Pity Party for Single Parents....

[aprincessmom]

I don't know how single parents do it not only from a financial standpoint, but also from an emotional standpoint.

Actually, since DD's father was rarely involved in her life prior to the divorce it doesn't seem different to me. He spends more time with her now that he lives out of the house than he did when he was in the house.

And for the first time in seven years, I get two days a month where I don't have her for almost 24 hours and can do my own thing. At the risk of sounding like a bad mommy, I really look forward to those two days. I forgot how nice it was to just sit and read a book or hang out with friends without having to worry about how much time I was spending away from her.

 

[Mishetta]

My Dad died when I was 8 y/o. He left my Mom alone in a foreign country! My Dad had become an American Citizen & worked so we did get a (very small) SS check. I say "very small" because my Dad was a Landscaper back in NY so he only worked about 8 months out of the year. My Mom didn't speak English, didn't have a job & didn't know how to drive & here she was alone with an 8 y/o girl to raise.

Within one month, my Mom learned enough English to get a job (sewing in a sweat shop for minimum wage), she had a neighbor help her to understand the driver's training manual & then he showed her how to drive & when she was ready, he would take her on the road to practice (& he helped her out of the car when she crashed into our garage ). She also became an American Citizen because she was afraid she'd be deported. (She was a French Citizen born in North Africa but of Italian desent.)

How she managed to raise me, I honestly don't know. She hates to even talk about those times to me. She went without so she could buy me paper & pencils for school. She knew how to sew, so she sewed all my school clothes & our neighbors helped us out a lot too.

Seeing the type of childhood I had, (no toy gifts for Christmas, just socks, underwear & new PJ's, which I would desperately need), eating lots of pasta, rice & hamburger meat growing up, I take my hat off to all you Single Parents who try to make a good life for your children.

The only thing I can think of to cut expenses would be to get a housemate to share expenses with until you get on your feet. Change your insurance to a higher deductible to save on insurance (& pray you don't have an accident). Eat out less. (Way less.....) If your friends have kids a little older than your DS, maybe they can pass down some of their kids clothes for your DS.

I'm very sorry you're going through all this. It just isn't fair.

 

[stego]

who have been single parents. At least here on the DIS.
Or maybe they're just too busy raising their children instead of trolling around here. I know that I would have been.
I've been married for about 1 1/2 years now. My wife has been nothing but a blessing in our lives.
However, there was a time and place...
when I was a single parent. I was raising my son on my own when I met my wife. He was about 5 1/2 at the time.
Right after we split up, my son's mother was seeing him on a regular basis. She didn't think it was fair that she had to pay child support, but somehow I convinced her it was for our son.
After the first year, though, it went downhill fast. I got a hard dose of reality. Being a parent is a CHOICE, not an obligation.
Yeah, I spent many hour trying to convince myself she should be doing this, she should be doing that because of OBLIGATION.
However, that doesn't pay the child care bills, it doesn't pick up your child from daycare. It also isn't there when your child needs both parents. I spent some much wasted time arguing with her, and listening to her scream at me and calling me names, and JUSTIFYING her problems. Never once, was a solution offered in welfare to our son. As time passed, more was revealed to me.
I began to stop fighting, and expecting her to be involved, to any degree. I would be responsible, 100%. I didn't see that I was doing that all along. Oh, yes, I would piss and moan about just having $5 for Mickey D's on the weekend, and robbing his piggy bank for spare change. I did what I had to do. We had each other. I bought a little condo, and had a old, but reliable toyota.
It leaked oil at the end, but many times, took us where we had to be, time and again. We had clothes on our backs, we had food.
I didn't have cable, or a stereo. I worked hard, and made sure I provided the best I could. I was certainly overwhelmed at times, but then I realized that once, again, I was self-seeking, and in fear. Certainly a bad example for my son. He had his own feelings that I had to consider. In every way, I asked for help spiritually to be the best parent I could be. Many, many times, I was looked at as a dead-beat weekend father at the park.
Society created that monster, and yet bears no responsibility for it. I sure wasn't responsible for it. (and yes, I had my own dead-beat father) It's over 3 years now since I heard from his mother.
She hasn't paid child support in about 4 years, but I quit keeping tabs on that some time ago. The courts, and attorney general can try to enforce it, but good luck. (it's like getting blood from a turnip)
I have found that if a parent wants to be involved, they will be.
And it doesn't stop at a monthly payment.
I always had fun with her when I would come by to pick him up at daycare, and she took all his diapers that I had just left there that morning. I also had fun with all the nice outfits I sent him over with, and he'd come back in hand me-downs.
We continue to pray for her, where-ever she may be.
My son is getting older, and I will be there to help him through his feelings and issues with abandonment.
I am the lucky one. God can take away from me His child at any time. I am blessed to be a part of my son's life, if just for a short time. It is up to me to have the right attitude.

