Severely need advice

[SharonZ]

Either he is drinking a lot more than you are even aware of, or there is possibly another substance involved.

Prayers to you.

 

[JustCallMeMommy]

When something funny was going on with my ex, my inclination was to fully understand the situation, so I'd start there. Start by getting rid of the rule that has him drinking in secret. You are adults - its OK (under normal circumstances) to have beer in the fridge and liquor in a cabinet. Even in the Southern Baptist church I grew up in, drunkenness was the sin, not drinking. However, my thinking is to get rid of the rule not because it is OK, but because you are no longer in agreement and because it allows you to better monitor the situation. How much alcohol is he going through? Is it every day? When is he drinking? Do you see evidence that he is still sneaking drinks?

Next, I'd follow the money. Alcohol isn't cheap, and neither are prescription drugs, illegal drugs, etc. If you share accounts, go through them and figure out how much money is unaccounted for. How much cash is he spending each month? These days, most people, especially young people like you guys, don't tend to use a lot of cash. Check your credit reports for unknown credit cards.

Finally, make him get a full examination. Talk with the doctor frankly about amounts of alcohol drunk vs. the body's reaction. It is rare, but his body could be metabolizing alcohol wrong, it could be interacting with another medication, or as other have said, he could be drinking way more than it looks like or mixing it with something illegally obtained. He also could have a mental issue that is coming up now, and this is a symptom of that. I had a person in my life who turned out to be bipolar, and while that does not excuse their bad behavior, it helps me understand that they were chasing new exciting things to artificially create a "manic" state during a "depressed" state. I might have approached things differently armed with that information up front.

These things at least give you the tools to understand what you are dealing with and make a good decision. We can all arm chair quarterback all day long, but you are the one who needs to turn this into a situation you can live with, either by getting to the root of the problem and fixing it or by getting rid of the problem (which can never really be done in a situation with a child).

 

[Eeyore daily]

What would you give up for a relationship? That’s the big underlying question here.

I gave up drinking for my recovering alcoholic of a boyfriend. He didn't ask me to but I decided it while he was in rehab.

 

[Mermaid02]

I haven't read all of the posts and it's probably already been suggested but have your tried going to an Al-Anon meeting?
If he is hiding his drinking there is a problem.

 

[disneychrista]

liquor in a cabinet.

no no no liquor goes in the freezer

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I disagree with this. When my DH and I were going though a rough patch I talked to my mom almost daily about how I was feeling and our issues. I needed someone to talk to and someone to just listen to me. DH and I did talk about everything but I did not talk to friends or other family members about it. DH hated it. He didn't want me to talk to anyone but I explained to him I need to talk to someone and my mom and I are very close. He understood to an extent. My mom never told me what to do. She just listened. DH and I worked though all of our issues and will be married for 15 years next month. Sometimes a parent is just the person you need to help you get through some of the roughest times. They are your supporter.

Talking to your parents or even your spouse/partner's parents can be tricky.

Do I talk to my mom about fluff stuff? Sure. Would I talk to my mom about critical, deep marital problems? No.

Parents have a habit of being biased but there can be a more long term effect. Once information is out there it can change how someone feels or interacts with you.

You absolutely have every right to find someone to talk to so in that respect I would totally agree with telling your husband "sorry but I need to" or something to that effect. However an impartial, non-biased, not connected person (like a counselor for instance) is probably more preferable. Talking to my mom after my husband expressed he hated that would be a no go for me. Obviously your marriage is still going so I'm talking in generalities and what I would personally not do.

 

[Hikergirl]

 

[fortwildernessishome]

When I said I found A LOT of cans and bottles that’s because he had stockpiled them over time. I’m talking like a year’s worth of time. That was at our old house before we moved.

I highly doubt that in a years time he wasn't able to find ANY time to get rid of some of the cans/bottles. More than likely, he would often grab his stash, toss them in his vehicle and then toss them in any one of the hundreds of trash cans that are at gas stations, fast food places, grocery stores in front of drug stores etc.

It doesn't make sense that if he didn't want you to find them, he would continuously add more to his hiding place with never getting rid of any.

Again, I doubt that what you found was a "year's worth" of trash and if it was "A LOT" then there is a serious problem.

