's Corner." Most of us didn't know WTH Kathy was. Most people post on the board and in conversations say my wife and I, or my son, or friend or fiancee without naming a name. The only time I use a person's name in a conversation is if the person I am talking to actually knows that person.

 

[princesspiglet]

I would just use terms like my friend, my sister, my cousin, etc. and not use names. There used to be a girl that posted on the Disboard who would use a person's name in all her postings and it was annoying to me. She would say "Kathy and I rode the train in magic kingdom." Or "Kathy and I ate at Casey's Corner." Most of us didn't know WTH Kathy was. Most people post on the board and in conversations say my wife and I, or my son, or friend or fiancee without naming a name. The only time I use a person's name in a conversation is if the person I am talking to actually knows that person.

OMG- I couldn't agree with you more!! That is one of my biggest pet peeves and my DH does it all the time! He will be telling a story to anyone he meets and will say, "Oh yea, me and Steve Jackson went to the ballgame.... blah, blah blah." I tell him all the time, nobody gives a crap about who the person is since they don't know him/her- just say friend!

 

[TheCakePopLady]

The red flag to me is that you are concerned about it enough to ask others if it's a red flag. Usually your gut is right.

 

[Snap Crackle Pop]

This one will probably have me roasted alive, but its something that really bothered me. A lot. I just got off the phone with a friend and he was like "you're done, he's disrespectful, goodbye" but I'll hear out the Disers on this too. So, this guy has done this several times before and it really annoyed me, well, at first, I was just kinda "that's weird" but the last time he did it, I said "that was kinda mean and a waste of 10 minutes" - just kept the conversation going and no big deal. He did it last night and I was like "seriously, why do you do that?" he told me that was something his family did and he thought it was funny and I said it absolutely wasn't funny, it was juvenile and please just...don't. Ok, we move on, about an hour later, we said he thought my friend I was telling him about would think its funny. I said, that would really embarrass me if you did that and he again said ok but suggested I didn't have a sense of humor. I kinda think I'm out, but I'm giving it some thought.

I guess I should add what he was doing that was making so annoyed - he would tell these long, nutty, but funny stories about things that aren't true, until I'd have to say "that's impossible" or something to prove his stupid lie. It wasn't funny. I don't want to have to fact check some dude I'm dating or figure out what is and isn't true and them for him to say "he had me." F! that. Not my kind of guy. Now ya'll can say how that sounds funny, for me, its just super uncomfortable.

I think you are overreacting about trying to figure out if something is real if it is so over the top. I think you are just trying to find a legitimate reason not to date him, and you don't need one. You just aren't interested, you need to be with someone where you can talk about your exes as much as you want.

 

[DaisyJ]

After reading this thread and a few others about dating in this new world, I have made the decision that if my DH dies before me (divorce won't happen), I will live happily single for the rest of my life....even if its tomorrow!

Yep. We have a single, divorced friend in his early 40's who is dating via online apps. Holy moly, some of the stories he tells us about the women he goes out with would make your hair curl.

 

[mjkacmom]

OMG- I couldn't agree with you more!! That is one of my biggest pet peeves and my DH does it all the time! He will be telling a story to anyone he meets and will say, "Oh yea, me and Steve Jackson went to the ballgame.... blah, blah blah." I tell him all the time, nobody gives a crap about who the person is since they don't know him/her- just say friend!

MIL does the same thing! People I've never met, and never will meet (sometimes they are dead), first and last names.

 

[Cloudy]

Like I should shut up and never mention an ex by name? That's what I'm going to try to do moving forward, just change my language. Even if this isn't my guy, it could be annoying in general and that's what I needed to know. Or that I'm even looking for advice? I'm pretty terrible at dating, I should probably have figured that out by now? #shrug

As PP have said, for me it's not if you are mentioning the ex by proper name, it's just mentioning him/them in a story. It is a little off putting to hear "My ex and I did this" My ex and I did that". You need to retrain your brain into telling the story without the ex being mentioned. For the jellyfish story:

One time I went to Clearwater Beach and I got stung by a jellyfish. I was in terrible pain. I thought SOMEONE was going to have to pee on my leg, but then the lifeguard came over and just rubbed some gel on it. LOL.

You still can tell the story but there is no need to include your ex in the story at all. Just replace ex with my friend, someone, etc.

 

[ronandannette]

MIL does the same thing! People I've never met, and never will meet (sometimes they are dead), first and last names.

My MIL did this all.the.time. It drove everybody in the family batty! DH does it now specifically to bug me and he'll go on and on about so-and-so, giving me the side-eye the entire time to see how exasperated I'm getting, and trying not to laugh. He thinks he's hilarious. We have extremely different senses of humor and his gets cornier by the day. I certainly wouldn't have found it too attractive when we were dating but I notice now that often I'm the only one in the room not laughing, so maybe the issue is on my end?