 

[snoopy]

Oh my goodness, stego, I am sitting here in tears reading your story. Of course, all of these stories make my heart hurt, but I guess we are just programmed to think of "dead beat" dads, not "deadbeat" moms. Its probably sterotypical of me to think this way, but I just cannot imagine how a mother could abondon her child, the child she carried inside of her for 9 months. So terribly sad.

Thanks so much for offering a different perspective. Best of luck to you, your new wife, and your son.

 

[Fizban257]

I didn't ask for the divorce, but then again, I wasn't really given a choice in the matter either. We had our son and married very young and she left me for the guy she kept on the side after a little over two years. I fought tooth and nail for custody and lost (I'm only a father you know). I've never missed a support payment, but when I lost my job, I was taken to court in an attempt to force me to sell my car and move back in with my parents to avoid the temporary reduction in support. Luckily, the judge barred that action and I was able to get re-employed and back to the previous support amount within a few months. She remarried very quickly and they both worked, dwarfing my salary, but I still found myself buying clothes not only for my house, but for theirs as well. Then they moved 4 states away so her new husband could take a big career jump and she could become a stay-at-home mom. I went from seeing my son about half of the year to about a third (better than some father's get), but I now pay a higher support because my salary is joined with my new wife's and compared with my ex-wife's (excluding her husband's) when determining support. Their house-hold income is larger than ours, her income is zero, so they moved my son away from me to make more money and then came after me for more money on top of that -- and got it. My new wife and I recently added to the family, but DS #2 isn't taken into consideration in the support equation -- he is legally termed "second class" to DS #1. Not one minute of this has been easy, not from the day I came home to find an empty apartment and my life torn to pieces, to this day.

Have I ever been in arrears in support? Yes. Whenever she files for an increase it is retroactive to the day she filled out the paperwork; every increase has come with a built-in arrearage from the paperwork date to the court hearing. When I filed for temporary relief when I lost my job, the relief took effect from the day of the hearing, not the paperwork. The dead-beat dad statistics are bloated by this maneuver. I will NEVER defend any father who walks away from his kids, but there are many of us who struggle every day and still get looked down upon.

The wonderful woman I am married to now was raised by her Dad. Her mother died when she was 5 leaving a son and two daughters behind. He worked night and day and raised them with virtually no outside help. An aunt offered to take in my wife and her sister; her husband was a doctor with his own practice and it would not have been a burden. But Pop kept his kids and raised them the best he could, he was their father and that was his job. I have loved every minute of parenthood and have no frame of reference for those who abandon their kids. I just wanted to share the other side of the coin. Being the non-custodial parent is not a bowl of cherries. I miss my son every day, and I hate the term "visitation," I am not a visitor in his life, I am his father.

Thanks for putting up with my rather long post.

 

[Pooh93]

For all single parents out there I tip my hat. To all you wonderful single dads you do get a bad rap. I know because I am 41 and my dad raised me by himself from the time I was 8. Being a single dad was virtually unheard of way back then. We lived in an 800 square foot home. He worked for Shell Oil and made a modest salary. I may have not had all the newest fangled toys or gadgets but I knew I was loved. We spent alot of time going to Lambert Airport watching the planes take off and land or at the zoo. (Both things were free) Sometimes, we would just go for a ride in the car and get an ice cream cone or play catch out in the back yard. My mom signed over custody and moved to California with her new husband. I would talk to her every weekend and go out to see her a couple times a year. As I moved into my teenage years, I wanted to go there less and less. As I moved into my early 20's I felt like I really did not have much in common with her. She died when I was 25. I miss her and feel cheated that she never knew my kids, but maybe I'm remembering more of how I'd wished it would have been instead of how it actually was. All I know is I would NEVER leave/abandon my children for any reason other than death. They will grow up knowing they have a mom for them they way I knew I had a dad that was there for me.

Disclaimeridn't mean to turn this into about me. Just wanted you to know that I can empathize with your situation having been raised by a single parent.