Sorry you are going through this OP. Even if he has no problem with alcohol, I would hate to be married to someone who did things (drank and hid the bottles/cans) behind my back and lied to my face about it. As a grown woman, I don't have time to be around any people who lie (whatever the topic many be; drinking, not drinking, money issues, various interests, etc. etc. ) much less be married to one!

 

[tcufrog]

I will be blunt. You seem more concerned with your husband than you are with your pregnancy and keeping your baby healthy and safe. 7 weeks is not very long and the pregnancy may not stick. In case it does and you end up giving birth, you need to take measures to protect your baby. That means not allowing your husband to drive when you are in the car. If he gets into an accident because of drinking then you could lose your baby. You need to get advice from a psychologist who specializes in substance abuse/marital issues and you need to consult with a divorce attorney about what sort of documenting you need to do to show that he shouldn't have unsupervised custody if you have to divorce him. I would also give yourself much less time to decide whether or not you're going to leave because it's going to be much harder to get a job where your parents live if you're obviously pregnant.

Your baby didn't choose any of this. I'm not saying this will end in divorce but in your foremost mind should be how your actions will affect your baby, not whether or not you upset your husband. I love my husband and have been with him since '96. I'm hoping to stay married to him until one of us dies. I would divorce in a hot second though if I felt that staying married to him would cause our kids immediate harm that couldn't be mitigated or prevented. My husband feels the same way and I'm glad he does. Our kids come first.

 

[Chickinvic]

OP - slurred speech and acting obnoxious (annoying) is well beyond "tipsy". You are really fooling yourself. I have been pretty drunk in my life, and have NEVER slurred speech. The people I know that do get that way...alcoholics.

 

[Chickinvic]

Either he is drinking a lot more than you are even aware of, or there is possibly another substance involved.

Prayers to you.

A lot of her descriptions sound like cocaine usage to me. Also, potential pipolar.

 

[tcufrog]

I think we need to stop with being armchair psychologists. For example, there are many things that can cause excessive chattiness besides bipolar disorder. For example, my sister becomes excessively chatty in the evening when her ADHD medicine wears off in the evening.

 

[Chickinvic]

I think we need to stop with being armchair psychologists. For example, there are many things that can cause excessive chattiness besides bipolar disorder. For example, my sister becomes excessively chatty in the evening when her ADHD medicine wears off in the evening.

I think it is fair enough for us to offer our opinions based on our experiences since OP came looking for help. Nobody is saying definitively that he is bipolar, etc - but having a lot of experience with bipolar I can't help but see this as a distinct possibility here. I also see some of the same signs I saw with an ex who was using cocaine heavily (and trying to hide it from me). Does that prove OP's husband is using? Of course not. Am I going to mention it as a possibility based on what I went through? Absolutely.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

I’m really sorry you are going through this.
Based on what you described, I’m wondering if your husband is mixing drugs & alcohol.
I would seek some support/counseling for yourself ASAP. You won’t be able to change your husband’s substance abuse, he needs to identify it as a problem & make a plan to change his behavior.
By reaching out for some help for you, you will be able to better define boundaries to come to some decisions about what you want to do for you & your baby.

 

[DLgal]

OP - slurred speech and acting obnoxious (annoying) is well beyond "tipsy". You are really fooling yourself. I have been pretty drunk in my life, and have NEVER slurred speech. The people I know that do get that way...alcoholics.

This. I recently got completely wasted in Las Vegas, kind of by accident. We had ordered 2 pitchers of some fruity blended drinks to share among 4 people that we assumed would be super weak, after some drinking in the room befirehand. Joke was on us. There must have been half a bottle of vodka in each pitcher. We got absolutely hammered. Not one of us was slurring. Stumbling? A little. Being obnoxious? Not really. I had to concentrate really hard to get back to our room without walking into the walls. Friends of ours walked a MILE back to their hotel. We all met up 4 hours later for a show. That was the most drunk I've been in like 20 years. I was still able to keep it together.

If OPs husband is slurring, he's well beyond "tipsy." He's drunk.

 

[SRQ57]

AA. He's gotta go, or you gotta leave.

 

[luvsJack]

Good Lord there is a whole lot of leaping going on on in this thread and a whole bunch of armchair therapist. And if some of you are mental health professionals and giving diagnosis based on this post—shame on you! You should know better.