And OP, how about you become a little more circumspect in your early assessment of the men you meet? Instead of assuming they're wonderful because they've been on their best behaviour for a date or two, stay cool until you've seen some of their "warts". You started gushing about this particular guy pretty early, if I remember some of your other threads correctly.

 

[msjprincess]

I would just use terms like my friend, my sister, my cousin, etc. and not use names. There used to be a girl that posted on the Disboard who would use a person's name in all her postings and it was annoying to me. She would say "Kathy and I rode the train in magic kingdom." Or "Kathy and I ate at Casey's Corner." Most of us didn't know WTH Kathy was. Most people post on the board and in conversations say my wife and I, or my son, or friend or fiancee without naming a name. The only time I use a person's name in a conversation is if the person I am talking to actually knows that person.

ITA

That drives me crazy. I spend the whole time trying to figure out who they are talking about.



I've been married almost 20 years. Before I got married I had 2 long term relationships for a total of 17 years. I may have mentioned them a handful of times to my husband. He happens to work with the brother of one of my exes. Most of the time I brought them up because he asked a question. Like if I mentioned something about being in Hawaii and he asks who I went with. I guarantee he couldn't name either one of them if you offered him a million dollars. LOL.

 

[cabanafrau]

Amberpi. Don't take this the wrong way because I'm meaning it in the spirit of your thread which is to "get opinions".

But how good are you at listening? I mean, really listening?

It seems like there's a lot of chatter going on. When someone says to me, "Just let me finish", it usually means they sorta know they're "talking too much". That says to me that even though they know I'm not really interested in what they're saying, they're pushing through what they want to say anyway. That's not really a type of conversation I enjoy, tbh.

Sometimes it's good to just sit, relax, sip a drink and say, "So how was your day?"... and then put on your listening ears. (Lol) See where the conversation goes. You don't even always have to have "answers or advice". Just listening is enough. The person you are with then feels like they were heard and cared about. At some point in the conversation, they ask you the same question. Then it's your turn and you get the same courtesies, etc.

I think there's been a lot of good advice on this thread. Everyone here has experience and wisdom; has btdt. So more food for thought. 1) Maybe you're mentioning exes too much and 2) Are you a good listener?

Yes, so much this. OP, it is obvious from your postings here you chatter incessantly. Stop talking about your exes and yourself and listen to what the other person has to say. Really listen, not just framing in your head what you're going to say next.

In almost 22 years, I've mentioned an ex three or four times to DH and one was only because we were in a wedding together and I had to introduce them.

OP, simply for your own edification, can you consider honestly in your own mind and reach your own personal conclusion as to whether there is any possibility you are a name dropper or a story topper? It's not meant to be rude, a judgment or an accusation, simply something for your private consideration. Some people do those things, possibly as a means to boost their confidence or validate themselves or insure they get attention.

The fact someone shuts down your stories yet you insist you need to finish and the other person makes up admittedly increasingly preposterous stories makes it seem like something is definitely amiss. Do the preposterous stories come on the heels of a story your date tried to stop you telling? Maybe he's telling you he doubts the veracity of what you're telling him by mirroring back to you what he perceives you are doing?

 

[ronandannette]

Sorry - double posted when I meant to edit.

 

[justussix]

Usually your gut is right.

Tell that to George Costanza.

Some people, left to their own instincts, invariably make the wrong choice when given the opportunity.

 

[amberpi]

My gut sucks in personal relationships...

So, regarding the crazy stories - I just realized EVERY time this has happened, its been when we've been at a particular wine bar with a male bartender, who I know to smile at the coffee shop, and he seems to be trying to engage the bartender in the conversation too. I'm not sure how that figures in exactly, but, yeah, its interesting.

I do get excited when a great appearing candidate comes up. I do. Usually, its "ho hum, another date," but this guy met a lot of my check boxes. Oh well.

TBH, the whole bit about not wanting to share or hear any of the history - that's not MY style. I'd like to know why he divorced and especially WHEN. And, I have NO issue with saying I'm twice divorced, at all. I just told a guy on Bumble that before we even exchanged numbers and we may not...but he inquired in a totally normal fashion and I replied in kind. NBD.

Apparently, I'm even worse at this than I thought. I didn't even realize that was possible...lol? I mean, I'm strong, I have a really good heart, I'm educated, hard working, financially secure...and alone. It really sucks, like so, so much.

 

[amberpi]

And, honestly, dating is just...HARD. Or it is for me. Its like every date and every new person is taking a test and I don't have all the answers and it just sucks, but I want a partner and to really be committed again - so, you just gotta keep trying no matter what. Ugh, I'm just being an emotional stupidhead today because I'm disappointed again. I was just really hoping to get off this terrible merry-go-round soon, but I'm not going to continue to date someone who makes me fundamentally uncomfortable. Of course, I'm flawed, but as I've mentioned, I definitely appreciate that you guys have all listened when I'm really pretty down about this aspect of my life today. Getting all the thoughts out I guess helped. I will be amending my language in retelling stories though.