 

[stego]

and again, recognizing the "woe is me" single parenting situation.
I am grateful, that there are people who care and are supportive.
I do remember, though, that Carol started this thread in regard to how do single parents do it (financially)?
The first thing I had to do was give up the car payment.
I was fortunate that I had equity at the time. I had to find the absolute most reliable car at the time. It had to be very basic.
I even had to look for one where I had to roll up the windows.
Of course, I was responsible for healthcare, and the dentist.
(Custodial parents-try to figure that one out!) I rented a very small apartment for a year-with my son sleeping in his crib in the bedroom. I slept on a borrowed futon for a year.
My living room furniture consisted of pre-school toys. After taxes, deductions, and everything-in other words my net take home- 35% went to daycare. I lived off of the rest. I did look for the tiniest condo I could find. It did have two bedrooms, though, and since we were both men, we could share a bathroom. My mom even got my a used bed-I was ecstatic after a year-my own bed!
Each year, things got a little better. I even got a grant to go to college part time. I was working as a cook-which doesn't pay a whole lot-and I had to find work as a cook mon-fri. Not easy to do. I balanced everything, somehow. Then it came to a point where he was ready to go to kindergarten, and I didn't have to pay for full time daycare. But I had to quit my job to go to college full time and finish my degree in a year. I did get a part-time job-but I had no insurance. I did get insurance for my son through CHIP. I did finally graduate, and work full time now in my field of study.
I scraped, I borrowed, I did whatever I had to do.
No, I didn't have a fancy clothes, and my son didn't take dancing lessons, and he didn't have a game boy. I was, fortunate to provide the basics. I remember one time in particular I was offered a chance to work extra, and my mom offered to baby-sit and take him to his xmas pageant. I swore, never, ever again would I miss anything. Yes, I did pay for his childcare, but I missed out.

I did read with interest Fizban 257's post. I have been there, too.
When I separated from my wife, she got a restraining order against me-and I couldn't see my 15month old son for 2 weeks.
My brother went by to check on him for me, and she opened the door, and there he was playing on the living room, and my brother smelled dope. (this is only a small part of it)
During our temporary custody battle-I was filed against and she demanded everything-custody, rent, child support, alimony, you name it. My mom bailed my out-I had gotten fired from my job-and she got me an attorney. I was sleeping on my mom's couch.
My attorney told me-if I tell you to give her $500 bucks, you give it to her, if I tell you run across the road, you do it, but I will get you custody. I have, never, ever been so emotionally and spiritually wiped out the day the judge made her decision. My son's mother threw everything she could at me-and lost. I gave up all my material possessions so I could get custody. I never, ever, went after her for more support. I learned very quick how rich the attorney's get. It just didn't help my son. Throwing money at the courts and attorney's don't make me a better parent.
Never once did she come to me and say, I want to be more involved as a parent.

The thing is, I would do it, over and over again-whatever it takes. I would live on the street, with the bums, on skid row, to be a parent. I have to remember, it's not about me, it's all about my son. I don't care how much stuff my ex wants-or how much money she takes-as long as I can be in my son's life-and be responsbile.

I am sorry, though, that Fizban's ex is so motivated. It is unfortuante that she can't see through her own fear and recognize that her son's father wants TO BE A PARENT.

Every day, I ask God to remove from me the fear, so I can be a better parent. The key is the willingness. Be ready, Fizban, for when that time comes.

 

[Robinrs]

No pity party here!

I'm sorry, I'm thrilled to NOT have my ex around. I think Michael would not have been HALF the person he is if he was around.

Extended family is imperative in my family. Everyone else in my family has been married forever and we all take care of each other and our children. I am so grateful that my son had my Dad as an example of what a man is for 10 years. He is so proud to be his namesake. He lives to be like his GrandDad, not his Dad, who is schizophrenic.

I always say that a girl can't raise a man but a WOMAN can. I do the best God and I can and it has always been a blessing.

 

[Fizban257]

Originally posted by Robinrs
Extended family is imperative in my family.

Amen to that! During the roughest time, when I was living on crackers and Ramen noodles, Mom and Dad would show up the day before Jordan was coming with real food for him. I was only out of work for a couple of months, but I absolutely could not have made it if my family hadn't pitched in.

 

[jipsy]

jamsmom not to make light of your situation, but you posted a couple of weeks ago that your son lives with your parents, not with you, and that it was the best situation for everyone involved

So how can you expect his father to pay you child support for a child you are not supporting?

 

[John Smith1]

Hmmmm,interesting, jipsy....

I am also a single Dad. I have two children, 4 and 7, a girl and a boy. Their Mom decided she didn't like us as much as her boyfriend 3 years ago.

I have alot of help with my parents but I am the bottom line when it comes to supporting them, etc. My Mom is an angel but I dont think it's her job to raise her grandkids.

I had a job that required me to travel before I became single. Luckily I was able to get a regular radio gig that kept me home to be with them. It's hard sometimes but it's worth it. My kids are my life. I pity their mom for not experiencing what I am. In my eyes the pity party is on her.

Hang in there, stego! You're not alone!

 

[Robinrs]

Hi, JS! Long time no see!

I just wanted to add that the one good thing about being a single parent is I never have to explain why I go to Orlando so much!! Being the last word is a GOOD THING!