Op, you say that there were a lot of bottle and cans but you are talking about these being hidden over a period of time, correct? I think you said a year? Well, maybe he is an alcoholic or maybe he wanted a beer and didn’t want a confrontation with you about it. Don’t go leaping to the worst automatically. And how many drinks make him act any certain way doesn’t mean a thing. It depends on what he is drinking, if he is tired already, his mood and how alcohol effects him. No one here can make a determination based on just what you say here.

You mil is who she is. She may have caused issues with your dh but maybe she didn’t. Screaming when she drops something doesn’t make her a narcissistic shrew as some here seem to want to make it sound. You say the family is loud. That can be happy loud or it can be angry loud or it can be everyone trying to get attention loud. Dh’s family is loud but loving and having fun together. My ex-h’s family was loud. The loudest was his dad who I adored. The rest, not so much.

You talk to your Mom about what’s going on? Well that can be good or bad, depending on your mom. If she is the kind to get mad at him and hold a grudge, not so good. But if she is able to just give you advise from experience, that can be good. My mom was like that. She would just say what she did in a similar situation or just let me vent but she adored dh and would never have been mad at him about our issues. Dd talks to me about minor aggravations with sil, I try to think “what would mom say”. My usual go to is, well why do you think he did that?

So, only YOU can really know what is going on and what is good or bad in any of this.

I don’t think just giving a two week time period is a good idea. I think really getting to the bottom of what your dh wants and if he wants to change, what he needs to change and how is better. Counseling is the best idea here but from a real live person.



And just a note on alcoholism: My father was a alcoholic (recovering the last 14 years of his life), my exh is an alcoholic and my grandfather was an alcoholic. All three extremely different drinking habits. The only similarity between the three was that once they had that one drink, they couldn’t stop. My grandfather wouldn’t stop for three days straight. My dad, it would be a one night thing and only at a bar. My exh didn’t drink for 7-21 days when he was on the rig, he got off the rig and bought beer at the first store and didn’t stop until the day he went back to work 7-21 days later. There is no “same” for alcoholics.

 

[Hikergirl]

Good Lord there is a whole lot of leaping going on on in this thread and a whole bunch of armchair therapist. And if some of you are mental health professionals and giving diagnosis based on this post—shame on you! You should know better.

Are you forgetting the OP came here looking for advice, she needs its SEVERELY remember?
And of course we aren't professionals but I'm guessing the OP actually knows that, and wanted to hear from people who may have experience with what she is going through.
Either this isn't real and none of it matters, or it is and the OP needed to hear all of what was said because she needs to face reality to jump start her doing something about her problems.

 

[luvsJack]

Are you forgetting the OP came here looking for advice, she needs its SEVERELY remember?
And of course we aren't professionals but I'm guessing the OP actually knows that, and wanted to hear from people who may have experience with what she is going through.
Either this isn't real and none of it matters, or it is and the OP needed to hear all of what was said because she needs to face reality to jump start her doing something about her problems.

There is nothing wrong with advise from experience. (Just as I mentioned with the talking to Mom)

What I find wrong is deciding he is bi polar, an alcoholic and his mother is controlling and manipulative all off a few words. All of these are diagnoses that a licensed professional would take at least a few sessions to decide.

Advise is “see a marriage counselor”, “talk to your husband and see if he will tell you why he did this or what is going on with him”. Or letting up on the “no drinking” policy and see if it helps. Or “go to Al Anon and listen to other’s experiences”.

Assuming the worst isn’t a good jumping off point for the OP. None of us know the exact amount of cans and bottles. None of us know the exact amount of time these cans and bottles were consumed. No one knows how her husband feels and why he is or was drinking. All of that should be looked at realistically and no one should be jumping to conclusions.

I have a neighbor that at one look one would guess he is a horrible alcoholic. He has a couple of wire bins full of beer cans. He has three or four parties a year and those cans are what is consumed at those parties. But if you just look at the outside, the worst could easily be jumped to when it’s not reality at all.

 

[mousefan73]

OP - slurred speech and acting obnoxious (annoying) is well beyond "tipsy". You are really fooling yourself. I have been pretty drunk in my life, and have NEVER slurred speech. The people I know that do get that way...alcoholics.

Heck I slur my speech all the time. And I am not drinking. It’s called exhaustion and lack of sleep. Especially if I wake up in the middle of the night.